


Running From Our Sins

by afaceinanendlesscrowd



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, Ben Solo - Freeform, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, College AU, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren is an english professor, Light Bondage, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Modern Era, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Possessive Kylo Ren, Professor Kylo Ren, Protective Kylo Ren, Rough Body Play, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Sex Toys, Shower Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, University AU, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Verbal Humiliation, a good mix ya know lol?, come for the bad writing stay for the nerdy glasses i put kylo in!, kylo is gonna grab your face and throw you about, tw: abusive family, you gotta b cool w that lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-13
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:02:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 101,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25884766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/afaceinanendlesscrowd/pseuds/afaceinanendlesscrowd
Summary: English- what used to be one of your favourite modules to take in college. But as your final year arrives, so does Professor Kylo Ren who derails your entire year. What was going to be an easy last year of college becomes one of the most turbulent and confusing of your entire life.As you find yourself drawn closer to your dark and brooding professor, you find that he has secrets of his own you want to uncover.(smut, slow burn, kylo isn’t super fluffy)
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Ben Solo/Reader, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron & Finn, Poe Dameron/Finn
Comments: 87
Kudos: 212





	1. DREAMS

**Author's Note:**

> Authors note at the end! <3  
> (Y/N, reader, you, is a female with female genitalia and goes by the pronouns of she/her.)

Checking your watch, you realised you were late for class.

Again.

Doing your best to juggle your things, you threw the coffee in your hand into the bin just outside the door with a heavy sigh- but better to lose some of your caffeine buzz than have your professor berate you for bringing it with you. It wasn’t worth the lecture nor the embarrassment he seemed so hellbent on giving you every single week.

Stepping in as quietly as you could manage, you could see the screen at the front of the class lit up with a presentation. This week was American Lit, which you had enjoyed for the most part. A book report was due by the end of the week and if you could just focus for five minutes and start the damn report, maybe it would turn out fine.

Your roommates seemed to have other plans unfortunately and had insisted on throwing loud parties the entire week in the run up to halloween. You had blacked out with your head in a toilet last night- and it was only Tuesday. The rest of the week was going to drag like hell if your hangover today was anything to go by. 

Speaking of hell, you were only a few minutes late but unfortunately for you that still typically meant-

“Ah. Miss..remind me your name again?” 

Bastard. He knew your name. Had managed to say it plenty of times whilst giving you yet another of his bullshit lectures.

But you plastered the sweetest, most _I totally don’t want to murder you right here_ smile you could possibly manage on your face and reminded him all the same. He repeated it, the look on his face almost one of..disgust? It wasn’t an easy expression to place, given he never seemed to have any readable expression at all. 

“Is there any particular reason you’re late?” His voice rumbled across the room. 

You swallowed. “No sir..just running late today.”

“Hm.” He surveyed you. “Eyes on the board- and don’t be late again.”

Your cheeks bloomed red as you realised how long you’d been staring at him.

Professor Kylo Ren. Your college English teacher- a subject you had once loved, had looked forward to every week. Coming into your last year of college, that quickly changed. Lessons went from enjoyable to downright terrifying. If he wasn’t questioning your knowledge on his teachings, he was berating you for..well, anything. Bringing coffee to his class, fiddling with your hair, chewing on a pen lid, staring out a window. It was like you were back in high school again with the bitchy teacher who seemed intent on having power over you, humiliating you but for what reason, you weren't sure. You weren't late often, tried not to hand in work late- so why out of all the students in here had he decided you would be his next victim? 

The worst part about it all? He was gorgeous. Intimidatingly so, to the point you barely managed to hold eye contact with him when he inflicted his sharp tongue upon you. 

Wavy, black hair that he nearly always kept neatly tied back. Dark eyes- so dark, you felt like you were losing yourself in an endless swirl of the night sky when you stared into them- n _ot that you did for very long_. He was tall too, towering well above you as you sat at your desk, shoulders broader than your entire body. 

Scrambling with your things, you flung a notebook onto the desk and began to scribble down the notes as quickly as you could manage whilst your professor clicked through the slides. Your mind buzzed with other thoughts however- the party you would likely be attending tonight, when exactly you would be attempting this essay.

Every night was a different theme. Rey was the one throwing the party- it was always Rey who threw them. Why she felt the need to go so crazy on Halloween, you weren't sure- but given her usual _'i'm an orphan who had nothing growing up'_ speech she tended to throw in your face whenever you tried to argue against said parties, or any social events, you gave in to her pleas pretty easily. 

Tonight was under the sea- which you had no costume for. Last night had been sporting figures and you’d lazily thrown on Finn’s soccer jersey and smeared some black paint across your cheeks. It seemed to do the trick. His boyfriend, Poe, had a similar idea but unfortunately you had gotten there first.

Vaguely aware of your name being called, you blinked as your attention was brought to the man standing at the front of the class. Everyone's attention centred on you as anxious eyes met yours. Ren was calling on you.

“Sorry, sir?”

He sighed. “I apologise to interrupt what I’m sure is an invigorating daydream, but I asked you your opinion.”

“On?”

“The American dream.” He tilted his head in a way that made you feel like you were the chicken- and he was certainly the fox. “Thoughts?”

You hated the condescending tone. You hated the way he stood, arms tucked neatly across his chest with that smug son of a bitch look across his face. So, “It’s bullshit.”

“Is that so?” No reprimand for your foul words, no hint of surprise on his face. There never was.

“The American dream now isn’t what it used to be. It isn’t as simple as working hard and getting what you deserve. The American Dream pushes the idea that if you work and work, you get what you what- but it just isn’t true nowadays. There are so many inequalities, so many privileges for certain groups of people that sets them strides ahead.” You glanced up at him. “This country kind of sucks and the way it sets people to work, sucks. So I think what _was_ the American Dream is bullshit.”

He seemed to process your words and unfolded his arms, simply reaching for his remote. Not a single word about your answer just a simple- “See me after class.”

You slumped into your chair. _Shit_.

Class breezed by, unfortunately. Practically clawing the table in anticipation when the bell rang, you packed up your things as slowly as you could. You’d mouthed off in his class before, it wasn’t anything new- but he’d never asked you to stay before.

He was seated at his desk as you approached, not even bothering to watch you approach. You watched him type something into his computer, watched him adjust the glasses he wore whenever he stared at a screen. They were cute actually and would even suit him if he wasn’t so damn stern all the time- and perhaps if his nose was just a tad smaller. But it suited him, weirdly. You liked it.

“You had a good answer today.” He said, finally looking at you. You almost wanted to scream, _why didn’t you say that then?_ But you had a feeling it would be much more trouble than it was worth. “Albeit, it perhaps could’ve been done without your crude language.”

“I apologise.” You swallowed. “Sir.”

“Do you feel you need such language to make a point?”

You tried not to bite back- tried and failed. “Do you feel the need to humiliate me every time I step into your class?”

You couldn’t help it- it was a month of pent up frustration. From the moment you had sat in that seat across the classroom, he had picked on you relentlessly for no apparent reason. Others in your class gave stupid answers, brought in coffees but he said nothing. Only rolled his eyes.

But something about you seemed to just anger him.

He shot up, hands balling into fists as he towered above you. Your eyes trailed up his chest, up that navy blazer he always wore and met his eyes. He had this twitch in his eye you often noticed- when he was annoyed. Or deep in thought.

“Watch your mouth.” He hissed.

But you weren’t scared of him- you never had been. So you simply bared your teeth. “It was a serious question, sir.”

Something flickered in those eyes of his- some stir of emotion you so rarely saw. But whatever it was he clamped down on it hard. “Don’t speak like that in my class nor to me ever again- do you understand me?”

Something about his voice made you shiver, but you just nodded.

“I expect your essay on an American literature book of your choice by Friday.” That seemed to be a dismissal, given that he turned straight back to his computer and started to ignore you. Excusing yourself, you stepped out of the room and into the deserted hallway outside.

You were barely a month into his class- how were you going to survive eight more?

Rey could barely contain her laughter that evening. “You look insane.”

“Shut up.” You hissed and dusted the brush over your face again, closing your eyes as the blue shimmering powder stuck to your skin. You had a fishnet stuck over your head currently in order to make it look like scale prints. Mermaid was the costume you had decided to go with- a very poor mermaid however. Your makeup was going to do most of the work along with a shimmering purple dress.

Rey herself was.. a fish? Her outfit was extremely similar to yours, minus the scales you were currently dusting on your face. She had outlined her eyes with a gorgeous silver and painted her lips a similar colour, as well as tying her hair back in her signature bun style. You hated it sometimes, how effortless she could be. She was gorgeous, tall, lean.

Not that you weren’t- god, you weren’t some gargantuan. You knew you were pretty, average height, average weight. But that was about it, you were just…average. Medium. An easy face to lose in a crowd.

It was one of your biggest fears. Not that you’d ever admit it to anybody.

“How was the ever beautiful Ren today?” Rey snapped her mirror shut and curled her legs underneath her. “Mean as always?”

“Of course.”

“You know.. maybe he’s mean because he likes you.”

You snorted. “A misogynistic saying I hate.”

Rey just laughed and watched you finish your makeup, sticking a few jewels to your face and hair for a finishing touch. The two of you got up and went through to where the party was already beginning- the music was blaring and most of your friends had already arrived, drinks in hand.

You took the huge red cup out of Poe’s hand, shooting him a grin before tipping it back- you were going to need it to deal with your jittery emotions from class today. Ren’s class always sent you for a spin. But that didn’t matter now- none of it did.

Nothing did.

So you danced and you drank and you spoke until your throat was practically raw. Hands touched you, pulled you, danced against you. You drank until your body felt like nothing and everything- until you stopped existing. Until it was just the music.

Partying was never really your thing, it still wasn’t but..this year you felt lost. You only had eight months left of college and no true plan for your future- it felt like everyone had an idea of where they were going this year, what they were going to do. But you had nothing, no plans, no ideas- you didn’t want them. You wanted time to stop, to stay in this perfect college bubble of no responsibility, no real world to face and try to survive in.

You knew you’d be fine- you’d always been pretty scrappy. But something about it scared you and since the summer, you’d enjoyed this feeling of just..nothing. More and more.

Everyone filtered out very slowly and you disappeared into your own room, throwing your laundry basket against the door to stop any stragglers from entering. Your makeup had smeared everywhere but you didn’t care- you just shrugged off your dress and underwear, climbed into bed and tugged the duvet over your head.

Drunkenly stumbling into your dreams, you realised you were in that oh so familiar classroom that brought you so much misery and dread.

_But you weren’t at your desk- you were at his desk. Pinned against in fact, hands gripping the wood beneath you as your breathing grew loud. A rumbling pleasure grew in your stomach_

_“Oh..”_

_That pleasure only grew- it felt like you were being touched everywhere. Lips against your stomach, your thighs. You gripped the wood underneath you harder. Another swirl of a tongue around your cunt and you moaned- so loudly you weren’t sure if you were dreaming. God, you hoped not._

_A hand came to grip you around the throat and pushed you harder against the desk, slamming your head against it._

_"Shit-"_

_“Watch your mouth.” Came that all too familiar voice, accompanied with those dreamy eyes and rumbling voice that shook your core._

You shot up in bed, grasping the covers up to your chest as you looked around- you were in your room. It was just dream.

Oh shit indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi welcome to my attempt at a fic, it's going to be AWFUL sooooo....welcome.
> 
> This is more for me tbh and wanting a very specific plot but being unable to find it, ya know the feeling? So I have taken my ZERO skills in writing and come here, to word vomit a porn with a lil plot.
> 
> These chapters will gradually increase in length as I get more into a stride, just bear with me!
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TIKTOK: @junekwritess
> 
> Bye!


	2. ANYTHING, EVERYTHING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you did done fucked up homegirl

_Just don’t look at him._

That was your only rule as you walked towards English for your other class of the week, report in hand. Hand the report in, take your notes and keep your eyes on the floor as much as you possibly could. Most importantly, just try to avoid any verbal smackdown from Ren.

After you had woken up a few nights ago sweating from your dream about him, you had barely stopped thinking about it since. Through all the other classes, all the other parties- every second thought seemed to be about him or his damned hands, roaming all over your entire body.

It was just pure insanity, that’s all it was- firstly, Ren was a jerk. Secondly, he seemed to regard you in nothing less than pure distaste. He’d never touch you like that. Where the dream had come from, stars knows. Probably some dark twisted part of your brain that wanted to make your time with him even worse than it already was.

You glanced around, noticing the class was already half full, as was the tray of reports that was waiting at the front. Taking a deep breath you kept a steady pace, dropped the thick wad of papers you had stapled together into the tray and let it go with a sigh.

You had last minute chosen a shitty book you didn’t even like and typed off a shitty essay late last night, finally managing to skip one of the parties your friends were attending. When they realised it was Ren grading said paper they left you to your own devices, dropping off some coffee before they left.

Rey had pressed a swift kiss to your cheek and grinned at you, wishing you luck. She wouldn’t be up before you left this morning- she never was. Neither would Finn, who had lovingly (if not very drunkenly) put a plate outside your door which was full of toast before you woke up. You were sure the gesture had been caring at the time but almost stepping into soggy, buttery bread at eight am this morning was not pleasant.

You’d see them both tonight at the bar near your apartment. You were all taking it a little more easy tonight before the big blowout tomorrow on actual halloween- it was just food and a few drinks tonight. Though that kind of plan often had turned into much more.

Ren clapped his hands together, bringing everyones attention forward and began to teach the lesson. _Damn, damn, damn_ \- he’d gone with just a black shirt today, tucked into his pants and _shit_ he looked good. Better than usual- even the long, tumbling scar that was on the right side of his face was just hitting right today.

He began to speak, his rumbling voice bouncing over the class and right into your bones. What he would make of your essay, you weren’t sure- you knew yourself it was a bag of shit and not in the modest _‘it’s actually pretty ok’_ kind of way. He was a hard man to impress even when you were trying your best, so at your worst? You didn’t dare to imagine his reaction as he graded it this weekend.

Well, perhaps- Ren was notorious for fast grading but didn’t he have plans at the weekend? Things to do, people to see? Someone like him couldn’t have nothing to do surely. You tried to imagine him in a bar somewhere but just couldn’t come up with a mental picture no matter how hard you tried.

You slouched in your chair and stared towards the flickering screen, pen at the ready to take notes. It was going to be a long wait.

“Three cheers to..Halloween?” Rose looked around and the group laughed, holding their cups up in celebration and cheering.

Everyone had been invited to the final party of the week- and that meant everyone. You couldn’t believe how many people had squeezed into the flat (thankfully not yours.) Decorations lined the walls- cotton wool strung around like cobwebs, glitter sprayed all over them. In the windowsills, carved out pumpkins of all designs with tea lights inside.

You really were glad this wasn’t in your flat. Whilst it was fun, you had already noticed puke lining the stairs outside the hall and to make matters worse, you were currently standing near a very dark stain which you were sure hadn’t been on the cream carpet before tonight.

Rey had her arm around your neck as she tipped her head back in delight and drank, throat bobbing as she swallowed the rest of her drink. You had already caught her eyes darting several times over to the guy in the corner- tall, dark and certainly handsome. You weren’t sure who exactly he was as he’d never been at one of these parties before.

Whoever he was, he was certainly enjoying the look of Rey and she was certainly enjoying the look of him.

“I’m going for another drink.” You said into her ear and darted off before you got stuck into some annoying third wheeling conversation with the two of them. You’d been in many with Rey before and whilst you were impressed with her flirting skills, it was awkward as hell.

Heading into the kitchen, you could see some of your other friends waiting there, all circled around in the back of the room. Poe grinned at you and slung an easy arm around your shoulder in greeting as you smiled at the rest of the group, noticing a few unfamiliar faces. Everyone chatted away as Poe introduced you to all of them

“This is Will- he’s in my biochemistry class.” He finally got to the last boy and you reached over to the boy in front of you currently dressed as what you presumed to be a zombie? And shook firmly. Wether he was good looking or not, you weren’t entirely sure. He had smeared his hair red with blood but you thought it might be brown and he was wearing white contacts that made him look very creepy.

“How cute, you’re twinning.” Someone to his right noted and pointed between your outfits. You weren’t exactly planning to be a zombie but you had ripped up a shirt, covered yourself in some fake blood and hoped for the best it came off halloween-y enough.

“Nice.” He smiled- nice teeth, you noted. “You look great.”

A warm blush settled over your cheeks. “Thanks.” The group dispersed a little and you leaned against the counter next to him. “So, you study..biology?”

“Well yes but I’m pre-med, something of which I’m very slowly starting to regret. Let’s just say dissection isn’t everything it’s cracked out to be.”

“I never would’ve guessed.” You teased.

“Let me guess…you’re politics?" 

Chuckling, you stepped a little closer. “No, but you aren’t ridiculously far off I suppose. Journalism.”

“Very nice. I bet you’re smart as hell.” He was certainly laying on the charm thick but you weren’t complaining- you hadn’t really dated anyone since your last skeeze of a boyfriend. A few hookups here and there but nothing ever really went seriously.

You didn’t have commitment issues as such you just got burnout quickly. You’d become relatively obsessed with someone, see them a lot, have sex immediately and just kind of..burn out. Typically time was two weeks later but sometimes it would stretch to three.

The guys could be gorgeous, strange, geeky, athletic..it didn’t seem to matter, didn’t seem to be a type exactly. It never really seemed to work out and you were never sure why exactly you burned out but you always had.

“Well, you would be correct.” You smiled at him. “Hey, this is really random-“ You turned and whilst leaning a little closer to him, pointed across the room towards Rey who was now curled against the guy she had been eyeing earlier. “Do you know him?”

Will nodded. “Oh, he’s a little older- graduated four or five years ago. I think his name is Ushar.”

“i’ve never seen him around..” You trailed off as you watched Rey press her lips near his ear to whisper something, his hand curling around her. He was cute, that was for sure- his dreads were wrapped tightly into a bun at the base of his neck and the inky blue colour shone underneath the lights.

“He was part of a pretty tight knit group, his brother being one of them. I couldn’t say I know much else about them.” Will turned, so his body was facing yours completely and you felt your attention drag back to him. “But enough about them. I wanna hear about you.

“What about me?”

“Anything.” Will smiled. “Everything.”

So you told him of your parents, your quiet small town where you’d come from. Nothing too personal, some basic stuff. What classes you were taking this semester. You felt there wasn’t really much to say about yourself. Your relationship with your parents wasn’t the best and you hated your hometown, but Will didn’t really need to know that so you kept it light.

He listened and it felt nice to talk to someone who was really interested. You loved your friends but they were always so busy, as were you, and you felt like you never really got to talk anymore. Not really.

Will was pretty interesting too- from a small town, the same as you. Two younger sisters, a very big happy family kind of picture unlike you. But when his mom got really sick, he decided to go into medicine. A very sweet story.

“So, I’m going to be straight with you.” Will looked sheepish. “I actually asked Poe to introduce us.”

“You did?”

“I’ve seen you about, thought you were pretty..if you haven’t realised, I’ve spent the evening trying to big myself up in the hopes you would maybe want to go out sometime.”

“Wow.” You were surprised- but certainly not in a bad way. Actually, Will as pretty nice and you liked talking to him. You liked him. “Uh- yeah, I would love to.”

“Amazing. Here-“ He grabbed your hand and shoved a sharpie into it, extending his palm out towards you. You took the hint and wrote your number carefully over his palm, feeling his eyes follow your hand.

You smiled and started to walk away, calling to him over your shoulder. “Text me sometime.”

Outside, you waited for Rey to take her tongue out of Ushar’s mouth and sighed. A buzz came from your pocket and you grabbed your phone, tugging it out.

_I didn’t know when exactly sometime was… too soon?_

You smiled. Maybe this was going to be the start of something really good.

Growling was never something you really thought humans could do- even the word growling made you think of animals, of danger, anger.

But, as he often did, Professor Ren managed to surprise you as he slammed the report down on your desk that Monday as soon as class ended. You had wondered why the rest of the students had received theirs at the start, carefully slipped onto their desks. Now the bell had rung and all the others had all disappeared, he’d pounced on you before you got the chance to ask him what was wrong.

“Was this some pathetic attempt at revenge? It’s your grades on the line.” He snarled at you.

You just blinked. “What?”

“This is the worst thing you’ve ever written for this class and I find it funny you put it on my desk just mere days after I have to give you a warning.” He spun on his heel and walked over to his desk before slamming the paper into the trash can beside it with a heavy thud.

Hot blush flooded into your cheeks- you were humiliated. He’d never been so harsh about your work. In fact, nobody ever had been. You loved this subject and whilst admittedly you knew the essay was trash, you didn’t realise it would make him _so_ angry.

He didn’t seem to care you hadn’t replied and continued on. “Not only that, but your test scores are getting worse- so do you wish to leave my class? Or are you deliberately acting out for attention?”

Seething, you shot up out of your chair. “Acting out for attention? Are you out of your mind?”

“I’ve read your file, I know how good your work has always been- when I started here, they read my class list and sung your praise. Yet, here you are with some of the worst work I’ve read- so tell me why, please because I cannot work it out for the life of me.”

“I don’t know!” You hadn’t realised the other teachers in the department would’ve spoken about you like that, recommending you so highly.

As much as you despised to admit it, you knew he was right. Your scores were pretty low and that essay was a piece of shit but it was nothing to do with Ren. No matter how much he shouted and screamed at you, it wouldn’t put you off handing in quality work.

You just found more and more that you had no passion for it anymore- but what had killed your spark, you weren’t sure.

“I want this essay redone and on my desk by Thursday, no exceptions. Pick an entirely new book since you so clearly seem to hate this one.” He narrowed his eyes at you. After a few moments of silence, it seemed this was to be your dismissal.

Sighing, you collected your books and scurried towards the door. Before you could reach it however, Ren took two large strides and wrapped one of those huge hands of his around your arm and yanked you closer to him.

“Hey-!” You wriggled in protest but his hold was steel tight.

His eyes darkened. “Don’t disappoint me again. Or come Thursday, we’ll have to find some way to punish this insolence of yours.”

Neither of you moved for a few moments and it felt like all time slowed down as you studied him. His rising chest, breathing just as heavily as yours. Hair that looked so soft, falling down in their usual gentle waves that curled around his face. For the first time, you realised he was looking at you too- not with his usual disgust but..you couldn’t place it.

God, it was horrible how attractive he was. Horrible because whilst you had noticed before, you hadn’t _truly_ noticed and now you had, there was no going back.

He let you go and you stumbled away from him, watching as he turned away from you and walked back to his desk. Leaving, you hated how scared you felt, how stupid- you were failing this stupid class and you hadn’t even realised.

But what you hated most was the growing fever deep inside you, right down into your bones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, welcome back to my trashbag of a story. 
> 
> thanks for reading on, cya next time!


	3. DEALS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A deal is made.

You twirled in the chair again, glancing down at the report sitting on your screen. Why, oh _why_ hadn’t you done a better job on this last week?

You knew you were a good writer. It was something you had truly loved since you were young- your father had encouraged a healthy reading habit which often lead to finishing stories at three am, turning up to school bleary eyed and tired but always content. Eyes devouring word after word, reading whatever was given to you. Writing pages and pages of stories, of life, death, love even though you had experienced none of it- not then anyway. Writing just felt like it was ingrained into your soul, like it was all that mattered. It was why you had chosen journalism.

Your mother had hated it and made no effort to hide her frustrations with you. She had hoped for a girly daughter to dote on, to love. You weren’t a tomboy- you enjoyed makeup, dressing pretty and buying plenty (often, if not too much makeup.) But you had just enjoyed shoving your head into a book more than you had joining in with the gossip at lunch time. That in turn lead to you missing out on some pretty cool parties and other events.

It was something you rarely thought about now- the friends you had in college now were worth the wait and besides, who gives a shit about all that stuff? So you weren’t popular in high school. You weren’t bullied either- you were just..invisible. Flying very low under the radar.

But your mother..she appreciated that you could talk clothes and makeup when she wished, but she hated the few boys you had brought home. Hated that they weren’t jocks or typical American boys but rather, a little more..grunge? God knows what word you’d use to describe them, but let’s just say they weren’t exactly who she imagined for you.

So she hated your passion for writing, hated what she perceived books had done to you and in turn, it felt like she hated _you_ sometimes.

But you tried not to think of your mother too often.

Bringing the pen to your lips, you chewed on it and stared at the book in front of you. The Scarlett Letter. It was almost done, just a few touch ups and a conclusion and you’d be done- hopefully this would ease the professors anger with you.

You hadn’t stopped thinking about him, towering above you. It was horrendous. He was practically looming in every dream you ever had, every second blink and thought. Why exactly, you didn’t know- but he was there. Lingering.

Your phone buzzed again and you pulled it out from underneath the other stack of papers, the screen illuminated by a text- it was Will.

_How’s the essay going? Need a break?_

You smiled. The two of you had been texting most of the days since the party and you definitely liked him- plus you did feel kind of guilty. He’d asked you out and you’d been pretty busy trying to get this essay done for tomorrow so you’d declined- but it was almost done and only seven.

_I certainly could do with one. Suggestions?_

A few moments and then-

_Burgers is always my cure for writers block. I’ll pick you up in ten, drop me your address._

You punched it in and jumped up. Your hair was pinned back in a huge mess on top of your head and your sweater had an ugly brown stain on it- probably not the best idea to turn up like this. Will was cute and there was no harm in making a good impression, wether this was a date or not.

It probably was one.. right?

Will was on time, waiting outside for you as he lent against a small Camaro. You waved a hello and stepped out into the cool night to meet him. God it was muggy at this time of year- not quite fall but still hot enough you were uncomfortable at night, tossing and turning in your sheets.

He swung open the door in front of you, grinning as you stepped into the seat. “You look good for someone who’s had their head in a book all night.”

“You’re some charmer, you know that?” You said as he shut the door behind you and skipped round to get into the driver seat. He looked good too- loose red shirt, jeans and sneakers. His hair was swept back and definitely brown, as were his eyes- a deep kind of brown that so unfortunately reminded you of-

_No, don’t even go there._

You swallowed the thought and moved past it quickly. “So..where exactly are you taking me?”

“I have to be honest, I don’t know.” He chuckled. “I mean, we could go to Burger Blitz?”

The shittier of the two joints in this town- the others was Joan's. But Joan’s was one of your favourite places to go and Joan herself was like your second mother..whilst you loved going there, you had never really gone with anyone and it was childish but you hated sharing.

“Sounds good.”

The burger was decent- and the date was too. Will was a little quieter than he was at the party, maybe due to the lack of alcohol, but his schoolboy smile had you squirming in your seat and blushing most of the night. You had never felt so..strange. Perhaps that wasn’t even the right word for it, but something about him made you feel so giddy.

“So, you take English with Professor Ren right?” Will asked as he dug into his fries. You chewed a little harder on your food- could you ever escape the bastard?

“I sure do.”

“He’s an ass from what I’ve heard.” Will shook his head. Those brown eyes of his reminded you so much of said professor. “When he’s not being an ass, I hear he’s just too hard to please. Nobody ever gets an A.”

“I heard a guy last term got an A+, but god knows what he did to deserve it.” You wiped your mouth with the napkin in front of you. “He picks on me relentlessly- I feel like a kid complaining about it, but he does.”

You told him about the essay. Conveniently leaving out the part where he grabbed you and tugged you so close your heart felt like it was going to drop out of your chest of course.

“What a dick.” Will said. You just lifted your milkshake glass to his in agreement and clinked them together, smiling.

When he brought you back to your apartment, you lingered in the car for a few moments, an awkward silence in the air. The lights were still on in the living room- your roommates waiting to give you the grilling of the century you were sure. You could tell by the way Will kept glancing over at you that he wanted to kiss you, but he wasn’t sure how.

So you smiled and when he turned to look at you again, gently leaned over and pressed your lips to his. It was sweet, his hand coming up to hold your face as your breath caught in your throat.

Will sighed as you broke apart. “I’ve been waiting to do that.”

“I figured.”

He just grinned. “Damn, you really don’t let a guy up, do you?”

“Never.” A promise.

He kissed you again. And again. And again.

You turned the key in the lock and tiptoed inside the apartment. Your door was closest to the door so if you could just shut it lightly enough, you might be able to sneak inside without having to deal with-

“Get your ass in here!”

_Never mind._

You popped your head around the sitting room door to find Rey and Finn both sitting on the sofa, snuggled up together under a blanket. Some chick flick rolled on in the background and they gave you simultaneous grins as you appeared.

“To reiterate, _‘do not let me leave tonight. I have an essay to do and my professor weirdly threatened to punish me if it’s shitty_.” Finn raised an eyebrow at you. “Yet, you snuck out anyway.”

“I know..but it’s only 10 and I’m gonna finish it right now.”

Rey smiled as you sat down on the coffee table in front of them.“How was the date?”

“It was..good.”

“Uh oh.”

You looked at them both. “What?”

“You hesitated and it was only good.” Finn pointed out. You rolled your eyes as he continued. “I remember my first date with Poe, I came back all flushed and excited and-“

“Alright, alright. It was nice, Will’s..nice.” You groaned. “I don’t know. I want to see where it goes- maybe that kind of feeling takes some time to develop. Or maybe it just can’t develop from sitting in a burger bar!”

Rey shook her head. “Passion is passion, I say. You just don’t get it with some people, no matter how much you like them. Some people it’s all you have- you can’t like them, but you can want to rip off their clothes.”

_Sounds familiar.._

Finn smiled, as if he had read your mind. “You better go and get that essay done.”

Standing, you threw the pillow that was under your ass at him. He laughed as it smacked him right in the forehead. “You two are worse than my mother, did I ever tell you that?”

He called after you as the door slammed behind you. “Love you!”

Ren’s class was torture the next week. Solid grade A torture. He said nothing about the new essay you had handed in few days before, had made not even a mention he had gotten it. Just sat at his desk, eyes focused on marking the tests you had all done the day before.

You just continued to take notes on the film he allowed to play out on the screen in front of you, eyes dashing occasionally towards him. But he didn’t look up- not once.

Only towards the end of the class did he bother to hand out your test scores. You grimaced as he slipped the paper onto your desk, glancing down at the score written at the top.

**_41_ **

**_C-_ **

You could’ve screamed right there- you had studied for this one, so sure you had gotten the answers right. What the hell had you gotten so wrong? A pass wasn’t terrible but this was your best subject.

“He’s a tough grader, isn’t he?” A girl beside you muttered, shaking her head down at the paper in front of you. You could sneakily catch a peek of her own paper stained with the large red marker your own had been written on- unlike you however, she had managed to score herself a B-.

“The worst.” You muttered back, a little bitter.

She leaned closer to you- you hadn’t seen her before in this class. Very tall and quite pretty as well, with huge green eyes that captivated you. “What did you write for 1C?” You rattled off your answer quickly and she listened, nodding. “I wrote that too. Four marks out of six..I don’t even know what I did.”

“Four?” You spluttered. “I got one!” In the notes beside your answer, all he had written was grammar- but you noticed nothing except a misplaced dash.

He had marked you down nearly 5 marks for a dash? That arrogant son of a bitch. You were going to nail his head to the blackboard.

She looked over at your paper. “That sucks. He’s a dick.”

The bell rang, dismissing the class and you rose to your feet shakily. You certainly weren’t going to let this slide and besides, from the glance he motioned towards you it seemed your paper was perhaps also ready to be collected.

“I’m Kiana by the way.” The girl called over to you and smiled. “i’ll see you on Thursday?”

You waved a goodbye and packed your things slowly, waiting until everyone else had trickled out of the class before you wandered down to the front of the room. Standing in front of Ren’s desk, you fidgeted- it was too damn hot in here, not even your shorts were giving you some sense of relief.

He didn’t seem to even feel the heat- as he raised his head to look at you, there wasn’t a bead of sweat there. Just his cool, calm complexion along with that same rigid expression.

The professor pulled out a wad of paper from his desk drawer. “Here.”

Your essay, marked and ready. You grabbed it eagerly and turned over the page, eyes scanning all over for his final marking which he had also marked in red pen right in the top right corner.

**_C+_ **

Resisting the urge to throw it in his face, you lowered the paper slowly.

“C?”

“Better than the last, but still not good enough.” There was no malice in his words as there had been the other day, no overspilling anger- it was as if he had clamped down completely on whatever he had lost control of.

“Pray tell, what exactly is good enough for you?” You flung the paper in your hands towards him, right in his face. “I mean, _grammar_ for a misplaced dash? Are you fucking kidding?”

“Watch your-“

You almost hissed at him. “I won’t watch anything. I deserved those six marks, in fact, I deserved a shit lot more for this essay. Why do you insist on being such an asshole? You’re my teacher for god sake, you’re supposed to be teaching, not-“

Every single breath of air left your body as he shot up from his desk, your feet stumbling slightly whilst he stalked towards you. He towered above you, eyes boring into yours. Your knees felt like they were going to give out and god, if only there was a device which would let you drop into a hole right now because you wished you had never opened your mouth.

He growled at you. “I know I am your teacher. Do you think I should just give you marks for half ass work?”

The way he was staring at you wanted to make you nod your head in compliance. But you wanted to stand your ground- it was enough. He had gone at you from the moment you had entered his class and finally a month later, you were at your breaking point.

“Others are getting the same marks for shittier work. So what exactly is your problem with me?”

He bared his teeth. “I should ask you the same question. You know deep down this essay is a piece of shit, same as the last. Why are you handing in such work? Why are you failing these tests, making dumb mistakes you know will cost you marks?”

“It’s not on purpose.”

“I beg to differ.”

If this was only some other world where you could be carrying a weapon right now and have already sliced his head off- but you were in a classroom, at college and you had nothing to hurt this man with. Nothing at all. Plus, there would probably be witnesses.

He was driving you truly crazy. Like he was some poison in your system you couldn't get rid of, couldn't find the antidote to- your thoughts had become consumed by him. Now it seemed your body too as you trembled beneath him like a scared child.

“You are going to fail this class.” You hadn’t noticed his hand beside your head until now, pressed into the board behind you. In fact, you hadn’t noticed how utterly he dwarfed you until then with your back against the wall. “Unless..I help you.”

“Why would you help me?”

He sighed. “Despite what you think, I don’t want you to fail- something with you isn’t clicking, clearly. I propose every Wednesday night, you come to my office for two hours and we go over the material. Timed essays..whatever is going to work.”

You had every intention of screaming at him until you were blue in the face, to tell him to shove his idea and quit his class but..he wasn’t wrong. You didn’t understand the material, you weren’t trying.. the help was necessary, it was just unfortunate it had to come from him.

You pushed- but not as harshly as before. “Why?”

His tongue darted out nervously, running along his lips. You focused on them, unable to look into his eyes. “Like I said- I don’t want you to fail. It makes me look bad and considering this is only my second term, I don’t need that.”

Something like defeat blossomed in your chest. But you nodded in agreement, hand shakily reaching out into that small space between the two of you.

“You have a deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this lol, next chapter posted soon!!
> 
> J


	4. PRABUS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eye contact. Sexy, right?

Classrooms had been somewhere you had once enjoyed. When you walked into them, you felt like an entirely new person- you knew what you were doing, what you were talking about. This was the place for you to learn, to feel important. Having your head in a book wasn’t a bad thing.

But standing outside this one, there was certainly no enjoyment coursing through your body- just plain old fear.

It was finally Wednesday night, 5pm. The time and day you had agreed to be tutored by Professor Ren had arrived much more quickly than you wished it to and here you were, lingering outside his office door in the hopes that perhaps he wouldn’t be in. By any sheer luck, he would’ve forgotten all about you and your agreement.

You had never been down this end of the building before. The hallway looked like it had been designed by some colourblind maniac- the entire place was coated in grey, top to bottom. A few posters hung here and there, clearly strung up by some students looking to advertise services but they had been left so long they’d torn and crinkled. Teacher offices also tended to look the same way- there was nothing personal within them, as if they couldn’t bear to be there.

Sighing, you chapped the door twice. _Please let there be no answer, please, please, pl-_

“Come in.”

_Goddamit._

Stepping inside, it was refreshing to see actual colour breathed into this office unlike the outside. The standard desk had been replaced with something of his own choosing, much studier and a beautiful mahogany colour. Above that, the walls were dotted with various photos and diplomas.

At the very end of the room, directly across from the door, sat your professor. Head down towards a book, practically dwarfed in his hands, sitting straight back in the leather chair that curled around him.

“Sit down.”

He hadn’t even looked at you yet, just signalled to the seat across from him. You shut the door behind you and walked towards him. It felt like there was a million butterflies in your stomach, desperate to flee.

The seat scraped along the wooden floor with a horrible sound and you sat down, bag clutched to your chest.

You hadn’t mentioned this tutoring session to anyone, not even Finn or Rey. Something about it just felt..strange. Nobody was doing anything wrong but everyone knew an after hours session with a professor was highly unusual, especially tutoring when they’d much rather ask you to hire someone instead of giving their own time. You didn’t want anyone getting the wrong idea least it got out you were here.

Not that they even should get the wrong idea- you were sitting on the edge of your seat, rigid as a pole away from him. Tried to focus on anything except his hands. Or his mouth. Both of which had been prominent features of your dream about him, roaming all over you-

Finally, he dragged those hazel eyes up to yours and you could’ve jerked out your chair. A faint blush settled on your cheeks as a few things sprung out to you- those cute round glasses resting at the top of his nose, the lack of his usual attire. Just a tie looped around his neck, no vest, no jacket. He looked younger somehow.

“Do I scare you?”

“I’m sorry?”

“You’re sitting there like a deer in headlights- bag to your chest as if I’m going to steal it.” He rolled his eyes, snorting as he threw some papers towards you. “Relax. Get a pen out.”

You did so and pulled one of the sheets towards you- it was just decorated with blue lines straight across the page. The other sheet was filled top to bottom with questions. You frowned as you beheld it. It wasn’t exactly what you had been prepared for.

“Answer what you can. Thirty minutes starting..” He quickly turned over the sand timer next to him. “Now.”

Grabbing a pen, you took a deep breath.

Time to prove you deserved to be here.

“Get dressed now!” Rey threw another pillow towards your head. You ducked immediately and threw it right back at her. It hurled through the air and hit her stomach with a faint thud, dropping to the ground at her feet.

“Why? Take Finn!” Grabbing the duvet, you pulled it right over your head and hid under there in the hopes she would just disappear if you were simply stubborn enough.

She had been bugging you since Thursday morning to come out with her tonight- you certainly weren’t one to say not to a party but this club was high end, pretentious and just not the typical party you’d wish to partake in.

Worst of all, it wasn’t even to have fun- she wanted to go to track down her most recent hookup and after hearing he’d be there tonight, was determined to go herself and prove to him he should be drooling all over her (since he hadn’t called her..)

You certainly respected her determination- but you had none of it yourself.

Unfortunately, Rey was just as stubborn as you if not more so. “Finn isn’t sexy, you are! I need some eye candy to match how hot I’m going to be!”

“Hey!’ Finn had clearly arrived at the door to listen to your argument.

“Poor Finn.” You muttered.

“Okay, Finn is sexy but he’s also a dude and I need you. _Please_ \- Usher has some killer looking friends. They’d definitely be interested in you.”

From what you’d heard around campus, that entire group was gorgeous. But it had been a shitty week and there was nothing you wanted more than a long shower and your bed at ten pm sharp like a grandma.

“I don’t care.”

“Pleaseeeeee.” Rey’s fingers peeked through the duvet, clawing it down from your face. There was no way she was letting this go. “Please, please, please, please, please, please-“

You sat straight up, almost knocking her off the bed. “Fine! Fine. But I have nothing to wear.”

She grinned.

Tugging at the dress again, you grimaced as you stood in line with Rey outside Prabus. The music boomed out into the street surrounding you, pink lights strobing all around.

“You’re an asshole.” You reminded her once again, frowning down at the heels you’d stuffed your feet into.

You had no opposition to dressing up, makeup or heels- in fact, you adored all three. But after much fighting and a near wrestling match, Rey had dressed you in what she deemed appropriate club attire.

A silver dress, stopping an inch or so above your knee- perhaps the most modest part of the entire thing. It’s back drooped low enough it bordered on your ass and the material clung to every single hollow of your body so much you felt naked. At least it wasn’t strapless- but still dangerously low cut, enough to pop your cleavage out, with a cowl neck.

One side of your hair had been pinned out of your face and you had done your own makeup, doing Rey’s too- you were always the more talented of the two of you. She had finally taken her hair out of the buns she seemed to favour so much and let it drop to her shoulders.

It looked good with her own dress which was incredibly short and a beautiful shade of teal. You weren’t afraid to admit you were a little jealous of it.

“Yeah, yeah you hate me, I know. I’ll buy you a double.” She elbowed you as the queue moved again and you finally reached the front.

“ID’s?”

Handing them over, you took one more glance around the outside. This was the last chance to escape- signal down one of the taxis, wipe off every single inch of the makeup covering your face and make a run for it.

But Rey was staring at you expectantly and you couldn’t let her down. You could always drop off the moment she found Ushar and the two found themselves a little corner, which you were sure would happen.

Besides, you had shaved. Might as well put that to good use.

Inside, the club was every bit as swank as had been promised. It almost felt as if you were in the poles, dancing beneath an aurora lit sky. The floors and walls, an inky blue covered in ever-changing lights of blue, pink and green. Chandeliers dripped from the ceiling above, so close it felt like you could just reach and touch them. The thumping of the music ran in time with your heartbeat, your every step. It became a part of you.

This was only upstairs of course, where the throng of bodies between the two of you and the bar was thick, ever moving but you pushed through towards it anyway. Downstairs was the dance floor, where even more of a crowd was gathered and behind you was more secluded areas. Booths for dancing, talking and more.

Private booths were also upstairs, but those were gate access only and not the kind of thing you’d ever waste your money on.

“I’ll get us a drink. One minute!” Rey promised you and dashed off, practically throwing bodies out of her way to make it to the bar. You wandered off to the side slightly, leaning against one of the staircases to the back.

You were glad to see everyone was dressed similarly to you, if not more scantily. It eased some of the self consciousness you had felt outside and even that was eased further when you realised how truly busy it was. Nobody would be looking at anything other than where they needed to go.

Hundreds of conversations swirled around you, voices fighting to be heard over the steady beat of the music. The crowd was relatively the same as you, if not a little older.

Rey appeared back from where she had disappeared surprisingly quickly- but she always had been pretty nifty and you had no doubt there would be many grumbling voices at the bar about how somehow she had managed to be served before any of them.

Your drink was strong. Good.

Rey led you over further into the corner, far away enough from the music that you could hear her. “So, come on. What’s with the bad mood?”

“Aren’t we supposed to be showing off in front of your boyfriend?”

“Not my boyfriend, need a drink first, quit avoiding my questions.” She rambled and focused back on you, taking another long sip.

You sighed, fiddling with the little stirrer in your drink. “Nothing..I just..I love my degree, I love English but Ren he’s…”

“Making it unbearable?” Rey grimaced. “Well, at least you only have to see him during classes I guess. Only a few more months to go.”

You nodded sheepishly. You had two sessions with him now, both doing the exact same tasks- questions and answers. Really, ridiculously difficult questions that you weren’t even sure were part of the syllabus. But you answered as best you could, listened to him ridicule said answers and then trailed home, defeated.

He wasn’t even teaching you. He was just humiliating you.

Another, very long sip of your drink.

“Come on. I know where Ushar’s usual booth is and where we can stand to look totally nonchalant and cute. The sooner he sees how hot I am and thinks _damn why didn’t I call her?_ the sooner you may go home, something I’m sure you’ve already planned.”

You laughed. “Ah, you know me so well.”

So you followed her back through the sweaty crowds, hand clasped in hers as she lead you to yet another corner of the club, on the other side and near the left hand bar instead of the right. It was a little quieter here, but only a little. Still, at least the music had faded enough the ringing in your ear dissipated.

She stood in front of you, chatting about some class she had been at earlier in the week but you could see her darting quick looks behind her shoulder over at something, or perhaps _someone_.

You could see exactly who she was staring at, their booth diagonal straight across from you. Enough of a distance so that it could seem totally accidental you were right here, but not so far you couldn’t see them- or that they couldn’t see you.

Ushar was definitely there, arms placed out in both directions as he tilted his head back with a laugh. He sat with a few others, just as gorgeous as the myths promised, all circled around the booth table. One sat with their back to you and you could’ve sworn-

Rey poked you, bringing your attention back to her. “Do I look okay?”

“You look great.” You smiled at her, reaching out to wipe away a little bit of lipgloss from the side of her mouth. “Is he really worth all this hassle? The dressing up, the standing at a perfect angle?"

“Probably not but..it’s fun. Besides, I totally wanna reject him tonight as revenge for ignoring me.”

Your voice turned to a gleeful singsong. “I don’t think that’s going to work oooouuuut.”

“Huh?”

Before she could even fully turn around to whoever you were smiling at, Ushar had appeared and placed a hand on her shoulder in greeting, kissing her cheek.

“What are you doing here?” God his voice was nice- even you shivered slightly listening to him, grateful for the dark lighting so he wouldn’t see the blush on your cheeks.

He was truly one of a kind. Beautiful dark skin and those eyes- like ice.

To your surprise, as Rey introduced you after saying _you_ had dragged her out _(the cheek of her),_ he reached a hand out to you and as you shook it, leaned in to kiss your cheek also.

“Why don’t you two come sit with us? Much better than standing over here and we get table service.” He offered.

“Oh, I might actually take off-“

“Nope.” Rey grabbed your wrist in a steel tight grip. “We’d love to. She’ll stay for a couple drinks more, hmm?”

 _Bitch_ , you threw at her in your mind, though it was no use- it wasn’t exactly like she could hear you was it?

Allowing yourself to be dragged over to their table, you steeled yourself before facing the group of men in front of you.

“Ladies, this is Ap'lek, Cardo, Kuruk, Trudgen, Vicrul-“ Ushar paused, turning slightly with a smile to the other end of the table. “and Kylo.”

To quote one of your favourite films: well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

You smiled a hello, ignoring the fact your goddamn professor was sitting on the edge of the groups table, gripping the glass in his hand tightly as he didn’t even bother to say hello. The rest of them smiled at you both as you sat down.

What the hell was he doing here? You had joked to yourself a few weeks ago he didn’t seem like he couldn’t not have a social life, but why oh why of all the people you had to see tonight? Looking like this, two drinks down..

But of course. Will had mentioned Ushar was part of a close knit of friends, a few years older than you..of course he was part of the Knights. They didn’t call themselves that, of course- they had all been on a sports team together (what sport of course, wasn’t coming to mind currently) and that was the nickname that had somehow developed for them. But they were well known on campus.

How the hell hadn’t you remembered he was one of them?

“Ushar has been staring at you for nearly twenty minutes.” One of them, Vicrul you think, butts into the conversation immediately and grins at the two of you.

“Is that so?” Rey blinked up at him. She had wedged you between her and the others, leaving Ushar on the end of the table once again. Thank god for alcohol because you felt half naked with all of them staring at you as your friend flirted with theirs.

“No, I have not. Not in that way- I was just trying to figure out if it was you so I didn’t walk over to two random girls.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Your ass.” Vicrul again.

The one beside him, Ap’lek, elbowed him hard enough so that he spilled some of his drink and exclaimed.

You took the welcome distraction for the group to glance up at your professor- and you were surprised to find he was watching you, eyes devouring you as you sat in front of him. He looked good. He always looked good, of course, but especially tonight even dressed in all black.

As much as you truly hated yourself for it, you knew exactly who you’d be dreaming of this evening. Again, you were grateful for the flashing lights that would hide your blushing cheeks.

“I’m going for another drink.” Trudgen announced and hauled the table out of the way, allowing him to skirt around in front of Ren. You blinked- these things were heavy. He must be ridiculously strong. Some of the others followed, just leaving you, the happy couple and Vicrul who slid up right beside you.

He said your name a few times, as if testing it on his lips. “So, you got dragged here to spy on us?”

That almost had you spitting back your drink. “Huh?”

“You’re telling me, that Rey managed to be here on the exact night Ushar was, in the same area, right where he could see her..?”

You smirked at him. “Yep.”

Ren snorted, tipping his drink back and finishing it. But he didn’t move to go and get a refill- just sat, casting an eye over to his friend who was sitting very close to you.

“Well, to be fair Trudgen dragged us here tonight to spy on a girl- and Ushar almost refused in case she called him.” Vicrul nodded to the two of them who were now shuffling out of the booth.

“We’re going to dance.” Rey offered a hand towards you but you shook your head- not nearly enough drinks had entered your body yet and besides, now she had found him you were ready to dip out for the night. You hadn’t wanted to be here in the first place and the professor to your left only made things more uncomfortable.

“Soo..” Vicrul moved away slightly, towards his over friend and tugged at you to move closer to them both. You did so reluctantly. “You’re very quiet Kylo. He’s always quiet- he has this whole, I’m very moody and mysterious thing going on.”

You clamped down on any laughter threatening to escape from you.

“Wait, he actually teaches at our old campus! Do you-“ He paused, glancing between the two of you. “Oh my god, he teaches you. Doesn’t he?”

What had given it away, you weren’t sure. Perhaps Ren’s scowl, his tight demeanour, or maybe the awkward smile on your face.

“Every Tuesday and Friday.” You confirmed.

Fortunately, Vicrul just howled with laughter at this awkward fact. You were grateful- any other reaction would just be painful to witness and it eased you slightly.

“That sucks. He tutored me through science and he was a bastard- so don’t worry if he’s super hard on you. He’s like that with everyone.

“I disagree.” You muttered, but he seemed to miss it and continue to speak about their old days of working together. Unfortunately, it seems your professor hadn’t given his raised eyebrow towards you.

“Wait a sec, are you the tutee? The reason he’s late to poker on Wednes-?“

“Vic, do you ever get tired of hearing yourself speak?” Ren finally spoke, interrupting his friend with a threatening growl.

But it didn’t seem to bother him too much. He stood, dusted his jacket and offered you another grin. “Alright, alright, I’m going. Nice to meet you.”

Vicrul crawled over the table and headed off in the direction Rey had gone. You almost grabbed the back of his jacket, begging him to come and sit as the buffer between you and your professor, but he was gone far too quickly.

A few moments of awkward silence and you could almost feel your skin crawling with worry. It was agonising.

“This is weird.” You blurted out.

Ren just rolled his eyes at you- but spoke, moments later. “Yeah. It is.”

There was no way in hell you were going to sit here and make awkward conversation with him- it was stifling enough doing it every Wednesday night and you were only one slip away from saying something you knew you’d regret. You needed his help and sitting in a nightclub with him was only asking for trouble.

You stood, collecting your coat from behind you. “I’m just leaving anyway, it’s fine-“

“Why do people even come to nightclubs?”

His question caught you off guard. You stopped shuffling away from him, towards the exit, and paused in your seat. “Fun?”

“This is fun?” Bored eyes slid to yours.

“It can be, with the right people, the right kind of night.” You shrugged but he still didn’t seem convinced- you weren’t exactly being the most convincing. Clubs had a 90/10 percent success rate with you. Either the night was totally terrible (usually whilst sober, sobering up and mildly drunk) or the best night of your life (typically occurring when you were blackout.)

You knew Ren must’ve had a lot to drink- there was no way he was talking to you in this way soberly. Still, it was a little disappointing if this was drunk Ren to see he was no different than his usual self, just let the reigns of his voice run a little looser- but barely.

“Underneath it all.. people are here to what..? Destroy their bodies with toxins? Fuck someone, in the hope that for thirty minutes of pleasure they can forget their shitty lives? Nobody comes to a club just to dance.”

You couldn’t help but ask. “Why are you here?”

“The former option, obviously.” He nodded to the glass in front of him. “The latter isn’t exactly my style.”

Something in those eyes of his- so ravenous that you felt like he was just swallowing you whole by staring at you. The way he was sitting, so unlike in the classroom where he was rigid. Upright. Now, he was sprawled, legs gently apart, arm resting on the cushions behind him as he took you in.

“Why? Prefer it to be shorter than thirty minutes?”

That would cost you eventually, you knew that. _Still your professor,_ that little voice in your mind reminded you.

The tiniest of smiles tugged at his lips, gone within a second, and you felt something that was like pride light up your chest. You wanted to stamp on it immediately- stupid, so stupid to want to please him. To want to see a smile light up that ever miserable face of his.

“Careful.” Was his only reply before he stood. You watched as he disappeared off into the crowds, going where you weren’t sure.

What you were sure of, is that you professor hadn’t looked at you tonight as he had before with eyes of disgust, or boredom or tiredness.

He had looked at you with lust. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i'm sorry this is TRASH 
> 
> smut coming soon lol 
> 
> Also I'm VERY sorry I keep updating all the chapter titles and shit over and over, think I'm done now.
> 
> bye!!


	5. INSANITY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smut! off to cry now!

“Well hi stranger.”

You turned in your chair, following the voice that came from behind you. It was Will, now circling around to the chair in front of you. He looked cute- tucked up with a blue scarf and a smart grey jacket, his hair damp from the cold outside.

Winter was arriving with some haste, shoving its way into autumn. The heater in the apartment was broken and you had spent the entire night shivering. All through the day too and you couldn’t take it anymore- so you had thrown on about fifty layers and run out the door in search of some coffee and a hot place to study.

“Hi.” You smiled at him, pulling the other earphone out of your ear. You turned down the music blasting for it, realising then you had a missed text from Rey- something about Ushar coming to fix the heater for her. Lucky girl. “How are you?”

“I’m good. You’re here pretty late.” He nodded down to the papers in front of you.

You had been at the library for two hours trying to finish an essay for Ren’s tutoring class tomorrow. It was privately assigned, nothing that would get you any actual credit. Luckily you were pretty ahead of the game with the rest of your work, including your dissertation.

“I’m being..tutored. Just finishing up an assignment.” You decided against lying- there was nothing to hide from Will, right? “How come you’re here?”

“Oh, I just love the library. Walking around, smelling the books..” He trailed off with a smile. “Kidding, of course. I just finished an essay up as well- listen, I actually came over to ask you if you wanted to go out again sometime.”

You had wondered why he hadn’t asked yet over text despite the fact the two of you had been talking a lot. You had worried he hadn’t enjoyed the date as much as you thought- but here he was. God he was so _nice_ \- it was kind of refreshing from the people you had dated before him, albeit (rather cruelly) a little boring.

But maybe boring was good and not even necessarily boring. Maybe it just wasn’t toxic and stupid- that was definitely something you’d need to work on.

The answer slipped out quicker than you expected. “I’d love to.”

“Great. How about tomorrow? I’m pretty busy this weekend.”

Tomorrow was Wednesday, tutoring day..

“I have a class until seven-“

“I could pick you up after? I’m not trying to be pushy, I just have a plan in mind.”

You smiled. Pushy you could certainly handle- it was much better than someone who couldn’t stick to a plan or was too shy to ask what you wanted.

“Seven it is.”

Professor Ren had something birdlike about him. Perhaps his nose, curved downwards as he read your paper reminded you of the creatures. Every movement he made was so controlled, so calculated. Never seeming to lose his temper, his focus. As controlled as the wings on a birds back, guiding them to wherever necessary.

Whilst you imagined him in bird form, he slipped the essay across the desk to you with a sigh.

“I read the essay you did for Callahan’s class.” His voice broke right into your thoughts.

Your eyebrows raised in surprise- were they even allowed to share that kind of work with each other? “You did?”

Ren was everything Callahan wasn’t. You could see how much he loved his subject, his passion breaking through into his voice even when he kept his face eternally still. Callahan had this horrible gaze, as if he was seeing right through all of you- like you weren’t even there. Moving bodies he could care less for. His lessons were nothing new, nor exciting. He was the class to take for an easy pass.

“Not to his knowledge, obviously.” Your mouth could’ve dropped then. He wasn’t exactly supposed to be telling you that- why was he so sure you wouldn’t rat him out? “It was excellent. Something that deserved the A- it received.”

You were surprised at that- a Callahan A wasn’t rare. In fact, it was probably one of the more common grades of his class. You had to be a real dunce to get anything below a B-. But the fact he had thought your work good made you

“So, again, I’m prompted to ask what is it exactly that isn’t clicking with the work in my class?”

You grabbed the essay in front of you, marked down exactly as it had been last time. C-. No improvement, not even on your third week of tutoring. You hadn’t expected it to come quickly, but at least a C+ would show for something.

You were in no mood to play games today. He apparently didn’t want you to fail and yet here he was, discrediting you at every little mistake like no other professor would. “You tell me. You’re hardly tutoring me.”

“Careful.” He warned.

“Careful? Of what, you?” You scoffed, noting his hands curling slightly. “Why don’t you teach me what I’m doing wrong here- all you do is throw questions at me and give the answers but no explanation why I’m wrong or why they are the way they are.”

A few moments of silence.

“Maybe you’re just unteachable.”

Childish insult. You almost laughed at him, leaning back in your chair. “Maybe you’re just a shitty teacher.”

He snarled at you. “Anybody would be a shitty teacher to someone with so little capacity for information.”

“Fuck you.”

There was no logic to this argument, no real need for it- it was bickering, plain and simple. But why he got under your skin so, why he angered you so much you weren’t sure. There was a competitive edge to these small fights, to one up each other, to create a chasm of insults so deep there was no returning.

For a few moments, it seemed perhaps he would even accept defeat, a twitch in his eye as he stared you down. You stared right back, almost tempted to stick out your tongue at him.

Then he moved, quicker than sound itself and you gasped as his hand collided with your mouth, pinching your lips together in a hard squeeze. Tears immediately sprang to your eyes as he loomed over you, clutching your face so hard you felt it may crack in half.

“What is it going to take for you to shut this mouth of yours?”

You let out a yelp as he yanked you upwards from your seat and dragged you by the cheeks, feet trailing behind in stumbles, towards the board behind his desk. He practically slammed your head against it.

“Writing lines? Should we make it the old fashioned kind of punishment? Throw you over my knee until you cry?” He snarled. “Or, something more modern? Do I just take the cowards route and throw you out of my class?”

Something inside you warmed at that and you attempted to snatch his hands away from your face, but he only pushed your cheeks together harder.

“I’m serious. You talk back, you misbehave, you hand in shitty work.” He listed off your many wrongdoings, moving his arm so it now trapped your neck underneath and your back was completely against the board. “It drives me insane- it’s what keeps me up. Why won’t you _learn_? Why aren’t you improving? I can’t find a way to fix it.”

More silence between the two of you. Desperately trying to keep in the tears that were currently threatening to escape your eyes, you just focused your gaze on his stubbornly.

With a sigh, he let go of your face. Your cheeks moulded back to where they had always been with a thumping pain, your hand immediately touching one. It felt hot.

_It drives me insane._

You met his eyes, hand still lingering on your face. Nothing in those eyes- nothing but sheer darkness. But, it didn’t scare you. Not even a little.

_It keeps me up._

Instead, you found your feet taking a step forward closer to him. He froze, the only sound between you was his heavy breathing.

You could admit to yourself, and only yourself, you thought about him a lot. About his hands, his mouth, his eyes. Perhaps this is why your work had gone so downhill- perhaps every single inch of you had screamed for him since the moment you had met him and now, here was your chance to cleanse your mind. Once and for all. Then perhaps you’d be able to get some work done- and done well too.

You took a deep breath, steeled yourself. Then, as high as you could manage on your toes, you leaned upwards and bushed your lips against his.

Time froze in that very moment. His body, rigid in front of you, your eyes opening to meet his. Nothing there, not clue of what he was thinking or feeling- but for you, it only confirmed exactly what you had been thinking moments before.

You were aching for him, desire pooling deep in your stomach.

Then he moved. Hands winding themselves into your hair, tugging your face back to meet his as he kissed you- but there was nothing gentle about this kiss, nothing gentlemanly or loving. His teeth clashed with yours and moved, tearing your lip down and forcing your mouth more open to meet his. Tongue skimming along the edge of your mouth, as if he would ask permission, before diving inside without gaining it.

It was unlike anything else you’d ever experienced. Nobody had ever kissed you like this, with such carelessness, such confidence.

His other hand was tight on your waist, shoving you back into the board behind the two of you. You could feel the bruises forming at his rough touch already. With a gasp, he broke away from the kiss, holding you in place.

He walked off towards the door and for a moment, you wondered if he might just leave- but he simply reached out and clicked the lock on the door, turning back to you with primal eyes. You felt like a chicken in the coup, the gate left wide open for the fox to walk right in and eat you up.

But it was you that had left that gate open. You that was allowing him to walk up to you, knees trembling as he approached.

Wordlessly, he gripped your shoulder and almost threw you to the floor, your knees crumpling as you bent down in front of him. He began to unzip his pants, achingly slowly. You watched, entranced as he shuffled around inside them.

Your gaze travelled up his entire body, marvelling at the sheer size of him. He was truly something of beauty, something so unique. You couldn’t believe he was letting you touch him, letting his lips touch yours so passionately. It felt pathetic to say so, but your entire mind had turned to mush whilst staring at him.

He glared at you.“You’re going to learn to use your mouth for something else. Understand?”

You just nodded, eagerly watching as he pulled out his erection- holy hells. To say he was packing would be a cruel understatement and you felt yourself swallow in something like fear as he ran his hand up and down it, precum dripping from it.

“Answer me.”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Sir. Yes, sir.”

“Good.” He shifted towards you, your head tilting up to follow him. “Now, suck.”

You didn’t need to be told twice. Leaning forward, you opened your mouth and took as much of him as you could manage. Halfway down and he almost filled your mouth, touching the back of your throat- but you pushed on, ignoring the gag in your throat as you ran your tongue over the tip of his dick.

His answering groan was fire to your blood, fuelling your confidence as you allowed yourself to kneel a little higher, bringing your two hands up to assist you. Your felt him pinch your cheek as he moved his hips back and forth into your mouth in heavy thrusts.

“Look at me.” He demanded. You met his eyes, tears glazing over your view as he began to move faster, deeper, completely cutting off any airflow you had.

God he felt so good- gloriously huge, throbbing and rock hard.

Your hands and mouth moved in a steady flow, tongue licking up every inch of juice and skin that was there. His thighs were shaking slightly, hands weaving their way into your hair and he tugged, pulling so hard you felt he might rip it out of your skull.

Moving with a renewed vigour at his groans, you watched his face crumple in pleasure. Sweat beads appeared on his forehead from the strain of his crouched position. Your tongue swirled all around, feeling his velvet dick twitch.

Every noise coming from the two of you was disgusting, wet, smacking. Ren pulled himself the entire way out, letting his dick flop out of your mouth before slamming straight back in and repeating that another few times.

“Fucking-“ Another trust. You gagged again, stomach flipping in pain. “Whore. Is this what you like? Is this how I can get you to pay attention?”

You moved down in answer, licking his entire length before moving to the balls below, gently sucking them in your mouth as your hands continued to stroke him. He groaned in approval and you felt his cock go lethally hot, twitching endlessly in your hands. He was close, moments-

Ren moved, slamming his cock into your mouth as he came, cum splashing right down your throat and coating every inch of your mouth. You coughed, but he kept himself stuffed inside your mouth, not allowing you to back away an inch.

Then, he drew himself out and bent down, pinching your mouth closed and your nose straight after it. “Swallow.”

You did so, feeling it slip down your throat with a slow plop. Gasping for air, he tsk’d in approval, tucking himself away as you remained on your knees, breathless, head spinning. The imprint of the carpet had blended right into your knees, starting to itch your legs.

“You’re free to go anytime.” He motioned towards the door, tapping the watch settled on his wrist he so often wore. You rolled your eyes and stood, dusting yourself off and collecting your things. No words were exchanged between the two of you as you threw your jacket on and turned towards the door.

“I hope you start producing decent work now.”

Despite yourself, you threw him a little smile. “If I don’t manage that?”

He just shook his head. “That isn’t something you should want to know.”

“I think I do.”

No hint of a smile on his face- but he was watching you now, curiously. Perhaps even a little impressed, something you would take with a little pride. “Don’t bite off more than you can chew, scholar.”

That was to be your dismissal then. _Prick_. But what had you expected from Ren? Nothing more. He was a prick, through and through. You should’ve known better than expected anything else from him.

At least this probably meant your lessons were through. He had got what he wanted.

“See you on Friday.” You called as you slipped out the door, unwilling to wait around and see if he would remind you of another lesson next week.

Outside was painfully cold and you looked up, noticing the clouds coating the sky above you. Wrapping your scarf around your neck, you pulled your phone out of your bag and dialled the number quickly.

You couldn’t believe what had happened and worse, how it had made you feel. Nothing about that satisfied you not truly- except perhaps seeing Ren’s face completely dissolve into pleasure. To know you could do that to him- but couldn’t anyone? How many others had been in that office with him, received the same lessons?

You didn’t dare to think.

But you knew it would be all you would think about- because now, instead of being satisfied, your body was screaming for more.

You wanted Ren. More than ever before.

“Hello?” You had almost forgotten you were on the phone and blinked as the voice awoke you from your trance.

“Will. Hi. Listen, I’m so sorry but I need to cancel for tonight..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is BAD I KNOW i'm sorry, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> appreciate all the kudos & reads. i notice u all!! tysm


	6. JEALOUSY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we fuckin

“No! Eyes!” You shouted, almost dropping all of the folders right out of your hand.

Rey giggled, hopping off Ushar and the two of them settled back onto the couch as they watched you throw your things on the table.

Throwing them a glare, you took your jacket off right after and threw it down by your newly fixed heater, courtesy of the man currently laid out over your couch. Something you were sure Rey was paying him back for, right now, unfortunately.

“Man, you’re wound tight today.” Rey teased. “Date with Will didn’t go well?”

If only she knew- you were in fact wound tight, but it had nothing to do with Will and instead to do with your stupid professor.

You wanted him- and you hated yourself for it. He had used you plain and simple and yet you still couldn’t think about anything else except him.

And his dick.

“There was no date, I-“ You paused. Rey didn’t know about the tutoring sessions. It seemed, from what Vicrul had said in the club, Ushar perhaps did. “I cancelled. Too tired.”

Rey sat up. “I thought you were just going to the library before?”

You caught Ushar’s eyes, silently pleading with him to say nothing. What he would think of this, god knows- but you weren’t in the mood to answers Rey’s hundred questions about tutoring and why you had hid it. Especially now.

“Are you the Spanish inquisition? Leave her be.” Ushar elbowed her gently with a smile and she rolled her eyes- but the questioning stopped. He wasn’t going to rat you out thankfully.

You walked into the kitchen, grabbing some coffee out the fridge and turned as Rey scurried in behind you, smiling sheepishly. She grabbed the coffee out of your hand and poured herself a glass before handing it back to you.

“So it seems playing hard to get went well?”

She looked behind her before lowering her voice. “Oh, I walked off that night at the club. Didn’t answer his calls for two days, said I had a lot of work to do.”

“So this is..?”

“Well, I finally gave in. But he won’t leave me alone now- hook, line and sinker.”

You chuckled. If only it was as simple as that for you. You supposed it could be, with someone like Will. But how could you even see him again? You completely blew him off after giving Ren a blowjob for christ sake. That wasn’t the start to a great love story.

But he was kind and.. what the fuck were you doing? Blowing him off for that asshole? You needed to get a grip.

The thing with Ren would never happen again. It was decided.

Maybe it wouldn’t work with Will but you had always been good at putting yourself first, at putting what was good for you first- someone like Ren..it would never end well. He was a prick.

Walking back through to the living room you were pleasantly surprised to see the happy couples lips still unattached from each other. But both were watching you expectantly as you grabbed your things.

“What?”

Rey pouted.“What do you mean _what_ , I haven’t said anything!”

“You’re both staring at me. What is it?”

“We were just talking about Ushar’s birthday..and the party he’s having..” She trailed off, raising an eyebrow at you. “Well I can bring someone. I would ask you..”

“But?”

“Well I might take Finn- you know, if it’s going to be awkward with Ren..you seemed rather uncomfortable the other night.”

Oh, she had _no_ idea.

Ushar rolled his eyes. “And I told her to bring you both-” He batted off her hands. “But she doesn’t want to be rude. Anyway, I’m inviting you both. Problem solved. It’s on Saturday, I rented out a bar and you do not have to bring a present since it’s so last minute.”

You shook your head, but smiled nonetheless. “I’ll need to see if I’m busy-“

“Ren hates parties and will be there an hour, tops. Are you still busy?” He countered.

You laughed again. “Well, I think my schedule just blew wide open.”

“Books open to page forty three please.” Ren slammed the book on the desk in front of you and walked on, throwing them onto everyone else’s desk. “I want to talk about John F Lange today.”

“Who in the hell..” Kiana muttered beside you, flipping open the book in front of her. She had taken a seat right next to you, deliberately it seemed.

You smiled at her. “Good to know this class basically counts for nothing in my degree because Ren is really doing a shitty job today. I hate Lange.”

“It doesn’t?”

“No, it’s an elective. I considered dropping it..” You watched as he powered up his screen at the front of the class. As always, he never looked towards you- not even a mere glance when you walked in.

“Now, who is John F Lange..?”

You fell into a daydream as the professor asked his usual questions, flipping through his slideshow. Kiana nudged you with her foot, slipping a piece of paper onto your desk.

_Plans after this class? I SO need help with this essay he’s assigned us this week. I’ll read yours too if you want?_

You scribbled back immediately. _Sounds like a deal._

She grinned at you and tucked it into her bag, both of your attentions turning back to the front of the room where unfortunately, Ren had decided then was the key moment to look at you. He stood in complete silence, arms folded.

“Anything in that note you wish to share ladies?”

Kiana swallowed. “No, sir.”

His eyes swung in your direction slowly. Waiting.

“No.”

He paused, but you didn’t bother to add the sir. Screw him for pulling you up like you were a couple of sixteen year olds.

“Since you would rather pass notes, why don’t you tell me about Lange? I mean, since you don’t seem to feel the need to pay attention.”

Kiana paused, but you were already hooked in right on the bait.

“Lange, known as John Norman, is a misogynistic piece of shit and you shouldn’t even be spending time studying him when we could be studying people that matter.” You answered quickly. Sharp inhales came from all around you.

“We study all people in this class, even the ones we don’t like.” Ren narrowed his eyes at you.

“I don’t see why. Lange hates woman, he makes no secret of that in these books. He isn’t worth the time or the day of any lesson.”

You could see that all too familiar twitch under his eye. “That’s enough.”

Picking up the book, you shut it in front of you. “I won’t be studying him.”

Another flare of the nostrils. But Ren kept a lid on it- just. “Enough- be silent or you will be made to stand in the hall until this is over.”

Kiana glanced over at you as he resumed the lesson. You half expected a look of horror or confusion from her- but she just gave you a small thumbs up and when he wasn’t looking, passed a smiley face on a note over.

Professor Ren called your name as you practically sprinted towards the door, wondering if you could skimp out on whatever talking to he was going to give you.

But there was to be no such luck today.

Kiana left, signalling she would wait in the hallway for you and you nodded, turning back towards him very slowly.

“This won’t take long.” He turned in his chair, peeling his glasses off his face. “Don’t come to tutoring again. You think because what? You had my dick down your throat it means you can act like that in class?”

He was being as blunt as ever it seemed. You sneered, mimicking him. “You think what? Because I had your dick shoved down my throat I would shut up and be quiet?”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“And you’re a shitty teacher- you got what you wanted and now, you’re back to being your usual delightful self, calling me out in class like we’re in high school. I’m glad now I know you never wanted me to improve, you just wanted to fuck me. I will _gladly_ not be returning to our tutoring sessions considering they did fuck all anyway.”

He stood. “Just go- fail this class for all I care, or leave it all together if you so wish. I couldn’t care less.”

You spun on your heel and went, slamming his door behind you. His arrow had hit his mark exactly because _fuck_ , you hated him.

But what you hated most was exactly that- that he couldn’t care less.

The bar was gorgeous and definitely far too fancy for someone who was only turning twenty six (it wasn’t exactly like it was a big birthday.)

Very minimalist-classical, a gorgeous black bar lined with silver and all over the walls and under the bar itself, bright LED lights. The lights themselves are a shining pink, making everyone look about ten times better than they already did.

Along the walls, lines and lines of booze- much of which would be certainly consumed by you this evening.

You smoothed your dress down, huddled in beside Finn as you entered. You tried to go for a kind of mid way look- the dress was short but had short sleeves too. Ruffles, but low cut and tied at the waist.

“Happy birthday!”

Ushar had appeared in front of you all and Rey wasted no time wrapping her arms around him and pressing a kiss to his lips. Finn fake gagged at you, causing you to giggle before he reached over and shook Ushar’s hand.

Your eyes were on the room surrounding you, scanning you for that one pair of eyes you didn’t want to see. You hadn’t told either of your flatmates about the harsh exchange of words the two of you had.

You hadn’t stopped thinking about it either.

The four of you walked towards the bar and ordered drinks, rambling off the usual order without much of a thought- but you were still looking. Scanning.

“He’s not here yet.”

You glanced up at Ushar who handed you your drink. Your friends, thankfully, were preoccupied with someone to their left who they both seemed to know.

Trying to feign indifference, you just took a sip of your drink. “Oh?”

“You know, poker on Wednesday was the most relaxed I’ve seen him in weeks. Maybe even a month. Then he turns up to help with set up yesterday and snaps my face off.” He raised an eyebrow at you. “Any idea why?”

“Nope.”

“Any reason you haven’t told your friends you’re being tutored by him?”

“Nope.”

“My, so chatty tonight _scholar_.” He lowered his voice slightly. You glared at him, cheeks burning red. “Relax. Your secret is safe with me.”

With that, he hooked an arm around Rey’s waist and took her away to join in with another conversation. You watched him go, a little embarrassed.

“Come on. Drink up!” Finn tipped your glass towards your mouth.

At least you had him- your little piece of sanity.

He was here.

He was looking at you.

Finn had pretty much been beside you most of the evening, chatting away to everyone you had stopped by. Most of the people here were older than the two of you, graduated a few years before. But they were surprisingly kind and very helpful with the advice- despite the few drinks you had, you felt better- a few had reassured you that your whole ‘spinning out’ feeling was pretty normal and your friends being extremely prepared actually _wasn’t_ the norm.

But eventually, Finn had wandered off to speak to someone else and right as you had been left alone at a table, Vicrul had sauntered over with his usual charm and smile.

That was, of course, when you had finally spotted him- looking, quite frankly, delicious as he leaned against the bar. He hadn’t looked at you since you both locked eyes, but you kept a steady eye on him as you stood there.

“You’re very quiet tonight _scholar_.” Vicrul said. You practically spat your drink on him- these bastards.

“Who told you all to call me that?”

“Kylo let the name slip on Wednesday by accident and it’s stuck now I’m afraid. Kind of funny right?”

You dared another glance at him. “He talked about me?”

“He was later than usual. Just explained you needed a little more time, felt like he had finally had a breakthrough..” Vicrul reached and knocked twice on your brain. “Our little brainiac.”

You batted his hand. “Shut up.”

He laughed and moved a step closer, leaning on the table. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“I want an honest answer.”

“Okay.”

“I mean it- brutal. Be mean.”

“Alright, what?”

“Do I have…” He glanced behind him. The panic in his eyes made your chest tighten for a moment. “a muffin top.”

“What?”

“In these pants. Do I have a muffin top.”

It was so bizarre that you started to laugh, grabbing his arm for support as you clutched your stomach. It wasn’t even that funny-but the multiple drinks had definitely made their way into your blood now.

“No. You’re like..” You reached out and patted him. “Rock solid. Flat. I can barely see you when you stand side on, y’know.”

“That is not a compliment! I’m muscly, you should be able to see me.”

You huffed, blowing the hair out your eyes. “Men- no pleasing them.”

“I could easily say the same about women. I mean, here I am- making you laugh, buying you a drink- yet you still haven’t asked me out.”

“Asked you out?” You spluttered. “When did you buy me a drink?”

He grinned as with perfect timing, the waitress arrived at the table and placed your order down in front of you and another beer for him.

“So..” He motioned to himself and the glasses in front of you.

You paused, smile faltering. You liked Vicrul- he was hot. A lot hotter than Will, that was for sure and he did have an interest in you.

But you had been with his friend, his other friend was with yours.. there was so many strings here, developing more quickly than you could keep up.

Vicrul nodded. “Ouch. Got it.”

“No, no, I’m sorry I just-“ Unconsciously, your eyes darted to Ren again who was still by the bar. Except now, he was watching you. Not even just glancing- shamelessly staring with a look in his eyes you didn’t dare try to decipher.

When you turned back, Vicrul had followed your stare and shook his head.

“Of course.”

“What?”

“The scholar slip, the ranting about a student for the past month..” He slapped his forehead. “I’m guessing he was late on Wednesday because..” He trailed off but you didn’t exactly need to fill in the blanks. “Shit. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry-“

“Hey, don’t be. Look anybody that can make Ren just relax for one night is my kind of girl.”

“He hates me.” You grumbled.

Vicrul just scoffed at you, patting your shoulder. “No scholar. I don’t think he does.”

With that, Vicrul bid you a goodbye and headed off in the direction of his friends. You watched him go, darting the stare of one in particular.

Still avoiding him, you walked straight past and round the corner, heading to the bathrooms at the back of the building. It was empty, thank god- you needed a minute to collect yourself.

_He hates me._

_I don’t think he does._

He belittled you, kicked you out of his class, dismissed you without a thought and yet you _relaxed_ him? You could’ve laughed. Of course you fucking relaxed him- he released a load into your mouth. That would relax most men.

The bathroom door slammed behind you, clicking, and you spun on your heel, mouth dropping slightly as you watched Ren enter behind you.

“What the-“

He slammed you against the sink, mouth attacking yours. You let out a heavy huff of air, hands bracing against his chest. He quickly grabbed them, pinning your hands above your head. You could’ve sworn the mirror behind you cracked.

His hands travelled down, hauling you up from the ground and slamming you down onto the sink with a thud, squeezing your behind.

“Ky- Ren-, whats-?”

He broke away from you with a sigh. “Just do me a favour and shut up.”

Then without much warning, his hands skimmed up your thighs and fingers curled around your panties. Forcefully yanking them down, he pulled them down and right over your ankles. You were completely exposed and closed your legs a little shyly, eyes nervously darting towards the bathroom door he just locked behind him.

Goosebumps broke out all over your skin as you watched him twirl the panties on his fingers, lip curled as he noted their hot pink colour.

“Look at these- look at you.” He sneered. “Flirting with my friends like a whore, dressing like this-“

You moved your hands to shove at him, swearing at him but he moved quicker than you and slammed them above your hands again. He shoved the panties into his pants, giving you a devious smile- you blinked. You had never seen him smile before.

Jesus he was beautiful.

“I know you want me.” Fingers trailed up your thighs. You shivered. “I can feel it-“ He moved further upwards and you bit your lip, clamping down on the escaping moan as he stroked the top of your pussy. Soaking wet. “Am I wrong?”

“N-no.” You stuttered out, taking a deep breath as he startled twirling a little circle.

“Then open your legs.” He stood back, folding his arms. “ _Now_.”

You did as he asked slowly, cheeks flaming a hot red as your legs swung open, revealing yourself completely to him. He sighed and dipped down to his knees in front of you, hands pushing your legs open even further.

“Look at me.” He demanded once again, echoing himself from that time his office. You nodded, holding your breath in anticipation. “And be quiet- or everything will know what you were doing in public, _whore_.”

He dipped his head- and at the first skim of his lips over your pussy, you moaned and shoved a hand over your mouth immediately. Tried to hold in every whine and moan escaping you, threatening to expose exactly who you had come in here with.

Lips pressed a soft kiss against you- but that was as soft as he got. His tongue followed straight after, circling around your clit as he shoved a finger inside of you. Your entire body jerked, moving in rhythm with his finger.

“Idiot.” He mumbled, watching as his fingers moved steadily in and out of you before adding another one. Your head titled back, smacking into the mirror behind you. “You think any of my friends could do this for you?”

“No- sir.” You were practically gasping for air as he brought a thumb to your clit. Every inch of you was throbbing for him, for more. Your hips buckled towards him as a whine escaped you, your hands clutching the sink beneath you, desperately trying to find your sanity.

“Then why flirt with them? They’ll never satisfy you..they are _children_. Pathetic children who could never make you feel like this.”

“They’re _your_ age- and I _wasn’t_ flirting with them.”

He slammed his fingers inside you, right to the knuckle and you groaned. “They are immature brats. That is what you’d prefer? To a _man_?”

Fingers skimming over your lips. You shook your head no and moved again, desperate for him to fuck you.

“My desperate little scholar.” He clicked his tongue and rubbed harder, pumping his fingers further.

Something inside you warmed at _my_. Your tongue felt it was tied in knots. “Not anymore.”

He huffed, rocking his hand against you. You could feel the release inside of you circling in your stomach, ready to erupt at any moment. Ren could sense it too as he slowed slightly, giving another devious smile.

You felt it fade slightly. “No, no, please-“

“Please, what?”

“Let me cum. Please, please, _please_.” You begged, delirious. Every nerve in your body was in pure ecstasy, hissing short breaths and through them you could hear him say your name in appreciation, marvelling at your hard nub as he circled it with increased speed.

“Cum for me.” He granted you permission and within seconds, you let out a loud moan, hips jerking towards him as you came all over his hands. Heat flooded your body, leaving you warm and dizzy.

His fingers slipped out with a wet slick sound and then he was moving, his hand travelling up and over your breast, your neck and right up into your mouth. You did as he wanted, sucking his fingers and he hummed in approval.

Once they were clean he moved away from you and towards the sink beside you, washing his hands immediately. You hopped off the sink and coughed, eyebrow raised as you yanked your dress down.

“What?” He felt your eyes on him without even looking at you.

“Are you serious right now? Give me my underwear.”

“Consider it an apology gift.” He stepped around you. You huffed and turned, jumping in front of the door.  
“For what?”

“Getting back into my tutoring sessions.”

“You can’t be for real.”

“I’m leaving. See you Tuesday- try not to let this essay disappoint me.” He paused and you almost flinched as he reached up, his fingers wiping your chin and the lipstick that had smeared there off your face. “Or else.”

He disappeared out the toilet past you with two quick strides, gone as if he was never there.

You stepped out after him in a daze, head spinning. A rush of emotions ran through you- happiness, satisfaction, sheer horror. You couldn’t quite get your head around the fact you were having..was an affair the right word? Whatever it was, it was dangerous.

He had followed you in there tonight, for what reason you weren’t quite sure. The way he had talked about his friends, his eyes as he entered- angry but..desperate. As if he needed to prove something.

_They’ll never make you feel like this._

You shivered again and glanced up as you heard your name being called.

Finn stood in front of you, mouth open. You followed his eyes as they went from you, to Ren who was now wandering out the exit door of the bar. It wasn’t exactly hard to put two and two together and now..

“What were you two doing in there for so long?”

“Finn- I- we-“

Finn sighed, throwing his hand dramatically over his head. “Oh my god. You’re fucking him?”

Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the support love u guys !!!!  
> Also sorry i keep changing all the chapter names LOL, i should b done now!


	7. SHADOW OF THE PAST

One hour and twenty four minutes.

It had been one hour and twenty four minutes and yet, Finn still hadn’t stopped questioning you on your blooming relationship with Professor Ren.

Not that it _was_ a relationship.

“He could get fired- you could get expelled!”

“It’s not against the rules technically..” Rey paced in front of the two of you, holding the faculty notebook that you did _not_ want to know how she had. “I mean, it is an abuse of power but they simply ask professors are not currently teaching said student before dating them or even better, wait until they leave the college.”

“He is teaching her!”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m right here you know.”

The second you had walked out of that bathroom, Finn knew exactly what had happened- there was no way for you to deny it. He had grabbed you by the arm and practically threw you outside then went and grabbed Rey as well, citing an emergency.

She then learned during the cab ride home exactly why Finn had made the three of you leave and you had been questioned since, relentlessly pestered to the point your head ached. Your ass had barely touched the couch before they began and you were still here, curled up on the end of it.

“You hated him!”

You resisted the urge to laugh. “I mean.. I still do.”

“Then why on earth-!”

“I don’t know!” You threw your hands up in defence. “I don’t know. I know it’s dumb..I just.. there’s something about him.”

Rey sighed and collapsed onto the couch in-between the two of you, head lulling in your direction. Her eyes searched every inch of your face for some kind of truth- but she wouldn’t find it there. Nobody would. You didn’t known the truth of how you felt yourself.

What was there to feel after two bouts of oral sex? It wasn’t as if you were dating him. There was nothing to feel currently.

“Why didn’t you tell us about this?”

You rubbed your head. “I just..couldn’t.”

“Because it’s wrong?” Finn snapped.   
“I guess it is, I mean-“ You groaned. “No, I don’t know. It’s just sex right now-”

_“Right now?”_

“What you’re doing is insane.” Finn shook his head. “Irresponsible. I mean, what has gotten into you? This is your last year of college and you’re being crazy.”

You glared at him. “Are you my mother or something? Chill out.”

“Chill out? You’re fucking the most horrible man on the entire planet who is in a position of power above you, and you want me to chill out? He’s obviously using you!”

“Okay, well-“

“You’re going to end it, right?”

“She has to, what if the wrong person finds out?”

“Exactly.”

“Wait a second, does Ushar know about the two of you? What about-“

Standing, you kicked your shoes off and under the table. “Okay, you two are driving me insane. No more questions tonight- I’m going to bed.”

“You lied to us, hid this thing going on with a professor and we’re driving _you_ insane?”

“Yep.” With that, you walked off towards your room and slammed the door behind you with a heavy thud. You weren’t in the mood for questions anymore and the three of you were going in circles with this.

Not very supportive circles either. The two had gone over that damn handbook multiple times, asked a million questions, debated the legality of it and more.

All things you hadn’t quite considered.

Not that there was much time to- between the lesson you had received last week, your fight yesterday and the events of tonight..

Ren was a prick.

But you had no idea what you felt for him- all you knew was that you still wanted him, despite the fact he was a prick. Despite the fact he was definitely using you.

Desperately.

Three days later, the apartment was still deathly quiet. You had chosen to avoid your friends the rest of the weekend and in doing so, had started a battle of silence- but you would certainly not be the first to break it.

You knew they probably meant well but they had come down hard on you and thrown every name in the book out about Ren. They weren’t wrong but they were your friends, or at least they were supposed to be. You wouldn’t have been so unsupportive with them. It wasn’t fair.

So, your feelings were hurt and you had taken to hiding on the top floor of the library with a very large cup of coffee and your latest essay for Ren’s class (as well as other homework. Unfortunately your workload was just very Ren centric considering he gave out work up to twice a week.)

Luckily for you and your bruised feelings, you did in fact have some company this fine evening- Kiana sat curled beside you on her chair, fingers typing away on her keyboard. The two of you had been texting a lot, back and forth especially after studying together the other day and she had jumped at the invite to come and hang out tonight. It wasn’t the most exciting get-together, but it was nice to be around someone else.

She was very pretty. It was something you hadn’t really noticed before but now, under the dim soft lights of the library it was blatant.

Her hair was pulled out of her face tonight, wound in their usual tight braids. Her makeup a little lighter than usual- just some wicked eyeliner and a purple lipstick that highlighted the shining piercing in her lip. She had a matching one in her nose.

But it was the striking tattoo that wound down her arm that really caught your eye- a dragon, winding right down her bicep to her elbow. Simple, dark lines that almost looked like it had been roughly sketched. It was beautiful.

She was the kind of girl you had always wished to be. Not afraid to wear that kind of bold makeup, get those piercings, wear those clothes- not give a shit what anyone thought except herself.

Your mother had always put those kind of girls down, just because they weren’t like everyone else. You kind of hated her for it- hated that for so long, those shitty opinions shaped your own views of girls. Luckily college had sorted you out for the most part, but every time you caught yourself being judgemental you imagined yourself smacking her.

“You’re staring at me.”

Chuckling, you put the pen in front of you down. “Sorry.”

“Penny for your thoughts?”

You paused for second before nodding to her top. “Admiring your style.”

“Really?” She seemed surprised, eyebrows raised.

“My clothes feel..bland.”

You didn’t hate your style- not even close to it. But you had always opted for comfort, casual, dare you say a little plain. Rey was a sporty kind of girl herself, typically sticking to her sports gear so she never really encouraged you to buy anything out of the ordinary. The only time she ever really dressed up was when she went clubbing and you were the same.

Kiana was chewing on her pen, watching you. “Do you have many classes tomorrow?”

“An eleven am. Then Ren at three.”

She grinned at you. “Skip the eleven- meet me at the bus stop outside the union at 10:30, alright?”

“..Alright.”

“Good. Now.” She shoved her laptop in your direction. “Read my essay and give me yours- I am determined we’re getting B’s this week, at least.” Her eyes twinkled. “Or a C+ in your case.”

You slapped her shoulder. “Cheeky bitch.”

But god, you were grateful for her.

Kiana was in the bus stop, waiting for you the next morning. You waved, yanking the earbuds out of your ears as you approached.

“Are you ready for your makeover?” She called.

God it was freezing- your hands were bright red from the twenty minute walk over here and you were sure your nose was a matching shade.

“My makeover?”

“Hell yeah bitch. I’m going to turn you into me, 2.0!” She squeezed your shoulders. “Ok that made me sound really vain. I’m sorry.”

But you just laughed. “Not at all. Where are you taking me?”

“Clothes first. Then makeup.” She reached and swiped your eye. “Then tomorrow night is lessons.”

“Lessons?”

“I’m going to show you how I do all this cool shit with a pen I’m going to make you buy- then this weekend we’re going drinking to show off these new clothes.”

You blushed. ”I feel like some nerd in a film when she gets all transformed.”

“Well..” She tugged at your sweater. “I’ve seen you on nights out. You look amazing- then you come to school on Monday and wear sports leggings and tops.”

“Convenience.”

“Well, it’s time to up the game sister. You have a rocking body, time to flex it.”

Heavier, deeper blush settled on your cheeks. She was definitely unlike any other friend you had- you loved Rey but something about Kiana made you just feel settled in your skin, truly comfortable.

She dragged you around every damn thrift store in town and you had a full movie montage moment- clothes upon clothes being thrown into your arms. Changing room after changing room where Kiana gave her godly opinion of every single item.

Silk shirts, lace camis, flares, heels- if something was slightly unconventional, you were buying it.

You were lucky your student payments had just come in because to say she overthrew your entire wardrobe was an understatement. Jewellery, hair ties, a new jacket- luckily mostly from said thrift stores so they were extremely cheap but you were still going to be eating air for a two weeks until the next payment.

It was completely worth it however when you twirled in front of her mirror in the apartment four hours later, beaming.

“You look fantastic.” Kiana checked her phone. “But we have got to go- Ren will probably smack us if we’re late.”

You choked on a laugh. That he certainly would- but the smacking you would get would be much more private. Warmth flooded your core as you envisioned it and very swiftly kicked said vision out of your mind. Not the time.

“Ok, let me just change-“

“Uh, no? Those are your clothes! Wear them with pride!” She stood and laced her hand in yours, tugging you behind her. “Come on.”

“But my stuff-“

“You can come back for it later. Look, I know you said there’s some issues going on in your apartment right now and truth be told, my flatmate moved out last week so I’m suuuper lonely..”

Quickly pulling your bag behind you, you followed her out and down the stairs of her apartment block.   
“Are you inviting me to a sleep over?” You teased.

She giggled. “I might be. Are you in?”

“I’m in.”

You crossed your legs for the third time, waiting for Ren to stop looking at whatever email was on his laptop.

His class had passed by without much bother. A few shocked looks were directed towards you, probably surprised to see you back but apart from that, nothing out of the unusual.

Except, perhaps you were wrong, but you were almost positive Ren had looked at you.. at least twice. Which was two times more than usual.

“New look?” He muttered.

You glanced down at yourself and nodded in confirmation. “New friend. She upgraded me a little.” It felt strange to tell him such, as if even that small sentence was giving him too many details- the two of you didn’t exactly chit chat.

“Hm.” He finally looked at you, setting down his pen. “Nice.”

 _Nice?_ Holy fuck, he had to be in a good mood. You dipped your head slightly in thanks, blushing scarlet.

“Do you need me to bring anything for tomorrow? You didn’t assign anything last week and I just wanted to check.”

“No, just yourself. We’ll be going over this weeks essay.” He paused. When he reached for a pile of papers, you noticed then the new additions to his fingers- rings. Three of them, gleaming and silver. Could he get any hotter? Christ. “And all of these past essays. Since you apparently think I’m teaching you nothing, we’ll be going over what you did wrong. _Seriously_ get some work done.”

His voice was so stern and you could’ve smacked him for it- as if he was telling you that _you_ needed to stay away from _him_. Prick.

“Okay, see you-“  
“Ben.” Someone called from behind you. You turned, noticing an older man standing in the doorway of the classroom. Definitely not a teacher- no lanyard or anything of the sort around his neck. He was dressed pretty smart actually. Sandy blonde hair, long like Ren’s, and a matching greying beard.

Turning back to your professor you noted how still he was as if someone had taken a remote and paused him. Nothing moved except for that twitch under his eye. You hadn’t seen him like this ever. He looked so young. So..

“Can we talk?” The man stepped further into the classroom, carefully treading. As if the professor behind you might slice him in two. His eyes travelled to you, darting between the two of you. “Hi. I’m-“

Ren said your name and then- “Go.”

No manners, as per usual from your professor. Just one word and as he stood, a soft prod to your back encouraging you towards the door. You shot him a glare and gave a polite nod to whoever this man behind you was. He certainly couldn’t have been a friend, not from the way he had shaken Ren.

Kiana was waiting for you outside, playing with her nails. “Who was that?”

You glanced back once more, noticing your professor hands fist as he stared at the man in front of him. “I have no idea.”

“So, can I ask you something?”

Kiana glanced down at you. She was currently trimming the dead ends of your hair, something she offered to do, and making a pretty decent job- she had even trimmed some layers in too. The two of you had been in her room since you returned from class- the perfect evening filed with Chinese food and terrible 90’s movies, Kiana’s favourite genre.

Yes, you did feel a little guilty for not returning home but your flatmates hadn’t even noticed and besides, why would you want to be there? They had been on the attack far too heavily and you were in no mood to face that.

“Sure.”

“What did Ren say to you, the other day? I mean, how the hell did you not get kicked out of his class for shouting at him?” She smiled. “You must’ve done something really special.”

You knew she was teasing- but something in your stomach twisted nonetheless. How many would think that when you walked back into his class today? It wasn’t like she was wrong. If you had spoken to him like that under more normal circumstances he would’ve thrown you out of his class without a thought- but he was definitely giving you an allowance. Well, considering he just buried his face in your cunt in a public bathroom, it wasn’t a surprise.

“Hello?” She waved a hand in front of you, looking at you in the mirror in front of you. “I was kidding, I’m sorry-“

“No, don’t be. He uh…” You buried your face in your hands. This secret was fast becoming public knowledge- Ren’s friends, your friends. How many more ears would hear this secret before it got to the wrong pair? “If I tell you this, please, please don’t tell anyone else.”

“Uh, alright.”

Looking up at her, you peeked through your fingers. “I’m..fucking him.”

She blinked. Then again. “Oh.”

“Do you think I’m a terrible person?”

A few moments- and then, she began to laugh. Loudly. “Hell no.”

"Really?”

“You’re fucking him and he _still_ gave you a C? At least I know you’re getting nothing but sex out of it.”

“Tell me about it.” You shuffled upwards, allowing her to continue with your hair.

“Honestly, he’s so..stoic? I guess. So good for you for conquering that tree.” She chuckled. “Even if he was giving you A’s, I’d still think you were a good person. You’re not doing something that a hundred other people haven’t before.”

“Thanks Kiana.”

“What for?”

“My friends..they found out and kind of flipped. I don’t blame them because he is an ass and, I know I’m doing something wrong but..thank you. For not shouting at me.”

She snorted. “Look, speaking from experience of being the friend that does typically freak out about this stuff, they just care about you. A lot. They just won’t have expressed it well.” Sighing, she snipped another bit of hair away from your face. “Ren is kind of an asshole and it won’t be nice thinking your friend is getting played, ya know?”

“Do _you_ think I’m being played?”

Kiana frowned. “It’s hard to say, honestly- it’s not like he’s old and trapped in a marriage that he wants to escape from- not that we know of anyway. But all I’ll say is be careful. Having sex with anyone who has a say in your future is a dangerous game.” You nodded in agreement. “Is it just sex?”

“Yes.” You answered. Perhaps not entirely the truth but you weren’t in the mood to answer any more questions about him, not tonight. Saying anything but yes would lead to a thousand of them and it wasn’t the time to face that.

You were already thinking about him enough- his face earlier was playing on your brain endlessly. That look he had was one you had seen a thousand times on the small porcelain mirror of the downstairs bathroom in your childhood home. Fear, anger, surprise all wrapped into your eyes. Often it was when you would see your mother or sit and listen to her talk, remembering exactly why you left home in the first place. She was a shadow of your past, haunting you.

Whoever that man was, he was clearly a shadow of Ren’s past- and strangest of all, he had called him Ben. Whoever the hell that was.

You had the feeling you would find out.


	8. KILL THE PAST

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm just thinkin about it girl, i'm not gon do it..i'm just thinking about it..
> 
> i did it

Frowning at the large stain on your right shoe, you tried to smudge it off as you stood outside Ren’s door that Wednesday. You had taken your time getting here in an attempt to extend your freedom and arrived to find someone in his office.

Taking a seat, you checked your phone- still no texts from either of your flatmates, but two from Kiana about your plans for this weekend.

You typed a quick reply and leaned a little closer to the door- it was definitely another guy inside, but wether it was a student or not you weren’t sure.

Butterflies flew around your stomach as you waited, more nervous than usual for some reason- but why, you weren’t sure. You hadn’t seen Ren face to face, not really, since Saturday. Thoughts flew around in your mind of what he might do to you next.

The door swung open, a loud laugh erupting from the office- but it wasn’t Ren’s but rather his friend. Trudgen.

“Ah, little scholar. Here for another lesson?” He winked at you and your cheeks flushed. “Ren’s in a bad mood today unfortunately.”

You just rolled your eyes. “Isn’t he always?”

He chuckled again and patted your shoulder, taking off down the hallway and out the exit door. You watched him go with a little sigh, stomach tightening as you turned back towards the office in front of you.

Ren was sitting on the edge of his desk, arms folded as he watched you enter. Something about the hunch of his shoulders made your heart trip over itself- he seemed..defeated wasn’t the right word. You doubted anything could ever defeat such a man. Reserved perhaps wasn’t the right word either as he was always reserved. But something was off about him.

“I’m so glad you gave them all a nickname to call me.”

He ignored you, pushing himself off the desk with a huff, which you supposed was your greeting, and took his seat again in front of you.

Sitting down, you watched him push a pile of papers towards you and tapped twice on the top right hand corner. You glanced down to where his hand had been anxiously.

_B-_

Your heart soared, then stumbled. Was this because of what had happened this weekend? Or because of your decent work?

As if he could hear the worries in your mind, he spoke.“I grade on your writing. Not on our extracurricular activities- you’ve improved.”

Well. It was something.

You clutched the paper gratefully and offered a small smile, the first you had ever given him- he just blinked in return, watching as you sorted through the rest of the papers.

“So what now?”

He sighed loudly and turned away from you. “Get some work done.”

An hour later, you were fidgeting, chewing the pen lid as you stared at the paper beneath you. You were supposed to be reading over the areas he had highlighted in an attempt to show you exactly where you had gone wrong in your past essays.

But instead, all you could currently focus on was your professors gaze which was steadily fixed on you.

“I can’t pay attention with you doing that.”

Ren didn’t even move, just continued to watch you. He was sitting back, relaxed, in his chair. One hand resting on his leg, the other on his arm rest, fingers resting on his mouth and cheeks as he supported his head.

“Are you going to help me with these?”

“Probably not.”

Glaring, you pulled the pen out your mouth and threw it down. “Why?”

“In all honesty scholar, I’m really in no mood to do any kind of work with you today.” He just shrugged, fingers moving as he spoke against them.

“Then why not send me home an hour ago?” You scoffed.

“I’m not sure.”

Asshole. Not nearly a good enough answer.

You swallowed. Dared to ask him the question that had been playing on your mind for the past twenty-four hours. “Who was that man? In your class yesterday?”

He just shook his head, refusing to reply, eyes boring into you.

“So you don’t want to help me and you won’t answer my question.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “What exactly is it you want to do, sir?”

Being honest, you knew the answer- you knew from the moment he had said he didn’t feel like doing any work. But you weren’t just going to fall to your knees in front of him and beg.

Ren continued his silence- but his eyes didn’t leave yours. Unwavering confidence lay there, as if he knew what your every move was going to be. As if he knew exactly what you wanted and what he wanted- and he fully planned to get it.

You hated it. God, you hated him- arrogant son of a bitch.

But you didn’t walk away, nor slam your books down and storm out which you should’ve done. There was so many things you should’ve done when it came to Kylo Ren- yet you walked away from each decision, down the darker path. The path towards him and..whatever this thing between the two of you was.

It was humiliating and yet..exhilarating.

You wanted all of him- and you wanted it now.

“Humour me.” You pushed your work away from you, sliding it up the desk towards him.

He raised an eyebrow at you. “How so?”

“Answer my questions-“ You rested your hand at your throat, right above the top button of your shirt and fiddled with it. “And I’ll remove a bit of clothing for every one.”

There was a hint of surprise in his eyes, something you took pride in. He nodded to you, looking a little pained. “Fine.”

You turned and strode over to the door. Quickly locking it, you walked back towards his desk and stood toes pointed towards your ankles. This was your chance to ask really anything you wished- you’d be using it to your full advantage. “Do your friends know…what’s going on with us?”

“Yes.”

Your boots came off with a thud.

“Did _you_ tell them?”

“They figured it out themselves. It wasn’t exactly difficult-“ He paused and you rolled your eyes, fingers fiddling with the buttons on your trousers. You started to pull the material over your ass. “I was late a few times, us disappearing at the party, other things…”

Kicking them off to the side, you looked up at him. “Have you fucked other students? Like this, like.. me?”

You could’ve sworn he flinched but he kept his stare even. “No.”

It was truly a tragedy how relieved you were. Your shirt followed the rest of your clothes- all that remained now was your underwear.

Ren stood and you resisted the urge to take a step back nervously. He came to a stop just an arms reach away from you, eyes devouring every inch of your body. You could feel goosebumps scatter all the way up your skin.

“Who was the man in the classroom?”

“My uncle.”

Another step closer and he hooked his finger around one bra strap, pulling it down your shoulder. Then he pulled the other and you followed suit, unhooking it from behind you and dropping it to the ground beside the two of you.

He pawed you almost immediately, finger grazing over your stiff nipple in a lazy circle. You stifled the groan rising in your throat, tried to focus on that one last question- the one you wanted to know most.

“Why did he call you Ben?”

He brought another finger up and pinched your nipple, twisting it slightly. You whined beneath him, pressing your legs together. Your entire body was burning with desire, threatening to eat you alive.

“Ben was who I used to be- weak. Stupid. A coward.” He let out a long breath, twisting harder and bringing up his other hand to grip your waist. “Ben Solo is dead.”

With that he dipped his head and lips grazed against yours, hands wrapping around your waist and lifting you up and into him. You kissed him hard, steadily, allowing yourself to melt into his touch, his warmth.

Everything about him was intoxicating- his very presence, his touch, his mouth. Despite all of the objections whirling in your mind, nothing could stop you from being here. Kylo Ren was a drug- and your few careless encounters had you addicted.

Ren’s hands made quick work, reaching down to pull off your panties and threw them away too before turning you around and slamming you against his desk.

You winced as your head was pushed against the wood, his hand gripping the back of your neck- but his lips followed quickly after, kisses pressed to your back, his tongue circling the spots where his lips had been.

The material of his pants wasn’t doing much to hide his erection- you could feel it pressing against your ass as he held you in place with his pelvis.

Trying to shuffle against it, Ren reached and grabbed your arms, pulling them behind your back tightly. “Stay put _scholar_.”

But this was unfair- he was completely clothed! And not the one currently bent over the desk, naked and spread eagle.

So you tried to move again, wriggling in protest. He took both of your wrists into one hand and for a moment, you wondered if you had won- but then his hand came down with an astounding crack across your ass so hard it jiggled and you howled in pain.

“Now- Professor Zander is two doors down and these are _thin_ walls. You could hear the smile in his voice. “ _Quiet_.”

“Prick.”

Another slap to your ass- _screw him._ You cried out again.

A shuffle and he pressed harder against you, fingers stuffing something into your mouth that was soft and lacy- your panties.

“Quiet. Or I won’t touch you at all.” He hissed.

Slap.

Slap.

Slap.

You bit down on the material in your mouth, tears stinging in your eyes. There was almost a small part of you that longed for the stupid essays your breasts were currently pressed against, to be marking them.

“Good girl.”

A soft kiss pressed right on the sensitive spot where your shoulder and back met, right by your neck. You let out a hiss as his teeth sunk in, fingernails digging into your ass cheeks.

That was going to bruise.

He moved back from you, fingers rubbing were he just left his mark on you. “What do you want?”

You were practically whispering. “Fuck me.”

“Hm?”

“Fuck me!”  
Another crack against your ass. You yelped, drooling onto the table below you, panties still bunched in your mouth. “I’m unsure what you’re saying. _Manners_ , scholar.”

“Fuck me, please sir. _Please_.”

“Hm.”

A pause- and then the sound of zipping as he undid his pants, pulling out his dick. You felt your mouth go dry at the thought of it, of what it would feel like inside you. His fingers trailed up your thighs, right to your pussy and thumb went straight for your slit, dipping inside. You moaned loudly, not caring about whoever was next door.

“Soaking. Does nobody else fuck you scholar? Are you just so desperate for me?” He twisted a finger inside and pumped once. Twice. You felt yourself tighten around him and red hot anger blasted through you along with desire as he chuckled, noting it. Then he straightened up. “Answer me.”

You jerked forward as you felt him position himself behind you, quivering with delight as he pushed his erection right against your entrance- waiting for your reply.

“There’s nobody else.”

“Nobody else..?”

“Sir.”

“Good. I don’t share.”

He slammed into you with a long, solid stroke, pulling your arms back towards him with such force you felt they would pop right out their sockets. The material in the mouth silenced your shout, swallowing all other sounds you began to make as Ren moved, your bodies slapping together.

You could hardly think or breath, your body pressed against the wood beneath you as he moved harder, faster. Every inch of you was burning, screaming for _more, more, more._

Nothing in your life had ever felt like this. No moment had ever been so blissful yet so wild, had made you feel as if you were splitting open, every inch of your soul pouring out onto the table beneath you and yet, put together again. Whole.

He let go of your hands and they reached, grasping the table for something- sanity? dignity? Whatever you were trying to find, you gripped the table with an iron fist and hissed as his hands dug into your ass again.

Ren groaned, stilling for a moment as he slid backwards until he was nearly out of you and paused there.

“No, no-“

“Say please.”

“Please, please, please-“ You let out another broken moan as he slid in. And in. And in. Then when he had filled you completely, he pulled out again torturously slowly. Just as you were about to cry out, he moved and began slamming into you again at a quick pace.

“Filthy whore.” He reminded you of exactly what he thought of you and you clenched harder around him- you couldn't help it, despite his vile words. Because you were filthy and you were being a whore- god you would burn in hell for this, if it existed.

But only for him. 

Your release began barrelling down your spine faster than it ever had before in your life. Ren’s hands, pawing at your skin, his cock slamming into your pussy until you weren’t sure where you began and he ended, the two of you as one.

This is why you couldn’t turn away- why you hadn’t kicked him out at the party or stopped him that first time in his office. This right here, the pure ecstasy, the way he called your name, grabbed every inch of your skin. It made you feel something that couldn’t be put into words.

There had never been anyone like Ren- you doubted there ever would be again.

He grunted, talking in-between thrusts. “What- do- you want?”

“Cum- I, ah, Ren-“ You could barely talk over the bundle of panties in your mouth. 

“Say please.”

“ _Please, sir_.” You were on the verge of sobbing, drooling over the table as he dug his nails into you and picked up the pace even more.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck-_

Before he even had the chance to grant you the permission, you came with an almost scream, body going limp onto the table. Shuddering underneath his hands, body spasming in rolling waves of your orgasm, Ren pushed your back down so you were completely flat, splayed against the table underneath him.

He groaned your name in a way you wanted to replay over and over in your mind until it was ingrained there forever, stilling inside of you. You could feel him spill into you, the warmth travelling into your stomach as he waited there a few seconds.

The air around the two of you was electric, his deep pants mingling with your short, exhausted ones. You didn’t bother moving- your legs felt weak enough that you weren’t sure you could do so.

Eventually, after a minute or so, Ren walked back and slipped out of you. The loss of contact made you felt cold, embarrassed and you straightened up quickly, arms covering your chest as you scrambled for your clothes.

You were surprised that after you pulled your underwear on, Ren was standing there with your shirt in hand. You took it off him with a grateful nod and pulled it on, buttoning the top before finally lacing your boots back on.

He collected some things from his desk and you sat on the table near his door, collecting yourself. Your legs were weak, shaking like jelly- the walk home was going to be torturous. Only twenty minutes but still..

“Come on.” Ren brushed past you out into the hall and glanced around, before tilting his head. You followed, shrugging your jacket on and watched as he locked his office door behind him. Thank god the exit door was there- the two of you had never made conversation and a long walk to the carpark trying to make small talk was not what you wanted. What the hell would you even say? Thanks for making me orgasm, see you Tuesday?

Outside was colder than you expected and you reached into your bag for your scarf, standing at the edge of the building.

“Get a move on.”

You blinked, watching as Ren crossed over to a black car near the building.

Following without much thought, you walked behind him to said car and paused. “You’re giving me a ride?”

“I’m not that much of an asshole- it’s dark and you’re a little..unsteady.” You didn’t miss the smirk as he climbed into the car, _prick_ , and steeled yourself, climbing after him.

You looked around, admiring the interior. It was beautiful, in a way- clean, sleek. It almost looked brand new. Not surprising, given how much of a neat freak Ren seemed to be. His desk in the office was kind of insane. Every pencil lined to perfection in neat rows, papers stacked beside them. Sometimes when you sat in front of him you debated moving one of them, just to see if he would notice. 

He started the engine and glanced over at you, the two of you staring at each other in the cold silence before you realised he was waiting for where to go. You rattled off your address, grimacing as you realised you’d have to face your flatmates.

 _God, please let them be in bed._ You were in no mood to deal with anything tonight- a hot shower was all you wanted.

You watched the streets pass you by as Ren drove you home. You adored this town, always had. The streets were etched into your brain, scored deep. It had been the dream to run here since you were seventeen- realistically, you’d love anywhere that would take you to an entirely different coastline to your mother. But this town was special.

Glancing over at your professor, you wondered if he thought the same. From what he said about being Ben, about him being dead..perhaps he was running from something to. From himself, just as you were.

Perhaps the two of you had far more in common than you realised.

“When you say Ben Solo is dead..” You noticed him clench the steering wheel. “You killed him?”

A moment of silence, and then- “I killed him by becoming who I am now.”

You looked back towards the window. “I understand. Killing the past to move onto a better version of yourself.”

He didn’t say anything- but you could see him throwing glances your way.

“My mother she’s..something. Who I was then is not who I am now- I guess in that sense, that me is dead too.” You shrugged. “The past is the past.”

He drove the rest of the way home in silence, but you could see him relax a little. When he parked outside your apartment complex, his eyes had softened too- as if he felt..less judged? Understood? You weren’t sure.

“Thanks for the ride-“ You grabbed your things, pausing. “I’ll see you Tuesday, I guess.”

He reached and turned your head, fingers gently grasping your skin. “You need to come early on Wednesday- three instead of four.”

“Why?” You frowned.

He chuckled, letting go of your face. “You think I’m letting you off with what you did without my permission? You did no work today and then that..double punishment.”

A strangled laugh worked its way out of you as you stared at him. “You cannot be serious.”

“Oh, I am.” He started the engine again, flashing you the smallest of smiles. “See you Tuesday _scholar_.”

Climbing out the car, he waited until you reached your doorway before speeding off and into the night. You watched him go, heart hammering against your ribcage.

You were in deep shit.

Deep, deep, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! <3


	9. POSSESIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jealousy is a sin....  
> (kylo pov)

The clock on the wall read 9:50am and Kylo Ren was already pissed off.

This idiot standing in front of him hadn’t stopped talking about his grade and how angry he was about it and why it was so unfair, how dare he be graded in such a way? Did Ren not know exactly who his family was, who his mother was? Her money meant a great deal to them all and if it disappeared..

Ren knew exactly who he was and couldn’t give a fuck- he wasn’t afraid to admit that the arrogant, stupid tone of the students work had lost him six marks alone never mind the other countless mistakes in there.

He had completely tuned him out by this point, allowing his words to roll right over his head. He was saying nothing worth listening to.

Outside, the sun tried and failed to break through the miserable cloud covering the city and rain had begun to smack against the windows. Winter was well and truly on its way- another month and the snow would arrive too.

Kylo preferred the snow- summer was too stifling unless you were near the sea but there was nothing enjoyable about beaches. Sand was a horrible thing.

“So?” The student looming above him stared down. “Will you change my grade?”

Kylo paused, as if he was considering it. Then- “No.”

He stormed off with a huff, slamming the classroom door behind him. There was no doubt that he would hear about that later from Zander, about how he shouldn’t upset such a student. But again- Ren really couldn’t give a fuck.

His eyes went down to the pile of essays in front of him, sorting through them quickly- all were marked and ready to be given out at this afternoons class. Another pile of essays lay to the left, but they were scholars.

Kylo had meant to do some actual work with her the other day in his office, but all thoughts had very slowly drifted out of his mind as he watched her chewing that pen, glaring up at him.

He was having a shitty week- and those few hours he would spend with her were a blissful distraction. Even if she was swearing at him.

Things had started to look up at last- yes she had acted like a complete brat in his class last week but after the party at the weekend, her response to him..Kylo was looking forward to Wednesday despite himself.

But then, Luke had shown face for the first time in years.

He had called him Ben.

The thought of it made Kylo shiver, pulling forward scholars essays and glancing over them again. He was teasing her about next week of course, he would actually try and get some work done- but he had thought about her cunt all week, filling it full of his seed and listening to her little moans. Perhaps he’d find a way to do both.

For once, it might be for the best if she was to mouth off.

She was definitely improving, something that pleased him to no end. The methods to get that improvement may be unorthodox, but they were working.

 _Have you fucked other students?  
_ Kylo wondered how long that question had played on her mind. It hadn’t angered him- it was fair enough. Logically, a professor doing this kind of thing would’ve usually done something like this before. But not him- this thing, her..it was spiralling out of his control faster than he liked. Her friend dating his, going to the same events, being in his class twice a week, tutoring.. he had started something with the scholar that he could not stop or escape from.

But..Kylo wasn’t sure he even wanted to.

_Ding!_

Drawing his attention back to the computer in front of him, he noticed a new pm. From Ushar, on his own work email.

_Holkins, tonight at 10. Don’t be late!_

Ren sighed, typing his quick reply. _No._

A few seconds and then- _I’ll buy you a beer._

_Still no._

_Come on- it’s for Vic. He’s having a rough week._

What had happened to Vicrul, Ren wasn’t sure- his life was an ever revolving door of melodrama. But he had stood by Ren since they were teenagers, through all the shit and college. All of the guys had but Vicrul had seen more than them, kept more secrets for him.

_I’ll come for a few hours._

_Thatta boy- see you tonight!_

Kylo let out a long sigh, head tilting back in his chair as the clock struck ten. It was going to be a long day.

Holkins was a student bar not far from the college, but not _the_ student bar- so it was preferable for postgraduates, professors, older students. Anyone who didn’t feel like going to the craze of the bars right in the city.

Ushar gently placed down the tray of beers in his hand down onto the table in front of us and then shot a grin towards the bar staff who were watching him with eagle eyes- likely wondering if he was going to spill them all.

He did no such thing and threw the tray behind the chairs with a flourish, collapsing into the booth beside Ap’lek, grinning at them all.

Kylo tried to hone back in on their conversation, already bored.

“She said she has to focus on school right now.” Vicrul was saying, sighing into his beer. “Blondes are my kryptonite.”

“Focus on school?” Trudgen snorted. “That is rough my friend.”

“Tell me about it.”

Ushar frowned, brown eyes sliding towards the two of them. “Hold on- isn’t this the one that dumped you because you slept with her roommate? The same night as you slept with her?”

Kylo snorted.

“Well yes-“ Vicrul’s eyebrows furrowed together.

“So, she probably took you back with the sole intention of dumping you. To get back at you, you realise?”

“Women.” He muttered.

“That’s two rejections in two weeks- drink up my friend.”

That was rough, especially for Vicrul. As far as Kylo could tell, he wasn’t particularly heinous. The thing with that girl had happened a few years ago, when he was much younger and stupid- he had matured somewhat since then. At least in the sense of treating women less like shit.

“Two?” Ushar mumbled then began to laugh, eyes darting towards Kylo and then back to Vicrul, who was now slouched in his chair. “Ohhh.”

Kuruk, who had been unusually quiet tonight, glanced around anxiously. “Oh come on, tell us! Who was the first? Another blonde?”

Ushar’s eyes shone with glee as he spoke. “Little scholar rejected him too.”

Kylo was listening now.

He could feel Vicrul stiffen beside him in what was most likely fear. But Kylo had never said outright what was going on between them and she was a free woman- he could ask her out if she so wished.

That she denied him..

“I took it back like, immediately.” Vicrul looked over at him. “I didn’t know you two were- well, whatever the hell is going on there.”  
Kylo just rolled his eyes and took another long sip of his drink. He was in no mood to discuss her, not with these idiots.

But as usual, his friends didn’t care and plowed on anyway.

“Yes, do tell us what exactly is going on Ren-“ Ap’lek smiled sweetly. _Prick_. “You’ve never fucked anyone more than once, rarely twice. Is she your girlfriend?”

“No.”  
Ushar raised an eyebrow at him. “So she’s single?”

Kylo gripped the glass in his hand. “I suppose so.”   
“She sure seems like it.” Vicrul huffed. Kylo stiffened, turning slowly to where he was staring. “She rejects me for you but climbs all over him!”

Slowly, his eyes slid towards the gap on the bar where he saw her across the smoky floor, face illuminated by the blue lighting.

Simultaneously, Kylo only felt two things coursing through his blood- sheer, blinding rage that felt like it took over his very soul- and lust. Hot, soothing lust that rushed over that rage and made him stay put in his seat.

The slinky dress his scholar was in clung to every curve of her body, shimmering under the neon lights of the bar and her hair hung down in loose curls. Her arm was currently around another girl, who Kylo thought he recognised from one of his classes, and she was laughing.

That smile- she had never smiled at him before until the other day. Even then, that was a smile over something she had done, not him. Some small, soft part of him wanted to be the cause of that glow, that joy.

But he was Kylo Ren. Her professor and complete mess of a person who could never give anybody that kind of happiness.

She would never understand why. That is why this thing between them would end in disaster- because he wouldn’t be able to give her what she needs.

Or so he thought- when she mentioned his old name in the car, he had worried for a moment she was going to ask questions he couldn’t, wouldn’t, give the answers to. Judge him.

But instead, she offered her own pain up- or at least a slice of it. Tried to show him she understood.

Scholar’s skirt was bordering on indecent and Kylo felt his skin crawl as he watched the guy next to her run a hand up her arm. Sandy blonde hair, pale skin- he didn’t recognise him.

“Is she still single?” Ushar muttered, causing one of the guys to snicker. Kylo ignored him and kept watching.

She didn’t seem too uncomfortable- but he could see the tightness of her mouth, the subtle step back and into her friend.

Kylo took a deep breath- this wasn’t the time or the place to be staking some claim over her. She could handle herself. She wasn’t his. Wasn’t anybo-

The guys hand skimmed down her bare back and she took another jerk back, trying to avoid him. Everything in Kylo’s mind went completely blank as he stood, pushing past Kuruk and starting towards the bar. One of the guys let out a swear but he ignored it, pushing past the crowds up to the bar.

Pure aggression pounded through him in time with the music- he tried to school it, tried to nurse that rage into something else.

He wasn’t doing a good job.

“Ren- hi-“ Scholar stumbled on her words, glancing up at him in shock.

“This your boyfriend?” He knew it wasn’t- and damn him, his anger was getting the best of him.

“No, I’m-“

“I don’t really care.” Kylo interrupted. “You know what no means, don’t you? At the grand age of..what are you? Nineteen?”

The girl next to scholar snorted, sipping her drink slowly.

“Twenty three.” He muttered quietly.

Kylo just folded his arms, glancing between the two of them. Scholar’s cheeks were burning red, her eyes filled with anger.

“When a girl is stepping back and into her friends, usually means not interested.”

“No, I know- we’re just-“

“Ren-“

“Like I said, I don’t really care. How about you just shut the fuck up and go somewhere else?”

“Ren.” Scholar hissed and watched her friend scuttle off towards the other end of the bar, shooting her a look before he went. She turned to face him. “What the hell is your problem?”

“i don’t have a problem.” He shrugged and looked over at her friend who was chuckling, sipping her drink.

“I think he just crapped himself.” She muttered. The girl turned, sizing Kylo up and he had to admit, hardly any of his students managed to look him in eye never mind that. “I’m Kiana. In your Tuesday and Friday class.”

Kylo nodded to them both before turning for the door. “Goodnight.”

Why he had done that, he wasn’t sure. She was in control of the situation, her friend was there- but something in the possessiveness of his hand, the way she had stepped back- it snapped the self control he had on himself immediately.

He needed to leave. Go home. Calm down.

Outside was its usual damp and cold. Ren pulled his jacket on and turned for home- but a pair of clacking heels behind him made him pause.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She snapped.

When he didn’t answer and started to walk on, he half expected her to go back inside. But that wasn’t scholar.

_Smack!_

Kylo let out an almighty growl as he felt something hit his head- her purse. He turned slowly and she was there, panting with rage as she watched him.  
 _10…9…8_

Kylo turned to leave- but she lunged forward and twisted his arm.

“No, hey- I’m serious.”

“Let go scholar.” He could feel himself teetering on the edge of his control.

_7…6…5_

“No.”

“ _Scholar_ -“

“No, seriously- what the fuck was that? He’s my..friend and you’re being an ass-“

Kylo ripped his arm from her grasp, picked up her purse from where it lay beneath him and started walking again.

“Give that back!”

She chased- but Kylo moved faster and kept a few strides ahead of her, listening to her heels clicking as they followed him.

Two streets down and she was still following, grunting something that sounded like _prick_. He stopped in front of an old slab building, climbing the steps towards it.

“You really hate me, hm?” He slipped the key in the door, holding her purse out. She climbed the stairs and snatched it off him, glaring.

“Yes.”

“Yet you followed me all the way home.”

“I did not!” She swung her purse at him again, but he caught it and wrapped his hand around her wrist, tugging her close to him. “You stole my purse. I didn’t have a choice.”

“You could’ve gotten it another day.”

“Well, I-I-“

He could smell her, being this close. Every intoxicating fume, her raspberry hair sweet and her clothes like coconut. It reminded him of being young, being on holiday with his parents- where his hate for the beach began.

Leaning down, Kylo leaned close to her ear, lips brushing there and he felt her tense. He didn’t say anything, just pressed a soft kiss there and stepped away, hand swinging the door open.

No words were exchanged between them- but Ren raised an eyebrow and with a sigh, she followed him inside the building.

His apartment was at the top of the building, the attic apartment. Perfect size for just him and something he had never let anybody see before, except for his friends of course- but even then, only Vicrul and Ushar had been inside for longer than a few hours.

Scholar was glancing around, eyes wide as she took in the hallway and followed him inside the apartment.

The fact he had brought her here..what the hell was he thinking? He was out of his mind. Turning soft. Weak. Vulnerable.

Inside was like his office- neat, compact, simple. Not many personal attachments over the place, no photos or memories. Only his diploma hung near the door and beside that, a picture Vicrul had took of the two of them and hung himself despite the objections.

He turned, feeling that anger from earlier begin to dissipate a little. Scholar stood awkwardly in front of him, eyes travelling all over the apartment as if she was memorising it. Anybody else, he might’ve been freaked but even with her eyes roaming everywhere, it didn’t scare him.

He stepped closer to her, slipping his jacket off and throwing it on the ottoman beside them.

“You were bad tonight.” He reached, tracing a line from her jaw to her lips and noted how she quivered. “Very bad.”

“How so?”

Kylo pushed her coat off her shoulders, hands lingering on the bare skin there, throwing it on top of his.

“Kneel.”

Her eyes widened- but they weren’t fearful. Nor rejecting. He could see the fury flare up inside of them before something else, desire perhaps, overtook that. Slowly, she bent and adjusted herself carefully beneath him.

He strolled around her in a circle, watching her. “You said there was nobody else..”

“There isn’t.”

“He was touching you in a way that wasn’t friendly scholar.”

“We..went out. Once.” She swallowed.

“Hm.” He came to a stop in front of her. “That dress..did you want the attention from him? From anyone?”

“No.”

“You’re sure about that?”

She looked up at him, pouting. “You’re a prick.”

He knelt down on one knee so he was mostly eye level with her. He could hear the hammering of her heart from here, it’s rhythm matching his. His hand slithered for her chin, tilting her up to face him.

“You’re going to wish you hadn’t said all those horrible things to me.”

“Bite me.” She hissed.

Kylo smiled.

“As you wish.”

He captured her lips with his own with a heavy bite, dragging her lip towards him. She jerked forward, hands bracing on his chest as his body caught her. Seconds later, she had yielded completely to him, mouth opening in permission and Kylo slipped in immediately, swallowing her moan.

Kylo Ren was all logic, head over heart, until she touched him, looked at him with those burning eyes- and then, he became something else. Someone else. The rest of the world just felt unimportant, as did his past which he banished to the far plains of his mind. The only thing that mattered was her.

He felt himself harden as he thought of exactly what he was going to do with her.

Keeping his lips pressed against hers, he rose and took her with him before shoving her hard into the wall behind them. She blinked in shock but before she could throw another insult at him, he was already there, mouth on hers.

Something about her drove him insane. It had from the moment she had walked into his classroom, with her sharp retorts and rolling eyes. She had an attitude and he thought about fixing it, daily. Imagined fucking her until she couldn’t speak, eyes rolling back into her head. Kylo assumed once he had done so, he’d be satisfied. Over it.

But if anything, his desire for her only burned brighter. He could barely focus on anything else except when their next meeting would be, when she was to be in his class again.

He hated it. How effortless it had been for her to do this to him, to make him feel so weak again.

Pulling away, he turned and tugged her behind him towards the bedroom in the back. He could feel the nerves vibrating off her from here and when they reached the room, he gently pushed her towards the bed. Gave her a moment to change her mind- but she didn’t move. Just kept her gaze steady on his.

Thank fucking god.

“Strip.”

She raised an eyebrow in challenge. “Seriously?”

“Do I look like I’m kidding?”

Sighing, she quickly pulled off her clothes- not that there was much to pull off. Her dress and shoes, underneath which she was only wearing panties. No bra. The sight of her breasts, nipples peaked, sent another shockwave of desire rolling through him.

He walked forward, sending her stumbling back towards the bed and as she hit it, her knees folded. Reaching down, Kylo lifted and threw her back slightly. She adjusted herself onto her arms, looking up at him.

His own personal feast.

He smirked, crawling down onto the bed after her and leaned near her thigh, finger running along the hem of her underwear. Like a cat, taunting the little mouse. She wriggled, moaning at him to _just get inside her._

Leaning upwards, he raised his palm and smacked her breasts. Hard.

“Hey!”

“Stop being so-“ Kylo reached up and pinched her nipple hard for emphasis, “rude.”

She whined again, hips jerking towards him and he moved back towards her cunt, fingers strokingthe soft spot on her thighs- close, but not quite there. He smiled in satisfaction at the wetness growing around the edge of her thighs.

“How wet you are scholar..” He ran a single finger over her slit, still covered by her pretty black panties and she moaned in reply. “Even when you supposedly hate me.”

No reply- just the jerking of her hips again towards him. Kylo just let out a low laugh- he hadn’t expected a reply and logically, he knew she couldn’t hate him. Not if she was here, not if she followed him inside but.. a smaller part of him wished she would deny it.

“Please.” She ground out eventually, looking up at him.

“Hm. Maybe you are learning.”

Since she asked so nicely, he reached and pulled the string of her panties down until they came off, yanking them over her knees and feet. She didn’t even hesitate to spread open for him, cunt throbbing in anticipation. Kylo just admired it for a second.

“Prick.” She hissed and he smiled, smacking her cunt in response. “Ow!”

“Since we’re alone-“ He sat himself up to face her better. “ _Properly_ alone, I want to hear you. Understand?”

She nodded once and finally, he reached and touched the bundle of sensitive nerves. She moaned, hand shooting to cover her mouth but Kylo just rubbed harder.

“Scholar.” He warned. She let out a moan in reply, chest rising rapidly with the speed of his hand.

Kylo hissed as he slid a finger inside her- _so fucking tight_ \- and raised his thumb to touch her clit again, spitting at it.

She moved her hips, riding his hand and he could’ve sworn at the sight of it. So fucking beautiful- and…his.

_There’s nobody else._

Her words replayed in his mind, over and over like a melody as he stroked her.

“I’m-“ She gasped. “Please.”

Kylo kept going, waiting until he felt her cunt clench in anticipation, ready to cum- and slipped out of her, sitting up on the bed.

She wailed. “You prick!”

He just smiled, pulling the belt out of his jeans and reached for her, yanking her up into a sitting position and pulled her wrists forward.   
“Now scholar. Play nice.”

“Fuck you.” She hissed and spit at him. Kylo wiped it off his cheek and tied the belt quickly around her wrists, tightening them so she couldn’t move an inch.

“If that’s how you want to play scholar, we can play rough.”

He threw her back and unbuckled his pants, hovering above her. She whined in anticipation, that whine growing louder as he slipped a finger back inside her and pumped steadily. She moved her hips, hands sitting above her head in their tie.

Kylo leaned down and bit the inside of her thigh, hard enough to bruise- she swore and he felt her clench again, orgasm building quickly after her last ruined one- a few seconds later, Kylo pulled his hand away again.

“Ren!”

But he couldn’t give a fuck. If she was going to mouth off, she’d learn the consequences. Kylo yanked his pants off completely and looked down at her. She was glaring at him, but legs were still wide open- waiting. Hoping.

He smirked, the sight of it almost completely unraveling him, and leaned down nudging against her entrance. “You want this?”

She nodded, eyes wide in desperation. “Please.”

“Please..?”

“Sir. _Please_.” She gasped as he moved forward and lifted her legs even higher, stretching right up until they almost sat on his shoulders.

Kylo grasped her ankles, looking down at her. “You’ve been so bad.. I don’t know if I should.”

Something about leaving her here, tied to his bed and naked gave him an utmost amount of satisfaction- to hear her growl his name in anger.

But he wanted to feel her more, his own need screaming at him.

Kylo shifted slightly and slipped inside of her, inch after inch, watching her until she was settled right up to his navel, eyes rolled back in her head.

“Feel how easy it was for me to get inside you scholar? How wet you were?” Kylo adjusted himself for emphasis, pushing deeper. “Disgusting.”

Scholar let out a long breath, eyes meeting his in their lulled sex haze. “Fuck me. _Please_ , sir.”

Well who was he to decline that? Kylo moved, hips jerking up to slam into her as her tied hands came up, fingers trying to grasp his shirt.

“Fuu-uh-uck.” She gasped between pounds, rocking onto him.

Kylo sat up onto his knees and reached, pinching her nipples. Her mouth dropped open. “You don’t even- deserve this.”

She clenched around him in reply and he hissed. Fuck, she felt so good. So, so fucking good. He wanted to pull out, to ruin her oncoming orgasm again as punishment.  
  
But he wasn’t sure he’d be able to. He grasped her ankles and yanked them over his shoulders, allowing him to move deeper inside her. He’d ruined two orgasms already.   
  
“So desperate.” He murmured and let go of one of her legs, reaching forward without stopping his punishing pace to grasp her neck in a tight hold, his cock slamming right against the top of her pussy.   
  
Her moan was so loud it borderline pornographic. Kylo clasped her neck and pulled her head up to look at him. She was close- he could feel her throbbing.   
  
She knew he knew and her mouth opened, beginning to beg him. “I’m- _fuck_ \- I’m sorry. Please, sir. Please let me cum.”   
  
He debated saying no- but how could he? She was staring right through his soul, eyes glued to his, breasts bouncing in time with his thrusts. It was far too beautiful a sight to ruin. Besides, he wanted to watch her twitch.  
  
He nodded. “Cum.”  
  
Cum she did- louder than she ever had before, letting out loud shouts and gasps, shuddering beneath him. She cried out, tears of relief streaming down her cheeks and Kylo felt his pace falter, becoming completely undone as she moaned his name softly, riding out her orgasm.  
  
He slammed balls deep into her, filling her with his seed. She continued to twitch, eyes closed. Kylo took a moment himself, shifting her legs off his shoulders and gently placing them onto the sheets below them, still sitting between her legs.   
  
After he caught his breath, he moved out of her and walked towards the ensuite bathroom, throwing the rest of his clothes off, throwing on his boxers and a shirt as well as giving himself a quick clean up.   
  
Leaving the bathroom, he could see the scholar sitting awkwardly on his bed, hands covering her body as she glanced towards her dress. She moved for it, but Kylo moved first and without much thought, handed her the shirt in his hand.  
  
She frowned, eyes meeting his as she looked up at him. A few moments of silence later, she sighed and put it on, buttoning it and covering her chest. She reached for her underwear and pulled her panties on too.  
  
“What is this?” She asked him, sitting at the foot of the bed. Kylo had sat down against the headboard and closed his eyes, heart still hammering in his chest.  
  
“A shirt.”  
  
He could feel her roll her eyes from here. “Ren, I’m serious. Us. This..thing. What is it?”  
  
It would be a lie to say he hadn’t asked himself that. His friends had a point- what was he doing? Why _did_ he keep coming back to her?  
  
He answered as truthfully as he could. “I don’t know.” Kylo opened his eyes and watched her sigh.   
  
“If this is some ‘get it out your system’ thing, I can’t do it. You need to tell me.”  
  
He highly doubted she would walk away so easily- he hadn’t been able to. But despite his internal objections, every area of his mind screaming at him to keep quiet, to not show her any side of him except the one he had kept up since they met- but he didn’t want her to think these things.   
  
“It’s not like that.”  
  
“What is it like then?”  
  
“Scholar, I-“ He sighed. “I don’t know.”  
  
She turned, heading over to her pile of clothes and began to gather them in her arms.   
  
Kylo couldn’t think of a thing to say, except- “Stay.”  
  
“What?” She paused.   
  
“Just..” He shuffled to the left a little, making room. “Stay. I don’t know what this is, why..” _Why I can’t let you go._ “Just stay- tonight. Now.”  
  
He wondered for a minute if she would just walk right out the door, clothes in hand and tell him to get fucked. He wouldn’t blame her, not really.   
  
But she surprised him, as she always did, and dropped her clothes, walking towards him on the bed.   
  
She surprised him often- that first time in his office when she hadn’t pulled away. Then again in the bathroom. Before any of this started- challenging him in his class, speaking out, speaking up with her endless opinions that drove him insane.  
  
Her body was soft against him in the bed as she pulled the covers down and over her body. Kylo could’ve laughed at her huffing face, arms folded. He reached and turned the lights off, climbing in after her.  
  
In the safety of the dark, he didn’t have to watch her face as he slipped a hand over her stomach and pulled her closer to him. She didn’t resist- for a few moments, she was a little stiff, but eventually relaxed into him, winding her arms around his and after another minute or so, he felt her hesitantly clasp his hand with her own.  
  
“I’m not using you scholar.” Kylo whispered.  
  
He was asleep before her reply came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this probably sucked but i rlly wanted to write in his POV soooo.....sorry lol   
> i hope u enjoyed yesterday! i'll actually aim for some plot for the next few chapters rather than just porn


	10. QUESTIONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> is this plot?

Sunlight streamed through the window in broken rays, warming the entire room around you. You shuffled around, getting comfortable and sighed in content.

Your arm shuffled left and you realised you were alone- Ren had disappeared somewhere. No note, not warning.

You weren’t exactly surprised.

He had snored half the night, gently but enough to wake you up. You had watched him as the sun had begun to rise, his arm still tight around your middle. It was the most relaxed you’d ever seen him- the youngest too. You saw his eyes moving beneath the lids quickly, as if he was having a bad dream.

What haunted Kylo Ren, you wondered? Ben Solo? Whoever _that_ was..

Eventually falling back asleep, you hadn’t woken until now. You hadn’t even felt him leave, despite the fact you were a light sleeper.

Thumping filled the apartment and you jumped, sitting up to face the door. Someone was obviously at the front door.

“Ren! You not up yet?”

You felt your throat tighten- you wanted to disappear right under the covers and just die of embarrassment. His friends were here and thundering towards the bedroom, shouting things between them.

You collapsed back onto the bed and threw your arm over your head.

“Where the hell is he-“

The door swung open, revealing Ushar, Vicrul and Ap’lek standing there with shit eating grins on their faces as they took you in.

“Well, well, well-“ Ushar eyes trailed along the ground, over the piles of clothes that had been discarded all over the place. Just yours of course- Ren had obviously cleared up after himself.

“We didn’t think you’d still be here- if you were here at all.” Vicrul rubbed the back of his head, a little sheepishly. “Where’s Ren?”

You pulled the covers over your chest- you were still wearing Ren’s shirt, so you were covered. But you felt exposed under their eyes, all of them watching you. “I don’t know.”

“He always kicks them out by now..” Ap’lek raised an eyebrow in your direction.

“Ok, can you guys get out? Let me get dressed?”

They raised their hands in defence and backed out of the room, pulling the door closed behind them.

Throwing your head into your hands, you rubbed your eyes- screw Ren. Screw any scrap of feelings you had felt last night as he pulled you close to him. He just left you here? _Prick_.

You kept the shirt on and pulled your dress on underneath it, cringing at the short material. You would need to call a cab. Or even-

You reached for your purse which was strung on a chair near the bed and rummaged inside for your phone, pulling it out and dialling quickly.

It only rang twice before- “Hello?”

“Oh my sweet, sweet angel. If you love me-“

“Need a ride?” Kiana’s breathy chuckle came down the line.

You smiled. “Yes please.”

“Alright. Give me the address and I’ll be outside in ten minutes.” You could hear her grabbing her keys. Thank god. You quickly rattled it off and hung up, thanking her again.

Dusting yourself off in the mirror, you rubbed the eyeliner off from underneath your eyes. Fucking Ren- not only had he left you here, he’d left the side of your neck in a bit of a mess as well as if you were a pair of horny teenagers.

Prick.

You pulled your hair and coat over the marks, deciding to brave the sitting room.

“Not one word.” You warned as you stepped out in front of the three guys, aware you looked like complete shit.

They chuckled. “We’ll give you a ride home if you want.”

“No, it’s cool. My friends coming.” You stood a little awkwardly, balancing on the balls of your feet. “Have you spoken to Ren yet?”

“Can’t get a hold of him. I wouldn’t worry. He never sleeps long, he probably got bored of waiting for you.” Vicrul’s eyes twinkled. “Plus all the drool on your chin.”

Your hand shot up to your mouth, worried- but he was grinning.

“You going back to your apartment?” Ushar asked. You nodded. “When was the last time you spoke to Rey?”

“I’m surprised you don’t know.”

He rolled his eyes. “I’m staying out of it- none of my business. But I know she misses you.”

“Maybe if she-“ You stopped yourself. Her boyfriend was _not_ the person you should be ranting to about your issues. “We’ll work it out.”

“I hope so.”

A loud beep came from outside- Kiana.

“Come on, we’ll walk you down.” Vicrul offered you a hand as you wobbled, grabbing your shoes. His hand squeezed yours gently, eyes dipping slightly as he attempted to keep them on your face and not your legs.

You wondered for a second then, if he would’ve been the better choice than Ren. If perhaps you should’ve chosen him, asked him out instead of allowing him to walk away.

But you had made your choice and he had made his.

“What are you guys doing here anyway?” You asked them as you walked down the stairs, heels swinging in your hands.

“We were supposed to be painting Ren’s apartment in a few days but we got bored and wanted to come today instead. He didn’t know we were coming, to be fair.” Ushar explained.

“Like he said- we assumed even if you were here, he would’ve kicked you out by now. He never lets anybody stay in his apartment, not even-“

“Shut up.” Ap’lek muttered, nudging Vicrul in the ribs.

The three of you stumbled out into the blinding light of day and you squinted, smiling as the window of the car next to you all rolled open.

“Taxi for one!” Kiana called, her eyes darting to the three guys behind you. “I thought you only went home with one? Jesus.”

Vicrul snorted.

You felt your cheeks go red and climbed into the passenger side of the car, glaring at her as you tugged your seatbelt on.  
“Hey, do me a favour and tell your friend he’s an asshole for ditching her.”

“Kiana-“

“I think your friend needs to watch it, scholar.” Ap’lek stared at her in his usual, unflinching stare. He could be pretty terrifying when he wanted to be.

But she didn’t back down one inch. “Her friend is sitting right here.” Ap’lek blinked, as if he had expected something else- but had found a wolf in sheep’s clothing. “Please get the message along!” She added sweetly and hit the gas.

You waved goodbye out the back window as they watched you speed off and turned back to Kiana who was smiling.

“They’re hot.”

“Yep.”

“But assholes?”

You sighed. “Yep.”

By Tuesday afternoon you still hadn’t seen Ren. No word on where he had gone, no messages. Granted, he didn’t exactly have your number, but still- was there no way he could’ve explained his very sudden disappearance? He knew you were in the school. It wasn’t like he couldn’t find you if he didn’t look hard enough.

Again, you weren’t surprised he had left you there. He wasn’t exactly a very comforting kind of person, one who would stay and sleep with you into the morning. He had told you himself he didn’t know what this thing between you was- something that typically meant in guy language ‘I just want to fuck you, I don’t want to commit so this is my get away answer.’

But he had asked you to stay, had told you he wasn’t using you- and the look in his eyes had softened all the arguments and harsh words inside you. You had given in, allowed him to hold you through the night and now here you were- more confused than ever.

It was your own fault.

So, feeling sorry for yourself, you skipped Ren’s class that afternoon and sat in the campus coffee hut, drowning your sorrows in iced coffee and cinnamon buns. You were studying of course- but avoiding him nonetheless.

Things at home weren’t much better either, making your ‘poor me’ party even more sour. You hadn’t seen Rey or Finn all weekend- there was a note taped to the fridge saying they were going to their hometown for a few days and would be back Monday. You had stayed at Kiana’s again last night after one too many wines, hence why you still hadn’t seen them.

You knew it was going to have to get sorted soon, the tension between the three of you was unbearable. Fighting with your friends was completely foreign to you- this kind of fighting anyway. Small bickering was normal but, it had never been on such a scale before.

All thanks to Ren.

Kiana had been a good comfort last night however. You had moaned about Ren a fair amount and she had given some strong, but kind advice. She’d also asked about his friends more than once and you made a mental note to try and introduce her to them next time.

“Excuse me-“

You glanced up and flinched.

“Can I just grab some sugar from beside you?”

You knew him. The man from Ren’s classroom, his-

“You’re his uncle.“ The words slipped out before you could stop them and the man frozen, hand lingering over the sugar. He seemed to recover, pulled a packet out and took a step back.

“Kylo Ren, you mean?” He said the name with some struggle.

“i’m sorry-“

“No, don’t be. Do you know him?” His eyes searched you anxiously, for any scrap of information you might offer him.

“I uh..kind of.”

He pulled out the chair in front of you. “May I sit?” You nodded and he sat down, putting his cup down next to yours.

He didn’t really look like Ren- his hair was blonde and skin a little more tan. His eyes were also a startling blue. So different to Ren’s dark hue.

But they did share that same, distant look inside of their eyes. As if they knew something terrible, had seen it too. You often wondered if that’s where you would find Ren’s secrets, in those eyes of his. So many emotions pouring out of them all the time.

“I’m his friend.” You offered. So not true- but so much better than the truth. How else could you introduce yourself? Not an acquaintance, for god sakes you’d seen his dick. Lover was a truly strange word to use and girlfriend wasn’t right either.

“A friend of his willing to talk to me. You must know absolutely nothing about me.” His tone was soft- he spoke like Ren. Soft, but firm. “I’m Luke. Luke Skywalker.”

You held your hand out and gave him your name.

“He didn’t seem to happy to see you.”

“He isn’t. Kylo isn’t exactly part of the family much anymore and greets any of us with his usual anger and disdain.” Luke took a long sip of his coffee. “I came here with bad news, hoping he might.. I don’t know what I hoped. I was wrong.”

“Bad news?”  
His eyes grew sad. “His mom- she’s sick.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” You felt your stomach tighten. “He won’t go see her?”

“His mothers always been his soft spot, so I hoped he would but.. yes. He’s refusing.”

Jumping to conclusions was something you had always tried to avoid and given the fact Ren had given himself an entirely new name, you figured there was more to this story than it seemed. So you bit your tongue and instead, offered a sympathetic nod.

“I just wish someone could get through to him. His friends stay out of his business and refuse to speak to us, so we can’t use them. He never has girlfriends or anyone like that-“ He glanced up at you. “You’re pretty much my only hope at the moment kid.”

“Oh, no I can’t-“

“You don’t have to say much. Just say you ran into me, heard about his mom. See if he’ll listen to you.” He reached for something in his bag and pulled out a small card and pen, scribbling something on the back. Handing it to you, he glanced up- he looked so hopeful and god, you hated it. He was placing entirely too much faith in you considering you couldn’t get the damn guy to spend the night in the bed with you never mind talk to him about his past.

It had the name of the hospital on it, one which was at least four states over, and a number, presumably his.

“You don’t even have to contact me- it’s..just in case.” He fumbled with his things, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “I have to go but thank you. Anything you can do would be appreciated.”

“I’ll..do my best.” You gave him a closed lip smile. He nodded goodbye and strode for the door, disappearing into the crowds of students outside.

Could you go anywhere these days without some peace and quiet?

Despite missing his class the day before, you decided to go to Ren’s tutoring the next day anyway. He hadn’t said not to and besides, you needed to try and approach this thing with his uncle.

You had an entire plan in your head of what you would say, how you would say it. Try and keep him calm, try and keep yourself calm.

You should’ve known it wouldn’t work out that way.

Ren was waiting for you as you arrived that afternoon, eyebrows raised as you stepped into his office.

He looked good. He always looked good, but you liked his shirt today- a dark grey, resting neatly around his biceps. You felt something in your stomach shift as you thought of Friday, of him throwing you down onto the bed beneath him.

“Where were you yesterday?” He wasn’t in a good mood then, given his demanding tone. You could’ve slapped him- he really wanted to get shitty with you considering he ditched you and hadn’t spoken to you since.

“Sick.” You lied and collapsed into the chair in front of him. He narrowed his eyes at you.

“You don’t seem too sick today.”

“Twenty four hour bug.”

“Hm.”

“Hm.”

You could see his hand twitch.

“Where did you go on Saturday?” It was your turn for questions.

“I had..an emergency.”

“Right. Gotcha.” Asshole. Such an asshole. He couldn’t take two seconds to wake you? He was lying. “Your friends or something?”

“Not that it’s any of your business-“

You scoffed. “Not my business? You left me there and your friends rocked up in the morning as my morning alarm. So, for future reference- grow some balls and tell the girl to get out.”

“Did it upset you scholar? That I left?”

You gritted your teeth. “No.”

“Hm.” He leaned back in his chair. “You seem rather upset.”

“i’m not upset- I’d just prefer a warning before you disappear in the morning and proceed to avoid me.”

Lies, all lies. You _were_ upset. You could fool yourself all day long about how you expected this from him, but you wished he had stayed. You wished you could’ve woken up to his face next to yours and perhaps even gotten some answers from him, real answers- he’d looked so calm, so peaceful in his sleep you had allowed yourself to hope.

“I haven’t avoided you. If anything, it’s the other way around.” He levelled his stare to yours.

“I was _sick_.”

“So you said.”

“You don’t believe me?”

“I think you got in your feelings about the fact I had to leave and hid away from me like a coward. Or a child.”

And because you were annoyed, because you were hurt, you decided to throw your entire plan out the window. “I saw your uncle. Had a nice chat.”

Ren froze, arms falling away from their folded position. He kept his face very still- but his eyes swirled with a hundred questions, emotions.

Good. Fuck him.

He looked like he was struggling to talk. “When?”

“Yesterday.”

“He approached you? Where?”

“He..recognised me.” You lied. “In the campus coffee shop.”

Ren rolled his eyes, muttering to himself you assumed. “What the hell is he still doing here?”

“Probably waiting around, hoping you’ll change your mind about your mom.” You replied without much thought.

“What did you say?” He growled.

Oh fuck. Could you backpedal? Probably not. _Shit shit shit._

“Your mom… she’s sick, right?”

“It is _nothing_ to do with you. He had no right-“

“I get it, I’m just saying, I-“ 

He slammed a hand against the desk. “No. Scholar, _enough_. He had no business telling you details of my life.”

“Well someone has to.”

He just glared at you.

You shifted up in your chair. “He seemed really upset Kylo, maybe you should listen-“

“Get. Out.”

“What?”

“Get out of my office this fucking second.” He snarled and when he realised you were pausing, he slammed a hand down on his desk. Hard. “Get out!”

You grabbed your things, hurtling yourself out of his office without a second glance back and down the halls.

You had really fucked up this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for returning!  
> I have like 10 chapters ready to go lol, I've had so much free time lately and a lot of motivation which I know will ultimately drop so I'm trying to create a good buildup now....
> 
> Anyyyyyway, enjoy guys! Let me know your thoughts, I love hearing them.
> 
> x


	11. NUCLEAR pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> family drama, isn't it fun?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE read the note at the end.  
> TW : for shitty shitty parents. If that kind of thing upsets you, you may not want to read.

One thing that would never let you down was rum. That was the only current assurance in your life.

You allowed another drink to slip down your throat slowly, feeling the burn of it trickle right down into your lungs.

Perhaps it would burn all of your sins away.

You weren’t quite sure why you were allowing yourself to get this drunk- you hoped the answer was going to be at the bottom of your first glass. When it hadn’t, you ordered another. And another.

The earth rocked steadily beneath you, but you didn’t give a shit. Nothing mattered except that burn in your throat. Your eyes rocked back into your head as it throbbed and you half debated ordering some water.

When had you last eaten? Last night?

You had gotten here late afternoon and had just kept drinking since. Nobody had called you to see where you were.

Nobody cared.

Sitting at the bar, you glanced around and realised you hadn’t been drunk like this for a while. Not since before Halloween and that was..weeks ago now.

But you hadn’t the time to be- Ren had overloaded you on work, to the point could do nothing but study especially alongside your other coursework. Besides, you had found something besides alcohol that could dull the numb pain of being in college and having no idea what you were doing with your life.

But that was definitely gone too.

Ren was never going to be honest with you, or open. He was never going to let you in, so why waste anymore time? Considering your latest fight with him, it seemed unlikely you’d be going back to him anyway.

Fuck him anyway.

Fuck everyone.

There was no hiding your hangover that Friday afternoon.

It hadn’t mattered that you had taken a forty minute shower that morning, nor that you had washed your hair and dried it. It didn’t matter that you had on clean clothes and had washed every inch of your skin.

Alcohol was practically coming out of your pours.

You slumped in the chair, hood pulled over your head and just watched the screen at the front of the class. Luckily, Ren was still in a shitty mood- he hadn’t seemed to notice you come in and even if he had, he didn’t look anyway.

You groaned softly, pinching the bridge of your nose as a noise came to your right- Kiana winced as she sat next to you and rubbed her temples.

“I feel like shit, I think I have a cold or something.”

“Preaching to the choir.”

“Did you go drinking last night? Alone?” She frowned as she took in your state- your eyes looked sunken, you knew that. Kiana wasn’t usually one for judging and for a second, you felt yourself get defensive- but she just seemed worried.

“I just..had a bad day. I’m good now.”  
You had confessed to her one night that you had become a bit of a party girl over the years. You hated the term, but it seemed the best way to describe it without going into detail about how horrible it truly was. How alone you felt, how you needed to feel that void with alcohol and fun. To feel something. Anything.

So she knew that you hadn’t been drinking drinking in a while. Hence, she knew something was wrong.

“You should’ve called me.”

“It’s fine Kiana, really. Look- today will be better. I’m manifesting it.” You made a show of waving your hands and smiling at her to sell it. It seemed to relax her a little.

Ren began the lesson and you sat back in your chair, letting his voice lull you into a daydream as he spoke of poetry.

About thirty minutes into the lesson, his desk phone rang and he answered, eyebrows furrowing as he listened to the hurried voice on the end of the line.

You weren’t really paying attention to him, but instead on the doodle in front of you that you had drawn. A spiralling flower, curling leafs around its vines.

Until he called your name.

Looking up, your professor was hanging up the phone and stepping away from his desk. His entire demeanour was stiff.

“Step outside for a second, would you?”

Oh fuck. What had you done now?

A million ideas ran through your mind and snagged on one- had someone found out about the two of you and he was about to give you a warning?

No. They wouldn’t phone him about that, not during a class. Besides, how would anybody know? You knew no matter how bad things got with your friends they would never tell on you, nor would Kiana or his friends. You’d followed him out the bar that night, but Holkins was quiet enough and he left with enough space the two of you it could’ve been a coincidence. It had to be fine. Ren couldn’t get fired, not because of you, not even with how awful he is-

Following him out the classroom, you stood away from him. Tried your best not to look as awful as you felt on the inside.

“You need to get down to St. Clements.”

Not what you expected. “Uh- I - sorry?”

“Your father- he was on a business trip, near the area. I’m not sure of the details, but he’s had an heart attack and he’s in St. Clements-“

Every single word after that went out of your mind.

_Heart attack._

The message on the machine. He had mentioned he was coming, that he wanted to see you. You had completely forgotten, thought you would get back to it the next day and now he was in hospital.

You had forgotten him. 

“Is he-“

“They didn’t tell me much. It’s only a forty minute drive from the city-“ He paused. “I-“

“No.” You didn’t want to hear any more. You needed to go. “I need Kiana to be excused, she needs to drive me.”

He nodded and stepped back inside to get her.

Your heart was beating at a million miles an hour, drowning out every other sound around you. How could you have forgotten about him, about the fact he was all the way over here? God you were a bad kid. You could add this to your recent list of failures.

Kiana appeared and grabbed your hand, immediately pulling you towards the exit doors. You thought you might’ve heard Ren call your name behind you- but you kept going, towards the car park.

Towards your father.

Hospitals were never your favourite place. They just reminded you of death.

The entire place lacked any kind of personality- it was just a small building, clearly a little run down. The thought of your mother appearing here almost made you laugh. She would have a fit.

The walls were peeling and slate grey- just like the rest of this place. The only thing that was colourful was the different scrubs worn by the doctors and even those seemed faded. As if the life had been sucked out of everything here.

Kiana had dropped you off three hours ago and despite her objections, you had sent her away. You’d find your own way home and besides, you could think of nothing worse than her meeting your mother who was apparently flying over as you spoke.

It wouldn’t be long until she was here. You had glanced up at the clock every few minutes, wondering when exactly she would appear through the door and begin to tear you apart.

There had been no news about your father either- he had collapsed during a meeting and was rushed here immediately. Likely a clogged artery, which they could fix with a fair amount of ease.

Your father was healthy. He loved to run. A clogged artery just seemed.. bizarre. You couldn’t help but wonder if it was from stress instead.

The light above you was far too bright, making your head pound as you stared down at your shoes. You had nothing with you except for your phone- in your rush, you had left behind your bag and coat in Ren’s class.

Stretching your legs out, you could hear the clacking of a pair of little heels, a pitched voice screeching at some poor nurse.

And in five..four..three..

_“Where is he?”_

Ah finally. Your real headache had arrived.

“Mom.” You called and she turned on her heel, glaring at you. That glare didn’t soften, not even as she recognised who was calling her and whirled towards you.

“This place is hideous. You let them take him _here_?”

“I didn’t have much of a choice-“

She wasn’t even listening. “Excuse me!”

You watched as she fled after some random doctor, grasping his arm. Her fingers wrapped tightly around his coat and you were reminded of the time when you were nine and she had grabbed you like that, right around your wrist.

You weren’t doing anything wrong, not really- you had gone into the cupboard beside the fridge, climbing onto the stool to reach into it and gotten yourself a snack after school.

When she spotted you, she binned the snack in front of you and informed you she’d noticed the weight you’d put on recently- she wouldn’t have a fat child. She’d rather have no child. With that, she pulled you off the counter and you hit the floor with a thud.

The bruises hadn’t left your wrist for two days.

“I don’t wish to answer your idiotic questions, I wish to know where my husband is.” Her voice broke through your memory and you sighed, trailing over to her side.

“He’s still receiving treatment m’am.” God, even the poor doctor seemed terrified of her- would you ever meet somebody who wasn’t?

“I want to see him! I want him moved to a better hospital.”

The doctor swallowed. “It wasn’t a severe heart attack, we’re more than capable-“

“Oh, just go away.” She waved him off with a brush of her hand, turning towards you. She’d often used that same line and gesture with you.

You took her in as she turned- she was dressed neatly, of course. Her clothes pressed and pristine, as they always were. You expected no less.

“Let’s just sit down- he’ll be out soon, I’m sure.” You walked over to the seats you had previously been in and sat down.

She tsk’d as she sat beside you, slapping your knee and forcing you to cross it over your other leg. The appropriate way to sit apparently.

“Your father mentioned he hadn’t heard from you.” She clutched her purse to her stomach.

_Here we go.._

“I forgot to return his message was all-“

“Too busy for him?” She sniffed. “I mean, I know you try to only come home once a year but seriously, avoiding your father when he’s in the same state-“

“I wasn’t avoiding him, I’ve been really busy.”

“Yes, you certainly seem it. Busy drinking.” She shook her head. “I’ve never understood why he paid for you to come here and waste your life away with this degree. I mean what are you even doing next? You don’t know, do you?”

You sighed. “Mom, give it a rest.”

“Do not speak to me like that-“

You tilted your head back as she began her usual rant. It was going to be a long evening.

The doctor finally appeared an hour later with all his forms and files, eagerly approaching the two of you. Your mother had finally shut up twenty minutes ago, but you’d tuned her out long before that.

The two of you stood as he approached.

“Ok, it’s mostly good news.” He seemed relieved to say that. Not only just because of his job, you imagined, but the fact that he wouldn’t have to deal with your mothers panic any more. “There wasn’t a lot of damage, he’s going to be fine. I’d like to keep him for observation and to stay on the blood thinning medication we have him on but all in all, he’s just fine.”

“So, he can come home when?”

“In a day or so, granted all is well.”

“Fine, fine.” Your mother frowned. “When can we see him?”

“Now, if you wish.”

Your mother nodded and you followed the two of them down the hall, towards a small room right in the corner. The doctor led you inside.

It wasn’t much different to the corridors of the hospital- just as grey and lifeless. But at least there was a TV, playing a brightly coloured musical and there was a bouquet of flowers in the window. That was enough.

Your father seemed relatively okay. A little pale, his eyes glazed over with the drugs he was currently on but alive. Safe.

You felt a ten tonne weight come off your shoulders as his chest inhaled and exhaled.

Your father had been everything your mother was not- kind, loving, compassionate. He wanted you to read, to learn. To go and do anything you truly wished. But unfortunately, some part of him was scared of her too.

He hid his thoughts and agreed with you in the dark, allowing you to bear the brunt of your mothers cruel words and opinions alone. He was a coward, in that sense.

But you were glad he was alive and breathing. That he hadn’t left you alone, like you wondered if he would when you were a child and you would listen to your mother berate him. But he always stayed despite her cruel words.

In that sense, he was the bravest man you knew. Even if it was from fear.

He blinked, taking the two of you in and as he noticed you, he even smiled a little. “Hi girls.”

“You gave us a fright!” Your mother walked up to him and moved the pillow behind his head, allowing him to sit up a little. “How do you feel?”

“I feel fine.” He mumbled, allowing her to fuss. “Right, doc?”

“Absolutely fine. Just take it easy, okay?” He played with the forms in his hands. “I uh, really need these forms signed. Insurance numbers, all that..”

Your mother huffed. “Well-“

“Why don’t you go do it and sort yourself somewhere to stay for the night whilst you’re at it, hm? We’ll be here when you get back.” Your father was quick to jump in, his sentences a little breathless.

Your mother just nodded after a moment of hesitation and followed the doctor back out the room, her heels clacking all the way.

Turning back to your father, you sat on the bed beside his leg and reached, grasping his hand with your own. You hadn’t seen him for over seven months and every time you did, he just seemed so much older. Time was slipping away from you, faster and faster.

The grey of his hair seemed more prominent but perhaps it was the brutal lighting of his bedside lamp or maybe just because everything in here was so colourless, he seemed it too.

“You’re definitely okay?”

“I’m fine kiddo. A little sore, but it wasn’t a big stroke. I’ll be outta here by Sunday.” He squeezed your hand with as much strength as he could manage. “How come I didn’t hear from you?”

It took everything within you to hold the tears desperately trying to break out of your eyes. “I’m so sorry, I was just so busy and.. there’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

He gave you a lopsided smile. “Don’t be. I just miss you is all.”

“I know.” You sighed.

“Your mother been giving you much hassle?”

“Only the usual.”

“Hm.” He shook his head. “Just ignore it. Keep doing you, kid.”

You wanted to scream at him, to ask if perhaps for just once you shouldn’t ignore it. If the two of you should tell her enough and stand up to her. Stop the madness once and for all.

But you couldn’t. This is how things were. How they’d always been. If your father wanted to leave, he would have to do it himself- you weren’t responsible for changing his mind.

“I, uh, here-“ You pulled out your phone. “I have some pictures, if you want to see them. Halloween and our friends cat..”

The two of you drifted off into pleasant conversation. For a moment you forgot about all the panic and stress of the day- it was just the two of you enjoying each others company without the worry that was the she monster.

It didn’t last long.

“Forms are done, my hotel is just down the road. I have to go and get checked in-“ Your mother came back in with a hefty bag she hadn’t been holding before- she’d likely dumped it on some poor unsuspecting soul. “We should give you some rest. Come on.”

That was your signal to leave then. You turned and kissed your fathers cheek. “I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get out here again-“

“I’m sure you can try.” Your mother snapped.

You sighed, holding in every nasty thought flying her way and nodded. “I will try. I will call you if I can’t, but please call me anyway if anything changes.”

“I will. Goodnight kid.”

Your mother’s coat flew behind her as she walked in front of you into the lobby and turned sharply as you got to the waiting area.

“You _will_ find a lift out here.”

“I’ll try, but-“

“He is your father and he had a heart attack-!”  
“I’m well aware of that and I’ll do my best, but it’s a forty minute drive out the city. I can’t afford that cab. I’m sure one of my friends _will_ do it, I just wanted to warn him-“

“You just wanted to try and weasel your way out of having to come back here!” She shook her head. “This college has changed you. You were never cruel to your father before.”

Some small part of you knew that your mothers maternal love was so strong and had just gotten so mixed with her own fears and ambitions, it had morphed into something truly terrible wether she meant it to or not. You knew she was scared about your father and in turn, the easiest way for her to cope was to take it out on you, as she always had when things went wrong.

Her bitterness towards you was also partly due to her own insecurities and vanity- where she couldn’t leave the house without some kind of makeup or covering, you simply just didn’t care. Her teeth were crooked, yours were straight. She had been bulimic for a good portion of her life, caring about her weight, the way her body looked and for the most part you hadn’t.

These weren’t things to boast about, not for you- but you knew by the way she talked to you, it was why she was so angry. She was so terrified of you becoming her, she would restrict your food and makeup but simultaneously be bitter that you weren’t like her that she hated you for it.

Instead of trying to love you, she tried to destroy everything you loved.

“Mom, I’m really trying to be nice here. So please, just back off- I will do my best to come back and see him. If there’s any changes, let me know.” You tried to push past her towards the exit.

She hissed, grabbing your arm in the way that made you flinch. “Don’t you dare-“

“Everything alright?”

You froze, as did your mother.

Holy fucking hells.

Turning, you saw exactly the last person in the entire world that you expected to see standing there behind the two of you.

_Kylo Ren._

Holding.. what seemed to be all of your things and coat. He towered over the two of you, as he always did, and his eyes narrowed on the woman beside you. On her bony hand, grasping your wrist tightly.

Your mother very quickly let go of your arm and gave her best fake smile that she could. “All is fine.”  
“I wasn’t asking you.” His eyes slid over to meet yours. You could’ve kissed him right there for the spark of rage in your mothers eyes.

“I’m fine.” You managed to answer. Your tongue felt like sandpaper- what the hell was he even doing here?

“You know him?”

“Kylo Ren, my mother. Mom, Kylo Ren. My…friend.” That seemed to be your favourite way to describe him currently.

Neither of them moved to shake each others hands. Your mother just let out a curt nod and turned back to you.

“Be here tomorrow on Sunday. Or else.” She threw you one last warning glance before storming off for the exit, pushing past your professor and several poor nurses.

The two of you stood in silence for a few moments.

“I see where you get your attitude from.”

You glared up at him, but you couldn’t help the slight twitch of your mouth. Was he attempting to make a joke?

“What are you doing here?”

“You left your stuff.“ He held it out towards you. “I also spotted Kiana on campus an hour ago and I just figured.. you might need a ride home.”

You weren’t even going to pretend otherwise. “Yeah, I do.”

The two of you fell into step as you walked towards the parking lot. He’d really driven out here to give you this stuff? Granted, it had your homework and things in it that he probably didn’t want the responsibility of holding himself but he could’ve put it to the office. The fact he’d showed up with no idea if you’d be here or where you’d be..

Maybe he would get one less strike on the asshole board.

You were almost grateful for the smooth seats of his car, almost groaning as you slid down into them- five hours on a cold, plastic chair did nothing good for your ass.

He waited until he’d pulled out the parking lot before speaking again. “So. That’s your mother.”

“That’s my mother.”

“Is your father okay?”

You sat up slightly. “He’ll be fine- it wasn’t that bad. They just want to keep him in for a few nights, for observation.”

Silence, then- “Why was she grabbing you like that?”

“My mother and I don’t exactly get along.”

He frowned at you, his grip tightening on the steering wheel. “Scholar, she shouldn’t grab you like that.”

You were almost tempted to tell him it was a little like pot calling kettle black, but you bit your tongue instead.

“I know.” What else could you even say? Of course you she shouldn’t. You’ve know since you were a kid she shouldn’t do all the things she does and yet, she does them anyway.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke before he could. “For..just being so shitty in your office. About your uncle. It’s your business and.. you weren’t wrong. I was pissed off I was there in the bed and your friends walking in-“ You rubbed your eyes. “I’m sorry.”

He blinked a few times. He obviously hadn’t expected an apology.

More silence, then- “Your mother- what’s her problem?”

You laughed. “Where to begin?” The city lights disappeared as you got onto the interstate. You were the only car out here. “Let’s just say my mother wishes I were more like her and when I change to fit her mould, she changes her mind about exactly what she wants. She did that for eighteen years and eventually..I stopped trying. I left.”

“Your father says nothing?”

“No.”

“And what about you? You say nothing to him about it?”

“No.” You huffed a laugh again- but it was more bitter this time. “My mother deprived me of.. everything. Love, joy, safety. I clung to anything my father gave me in the hopes it would be enough. I figured if I was good enough, maybe one day he would realise we don’t need her and leave her behind. But he never has- half of me was relieved. The other half is just.. angry. All the time.”

Kylo’s fingers tightened even harder on the steering wheel and you glanced over at him- no betrayal of his emotions on that beautiful face. But you could tell he was annoyed.

“My father…he was like your mother. He wanted me to be like him and when I wasn’t what was expected, he decided I wasn’t what he wanted to deal with.”

Your mouth opened slightly but you didn’t speak- you were too afraid this was some dream where Ren was actually _talking_ to you about something for once and if you dared move, you’d go back to reality.

“How do you deal with it? The anger?” It felt like it consumed you every day of you life, just skimming beneath the surface.

Ren sighed, meeting your eyes. “I’m still working on it.”

Truthfully, the only time you didn’t feel so angry was when you were with him. You couldn’t help but wonder if he felt the same.

The atmosphere in the car was too tight, too painful. You cleared your throat. “I won’t bring it up again, ever. But if your mom is really sick..you’ll regret not going to see her at least once. No matter how much you want to pretend you wont.”

Ren said nothing. But you saw the slight nod he gave in acknowledgement- that would be enough for now.

When he eventually pulled up at your apartment thirty minutes later, he shuffled to face you. “Give me your phone.”

“What?”

He held out his hand and you slipped it towards him, finger unlocking it for him. He typed something in quickly then handed it back to you.

His number.

“I had an emergency scholar. Seriously.” He looked down at you. “I will leave a message next time.”

“Next time?”

He gave you a hard stare- but you could see the gleam in his eyes. “Next time. Now, when and what time do you want to go back to the hospital?”

“Huh?”

“I heard your mother and whilst I wouldn’t suggest bending to her command, I’m guessing you’ll want to see your father?” You nodded. “So when.”

“I- uh- Sunday, I guess. Afternoon.” You leaned away from him a little, gripping the door handle. “Why are you offering to take me? I could ask Kiana.”

“Just take the lift scholar, instead of being so damn difficult.” He huffed. “Now, go get some sleep- you look like crap.”

That was your dismissal then. You rolled your eyes and climbed out the car, slinging your bag over your shoulder.

But before you closed the door, you leaned down to look at him. “Ren, thank you- seriously.”

He just nodded. “See you Sunday.”

He sped off after you were inside, his car humming in the distance.

You climbed into bed, fingers curling around the shirt that you had slung on your bed earlier that day and cradled it against your chest, letting out a deep breath.

Ren’s shirt.

Damn that bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi,
> 
> I just wanted to make a quick note about 'your' mother/father. I understand not all of you will have a relationship with your parents so this may feel dispersonal but I did want to include some kind of backstory for 'you', something to relate to KR with.  
> If you completely hate this I am sorry!  
> There will very few chapters featuring your mother. Three is my current plan!! So she won't feature much at ALL. 
> 
> Anywaaaaaay, this is a double release so enjoy <3 --->


	12. NUCLEAR pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More family but it seems at least, Ren is talking to you again.
> 
> Perhaps more than talking..

_“Sit still.”_

_Nails dug into your shoulders and pushed you back down into the chair, forcing you to stop squirming._

_Your mother pulled the brush through your hair again, admiring it. For a moment, the silence between the two of you was almost comfortable- perhaps the most normal moment the two of you had had in years._

_She took the dainty, golden flower pin from the dresser in front of you and slipped it into your hair with a final sigh. When her hands returned to your shoulders, she pinched you a little._

_“Do not mess up this dress.” Her eyes met yours in the mirror- cruel. Cold._

_You nodded, her talons removing themselves from your skin. She left your room in a rush, off to figure out another detail of the party likely._

_Your thirteenth birthday- an affair that was going to be remembered by everyone apparently, if your mother could help it. You hadn’t wanted such a grand affair, but the way she had doted on every detail almost felt like she was doting on you and it was so close, you didn’t want to spoil her fun. Or make her angry._

_Hopping off the chair, you decided to follow her downstairs, gently holding the hem of your dress in your hands. It was brand new, yellow and wrapped with white ribbon around the middle and bottom. Pearls dotted the neckline and your ears._

_It seemed like everybody you knew was here. Your house was teeming with neighbours, relatives, friends._

_For once, you managed to just lose yourself amongst the crowds with your own friends- no glaring mother to worry about how you looked, how you were ‘embarrassing yourself.’_

_You were having fun._

_Even when your father wheeled out the cake and you blew out the candles. Even when you opened your presents. Even at the end of the night when you wished everybody a goodnight, watching them dot off into the night._

_You knew that fun was over the moment you spotted your mother, leaning against the window with a glass of wine in her hand. Her grip was iron tight and you followed her stare._

_Nearly everybody had gone home, except Ms. Huckle. She lived three doors down and you were ashamed to admit you adored her- she was the kindest woman you knew and it was certainly reflected in her beauty. Her honey blonde hair ran down her back in beautiful waves, her body lean despite getting into her 40’s and not a wrinkle in sight._

_Once, you had broken your bike outside her house and sobbed until you were almost sick, fearful of the trouble you’d get from your mother- but she took you inside, patched your bleeding knee up and fixed the bike all in one swoop. Like your superhero._

_Your father wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not truly. They were just laughing with each other, her hand gently resting on his shirt._

_It wasn’t a secret your parents weren’t happy. Your friends had joked about it, repeating what their own parents had said and you had laughed too, pretending you knew exactly what they meant._

_Sharp clicking sounded in your ears and you realised your mother was striding for you, pulling you up the stairs behind her. You stumbled, watching the two figures outside disappear as she dragged you towards your room._

_Whilst you were there, she didn’t say much. Just lay out your bed clothes as if you were five._

_“You know what lust is?” She glanced over at you as she sat down on the bed, hand running over a spot before patting it. You shook your head no and gingerly took the seat beside her. “Lust is.. what people sometimes see as the thing that comes before love. It’s fun, it’s wild- but where does it lead? Do you know?”_

_You shook your head no again._

_“Nowhere.” She reached over and pinched your chin, forcing you to look up at her. “It gets you nowhere. Someone might lust for you, maybe even love you- but they’ll leave you eventually. Lust for someone else will always make a return, no matter how many promises they make. Even if they don’t physically leave they…leave. In other ways.”_

_You wondered if she meant your father._

_She took a shaky breath and you looked down at your feet, wishing she would leave. When she let go of your chin, she let out a long sigh and climbed to her feet, teetering slightly.  
“Don’t ever let anybody in.” Her eyes met yours. “Don’t waste yourself to shallow ways like lust, or love. Understand me?”_

_You nodded and she disappeared, shutting the door softly behind you. No happy birthday, no hug, no anything._

_That night, you dreamed Ms. Huckle was your mother._

The coffee machine in the kitchen hummed gently. Your hands grasped the mug as you watched the steam curl up. This was going to be needed- many, many cups of coffee was going to be needed to get through today.

The door to the kitchen swung open and you jumped in your seat, startled. Rey walked in, her mouth opening slightly upon seeing you. Her arms were full of books, folders and all sorts of crap.

“I-“ She stopped. “I heard about your dad?”

It didn’t take you long to work it out. “Ushar?”

She nodded in confirmation. “Kylo just mentioned he wouldn’t be helping them out this weekend since he was taking you to see your dad. I was there, I asked..”

“Kylo?” Your eyes slid to hers and you snorted, taking another sip of your coffee. “So informal.”

“Well, what should I call him? Professor? Ren? The guy who’s fucking my friend and clearly using her?”

You were not in the mood for this. “Rey, just- enough. If you don’t have anything to say that isn’t a jab, I don’t want to hear it.”

“I mean, I hear about your dad from him?” She scoffed. “I know you’re mad at me but come on it’s your dad, your mom-“

“Yeah. It is. Yet, you haven’t called. Or texted. Nothing- if you hadn’t seen me today, would you have even bothered to ask?”

She glared at you. “Well, I-“

“Don’t stand there and talk shit about Ren when he’s been there for me. He may be an asshole, but at least he’s taking me to the hospital. He came to see me. My so called best friend couldn’t even send me a message to check in on me.”

“That isn’t fair! You’ve barely been here, off being Ren’s little bitch!”

“Pick up the phone then Rey. It isn’t hard.”

“You haven’t called me either!”

“Why should I? You be completely unsupportive of my choices with Ren, avoid me for nearly two weeks on end and the moment you find me alone at home, you decide to shit talk him again and insult me in the process. Fuck you.”

With that, you got up and slammed your mug in the sink before walking to your room.

Rey didn’t follow.

The drive to the hospital was mostly done in silence- not uncomfortable, just..silence.

You hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before and your talk with Rey had left you feeling shitty so it suited you just fine not to talk. Sitting with your head against the window, you watched the rain on the windows race down.

Ren didn’t exactly seem like a ray of sunshine either today.He had sighed three times in the past few minutes alone.

Another sigh and you couldn’t stand it any longer. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Then quit the sighing.”

He glared at you and then, “The guys are painting my apartment. I told them to leave it, but they forced their way in this morning and refused to leave.”

You snorted. “Woe is you, your friends are doing something nice.”

“Ushar’s girlfriend will be there.”

You didn’t reply, staring out the window in silence. Ren noticed, but said nothing and kept driving forward.

Your mother was sitting in the chair beside your fathers bed as you arrived into his room, one eyebrow raised.

You left Ren in the waiting room. It was inappropriate for him to be in here and besides, your parents wouldn’t exactly take well to him. Given your mothers glare, it seemed her mood was extremely sour already.

“Hi pops.” You kissed his forehead. “Getting out today?”

“That I am. Just a few hours- they have some papers and stuff to sign and I’m a free man.”

“Are you going on any medication?”

“I need to go to our own hospital in a week or so for another checkup. Light activities, beta blockers.. the usual shit.”

You smiled, squeezing his shoulder. “That’s great.”

“How did you get here?” At last, the demon in the corner finally spoke.

“My..friend.”

“The man from the other night?” She snapped and her eyes went to your father. “The one I told you about. So rude to me, so awful-“

“Is he outside?”

You nodded.

“Hm.” Your father didn’t say anymore and you clamped down on your smile.

You stayed for a while, nipping out to check on Ren- he was just fine, grading some papers as he waited and you almost smiled at his studious state.

A nurse came and got your mother to sign all his papers, un-attaching him from all of his wires and tubes and allowing him to get dressed.

You waited for him and walked the two of them out of his room, your dad in his wheelchair. As you reached the waiting room, he held his hand out.

“I forgot my coat, it’s in the drawer by the bed- can you grab it?” He looked to your mother. She sighed, stomping off back to the room.

“Move, move, move.” Your father nodded and you giggled as you wheeled him in the direction of your professor.

Ren stood as the two of you approached. Even in the huge hospital doorway frames, he was massive- even your father blinked.

“Ren, this is my father.” You introduced them. “Dad, Kylo Ren.”

Your father stuck out his hand immediately. “Anyone who can ignore my wife like you can deserves a handshake.”

You could’ve sworn Ren’s lips almost pulled into a smile, a real one. He shook his hand in return.

It was only a moment later and you heard your mother hiss your names, standing a few feet back from you all- as if she was scared.

“Time to go.”

You wheeled your father back over to her and kissed his cheek again.

“When will you be back out next? Christmas is still a month away and I think you should visit in a few weeks.”

Blinking, you took a step away from them- and right into Ren, who had come to stand right behind you.

“I, uh-“

Your mother rolled her eyes. “What excuse do you have now?”

“I don’t, I just-“

“She has exams.” Ren interrupted, his gaze steady on your mothers. How he didn’t cower under her glare, you weren’t sure- it had always terrified you.

But nothing seemed to scare him.

“Unless you don’t care about her education, she needs to take them.”

She straightened. “Excuse me?”

“Well, you certainly seemed to have a great dislike for her getting an education the other day.”

“It is none of your business!”

His nostrils flared, but he kept a cool composure. “It becomes my business when you talk to her like that in front of me.”

“Ren-“

“What is it you despise about your own daughter so much? How much smarter she is than you? More beautiful, more thoughtful? Why exactly is it you treat her like shit?”

“Now-“ Your father started, but there was nothing to stop this collision.

“How dare you speak to me like that?” She turned her attention to you. “How dare you let him?”

You sighed. “I don’t control him.” At that, she became even more enraged. You tried to dial it back a little. “Look, let’s-”

“You are such a disappointment, more and more every time we see you.”

Monsters were real- they had the same eyes as you, the same frame and hair. They told you they loved you whilst making you feel like they hated you. Shut you out. Let you in. Battered and bruised your soul. Mythical monsters had never scared you when you were younger- in fact, you would take some green scaly thing with it’s large teeth any day over your mother, the true monster of your house.

“Now, that’s enough. Let’s go.” Your father shook his head in disapproval- but chickened out, once again.

You clamped down on every scream working it’s way out of you, towards him, towards your mother and instead gave him a bland smile and nodded goodbye.

Kids often managed to be rid of their monsters, through maturity. Realised that they weren’t in fact under their beds and in their closets, but rather just in their minds. A figment of their imaginations.

But yours was completely real- and you couldn’t help but wonder if you’d ever be free of her.

Silence filled the car the entire ride home from the hospital. Ren hadn’t tried to start a conversation, but you could see him anxiously glancing at you the entire ride home. But no words came to mind to say- no kind ones anyway.

When he turned at the crossroads towards your apartment, you sighed. “I don’t want to go home.”

“Why?”

Rey. Finn. How angry you were- it just wouldn’t end well.

You gritted your teeth. “I just _don’t_. Take me to Kiana’s or something.”

He pulled a u-turn and started driving in the other direction. You passed by Holkins and your stomach tightened, realising exactly where he was going- but you were in no mood to be anywhere near him tonight.

“I said _Kiana’s._ ”

He just ignored you and pulled up to his apartment. There were no other cars outside- the guys must’ve already disappeared.

As soon as he cut the engine, you hopped out the car and stormed past him, down the sidewalk and towards her place- but he grabbed your wrist, turning you to face him.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“Anywhere but here.” You tugged- but he didn’t budge an inch.

“Your problem is?”

“ _You_ , you are my problem, my mother, my father, my friends-“ You could feel everything inside you swelling up like a tidal wave.

“Scholar-“

“No, no, I’m sick of this, all of this!“

“Scholar.” He was more firm this time, gripping your shoulder to stop you from moving. But you continued to pull away, your breathing growing erratic.

With a slight growl, he yanked you behind him and into the apartment building. You struggled, but he kept a firm hold and pulled you up the stairs.

His apartment stunk of paint. The guys had left some of the coverings over the sofa and floor, the material crunching under your feet.

When he was sure you were far enough into the apartment, he let go of your arm and turned quickly as if making sure you couldn’t bolt.

You were almost tempted to- but now you were here, he was going to get a piece of your mind.

“You want to know what my problem is, _Kylo Ren_?” You spat his name as if it was poison- perhaps it was. “My best friend in the entire world hates me, _hates me_ because of you- and I don’t even really know why she does, but she does. I think because she doesn’t want me to get hurt but..it doesn’t matter. She hates me.”

“This is my fault how?”

“I guess technically it isn’t- but she wouldn’t hate you if she didn’t think you were using me. And what evidence do I have to present you aren’t? A few sleep fuelled words whispered in the dark of night? My own hope?” You let out a laugh- but it was bitter. “You take me to the hospital to see my father, you show up like you care, you get _clearly_ mad about Will touching me- and..I don’t know what this is. I don’t know what you want with me. I know nothing about you!”

He blinked slowly. “So you want to know me?”

“I want my friends to stop hating me! I want to know why you’ll pick a fight with my mother like you give a shit and then happily go without seeing me for days on end. And let’s not even talk about the sex-“

“Don’t pretend like-“

“ _Shut up_. I wasn’t going to say it isn’t good, it’s-“ You rolled your eyes. “How many times have you seen me naked? Have you stripped me down, exposed every inch of me and yet I’ve barely seen you without a shirt! You have so many walls up Ren and I’m tried of climbing them. I’m so tired.”

He was quiet. Considering. You could feel the anxiety swell inside of you- perhaps he would just send you on your way. This was getting far too complicated for professor and student and neither of you had signed up for this. Not really.

You took a step towards him. “I don’t need everything, I can- I can be patient- I want to be because I want-“ You were stumbling over your words. “Just give me something. Let me over _one_ wall. That’s all I want.”

Another few moments of silence that felt like minutes. So maybe this was to be it- something that could’ve worked but his stubbornness and your refusal to deal with what you were given was going to end it.

“I despise the way she talks to you.”

Your eyebrows shot up. He took a step towards you. Then another.

“You have no idea how angry it makes me scholar- how much I have to reel it in.” He was close enough to touch you now- his fingertips landed on the collar of your jacket and he gripped it. “I’m not good with words.”

“You’re an English teacher.”

No laughter- but his eyes glinted. “I’m a mess scholar. I’m.. not something that you-“

“I decide what I want.” You met his stare. He tugged at your jacket and you allowed him to pull it off, putting it to the side. “Do _you_ want me?”

He nodded.

Then, to your shock, he reached and gripped your hand- but not to hold. He let you reach and tug at his own jacket, allowing it to slip to the floor.

Your fingers trembled slightly but you swallowed and continued, reaching for the hem of his shirt and tugging it over his head. It was pretty difficult- he was tall, so he had to help you out with the last part but it landed with a soft thud nearby.

This, this was all you needed for now. No promises of a relationship, no tragic backstory- just him, as he is. All of him.

“I really hate you sometimes you know..” You muttered as he pulled your own shirt over your head. But from his slight smile, he knew you didn’t mean it.

“I know.”

His fingers tugged at your pants and you helped him along, stepping out of them as you gripped his arms and then it was just your underwear left.

He took a deep breath as your hand splayed flat on his chest, touching the smooth skin there, fingers tracing the freckles dotted along his chest. He was watching your every move, his hands twitching at his side- as if he was resisting stopping you.

You decided to try and make him feel a little more comfortable, your hand reaching behind you to unclasp your bra. It dropped to the ground and before you could pull down your panties, Ren stopped you.

He held your wrists tightly, looking down at you.

“I don’t know what this is scholar. I wish I did- I hate not knowing.” He took a shaky breath. “I can’t and I won’t make any promises but I-“

You reached and gently touched his mouth, covering it slightly. “This is enough.”

_For now._

He seemed to understand and reached for you, hands grabbing your face and pulling you towards him. His lips crashed into yours, eliciting a moan from you.

Picking you up by your thighs, he tugged you up and into him. Your legs wrapped around his waist, hands around his neck as you kept your lips against his. His tongue slipped into your mouth, caressing it.

He kept walking- towards the bedroom you assumed.

But a second later you crashed into something hard and wet. You broke away from the kiss and swore at him- he’d slammed you into the wall. Ordinarily not a problem, but this was coated in a sleek later of grey paint.

“Prick.” You hissed. It was covering your back, your silhouette outlined in that one spot.

Ren huffed a laugh and leaned back in, kissing you again, pushing you back into the wall. It was futile to resist- so you just went with it.

However, something to your right did catch your eye and as the kiss broke again, Ren pinning you against the wall, his lips moving to your neck, you reached your hand out slightly.

The feeling of his erection poking against your entrance had you almost turn to mush. But you kept stretching, hoping he wouldn’t notice-

“Scholar.” He growled.

Before he could do anything, you brought the paint roller you had noticed over with a slam and slammed it into his side, coating his chest and back in paint.

He almost dropped you in surprise, looking down at the paint dripping down his chest. When his eyes met yours, they were almost feral.

But you laughed- a real, genuine laugh at his face and how angry he was. It erupted, filling your chest with warmth and when you looked back at him, something just seemed.. different. As if he was seeing you for the first time.

“That’s how you want to play it?” The real Kylo was back in seconds.

He dropped you to your feet but gave you no time to recover, his hand grasping your neck and slamming you against the wall again seconds later. He tightened his hold, tilting you to look up at him.

“Don’t play games with me, scholar. You won’t win.”

With that, he took the same roller and swabbed a huge thing of paint across your stomach. You gasped- but he met your open mouth with his own, tongue attacking. You hadn’t even time to catch your breath, especially with him blocking off your air supply, before he had picked you up again and threw you over his shoulder.

You watched the floor below you tilt and sway around as he carried you, smiling to yourself as you went. Your feet slapped against the cool tiles when he eventually put you down again, realising he’d taken you to the bathroom. Probably a good idea, given how disgusting you two looked. You didn’t even want to glance in the mirror beside you.

The two of you stripped off completely before Ren reached and dragged you into the shower after him, reaching for the soap immediately. He coated his hands with it and began to rub your body, clearing the paint away before it had a chance to dry.

Your entire body heated with desire as he took extra time to massage your breasts, that spot between your thighs that made your knees tremble, your neck and shoulders. Then when you were squeaky clean, he poured soup into your hands and you began to wash him.

You were gentle, treating him as if he had been injured or something. But you knew this was a step. An important one, letting you touch him. You wouldn’t take the privilege lightly.

So you scrubbed until the paint was off, allowing him to do his area down below himself and when he was clean, you half expected him to turn off the shower.

But he leaned down again and kissed you. The water almost choked you, filling your mouth between every kiss- but Ren didn’t seem to care, pushing you back against the wall behind you.

The cool tiles imprinted into your skin. Ren grabbed your hair right at the roots and pushed you down to your knees.

The water ran over him onto you, splashing right onto your head. You could barely look up at him because of it.

His erection almost poked you in the face, dangling right there in front of you.

“Come on scholar.” He smirked. “Do what you do best.”

You almost punched him for that- but the desire inside you was too strong, too desperate so you leaned forward and took him in your mouth.

Your tongue swirled over the head and then down, right as deep as you could go. You felt every one of those veins, throbbing as he moved in and out of your mouth. Your lips made a disgusting plop every time he slipped out your mouth and when he did, he’d slam back in even harder.

“Look at me.”

You tried- but the water rushing off him was right in your eyes and you blinked a few times, hand clutching him as you squinted.

“Scholar.” He warned. “And no hands.”

It wouldn’t end well if you didn’t listen. So you dropped your hands to the bath in front of you and looked up at him, eyes burning from the water dropping into them. He grasped your hair and moved, harder and harder until he was filling your mouth. You could almost feel it in your nose as he slammed into the roof of your mouth a few times.

You gagged and he moved out for a second, only for water from the shower to choke you further. He didn’t seem to particularly care, slamming back into your mouth and out over and over. Your eyes screamed in pain.

“Are you going to behave?” He asked. You nodded eagerly.

He slipped out and raised an eyebrow at you, pulling your hair hard to look at him. “Yes, sir.”

At that, he clasped your hands and pulled you to your feet. But they didn’t have much time on the ground- before you knew it, he had lifted you in his arms again and trapped you there with his pelvis.

His erection throbbed around your entrance and you moaned, shifting towards it as you felt your own cunt throb in anticipation.

He smiled down at it, running a thumb over your clit. “Kind of sad, isn’t it? You were so angry with me and here you are, an hour later..so desperate for me..”

_Prick._

“Please.” You clutched at his neck tighter, pinching the skin there. “Please, sir.”

“Have you got no morals? No values? You were so angry..”

_Massive asshole prick._

You almost said as much- but his eyes met yours and you knew what he was truly getting at.

“I’m not mad anymore.”

“Is that so?”

“Please.” You begged and shifted your hips again so you brushed against the head of his cock. You let out a whine at the feeling.

He moved his hands down to grab your ass and moved, trapping you against the wall as he slid into you. You groaned, hands clutching against his chest hard enough to bruise as he began to slide in and out of you.

Fuck. Every fucking time felt better than the last. Would it ever end?

One of his hands moved and grasped at your throat. You marvelled at his strength, his stamina as he continued to fuck you. He pulled your head towards his and met you with a sloppy, wet kiss before pushing your head back against the wall and his hands went back to your ass.

Your walls clenched around him as he moved upwards, hitting that spot just right, hands pinching your ass. You moaned, louder and louder, the water from the shower smacking your breasts as they bounced up and down.

He swore and muttered your name. You noticed his own face in pleasure as you nipped at him, so you pushed it a little further and dug your nails in- harder and harder. He hissed, eyes meeting yours- but you could see the encouragement there and kept going, scratching his chest until blood bloomed beneath your nails.

You wondered if you could die from pleasure, from hearing Kylo Ren grunt your name as his blood streamed down his chest.

He was almost splitting you in half, the lip of your cunt catching on the head of his cock and your head lulled back, eyes rolling into your head.

You reached one of your hands down to circle your clit and moved in time with him, his own breath catching as he watched you touch yourself. Your fingers slid in and out your lips, rubbing frantically.

“Please-“ Fuck, fuck, fuck. “Please let me cum.”

There was no hesitation in his answer. No cruel wait or teasing- just lethal focus on your mouth, on the moans coming out of them. Ren stared at you, nodding. “Cum.”

Your hand circled faster until your cunt clenched and began to spasm, waves of pleasure rolling out all over your body. You jerked in his arms, panting as he kept moving at a cruel pace- but a minute later, as you were still riding your orgasm, he buried himself inside you with a shout and finished as well.

He let you slip down from his hold, but kept a hold of you so you were leaning into him in the small space of the shower. He reached for the soap again, but gave it to you for yourself and then did himself. You gave your legs a quick dust and rinsed off your downstairs area too.

Stepping out of the shower, you were surprised to find Ren wrapping a towel around you before beginning to dry himself. You did the same, gently squeezing the water out of your hair.

When you were both dry, he guided you through to the bedroom. You felt disappointment course through you when he handed you a shirt and pulled one on himself, as well as a pair of boxers. But he had exposed himself for long enough for tonight- you could let it go.

Climbing into the bed beside him didn’t feel as foreign as it had the last time- and the movement forward in your relationship relaxed you so much so, you were almost asleep before he had even hit the lights off.

Ren pulled you into his side, wrapping an arm around your waist, his head buried into the crook of your neck. You could feel yourself drifting off, eyes closing, when he whispered to you.

“I hate it when you go. When I don’t see you for days on end-“ He paused. “So do not think me happy scholar.”

You were too exhausted to reply and besides, your throat just tightened immensely at his statement to the point you weren’t sure what you could even say.

So you reached up and squeezed one of the hands around his chest before tumbling into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this double feature lol. Please let me know your thoughts! I adore comments. My next update will be this weekend probably!
> 
> Have a wonderful week!


	13. TROUBLE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *han solo enters the chat*

Kiana threw her head down onto her book with a groan, everyone on the library floor turning to glance at her. You giggled.

“If I just sit like this, do you think the information will absorb into my head?”

You poked her head with your pen. “No- now come on. One more hour.”

“You’ve said that for three weeks. I’m so _sick_ of this.” She looked so close to tears, you almost felt bad for her- but you’d feel worse if you didn’t make her keep going.

Midterms were approaching and quickly- it was just days until your first one. Kiana had another week before her first exam, but she had begged you to help her study so you did, forcing her into the library every single night.

The past few weeks had become a routine of the exact same thing. Attending the few classes you had left, buying food from the first cafe or shop you could find then camping out at the library all evening to study.

Kiana’s eyes locked on something near the door and she kicked your leg under the table. You swore at her and looked too, noticing your professor enter the library at a brisk pace. He didn’t seem the notice the two of you, walking right past and into the restricted section.

The only thing about your routine that had changed was him. You had barely seen him for the past two weeks- his classes were finished for this term and the only time you got alone with him was your tutoring sessions. But you actually _studied_ for once during them, using the full two hours to do so. When it was over, you had gone back to his apartment a few times but each time you’d been so exhausted you only wanted to sleep- and he was more than happy to let you.

You were grateful for his lack of complaints, despite it being very uncharacteristic of him. But you were surprised to find the pull inside yourself to follow him, to talk to him. Stars above, you prayed you weren’t doing something as hopeless as _missing him._

Once you went down that road, there’d be no coming back.

“I’ll be back.” You shut your book, tore out your headphones and followed after Ren. Kiana snorted behind you, pulling your bag towards her to keep an eye on it.

Luckily, this area of the library was pretty quiet so nobody noticed you ducking under the rope and following him inside. The restricted area was for teachers only- but hardly any came in here. Most just used the internet nowadays to look for what they needed.

The shelves were a complete maze, but you found Ren eventually, tucked behind a hefty pile of encyclopaedias and other books, hands skimming over them.

You cleared your throat, alerting him to your presence- he flinched, surprised, and raised an eyebrow at you.

“You shouldn’t be here.” He pulled out another book from the shelf and inspected its cover.

“What are _you_ doing in here?” You asked, glancing around. The lighting in this particular area was terrible- there was no windows around and the cheap electrics shone very little light, plunging you into darkness. Ren was practically all shadow in his black clothing.

“Looking for a book..”

“What book?”

“I heard there was a first edition..” He muttered, mainly to himself and sighed. “The Thorn Birds.”

You couldn’t help but smile. “ _You_ like The Thorn Birds?”

“Am I not allowed to?”

“I’m just surprised.” You watched as his fingers trailed over another few before he seemed to give up, turning to face you completely.

His eyes looked so dark in the shadows, so lifeless. An angel of death. You blinked, realising you were seconds away from reaching to touch him, to put a hand on his cheek.

“You followed me in here to find out what book I’m reading?”

“I guess..” You trailed off. You didn’t exactly feel like explaining that you just wanted to talk to him- he’d probably laugh right in your face.

He walked towards you, your feet stumbling back nervously until he came to stand right in front of you. The wood of the bookcase stuck into your back, Ren’s hands gripping the wooden shelves behind your shoulders.

“Are you nervous, scholar?” He had an edge of laughter in his voice.

“No.”

“You certainly look nervous.” He leaned down, brushing his lips up your neck towards your ear. “If you wanted to see me, you can just ask..no need to follow me into this dingy little corner of the library.”

You rolled your eyes but your voice was merely a squeak. “I know that.”

One of his hands drifted down, squeezing your hip before a finger ran along the hem of the skirt you were wearing. Probably inappropriate, given the time of year- but you had worn tights at least.The skin underneath broke out into goosebumps as his finger trailed along and you shivered.

Ren said your name, drawing your attention back to him. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Mhm. And..?”

His fingers dipped lower, now on your pantie line and he ran a stroking finger down, down, down- stopping just above your cunt.

You were already wet for him- and he knew it, judging by the smile that erupted on his face as he touched you.

“Can I come by tonight?” Your voice almost cracked. You were desperately trying to keep composed, but his lips trailing along your jaw, your neck had you completely distracted.

“Why?”

_Prick. Arrogant prick._

You moaned. “Ren..”

“Fine.” But he didn’t move his hand- he ran a singular finger into your slit and leaned forward, biting your lip. You moaned into his mouth, his finger rubbing you once. Twice.

“We’re in the library.” You reminded him between breathless kisses.

He rolled his eyes and dragged his finger further down, and then up, tortuously slowly before pulling it out. It was slick with your juices and he leaned forward, pushing it into your mouth.

You sucked his finger, tongue swirling over the tip. His eyes darkened even more than before, dangerously so.

“See you tonight scholar.”

He nodded to the exit. You glared at him in frustration, but walked back towards the library, butterflies swirling in your stomach.

The buzz to his apartment was startlingly loud- you jumped as it ran. A few moments later the door turned green and clicked open, allowing you inside.

Ren was waiting for you when you got upstairs, leaning over the banister with his door already opened. You kind of liked that he was the only apartment up here, the entire floor to himself.

“Hey.” You held up the study cards you had in your pockets, your voice in a singsong. “Look what I brought..”

He rolled his eyes at you and when you finally reached his floor, took them out your hands. Before you could even ask what he was doing with them, he threw them to the other side of his apartment.

“Hey, I spent all afternoon-!“

“Scholar, I do not want you to be here to study.” He took your things from you, placing them on the table near the door. You shuffled awkwardly inside and shut the door behind you, slipping yourjacket off and putting it beside them.

“I have an exam in two days you know.”

God, he was so hot when he’s at home- yes, he looked hot in his shirts and pants for school, unfairly so. But at home, in some sweats and a shirt? You were pretty much ready to climb him in a second. It seemed perhaps he had the same idea with the way he was staring at you.

“So, what _do_ you want me here for?” You asked him, skipping a step around him. Your shoulder brushed against his arm.

“You tell me- you asked to come here.” He replied, following you into the sitting room.

Damn it. That you had.

But you just innocently shrugged at him and sat down on the sofa, arms braced on either side of you. “I just wanted to study, _professor_.”

He loomed above you, glaring.

In a quick movement, he had leaned down on the couch, his own hands braced in front of you. His face was just inches from yours and you noticed his tongue, darting out to wet his lips before he spoke again.

“Study, hm?”

“Yep.” You were surprised to find your voice.

“I haven’t fucked you in nearly two weeks-“ He paused, that dangerous gaze of his still locked on your mouth. “-and you want us to do flash cards?”

You swallowed, your tongue like sandpaper.

Fuck this- you always waited for him. Always waited for his next move. You wanted him- and you wanted him now

You leant forward and kissed him, hands lifting from the couch to touch his face. He stiffed in surprise for a moment but quickly relaxed, letting you touch him. His hands moved and wrapped around your middle, pulling you off the sofa and to your feet.

His warmth was intoxicating. In fact, _everything_ about him was intoxicating. His hands moved up, weaving themselves into your hair and tugging slightly.

You’d never felt like this- this desperation to be so close to someone, to be so close to _him_. Two weeks without him was far too much. You wanted more, needed more.

That thought fuelled your hands, which shifted down to his sweats. They skimmed the inside and with a slight grunt, he moved one of his hands to the small of your back to press you against his pelvis.

Just as his other hand moved from your hair to your skirt zipper, someone thudded on the door.

Your lips went still against his as you spoke. “I’m going to kill Ushar if it’s him.”

He huffed a laugh and stood away from you, running a hand through his hair. “I’ll get rid of them.”

“Allow me.”

He watched you go back into the hallway, swinging the door open with a glare, fully ready to tell off whoever was interrupting the two of you.

But the words immediately died in your mouth.

You weren’t sure who exactly was standing at the door, looking down at you expectantly. A man, but not one you’d ever seen before.

Not too tall, his hair now grey with age and a light stubble scattered over his chin. His face was worn from the years, crinkled in all the corners from where he had obviously laughed aplenty. His eyes had a youthful look to them and were startlingly brown, almost like- 

“Hi. Is Ben here?”

 _Ben_.

Whoever this was, it couldn’t be good news and whatever plans you had for this evening were definitely cancelled.

“He’s..I’m sorry, who are you?”

The man sighed. “I’m Han. Han Solo. Is Ben in? I need to talk to him, so if you’ll just-“ He placed a hand on your arm, trying to squeeze past but immediately froze.

“What are you doing here?” Ren’s voice made you jump, his silhouette in the doorframe behind you. “Get your hand off her.”

“I was just-“

“Get out.” You wondered if he meant you- but his eyes were solely focused on the man beside you, who had begun to edge back towards the door.

“We need to talk.”

“No.” He growled. “We have nothing to talk about.”

“Ben-“

“Stop calling me that!”

You jumped in fright and stepped back from the two of them, pressing yourself into the coats behind you as if you could disappear if you just pushed hard enough.

Beginning to collect your shoes and other things, you could hear the man stumbling over his words slightly.

“Come _home_. Your mother is really sick.”

“That is not my home- it hasn’t been for a very long time.”

“I know I made mistakes, but what has she done to you? Why are you punishing her by staying away?”

You laced your boots up, slipping on your jacket next. Ren didn’t even seem to notice your movements, his body frozen in fury.

But it wasn’t just anger in his eyes- you had seen that look before, a hundred times over whenever you had talked to your mother. He was _scared_.

“She allowed you to make said mistakes. Stood by them.”

“Ben-“

“Stop calling-!”

“I will call you what I damn well like!” The man lost his leash on what seemed to be a very short temper, his shouts echoing down the stairs. “I am your father!”

Well. It seems the apple truly does not fall far from the tree.

Han took a few steps into the foyer, fingers pointed towards his son. “You listen to me, stop being a selfish bastard and come and see her-“

“No-“

He reached for him- to do what, you weren’t sure. Grab him? Slap him? But you pushed in front of him before he got the chance, blocking his hands with your elbow.

“I think it’s time you left.” Even you were surprised with the hardness of your voice. It didn’t even sound like you.

Han’s nostrils flared as he glanced between the two of you. But he took a step back and then another, until he retreated out the door completely and disappeared back down the stairs.

You waited until door at the very bottom had closed before you let out the breath you’d been holding, daring a glance at Ren.

He was still rooted to the spot, eyes trained to the floor.

You weren’t even sure what to say, or do. You had collected all your things, expecting a quick exit- but the way his father had moved for him.. it reminded you of your mother. You couldn’t let him grab him.

“I’m gonna-“ You grabbed your bag, jerking your head towards the door.

“Go.”

He wasn’t being harsh- he said it very softly. But you listened and scurried out the door, closing it behind you. He needed his space and you wanted to respect it, especially after what happened last time you pushed it with him.

Outside, you weren’t entirely shocked to see Han still hanging around. He glared at you as you left the building, hands stuffed into his front pockets. He must’ve been waiting for a cab.

Not wanting to give him the time of day out of respect for Ren, you started walking towards your apartment, phone already out to call Kiana for a ride.

“His mother is ill, you know that right?”

You stopped. “I know.”

“Has he become such a monster? That he can’t even go and visit her?” His father shook his head.

God, he was just like your mother.

“Maybe you should consider that he isn’t the monster. Perhaps you are.” You shook your head. “It’s so easy for you to blame him, but have you ever considered why he left you both? Why he refuses to come back? The amount of pain you must’ve put him through for him to make such a decision-“

“Oh he made it with ease.”

“Nobody makes that decision with any kind of ease. You’re an idiot.”

“You know nothing about it.”

“I don’t need to.” You hissed. “I’ve lived through it. I’ve lived with a parent like you. How about you take two seconds to look at yourself and where you failed that man, instead of storming in there and throwing names like monster at him. He is _anything_ but.”

When you turned to walk away, his father scoffed. “He never even let his own parents in. _Ever_. So don’t expect any different sweetheart. When he runs from you too, you’ll realise I was right.”

Continuing to walk down the street, you ignored him and dialled Kiana’s number.

You hated him, hated the way he spoke about Ren.

But what you hated most was the horrible voice in your mind echoing all around.

_What if he’s right?_

The morning of the exam, you paced around in the hallway, just around the corner from the entrance. You just wanted five minutes to clear your head- focus on your breathing, the information jumbled in your brain.

You could do this. You’d been studying for weeks.

The fact it was Ren’s exam didn’t ease your nerves at all. He wasn’t conducting it, thank the stars, but he was marking it.

For the first time ever you prayed your professor wouldn’t go easy on you- you wanted to earn this, through and through. But you trusted him.

A strange realisation, but you did. You knew he wouldn’t mark you any better, or worse no matter how he felt about you.

You hadn’t checked on him since the other night- and he hadn’t contacted you either. To witness such a personal moment was probably overwhelming, so you didn’t want to overstep your mark. But you were worried.

Your phone buzzed- Kiana, saying she was inside and waiting for you.

You closed your eyes again. One more minute and you’d go in.

“Meditating?”

You cracked an eye open and found Ren standing in front of you, arms folded. He almost seemed amused- no hint of the male from the other night, with his terrified stare and hunched over body.

“Mentally prepping so..yeah I guess.” You opened your eyes fully to look at him.

“You’re ready. Your work is good.” He took a step towards you, eyes darting out around the corridor- there was nobody around except the two of you. This building was only used for exams now and nobody was supposed to be round here. Ren must’ve come in the teachers entrance on the right wing.

“I better get in.” You pushed yourself off the wall behind you and turned to go. But Ren caught your arm, turning you.

“Is that it?” He frowned. “No lecture about my father, no prying questions?”

“Do you want me to ask you questions?”

“No.”

“Then I won’t. I know you like your secrets Ren- I’m not going to push or pry.” You smirked up at him. “Not yet anyway.”

“I heard your conversation with him.” He didn’t give away any hint of what he was feeling.

 _How much?_ You wondered as your cheeks burned red. Had he heard all you said about him? If so, was he angry at you for it? You had tried to walk away but his father got right under your skin and you couldn’t help but defend him.

Surprisingly, he leaned down and kissed you, hand curling around your face. You reached, hands meeting his hair as you pulled him closer, desperate to be near to him. He grunted your name in approval and you almost blew off the exam right there.

But a moment later, he stepped back quickly, taking a healthy distance from you before dusting himself off.

“You could get into a lot of trouble doing that here.” You reminded him, knees already feeling slightly shaken at the sight of his unruffled hair.

“I know.” Then- as beautiful as the setting sun, Ren actually _smiled_ at you and you truly were almost on the floor. “Good luck in there scholar.”

He disappeared round the hall in five quick steps.

Mind buzzing as you entered the exam hall, you took the seat that Kiana had saved for you. She shot you a thumbs up and you gave her one back.

Your mind swirled to the other night, to if you wondered if Han was right.. except now your brain was shouting a different question to you.

_What if he’s wrong?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for the support guys. Let me know your thoughts!
> 
> I have set a chapter count of 27. This may increase/decrease but I have a pretttty solid plan in mind at the moment..
> 
> I'm unsure what to write after this. Any ideas?? Leave any below and I'll start exploring into them.
> 
> X


	14. CELEBRATIONS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's ren's birthday..... aka smut central

“Cheers bitch.” Kiana clinked her glass against yours and threw her head back, chugging her drink. You laughed, clutching your stomach as you watched her choke on said drink and snort it out her nose immediately after.

“Some celebration.” You glanced out at the spread in front of you. Kiana had brought a picnic over to your apartment and spread it out all over the floor. It mostly consisted of booze, but there was a few cocktails sausages amongst the masses of bottles.

Exams were over, finally and you couldn’t be more pleased or relieved. The only dread looming over you now was the fact you’d be returning home for Christmas and New Year. However, you were thinking of travelling back into town for the latter. There was no way you could stay with your parents for both.

For now however, freedom. Five more days until you had to return home.

As if she read your mind, Kiana nudged your leg. “What are your New Year plans?”

“I don’t have any yet.” Typically you spent the holiday with Rey and Finn, watching the ball drop in New York, curled under a mountain of blankets. But you had no idea what they were doing- you’d been at Kiana’s most of the time. In fact, you had half a mind to drop out of the lease over there and move in with her instead.

She’d suggested it herself but.. you couldn’t. Not yet. Besides, your lease was until the end of the year and leaving now would only cost you money you didn’t have.

“Come back to town please, so I have an excuse to escape my parents.” She begged. “I love them but my god, if I have to attend one more party where they try to hook me up with some idiots son I’ll combust.”

“I actually may-“ The two of you paused as the front door bell rang and footsteps sounded in the hall. You listened carefully to Rey buzz them up, voices growing louder in the hall.

“You’re what?- hey, hold on-!“

The sitting room door burst open, revealing a smiling Ushar. You smiled back at him, noticing Rey hanging by the door awkwardly.

“Celebrating ladies?”

Kiana raised her glass to him. “You know it.”

“Congrats on getting through exam season. Now, get your asses down to Holkins.”

“Ugh, why? We just want to get blackout and pass out in front of a terrible movie.” Kiana moaned making him chuckle.

“Because I have a top secret plan I need help with. I actually only need scholar but I presume you’ll want to come too..”

“A top secret plan?” She sighed putting down the glass in her hand. “ _Fine_. I’m intrigued.”

“So glad I could convince you.” Ushar rolled his eyes, turning his attention to you. “Coming?”

“Give us five?”

He nodded and scooted back out into the hall, Rey glaring at him as he wound an arm around her shoulder. Probably angry he seemed to be here for you rather than her.

You cleared up the sitting room as much as you could, piling all the booze into a corner and then grabbed your jackets from the sofa. The two of you didn’t look too terrible- but certainly not fit for any kind of night in a bar. Hopefully this wouldn’t take long.

Out in the hallway, Ushar had already disappeared down the stairs to wait for you. Rey lingered in her doorframe, arms over her chest as she watched you gather near the door.

“Uh..this is Kiana. Kiana, Rey.” You introduced the two girls, glancing between them.

To her credit, Kiana kept a neutral expression despite her proclaimed dislike for the woman in front of her. “Charmed.”

“Nice to meet you.” Rey mumbled and walked back into her room, slamming the door behind her with a heavy thud.

Kiana waited until the two of you were out and walking down the stairs before she spoke again, eyes wide. “She’s…quiet.”

You huffed a laugh. “No, she’s not. She’s angry with me.”

“Still?” Kiana rolled her eyes. “This is insane. It’s your life- she has to respect that.”

“I know. But I can’t force her to do that. I can only hope she’ll see that at some point and talk to me.”

She squeezed your hand and the two of you walked out into the freezing cold evening, shivering almost immediately. How there wasn’t snow down yet, you weren’t sure- it was certainly cold enough.

“Come on!” Ushar called from his car, banging on the side to get your attention. You jogged over and climbed in, hands covering his heating fan.

“Quit hogging!” Kiana called, batting your hands away from the back.

Ushar just shook his head as he pulled off towards the bar. He must be the designated driver for the night- you were glad. He always offered rides home instead of stranding you like Ap’lek or Kuruk.

“Everything okay with Rey?” You asked him quietly as the music from his stereo blared into the back, drowning Kiana’s chattering teeth out.

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I don’t like how she talks about Ren-“ He paused. “And about you. She’s just become..bitter.”

“I’m sorry.” You couldn’t help but feel it was your fault.

“Don’t be. Anybody who talks about my friends like that.. well, it would never work anyway.” He shrugged it off- but you could see how sad he was.

You needed to fix this. All of it. But there was so little time before Christmas that it would just have to wait until the New Year or even after.

Arriving at the bar, you spotted all of the boys crammed into their usual booth at the other end of the bar. All except Ren. Your stomach dropped in disappointment but you smiled at them anyway as you slid into the booth next to Vicrul, Kiana next to you.

“So.. what the hell is this about?”

“Firstly!” Vicrul waved to the bar staff, one of them rushing over. “A drink on us for surviving your first set of your last ever exams.”

You grinned and listed off your order to the lady waiting beside the table, Kiana doing the same. “Thanks.”

“My pleasure.” He nodded. Ap’lek appeared and stiffened- the two of you were clearly in his seat, but before you could offer to move up, Kiana smirked at him and patted the only spare area beside her. You could’ve sworn he almost snarled at her before sitting there, as far away from her as he could manage.

Trudgen laughed as he noticed it, earning a knee kick from Ap’lek.

“Now, secondly, we’re planning Ren’s birthday.”

“His birthday?” You hadn’t even known it was approaching. But how could you? You knew nothing about him.

“The twenty first of December.”

Winter solstice. Of _course_ he was born then.

So little survives in winter- it is a cruel, hard, unforgiving season. It brought darkness wherever it went and only the strongest could survive- according to mythology anyway. So children born during it were seen as the strongest of the lot, the light amongst the dark.

You couldn’t think of anything more fitting for your professor.

“So what are you thinking?”

“Ren hates parties, so that part won’t be particularly long.” Ushar explained. “We’ve rented out a bar, invited friends.. I’ll bet you right now he’ll stay an hour.”

“We’re taking him to do something else in the afternoon. However, in the early evening he’s doing a scavenger hunt.”

“Oh god.” You palmed your face. “He’ll never do that.”

“He will if you’re one of the prizes.” Vicrul met your eyes.

You laughed- but it died when you realised they weren’t kidding.

“Hell no.”

“Oh come on!” Trudgen protested. “It’ll be fun.”

“Not for me!”

Ushar leaned forward on the table. “We will buy you a hundred drinks at the party, minimum, to make up for it. _Please_ scholar.”

It was ridiculous and Ren would never, ever do it. You didn’t want to look like a complete idiot waiting for him.

However, it would give the two of you a moment alone, something that had been so fleeting this past few weeks- you could give him the gift that had already formed in your mind. A moment together before the party, where you’d have to pretend you were nothing but.. friends? God knows how he’d act there.

“Kiana can come to the party, if madam wishes.” Vicrul wriggled his eyebrows at her and the girl beside you grinned.

“I’ll be there chipping in those hundred drinks, with two in my hand when you arrive.” She nudged your shoulder. “It sounds fun.”

“See?” Ushar smiled. “What do you say scholar?”

You were going to regret this.  
“Fine.”

You were furious.

It was at _least_ -2 outside and you were being dragged across something, blindfolded in the blowing wind. Your feet had slipped twice on ice and each time, Ushar had laughed harder than before and made his grip on your arm even tighter, holding you upright.

You were in a dress which only made your chill worse. Stopping just above your knees, it was the deepest shade of midnight blue and its sleeves were completely mesh, cut to your wrists. You looked pretty damn good- or at least, you had until Ushar had dragged you through the elements.

The present you had found for Ren was in your hands, clutched tight and freshly wrapped with a neat green bow since it had only arrived this morning.

Why you were blindfolded, you weren’t sure. Apparently so you wouldn’t resist to whatever location they were taking you to.

“Be quiet.” Ushar whispered as you finally reached the entrance of wherever he was taking you. The smell of the hallway immediately filled your nose and you slapped his chest, aiming blindly.

“Ow- hey! What?”

“His office?” You hissed. You knew nobody would be around, not on a Saturday evening at seven pm but seriously? Pricks. The whole lot of them.

“How do you know that?” He reached and carefully took your blindfold off, careful with your makeup. You glared at him.

“I’m here often enough.”

He snorted and you slapped his chest again, following him to the end of the hall. He pulled out another key and walked in, dragging you behind him.

You stood by his desk. “So, I just wait here?”

“Well..” He grimaced and strode for you, grabbing your wrist. Before you could react, he chained one of your hands over your head, around one of the pillars of the bookcase.

“Ushar!” You shouted and he laughed, shushing you.

“Look, if he’s late, you’re moody enough to just storm off! I need to make sure you’ll be here! Now come on. Give me the other one.” He wasn’t wrong but now you were pissed off. “Come on scholar, it’s his birthday..”

With a sigh, you handed him your other hand and he clipped that one above your hand too.

You looked ridiculous now and you were most positively going to die of embarrassment long before Ren got here.

“If a janitor comes in, I’ll kill you with my bare hands.” You bared your teeth at him. He smiled at you as he backed away. Your present for Ren was beside your head on the shelf, green ribbon glinting under the cheap lights.

Ushar disappeared, shutting the light off despite your protests, and slammed the door behind him, locking it.

Now your wait began.

Eight. Fucking. Pm.

You had been here over an hour now and you could feel yourself almost sizzle with anger. Five more minutes and you were going to find a way to snap these cuffs yourself, wether it toppled his bookcase or not- you didn’t give a fuck anymore. Let it crush you. It was better than the embarrassment of waiting here a second later.

You had counted each of the diamonds embroidered into the carpets, debated over your exam answers and new years plans and now, you had nothing left to ponder over. You dug your heel into the carpet. Ushar had pinned you so high, these were the only things keeping you attached to the ground.

Where the hell had he found these cuffs? They were surprisingly sturdy.

You shivered as you wondered what else he had used these for. You were going to kill all of them and enjoy doing it too.

Fear slapped you in the face as the handle to the door finally jiggled, a silhouette appearing outside in the shadows. You couldn’t make out if it was Ren or not- it certainly looked like him, but you couldn’t be sure.

If this was another teacher.. you could kiss college goodbye. Perhaps you could cite some fake society, say you got dared or drugged or cry about how you’re being bullied-

The light flicked on and you blinked, eyes adjusting.

It was Ren, _thank god._

The bastard had the audacity to smile at your hanging state as he walked in, closing the door behind him carefully.

“I hate you. I hate your friends.” You glared at him. “Happy birthday prick.”

He just kept walking towards you, eyes darting towards the present sitting beside your head. You waited for him to unclip your hands, but he kept you dangling there.

“I got this at my last place and wondered if it was you..” He reached his hand up- but just ran a finger down your bare arm. You wriggled, reading the note he held up in his other hand.

_Here your final prize hangs, in the place where you teach_

_Now get your asses down to Holkins for three drinks each!_

“Cute.” You muttered. “Now, let me down!”

“Hm. I’m rather enjoying this.” He walked further forward until he was almost pressed against you. His hands pulled up your legs, winding them around his waist. It gave you a little relief. “Is this my gift scholar? You, tied up and waiting?”

“That was supposed to be your gift.” You mumbled, distracted by him. His smart jacket over the slightly unbuttoned black shirt, showing a little of his chest. The silver rings were back too. Fuck, you wanted him.

He reached for it, eyes wide with surprise and pulled at the ribbon. The wrapping fell away to reveal his present.  
“This is..” He trailed off.

“First edition of The Thorn Birds.” It wasn’t the hardest to find and not insanely expensive either, about $70. More than you could afford on a student kind of budget but.. you wanted him to have it. “Since you wanted it. I don’t know, it’s probably a stupid idea-“

“Scholar.” He stopped you, eyes still on the book in his hands. He shook his head, as if in disbelief and put it down again, his attention turning back to you.

To your surprise, and slight disappointment, he reached and unclipped you, allowing you to fall to the floor. He caught you, stumbling in your heels only slightly.

Twirling the cuffs round his fingers, Ren stuffed them into his pockets with a roguish smirk, patting the same pocket.

He leaned down, kissing you quickly, and pulled away.

“We’re going to this stupid party for an hour.” He sighed. “Then, we’re going home- and I’m fucking you whilst you wear these. Understand?”

Dark desire lay there in his eyes and you blushed, following him out his office.

The party was a surprisingly well put together event, considering it was left to the boys- but they made a good job of it, even if it was almost identical to Ushar’s birthday. Ren didn’t stand much with you, but you felt his eyes on you all evening. You watched him too- watched that slight upturn of his mouth when he found something amusing, the sparkle in his eyes as Vicrul jabbed on about something to him.

Kiana was by your side for some of it, looking fantastic in a red sheer dress but she had soon disappeared off, where you weren’t sure. Perhaps with a guy.

You had a few drinks, but tried to avoid getting too drunk. Every inch of your body buzzed in anticipation of the rest of the evening to come, you could barely focus on the conversations swirling around you.

At some point you had lost track of Ren- but there was no need to worry, as a hand grasped your waist ten minutes later, a body pressing against you from behind.

“Let’s go.” He walked off, not bothering to wait for your answer and headed straight for the door. Given the few handshakes and waves he dished out, he had already done his round of goodbyes. You craned your neck, desperately looking around for Kiana- but there was no sight of her.

Walking over to the boys, you scribbled down your number on the back of an old card you had in your purse and slapped it into Ushar’s hand.

“In case something happens with Kiana. I’m sure she’s fine, but I-“

“Gotta go, we know. She’s just _fine_ scholar.” He winked at you- she was definitely with a boy then. You kissed his cheek goodbye, thanking him for inviting you and headed off after Ren.

He was waiting for you outside, wrapped in his evening coat as the wind howled in the sky above the two of you.

It was to be a night of surprises it seemed, as he held out his hand towards you and you gently took it, your hand dwarfed inside his.

The smell of paint had thankfully dissipated from his apartment completely now. You looked around, slipping your jacket off onto the table beside sofa and your heels, which were killing your feet. Ren’s body pressed on you from behind, his hand pulling away the hair from your neck.

“Scholar.”

“Hm?” You could barely focus with his hands trailing down your neck and back up, his touch featherlike.

“Thank you.” He pressed a kiss to that space between your neck and chest, his teeth gently tugging the skin there. You stifled the whimper coming out of you and nodded, eyes fluttering shut. “For tonight..” He moved to another part of your neck and bit down, gently but firm enough that you knew it would mark. You let out a soft groan. “For the gift.” His tongue followed, licking your wounds. “For..everything.”

You knew what he meant. You turned to face him and leaned upwards, kissing him. He returned the kiss immediately, hands wasting no time as he unzipped your dress from the back and pulled it off your shoulders.

Butterflies flew around your stomach as he tugged your dress down, letting it slip to the floor and leaving you in front of him in your underwear.

“What do you want?” He looked down at you.

“Whatever you want.” You swallowed anxiously at the chuckle that came out of him.

“Scholar..”

“Tonight, just-“ You reached, fingers dusting over that spot in his shirt where his chest was. “I mean.. this is part of your gift isn’t it? So do whatever you wish.”

He reached for your chin and pulled your head up to look at him. “You’ll tell me if you feel unsafe or uncomfortable?”

You nodded.

“Good.” He stood back from you. “Kneel.”

You did so, dropping to your knees in front of him as you had done a month ago. He walked in a circle around you before stopping back in front of you again.

“Go to the bedroom.” He motioned with his head. When you attempted to stand, he stood forward and pushed you back down. “ _Crawl_ to the bedroom. Now.”

You almost objected- but you had offered yourself up on a silver platter. No backing out now.

So you crawled, almost yelling with embarrassment, towards the bedroom. He watched you go before slowly trailing behind you, boots creaking against the wooden floors behind you. You could feel the knots in your stomach, your breasts feeling heavier than before with desire.

Upon reaching his bed, you kneeled before it and kept your head down. He hummed his approval and stood behind you, bending down to one knee and unsnapping the clasp of your bra. It came off in a quick motion, thrown to one side.

When you did dare a glance up at him, you almost threw yourself at him- his eyes, heavy lidded with desire, stared down at you. His shirt, now mostly unbuttoned, revealing his pale chest.

You sat still as he wrapped something around your eyes, blindfolding you and then lifted you from your feet and onto the bed.

Laying on your back, you waited- for something. Anything. Without your eyes, the silence surrounding you was nerve-racking. But then hands, calloused hands, swarmed your thighs and pushed them apart, yanking your panties down in a swift motion.

You bit your lip in anticipation. But the hands didn’t return immediately- instead, you heard a clinking and then your hands were being stuffed into a pair of cuffs, tightened to the point where you couldn’t move them.

Ren paused for a moment- you knew he was waiting. Checking on you. You bowed your head, allowing him to continue.

And continue he did.

He hands went straight back to your thighs and he wasted no time, diving straight in with his mouth to the soft skin there. Completely blind to everything else except his hands, his mouth was a feeling like no other- you let out moan louder than you ever had before, arching your back to push your hips further onto his mouth.

He chuckled, nose skimming your cunt. “Needy..”

You were. Fuck, you were- and you didn’t care. You just wanted him stuffed inside you. His mouth made slow work down towards your cunt, teeth biting at the sensitive skin on the inside of your thighs hard enough to make you hiss in surprise.

“I couldn’t stop watching you tonight..” His fingers skimmed along the sides of you, slow, jagged lines. “I kept thinking about you pinned up like that in my office. How I was going to pin you down when we got home.”

Your hips buckled towards him again and he snickered.

Then, finally, his lips circled your clit and sucked, a finger entering your folds and pumped a few times quickly.

You cried out. “Ky-lo- _fuck!_ ”

He continued to suck, his tongue swirling in little back and forth motions at the same time. His fingers felt so fucking good, rubbing right along your walls, stretching you open.

He ran his tongue the length of your pussy. “You taste so fucking good.”

You whimpered at that, fingers gripping the sheets beneath you as your hips rocked you closer and closer to your orgasm, your cunt clenching around his hand- right as you felt yourself on that edge, before you could open your mouth to ask permission, he drew away from you and you swore at him, chest heaving.

He moved- you were sure you could hear unzipping of clothes, a drawer opening and closing. But you couldn’t be sure.

A moment later, something cool pressed against your entrance. You flinched in surprise, head lifting- but it wasn’t like you could see.

“Relax..” He muttered and slipped it inside your soaking cunt, the thing beginning to vibrate almost immediately. It shuddered against your walls and you clenched, moaning as his thumb came up and began to rub you again.

Your body shuddered, legs twitching, as Ren stroked your clit, fucking you with the vibrator in long strokes. You could feel his erection twitching by your thigh and he placed the vibrator deep inside of you, taking his hand away.

Imaging him stroking his own cock only brought you closer to your edge and you moaned, hands shuffling in their cuffs.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He hissed. He was definitely stroking himself- you could feel the movement beside your leg.

“Please.” You begged him, to no avail.

Fireworks began to erupt inside your brain as you teetered dangerously close again to your orgasm. But once again, Ren reached and ripped the vibrator out of you.

“No!” You almost sat up until a hand clasped around your throat, forcing you back down onto the pillow below you. “Prick!”  
He snickered. “Angry, scholar?”

Tears prickled in your eyes. Two ruined orgasms- you really, truly hated him. He squeezed your neck harder, fingers pinching your skin hard enough to bruise. You were going to look like you’d been beaten tomorrow.

“Come on now, quieten down.” He soothed you, running a possessive hand in circles over your stomach and back down to your trembling cunt in a way that had you whimpering. With one hand on your stomach and the other on your back, he flipped you over so your face was stuffed into the pillow below you.

The vibrator appeared back, it’s cool edges slipping inside your throbbing pussy and beginning to vibrate again. Ren slipped it out of you, rubbing it against your clit, and slipping it back in again. He did this a few more times until you were crying out, already terrified he was going to ruin a third orgasm for you. He reached forward as you began to clench around him and pulled your hair back, almost snapping your back in half.

Right as you reached the crest of your orgasm, he pulled the vibrator out- and slammed his dick in its place. You screamed as the waves of it rolled over you stronger than they ever had before, rendering you completely paralysed beneath him as he began to thrust inside of you with steady, even strokes allowing you to adjust to him after weeks without him, adjust to his thickness. Inch after inch filled you until you could take no more.

“You feel so fucking good.” He hissed as he stopped moving, yanking your hair back further, fingers almost grasping your skull.

You just moaned in reply and moved backwards, desperate for more.

“This is all I’ve wanted-“ He pulled out slowly. “For weeks. All I’ve thought about.” Back in, just as slowly. You panted, short breaths coming through your nose. “Do you even know what you to do me scholar?”

You dug your hands into the pillow, almost ripping the material as he moved agonisingly slowly inside of you.

“I hate when you’re gone-“ Out again. “but I can’t think when you’re around. I can’t think of anything except that mouth of yours.” In again.

You let out a broken mewl, crying out and he hummed your name in approval.

“I’m losing control scholar.”

In.

“And I don’t care.”

At that, he seated himself right on the edge of your cunt- ready to take the plunge. You waited, fingers clenching the pillow beneath you.

“I don’t fucking care.”

Kylo completely let go, thrusting deep and fast and unrelenting into you. You cried out, finally, _finally_ \- but no sounds came back, your head pushing down into the bed beneath you.

There was no feeling in the world that compared to this, to him.

Right as you felt that release shifting down, he slapped into you over and over. You cried out and clenched around him, cumming again- he yanked you by the hair up and up so you were almost sitting on him.

He kept his thrusts steady into you and kissed you. One hand in your hair, the other rubbing your clit in quick circles- so quickly that you weren’t sure where on orgasm started and another began, the two meshing together in a way that had your body go completely limp on top of him. The only thing holding you up was his own body, his dick thrusting in and out of you.

Too much- you were too overstimulated, your body jerking with the feeling of it. So, you broke the kiss and shifted off him. He growled in disapproval but you turned quickly, catching his hands and pushing him backwards as best you could- you were still blind and cuffed.

He went without much argument. You managed to straddle him eventually, with some assistance. Every inch of him felt more exquisite like this, shifting far deeper inside you than before.

You shuddered on top of him, still recovering- but you moved your hips up and down, fingers interlocking with his as he gave you his hands for support. You bounced on top of him, mouth open in an _o_ as you fucked him.

Fingers bruised against your cheeks and then- you could finally see again. See that beautiful face of his, sweating and panting, watching where the two of you interlocked.

“So- fucking-good.” He slammed his head back against the bed with a pant and you felt encouraged, riding him harder.

“You like that?”

His eyes met yours, glinting with encouragement and he nodded slowly. You grasped his hands tighter and let out another broken moan as his own hips began to move with yours, your bodies slapping together.

“Fuck me.” You stared down at him. “Fuck me, _harder_ Ren. Is that all you’ve got?”

It certainly wasn’t. He let go of your cuffed hands, which were forced to brace on his chest, and placed them on your hips. Adjusting his knees slightly, he moved so he was able to fuck better- and started a punishable pace that even you couldn’t keep up with, crying out on top of him.

Your nails dug into the same spot they had last time, scratching down his chest and he groaned, bringing one of these hands to your face and pinching your cheeks hard.

He stuck his thumb into your mouth and you sucked, eyes closing as you listened to his groans, the rest of his hand clenching your face even tighter.

You were close again- as was he. You could feel it. But you wanted him to go first for once, despite you already finishing three times already.

So you dug your nails in painfully hard, enough to make him hiss and shifted your legs so your hips moved even faster. You twisted around the tip of his dick, right around the head.

He called out your name and as you moved downwards again, his hands grabbed you and slammed you onto him, filling you with his seed. The feeling of it shifting around made you shudder, your own mini orgasm flowing through you as you sat breathless on top of you.

Neither of you moved for a while. Ren’s hands gently stroked your thighs and you just focused on inhaling, trying to rid the stars and dots from your vision.

Eventually Ren sat up and lifted you off him. Your legs felt too weak to even move up the bed, never mind walk.

He un-cuffed you and you winced at the sores there, raw red marks. Barely registering he was pulling a shirt over your head, you blinked up at him before he walked off. You managed to lift yourself up on trembling legs and practically limped to the bathroom. Luckily Ren had disappeared through to the kitchen for something, so he didn’t have to watch your sorry state. You quickly wiped yourself down and washed your face, noticing the marks on your neck, your thighs. A problem for tomorrow.

Hobbling into the bedroom, he was unfortunately back and waiting for you on the bed with his own nightclothes on. The corner of his lip twitched as he watched you stumble towards him, hands catching you and lifting you onto the bed.

You watched with an open mouth as he opened a tube of something and started to rub your wrists carefully

“Are you going to be gone all of Christmas?” He asked you, breaking the silence. You blinked.

“I don’t have definite plans but..yes, mostly.” You watched his thumbs rub soothing circles over the sores. “Why?”

“What about New Year?”

“No current plans.” You shrugged.

He stood, throwing the cream into the drawer beside your side of the bed before walking around and getting into his own side. Only when he had adjusted himself and switched the lights off did he speak again.

“Come back for New Year.”

You sighed. “Why do you always wait until we’re in the dark to ask me stuff. Or tell me stuff?”

A moment of silence, then- “I don’t have to see your face.”

You could’ve taken that badly, but you understood what he meant. He didn’t have to watch your face as he told you things he found difficult, personal things. He was scared of the look in your eyes, the possible rejection.

Unfortunately, you were not the kind of girl that he could get away with doing that. You reached and yanked the light switch beside you. He was glowering at you but you didn’t care.

“Are you asking me to spend New Year with you?”  
He rolled his eyes. “I’m telling you, really.”

You reached and try to ignore his slight flinch as you softly grasped his chin, forcing him to meet your eyes. “I would like that.”

His stare made you feel like nothing else in the world mattered- and maybe it didn’t. Maybe all you needed was him, this room, this bed.

“Okay.” He watched you reach and turn the lights off again.

His hands pulled you towards him again, head pressing against your chest as you tucked your arm underneath his head.

“Okay.” You whispered and fell asleep in his arms, more soundly than you had in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi!
> 
> i was so excited about this chapter so I hope it wasn't a let down in any way. Kind of pushing my comfort zone with writing here as I honestly don't feel like smut is my strong suit, but I really hope you guys enjoyed it.
> 
> I'm aware Ren's birthday isn't exactly canon but I hope you guys don't mind lol. For the sake of the fic, YOUR birthday will be in about two or three months from then...... get ready lol 
> 
> As always, let me know your thoughts and PLEASE let me know any ideas you'd have/want to see happen for another fic! Or even something in this fic!
> 
> X


	15. NEW YEAR, NEW ME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's xmas & NY. 
> 
> Not a lot of smut but quite....fluffy.....somehow........quite fluffy indeed....
> 
> am i ok?

“Ah! Ren!”

Kylo turned as his boss, Professor Zander approached him a hurried speed. He hated it when he called him Ren. Only scholar ever really called him that.

He finished locking his office, stuffing the keys into his coat before turning to the small, balding man who was inches shorter than him. He was certainly getting into his old age now- a few years from now and he’d be ready to retire. Then head of department would be up for grabs.

Not that it was something Kylo was even considering. Sure, he liked to be in charge- but staying in this town forever just wasn’t appealing to him. Not in the slightest. This was only supposed to his job for a few years, then he could take off and go anywhere he wanted.

“I just wanted to congratulate you.” Zander slapped his hand into Kylo’s in a firm handshake, offering a condescending smile along with it.

“On?”

“Well, I just finished reviewing your exam markings. Your students did a terrific job, a few of them have shown real improvements over the year. You should be proud.”

He was- but he certainly wasn’t going to show it to this idiot.

“Thank you, sir.”  
“No, no, thank you.” He turned, walking in time with him towards the exit. “We weren’t entirely sure about hiring you, given you were a student here and not an easy one to teach.” He threw him a sheepish smile. “But a good thing we did eh? Have a good break.”

He disappeared off and out into the snow, doing a strange half sprint across the car park.

Christmas break was finally here. It had started last Friday, technically, but Kylo had come in for one last day to get some peace and quiet to mark. The guys were already camping out at his apartment, beers a plenty and he wanted some time alone.

Scholar had left today to go home. She had texted him to say she’d reached the airport, like he’d asked her to the other night, and that she would see him at New Year.

He was counting down the hours.

Kylo tried to convince himself it was because of the sex- the intensity of this thing between them was messing with his mind, making him crazier than usual.

But he knew it wasn’t the truth. It wasn’t something he fully wanted to deal with. Not yet.

He knew he would have to, sooner or later. Someone like scholar wasn’t going to stick around forever and letting her go..

It wasn’t an option for consideration. Not yet. 

Christmas Eve arrived the next day. Kylo sat on his bed, phone dangling in his fingers as he stared down at the screen. Everyone was waiting for him, ready to leave and head out to another party in the city.

He had debated with himself since he woke up this morning wether or not to do this. Now, he was sitting here still unsure.

Kylo wondered what it was like, to be normal. To be able to pick up the phone to your family and talk to them. Listen about their days, tell them about yours. To know they would love you no matter what you did, no matter what the rest of the world thought of you. That they’d put your needs above all else..

The trembling in his hands disgusted him. He picked up the phone, clicking dial and listened to the ringing tone.

He was being pathetic. It was just a phone call. Two minutes of his life and then he could just move forward, stop being so-

“Hello?”

Kylo froze.

“Hello?” The voice croaked again. Paused. “Is anyone there?”

 _Me, me, me_ his brain screamed- but no words would come out of his mouth. Not a single one, no matter how hard he tried to form them.

For the first time in years, Kylo Ren was terrified.

Terrified of her. Terrified he was going to reform into something that didn’t look like him- into Ben. Into a coward.

“Ben?” The voice was so soothing- so much, that he almost gave in right there and replied.

Almost forgot all the pain and suffering that voice had caused him, had put him through. The sleepless nights, the fears, the anger.

But that was Ben Solo- not Kylo Ren. He would never be that boy again, never love that voice again as he once had.

The owner of that voice had almost destroyed him and he had built everything from the ground himself. Everything he had was his, without any of their help.

They would never control him again.

He hung up the phone without another word, tossing it onto the bed beside him.

Christmas flew by quickly with ease. For the first time in months, Kylo wasn’t as angry as he usually was at this time of year, choosing to spend it in complete solitude. He wasn’t exactly happy either. He was just..neutral. Calm.

His friends certainly seemed jovial- but that could be the ounces of booze they were slamming into their bodies each night, sleeping off the hangovers all day.

To his surprise, Ushar actually made a Christmas dinner for them all, complete with all the trimmings- usually they ordered food in, so where this strange domestic-ness had come from, he wasn’t sure. But no complaints were found from any of them as they dug in.

The presents were surprisingly decent as well. It was secret santa, which they all hated organising but it meant they only had to buy one gift instead of five each. One year, when they had all been broke, they had gotten each other socks. Just socks. It was almost pointless, but it was the act of giving said gift he supposed.

Vicrul had gotten him a new watch, engraved with a little notebook on the back of it. Ren himself had gotten Trudgen two gift certificates to a bungee jump, which he’d been speaking about doing for some time now. He’d made sure to include in the card that he would _not_ be taking the other certificate.

The evening had eventually wound down into stupid games- currently, darts. Aiming at each others hands. Not exactly his kind of scene, but enjoyable to watch the rest of them hiss in pain whenever they missed.

Kylo’s phone began to ring which was unusual considering everyone that would call him was right here. He glanced down at the user ID and almost found himself smiling, excusing himself from the game and into the bedroom.

“Hello?”

“Hi-uh- sorry. Are you busy?”

Scholar. She sounded..stressed.

“Not at all.”

“I just..uh- Merry Christmas.”

Kylo bit down on his smile. “Merry Christmas scholar. Are you not at some party or something right now?”

“Oh I’m supposed to be.” He could hear the wind in the background of wherever she was. Outside, perhaps. He frowned. “I’m kind of..hiding on the roof.”

“The _roof?”_

“I have a balcony attached to my room..it connects to the roof. Look, long story short I’m on my roof and it’s Christmas and I don’t know, I just-“ She sighed.

_Just needed someone to talk to._

That someone was him.

He could’ve punched himself for the way his heart flipped over.

“So, the party isn’t going well I take it?”

“I didn’t mind it at first, you know? Then my mother put me in this hideous bodega gown and my god, I look ridiculous. Then her friends do their usual rounds of ‘oh, _that_ degree? I thought you were so smart..’ and ‘oh, you’re funnier than I expected!’ And oh, oh my personal favourite of the night had to be ‘I think it’s fantastic you don’t care what anyone in this town thinks of you, _clearly_.’ I mean, what the hell is my mother saying about me?”

Kylo broke and smiled.

“I mean christ.” She let out a long breath. “I’m sorry, I’m ranting. I’m _sorry_ , this is-“

“It’s fine scholar.” He interrupted, listening to her let out another rattling sigh. She sounded.. sad. He hated it.

“How’s your Christmas going?”

Kylo glanced out the door, noting Ushar line in the front of the target board. “I can’t complain. A trip to the ER seems imminent but other than that..”

“The boys?” Kylo huffed, confirming, and she laughed. He felt his stomach twist listening to it. He hated thinking about her there, trapped with her mother and father. Why hadn’t he asked her to stay for Christmas?

Probably because he knew she’d have to say no and go to her parents anyway. But the soaring of his heart when she told him she’d come for new year was better than any high he’d ever felt, any drink or drug.

He was certainly having withdrawals from her, that was for sure.

“Would it make you feel better to know one of my aunts from my dads side tried to set me up with a cousin from my moms side unwittingly?”

No. Not at all- the fact she was there being pimped out whilst he was here did nothing but make him angry, thinking of some guy drooling all over her.

But why wouldn’t they try and set her up with someone? She wasn’t taken. She wasn’t his.

“Slightly.” He lied.

“Oh god, I can hear my mother in my room. Better go before she pushes me off and cites suicide.” He could hear her breathy laugh, something in the background crashing as she slid off the roof with a swear. “I’ll uh, see you Thursday right?”

Thursday. He had forgotten for a second that he was going to pick her up- had offered himself up, despite her friends protests to get her themselves. He wanted to see her the moment she touched down.

“Good luck with your mother.”

“Hey-“ He paused, his finger on the end call button. “I’m counting the days you know. This madhouse is killing me.”

Kylo snorted. “See you then scholar.”

A few days later, it finally rolled around to Thursday. Vicrul was the only one awake as Kylo collected his car keys and jacket in his hand. The others were still asleep.

“Where you heading?”

“Airport.”

Vicrul frowned. “Are you going somewhere?“

“No, I’m..picking up scholar. For the party tonight.”

“Oh.” He paused. “I didn’t realise she was coming.”

“I invited her.”

Something about her seemed to make Vicrul uncomfortable. Kylo had noticed- he would’ve been stupid not to. But it wasn’t that Vicrul didn’t like her- in fact it was probably because he _did_ like her and she had rejected him.

But that wasn’t all. As much as Vicrul was his best friend, Kylo knew he thought this thing between the two of them was a bad idea and it had nothing to do with his job or her position as a student.

“You’re being careful? Aren’t you?” He asked, standing up beside him. He was only an inch or so shorter than him, something he often forgot. He was so used to towering over everybody.

Kylo gripped the door handle. “Is it any of your business?”  
“It’s not just about her-“ Vicrul sighed. “I don’t want you getting attached to someone who’s going to be up and leaving in a few months. I don’t want you to lose focus- you’ve worked hard to move on.. I don’t want you to back to where you were.”

He knew what he meant.

At first when he had left home, Kylo was just angry. All the time. He never really slept or ate. Did nothing that was good for him. But he forced himself to get better. To finish college and actually do some hard work- since then, he had been perfectly in control of everything.

Until scholar. She seemed to be dismantling his facade very quickly without even trying and he hated it.

He hated that they could all see it too.  
“She’s a really nice girl Kylo. Really nice.” He muttered.

“Thin ice Vic.” Ren snapped at him.

But Vicrul just turned away from him whilst rolling his eyes. “All I’m saying is be careful. Don’t hurt her- or yourself in the process.”

He disappeared back into the house before Kylo could say anything else.

Stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets, Kylo kept his eyes trained on the sliding double doors where scholar should appear any moment now. Her flight landed ten minutes ago, quicker than it should have.

Shamefully, he was here early anyway. He’d been eager to get out the house and away from all of the guys, who were completely crowding his space. He didn’t want to spend any more time away from her, but taking her back there to stay..

Scholar did have her own apartment that she may want to go to. She might not even have considered staying with him over New Year.

The thought sat sourly in his mouth.

The doors slid open again with another stream of people, all spreading out in different directions.

Scholar’s friend was also already back- he knew this, because she’d snuck in last night to see one of his friends and he’d caught her, unfortunately for both of them. An extremely uncomfortable moment.

She had begged him not to mention it and he wouldn’t, for now. It was hardly something he wanted to give any time of day too.

Besides, he had too much on his mind anyway. The phone call with his mother, what Vicrul had said to him..his mind felt like it was having a meltdown, all of the thoughts swirling and becoming a never ending vortex of pain.

Luckily for him, the antidote to this particular pain broke through the crowds just moments later with a beaming smile, beelining for him.

She looked nervous, clutching the bag over her shoulder with both her hands but relieved too- likely just happy to be away from her family.

“I never thought I’d be so glad to see you _professor_.” She teased as she arrived by his side, still smiling.

Kylo just shook his head, lifting the bag from her shoulder and started to walk out towards the parking lot. But he reached back for her and she slipped her hand in his, squeezing tightly.

She spoke of the party and her mother and father during the ride home, barely taking a breath the entire way there. He wondered if she was just desperately trying to fill any chance of silence between them, but listened anyway.

She’d seen none of her hometown friends since she’d been there such a short time but she did discover she could still climb down her drainpipe in fifteen seconds- her high school record.

Kylo snorted, pulling into her apartment parking lot and she frowned.

“I’m..”

“Everyone is at my apartment. All of them.” He explained.

“Ah.” She grabbed her bag and glanced over at him, towards the building, and back. “You wanna come in?”

“To your apartment?”  
She nodded. “You look like you could use a break from them. Besides, I need to unpack and get ready for the party..”

The way she trailed off, eyes darting towards his mouth, had his blood heating and he nodded, turning the car off. Grabbing her case from the boot, Kylo dragged it behind him towards the complex and followed her inside.

It was much shabbier than his apartment block- but it was expected from a student. Even her hallway seemed a little drab. Colourless. He was surprised. Scholar didn’t seem like the type not to deco-

Ah.

Her room, unlike the rest of the place, was a burst of colour, every wall crammed with a hundred different things. Plants, photos, a film colour wall, mirrors, posters, lights.

Kylo’s eyes could barely take it all in as he placed her case beside the window which looked out onto the communal gardens, coated in snow.

Scholar shuffled behind him, turning the multitude of lights she had strung around the room on and Kylo huffed.

“How you haven’t had a fire yet, I have no idea.” His eyes followed the trails of them, draping around her bed.

“Me either. But they’re pretty.” She shrugged and reached out to tug at some.

They weren’t the only thing, he thought as he watched her. She had a fresh glow to her face from the cold outside, her cheeks warm. Her body was hidden underneath all the layers of her clothes, but her eyes gleamed at him in the low lit room and he almost pinned her down right there.

“So, your Christmas was okay?”

She had already asked him that the other day, but he wasn’t in the mood to annoy her.

“Fine. Nothing exciting.” He slipped his coat off, throwing it onto the chair beside her desk, also littered with supplies and pictures and took a seat beside her on the bed.

It was no comparison to his- a shitty, creaky mattress that felt it was going to split in half the second he sat down. It was small width wise as well.

Scholar smiled awkwardly as she watched him settle back against the wall, his back pressed against some lights before looking over at her.

“You..see any family?”

She was treading around her questions carefully, but was still being blatantly obvious.

“Nope.”

“Lucky boy.”

He huffed a laugh and watched as she inched a little closer to him, sitting on her knees in front of him with an innocent stare. Fuck, he wanted to touch her.

But this bed was definitely not ideal. He figured the boards beneath them would snap as soon as he moved. Besides, he wasn’t sure if her roommates were home or not and whilst he didn’t exactly care about an audience, there was still some lines he couldn’t quite cross as her professor- and fucking her loud enough for them to hear was definitely striding right over one.

Kylo decided to save her the awkward shuffling and held a hand out, which she took immediately. He tugged, allowing her to follow his hand and straddle his lap. The feeling of her legs clamped around his, her chest pressing against him as she adjusted.. he was rethinking his earlier protests.

She sat back from him a little, her hand moving towards his face before pausing, pulling away. She absentmindedly played with a button on his shirt instead.

He sighed. “I.. phoned my mother.”

Why he told her that, he wasn’t sure. It just kind of slipped out.

She seemed surprised- but didn’t immediately question him. She just let her hands drift down to his neck and rest on either side of it. “Oh?”

“I.. didn’t speak to her.” He confessed. “I couldn’t.”

“You tried. That’s what mattered.” She ran a thumb down and around his neck, stopping right where his pulse was. Could she hear his heart hammering in his chest? Hear what she was doing to him?

What the hell _was_ she doing to him? What was he doing here? He knew better than to let people in, to let someone like her in- Vic was right. She was finishing school and then what? Just like everyone else, she’d up and leave.

“What’s your favourite colour?” She asked. It was so random Kylo balked, almost laughing right in her face.  
“What?”

“I just..” She looked down at her hands which were now cradled on his lap. “I feel like I know nothing about you and we do have time to kill..”

That they did. Not how he’d like to spend his time alone with her but..

“Black.”

She rolled her eyes. “Of course it is.” After a moment, she poked his arm. “Come on. Ask me something.”

“You’re very annoying.”

She smiled again. “I know.”

Kylo leaned his head against the wall behind him and examined her, sitting on top of him. “What are you doing when you finish school?”

“Jeez, you couldn’t have asked my favourite film?”

“What’s your favourite film?”

“No clue.” She chuckled. “I.. don’t know about school. I’m thinking about taking a post-grad course but..I’m not sure.”

A small light of hope struck up inside his withering, dead heart.

“Post-graduate course? Here?”

“Journalism maybe, or media studies. Just a year or so..” She looked off towards the corner of her room, eyes studying the posters plastered there. “I don’t know. I always just said I was going to finish college and then just run away. See the world and finish school later.”

“So why not?”

“I have things to consider. My future, a career, what I really want.” She met his stare again. “Have you ever wanted to do it? Just up and leave? Throw your phone in the ocean, only take a backpack..”

“Every day.”

She blinked. “What stopped you?”

“Like you said- things to consider. My future.” He paused, reaching to pull a piece of hair away from her face. “What I really want.”

“And what is it you really want?”

Nobody had asked him such a question perhaps ever.

“I wanted to be here for a year and then go. That was the plan but.. I stayed another year this year and I’ve just signed on for another two. I can’t seem to move forward no matter how hard I try.”

He could feel his insides crumpling at this conversation, screaming at him to stop, to shut his mouth.

But it was just honesty. She was honest and good and it made that cloudy, dark part of his mind breathable again. Just for a moment.

“I feel so lost. Like everyone has plans and hopes..I have nothing planned. I don’t think about my future, not really.” She sighed. “The only time I ever really feel normal anymore is-“

Scholar stopped and cleared her throat. Kylo waited for whatever she was going to say- but a part of him already knew. Knew why she had stopped too.

“Everyone else has this career plan and all I want is a shitty one bedroom apartment in a small foreign town where I can read all day and work occasionally. Is that so much to ask for?” She rolled her eyes. “Oh god, I sound like one of those ‘i’m not like other girls’ girls don’t I? Like I’m the only one who’s thinking that. I’m sure a hundred people would kill for that too- it’s just that so many of them have backups cause they know it’s not a reality but..I want it. I want it to be my reality. Why can’t I have it? Why do I have to have a backup?”

“Who says you can’t?”

“Oh god, everybody. My parents, friends, _society_ -“

“Well, screw them.” He tilted her chin down to look at him. “Screw what they think. Do whatever makes you happy scholar.”

“What about you?”

“What about _me_?”

“What makes you happy Ren?”

Not many things, not many things at all- perhaps once upon a time, he could’ve listed hundreds of things. But they had whittled away over the years, became tainted by his parents or others who had left him.

Kylo thought of his chest, tightening immeasurably when he saw her in the airport. His anger with her parents, her friends- anyone who hurt her. Her laugh.

“I’m working on that.” He told her instead, settling for the easier answer. Much easier than explaining to her that in his own personal world of darkness, she was his only guiding light out, a bright blazing fire.

But he was petrified she was going to up and leave him in the darkness again. So he wouldn’t allow himself too close to her, for fear of being burned.

She leaned down and kissed him, her hands reaching up and tangling in his hair, her hips rolling into him.

Perhaps they could burn together.

The New Years party was being held at a friend of Kuruk’s. She lived on the east side of town, in the wealthy area and her house was enormous.

It wasn’t something Kylo could say he was particularly taken with. He hated the idea of coming home to endless empty rooms, too much space to know what to do with.

Scholar’s eyes were wide as she took in the house, climbing the stairs behind him with a huff. Her heels were certainly doing her a favour, making her legs look endlessly long in that dress- but they weren’t helping her get up the endless driveway.

She looked.. beautiful. As she always did. The waves of her hair framing her face, her lips painted a soft pink. Her dress was in it’s own league too, clinging to every hollow- even his friends had taken a few appreciative glances at her when she arrived despite his glares towards them.

“She lives here _alone_?” She asked the group as she finally caught up to them all. Her friend, Kiana, was right beside her with a steadying hand. No sign of Ushar’s girlfriend- it seems she hadn’t come home to see him after all. He didn’t seem too upset but then again, he’d always been good at hiding how he felt.

“She certainly does.” Kuruk wriggled his eyebrows at her and headed straight for the door, chapping twice loudly. The rest of the group followed suit.

A woman, perhaps a year or so older than them, opened the door with a welcoming grin and beckoned them into a house. From the way Kuruk kissed her, perhaps he knew her much better than he had let on.

“I’m Joan.” She introduced herself as they hung their coats away. “Just have fun! I’m sure I’ll see you around later.”

Crowds were milling all around them, the house stuffed full of people. Exactly the kind of thing Kylo hated- but he would stay. For now.

Scholar shot him an apologetic glance as Kiana twisted her arm in hers and dragged her towards one of the champagne fountains in a different room.

Ushar disappeared off in the direction of another bar and Kylo followed him, weaving around the warm bodies filling the room.

Joan had certainly gone all out- champagne fountains, gold streamers strewn everywhere, balloons, waiters, music blaring. It was the kind of party that just looked expensive.

Ushar ordered a drink for himself upon reaching the bar and spotting Kylo behind him, ordered one for him too.

Ren leant against the bar beside him. “No girlfriend tonight?”

Ushar shook his head. Took a very long sip of his drink. “I uh.. broke up with her.”

“What?” That was unexpected. He had seemed happy with her, happier than he had been in a long time too.

“It just wasn’t the right fit.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh, bullshit.”

“Kylo, it’s not something-“ Ushar started, but he cut him off immediately.

“Just tell me the truth and I’ll drop it.”

“Why should I?” Ushar narrowed his eyes at him. “How about you tell me the truth and then I’ll go?”

“What are you talking about?”  
“Scholar.” He felt his hand tighten around the drink in his hand. “I heard what Vicrul said to you this morning. What _are_ you doing with her?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“Actually, it is. Rey _hated_ you- you know that, right? Because she felt you were using her friend and I was allowing it.” Ushar downed his drink. “I broke up with her because I hated how she spoke about you and about scholar. But if she wasn’t so terrified you were going to hurt her friend..who knows where it might have gone?”

“That isn’t my problem or fault.”

“But maybe she’s right. She’s your student- and I _like_ her. She’s pretty damn great and the way you’re stringing her on-“

“For someone who broke up with his girlfriend for speaking the way she did, you sure sound a lot like her.” Kylo snapped. “Why is everyone so convinced I’m using her?”

Ushar’s nostrils flared. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you aren’t. Because you have never been with someone like this.. and yet, she’s not your girlfriend, it’s not like you’re exactly dating-“

“I’m-“

“Look at the way she looks at you- she might pretend this is..whatever she thinks it is. But she shoots down anyone who isn’t you, I mean she shot down Vic two weeks into whatever this thing with you was, she lets you meet her family, finds ways to spend time with you-“

“Ushar, enough-“

“I love Rey. I _love_ her- and I have lost her because of _you_.” Something in his friends eyes seemed to cripple before him. Some wall the two of them had always had between them. He turned to leave, pausing as if waiting for him to say nothing- but Kylo had nothing to say, nothing that wouldn’t damn his soul.

Ushar walked off, leaving him alone at the bar.

The rest of the party passed by without much of a drama. Scholar danced with her friend, chatted with a few guests, milled nearby to him. Kylo stayed with Ap’lek for most of the night who seemed quite content to drink himself into quite the heavy stupor, as if something was bothering him too- but he knew better than to ask. If anyone was more reserved than him, it was Ap’lek and to ask him how he was feeling was suicide.

Besides, Kylo wasn’t in the mood to talk anyway.

He eventually lost sight of scholar and drifted off aimlessly, half trying to find her, half just trying to find some peace and quiet. Parties weren’t particularly his thing- he was just hanging around until midnight and he’d be in the first cab out of here.

Managing to find a bedroom with an ensuite was his first score of the night and after washing his hands, he slipped out and noticed the terrace to his right. Kylo glanced around before heading out onto it, watching the crowd below.

Everyone was gathered in the back gardens to watch the fireworks go off at midnight, drinking and dancing around the pool. He could see someone falling in that in less than ten minutes. Perhaps even five.

Kylo sighed. At the beginning of last year, he’d promised himself he’d get his head clear this year- a resolution. Figure out a plan of where he was going and what he was doing. It had all been going so well until _she_ had walked into his classroom. Now he was just as lost as before, if not more so.

“You look.. thoughtful.”

His attention was drawn to beside him, where scholar had appeared out of nowhere- how she’d found him, he wasn’t sure.

“No Kiana?”

“I ditched her with Ap’lek. She seemed to be having a very intense discussion with him.” At that, Kylo just nodded. Scholar narrowed her eyes at him. “Do you know something?”

“No.”

“ _Ren_.”

“ _Scholar_.” He mocked.

“You don’t know a thing about it?”

“I couldn’t say.” He watched as she slapped his chest softly, tutting in annoyance at him- but she stepped closer to him, her hands gripping the railing and eyes travelling down to the dancing crowds. She hummed quietly to herself, watching the people move and sway. Kylo just wanted the simple pleasure of just watching her for a few moments- but she met his glance after a few seconds.

“What are you thinking about?”

“Resolutions.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Nice. Mine is to have sex with less professors next year- it’s kind of been a problem this year..”

“Very funny.”

She nudged his shoulder with a grin. “Oh come on!” She leant on the railing with one arm, turning her body to face his. “Tell me your resolution.”

“I haven’t quite worked it out yet.” It was the truth.

“Be nicer to your students?” She pursed her lips. “Paint over that damn mark in your apartment wall, which I am mortified about-“

He almost smiled at that. He hadn’t bothered to cover it up, the outline of her body on the wall of his sitting room. Everyone knew who it was, but didn’t dare say anything about it in front of him- clearly they had teased her about it.

The clock downstairs struck three minutes to midnight and everybody cheered, the music blaring even louder now as the last few minutes of the year approached.

Kylo swallowed as scholar ran a hand down his jacket, tugging at the top of it and as she noticed his throat bob, she smiled teasingly.  
“Do I make you nervous?”

She was only echoing his previous words- but yes, fuck, yes she did. If Ushar had stood beside him a moment longer at the bar, that’s exactly what he would’ve told him.

That she terrified him. That the thought of her leaving was terrifying. That scholar was like nobody else in the entire world and if he let her in and she left him, he would never recover. Nothing in the world would ever replace the piece of his soul she’d take with her.

_10…9…8_

She kept her eyes on his as the countdown continued, taking them into the new year.

_7…6…5_

He took another step closer to her.

_4…3…2…1!_

“Happy New Year!” The crowds cheered, confetti firing from nearby and raining down on them all, balloons being kicked about from everywhere, guests jumping into the pool with a splash.

Scholar laughed and reached her hand out to grab some before turning back to him, her eyes bright and happy. He’d never seen something so beautiful.

“Happy New Year Ren- you know, maybe this year-“

“Scholar.”

“Hm?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

He bent down and kissed her, his hands holding her face. She kissed him back, hard. He felt her melt into him, felt the smile on her lips as she wound her arms around his neck.

Kylo realised then, that all of his worrying was useless. It meant nothing- because despite his hopes, despite being terrified that she would run off with that piece of his soul it was all completely pointless.

Because she already had- it was already hers and had left him long ago.

He belonged completely to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh hi im back again like, ridiculously fast. I just have like 100000 chapters ready to go lol and i hate seeing them sitting there ready so, here ya go.
> 
> Enjoy guys. Sorry for the lack of smut, will make up for it next chap w some rough Ren.


	16. GAMES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some heavier smut coming so this is a little more lighthearted lol enjoy

Crisp, fresh snow rained down onto the pavement outside. You watched it fall, your body pressed against the window with a steaming mug of coffee in your hand.

Kiana yawned, taking a seat in front of you as she glanced out at it, blinking sleepily.

“First day of the last term _ever_ , maybe.” She let out a long sigh, stretching her arms out. “Are you excited?”

“Not for the mountain of a dissertation I have to do but otherwise.. yeah.” You took a sip of your coffee.

“I’d be excited if I was screwing my professor for a second term.”

You softly kicked her leg, the two of you giggling. She leaned back against the wall, pulling her braids onto her shoulder.

“I took his class again for educational purposes.”

“Yeah okay.” She rolled her eyes. “I cannot believe I let you rope me into a second term of Ren. I barely stomached the first.”

“He’s not so bad.”

“I’m sure if he was shoving his dick inside me, I’d say the same.”

“Kiana!”

“It’s true.” Her eyes drifted to your bag of things, strewn over her couch. “Are you going home tonight?”

You frowned, looking back out the window. “I probably have to. I guess I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

“Never. I love having you here.. I just feel bad you spend so much time on the couch is all. Couldn’t professor sexy put you up?”

“No way in hell. It’s a one bedroom as well and..just no. We’re not there.”

Kiana put her hands up. “Alright, alright.” She paused. “Have you seen either of the estranged roommates since they got back?”

“Nope.”

They had been gone the entirety of Christmas and New Year. You’d heard from Ren that Rey and Ushar had ended things, but why he wouldn’t say- Ushar hadn’t told him apparently. You had felt guilty for not messaging her about it, but you figured if she was home tonight you’d try and corner her.

“I hate how they treat you.” Kiana frowned at you but you only offered a shrug in reply. She’d have to join the club- Ren wasn’t particularly enthralled with either of them either despite this being partially to do with him. You suspected he knew more about the break up than he was letting on.

“I have to go.” You dusted yourself off. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow?”

“I’ll see you then.” She watched you collect your things. “Try not to fall out with Ren on the first day like you did last term. I want a nice peaceful class!”

No promises there.

Teeth chattering, you slammed the front door behind you with a huff and practically sprinted to your room. A blizzard had decided to start on your way home and your coat, boots and jeans were soaked through.

You quickly stripped off and into your pj’s, throwing the wet clothes into your washing basket. All you could think about was the steaming bowl of pasta you were about to make, your stomach growling at the thought.

Today had been madness. The first day always was- a hundred books to pick up and finding the library, finding all the new classrooms, teachers. It was all in one department, luckily for you, but a hassle all the same.

Voices filtered through the apartment as you approached the kitchen and you froze as you went to push the door open. Your friends were home then. If you could still call them that.

You went in despite the fear in your stomach, grimacing as both of their smiles disappeared upon seeing you. Both were sitting at the kitchen table, feet propped onto the chairs in front of them with a bowls of food in front of them.

Suddenly, you just felt so damn lonely. You knew you had Kiana and Ren and his friends, but.. you missed them. You missed being a part of the trio and seeing Poe and taco thursdays.

“How was your Christmas?” Finn was the first to break the silence.

You were grateful, shooting him the tiniest of smiles. “Uh..okay. The usual- you know what my mom is like.”

Guilt flashed in both of their eyes. Rey may not have parents, but Finn did and they were the loveliest people you’d ever had the pleasure of meeting. She’d probably been there with him at Christmas, eating and dancing and drinking.

You had done the same of course. Just alone, on the brink of tears for most of the holiday. Or extremely drunk.

“Is your dad okay?” Rey asked you quietly. You blinked in surprise.

“He’s fine. Recovering like a champ- years of my mother has certainly set him up to deal with stress well.”

The two of them huffed a laugh and for a moment, you wondered if it would all be okay again. If this was going to go back to normal.

You moved, filling up one of the pots from the cupboard with water and setting it on the stove to boil.

“What did you do over New Year?” Finn asked you.

You turned slowly to face them. “I was..with Ren. Kiana too actually and uh, Ren’s friends.”

“Ushar was there?” Rey asked, quiet.

“He was. I’m..sorry. About the two of you.” You grabbed some of your things out the cupboard behind you.

Her eyes flared with anger as she looked up at you turning back to face them. “He dumped me because of _your_ boyfriend.”

“Sorry?”

Finn opened his mouth. “Rey-“

But she was already firing for you, furious. “God forbid I have an opinion about Kylo or how I think he’s treating you. He told me if I couldn’t stop talking about it, we were done.”

“That isn’t because of Ren-“  
“But it is!” She stood up from her seat, the chair scraping along the floor. “He is _using_ you. You started this, what? Two months ago, nearly three? Are you even close to being his girlfriend, or still just his sex doll?”

“Rey, that’s not fair.” Finn mumbled but she ignored him.   
“What isn’t fair is that I’ve lost my boyfriend because of yours!”  
“No, okay, you know what-“ You slammed down the plate in your hands. “I’m sorry you lost Ushar, I am. But you lost him not because you had an opinion but because you couldn’t shut the fuck up about said opinion. It is my life- Ren is in it, wether you like that or not. I understand you don’t but I am a grown woman. I can decide if I think he’s using me.”

“But you can’t, you can’t obviously see-!”

“You have no idea of the conversations we have, the time we spend together. Just _back off_ \- it’s none of your business Rey.”

The two of you let out long exhales, panting with anger. Finn’s eyes darted between you and then watched as she grabbed her sweater and stormed out of the room, into her bedroom.

You sighed and turned back to the cupboards behind you, grabbing the pasta bag out and throwing some into the boiling water.

“She’s..upset about Ushar. She’s just looking for someone to blame right now.”

“I understand I just- I hate it when she talks about him like that when she doesn’t even know him.”

“Do you?” Finn met your eyes, eyebrows furrowing together. “Does anyone? Thats why she worries. His own best friend couldn’t honestly tell her his intentions and.. she got scared. But it’s spiralled into something else now.”

He stood, putting their plates in the sink and turning to go after her.

“Why did you choose her?”

He paused, hand on the door. “I didn’t.”

“You did. You didn’t bother to call or text, you never try to speak to me-“

He glanced at you over his shoulder. “It goes both ways you realise.”

“Finn, I _tried_. You both shut me out as if I never existed and acted as if I’m doing something horribly wrong with Ren. Okay, he’s a professor, okay it’s not completely right but I-“ You shook your head. “I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. You’re my friends- or at least I thought you were.”

“We are- I am.” Finn’s face twisted in sorrow.

Despite his words, he left anyway to follow her. You watched him go, turning off the stove and going to your own room.

You weren’t hungry anymore.

“Welcome to controversial classics.” Ren slammed the book onto the desk in front of you, heading down the rows of students. “Literature isn’t just there to entertain us- it is there to move us. Teach us. Disturb us. This term we’ll be studying controversial works of literature and the nature of their controversy.”

He got back to the front of the classroom and turned, leaning on his desk. You doodled in the corner of your notebook, listening to him speak.

“We’ll be talking poems, plays, novels.. anything that raises questions about racism, sexism, national and personal identities as well as how the authors challenged their readers. I’ll be interested to hear your own responses too.”

The screen at the front of the class lit up, a picture of the book currently sitting on your desk flashing up there.

“Maus, by Art Spiegelman will be our first novel. A graphic novel, in which he talks to his father about his experiences as a polish jew. It depicts it’s participants as different animals- jews as mice, germans as cats and so on.” Ren folded his arms, surveying the class. His eyes briefly skimmed over you, pausing very briefly.

“That book is offensive.” Someone to your left muttered.

“Hence why this course is called _controversial classics,_ Miss Morgan. I suggest you perhaps do more research on what you’re taking in the future.” He narrowed his eyes at her and something in your gut twisted in jealousy.

Perhaps because last term, that might’ve been you he was snapping at. Now it was another girl, another sarcastic mouth throwing comments his way. Would he turn her way and leave you behind?

You couldn’t help but worry, especially since when you turned to grab a pen out of your bag, Kiana pulled a face at you as if to say _uh oh._

“It’s dehumanising and ridiculous-“

“I’m aware.” Ren snapped. “Hence why are we studying it and the varying opinions on it. If you can’t refrain from commenting, I suggest you don’t bother coming back to this class. I don’t wish to listen to you any further.”

The girl slid back into her chair, huffing at him.

"Now there will be a quiz at the end of the week on this and more so, you’ll be asked for your opinion so I suggest the rest of you form one.”

You clamped down on the trembling fear inside of you, trying to focus on the lesson. He promised you months ago he’d never done this with another student, had never wanted to. But what if you had opened the gates? What if he felt differently now?

The girl was certainly pretty. Younger than you, at least by two years but.. pretty, blonde, small. The kind of girl that was everybody’s type.

You turned your attention back to the paper in front of you. It wasn’t her fault, so there was no need to continue staring at her with the murderous glare you were sure was in your eyes.

_Are you even close to being his girlfriend, or still just his sex doll?_

Internally groaning, you tried to focus back on the lecture, on the words coming out of your professors mouth.

Ren was certainly bringing a lot of trouble into your life, emotionally and physically- the question was, _is he worth it? Still?_

You weren’t sure.

The class ended with no other interruptions and Kiana was already chatting to you about grabbing some coffee when you heard Ren speak above the noise.

“Miss Morgan, stay behind please.”

The girl rolled her eyes. Your stomach flipped as you shoved your things into your bag, pretending to listen to your friend babble on.

What if whatever had started his feelings for you was about to happen with her? What if he wanted her?

It wasn’t like you had a right to care, not really. The two of you seemed to refuse to define this thing between you, happy to leave it as is. You didn’t particularly feel like arguing about it and.. you were happy, in all honesty. A little confused but happy.

But you hadn’t fought with Ren in a while. The passion when you had sex only seemed to get more raw each time but.. that arguing is what had sparked it. What if it was wearing off and now, he’d be pulled to turn another way?

Reaching the door, Kiana was talking about some drink she wanted to try this weekend at a new club when you heard your name being called.

Ren, still sitting as his desk, with the Morgan girl in front of him.

“Go to my office please. I need to discuss your performance from last term with you and your tutoring sessions.” He nodded and turned his attention to her, his face hardening.

You slipped out the classroom, running a hand through your hair.

Kiana elbowed you with a smile. “You better get going for your little rendezvous- will I see you tonight or..?”

“Uh, probably.” You replied, already drifting down the hallway, along that all too familiar route to your professors office.

Why did he want to speak to you today? You had figured tomorrow was just an unspoken deal, that your ‘tutoring’ would continue as a chance to see each other.

But perhaps he didn’t want that anymore. You were doing much better in his classes now so there wasn’t really a need and if his interest had been pulled elsewhere-

No. He’d _just_ met her, he surely wouldn’t get rid of you that quickly. You were being ridiculous.

Waiting outside his office, you tried to count each of the tiles beneath your sneakers until you would lose count and begin again, your chest tightening.

Twenty minutes later, Ren finally appeared and wordlessly unlocked his office before heading inside. You followed, watching as he left it unlatched behind him- maybe he really did want to have a discussion with you.

He sat down in his chair with a huff, watching as you perched in front of him with your bag in your lap.

“You look terrified.” He noted.

You rolled your eyes, trying to play off your nerves. “I’m fine. Why did you want to see me?”

He gave you a stare before shaking his head, pulling a piece of paper out of his desk and slipping it over the desk towards you.

“Exam results for my class are released tomorrow officially but.. I wanted you to see.” He pushed it closer to you. “I didn’t mark these, before you start.”

“Do you know what it is?” You tried to gauge his expression- disappointed? Angry? Happy?

You got nothing, as per usual with him.

His class counted for nothing officially, wouldn’t effect you graduating but..it mattered to you. That you had actually worked for it, had done well by yourself despite what was going on between the two of you.

Shaking a little, you opened the piece of paper and your eyes swirled to the black marker in the top corner.

_A-_

“Oh my god.” You grinned, shooting up to your feet. “A? Holy shit.”

Even Ren seemed close to a smile. “You usually get A’s-“

But it didn’t matter. An _A-_ you had worked hard for. _Really_ hard and he had helped you, every step of the way.

You forgot where you were for a moment, walking around to his side of the desk and throwing your arms around his neck in gratitude. Your hug was bone-crushing, head tucked into the crook of his neck.  
“Thank you.” You whispered. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

He chuckled. “My pleasure, scholar.”  
Something about your nickname on his lips made your blood light on fire, a warm feeling spreading throughout you.

You stepped back from him, clearing your throat. “Uh.. what happened with that other girl?”

“Oh nothing. Caution not to speak back like that or she’ll be asked to leave. Hold her opinions until it’s appropriate, etc.”

You frowned. “That never happened with me.”

“I wonder why.” His eyes glittered as he stared up at you from his chair, his hair tied back today. You liked it like that, a few strands falling out of the tie and surrounding his face- it made you want to jump him and ride him in his chair until he was calling your name loud enough to get you both expelled.

The thought stained your cheeks red.

“And if she does it again, that’s it? You just ask her to go.. nothing else?” You couldn’t quite meet his eyes as you asked, fiddling with the paper in your hands.

“Of course.” His eyes trailed up your body and he leaned further into his chair, his hands linking together. “Scholar, are you _jealous_?”

“What? No!”  
“Were you thinking I was going to punish her-“ He paused, giving you a devious smile. “like I punished you?”

“I-“

He stood, head tilted down so he could look at you. You took a step back, swallowing. Hard.

“Did you think I’d take her to my office and fuck her into obedience? Is that it?”

“Well-“

“I mean, it worked pretty well for you.”

“Prick.” You hissed, shoving his chest.

But he was quicker and caught your wrists, pulling you close to him.

“You want to know what I thought about when she snapped at me scholar?” His eyes reminded you of an abyss- deep, dark, never ending. An abyss you wanted to get lost inside of. “I thought of you, right there in my office, on your knees beneath me with my cock in your mouth.”

You pressed your thighs together, body already shaking slightly as he turned you around and pushed you towards his desk. You stumbled, knees buckling as you hit the carpet and folded underneath him.

He loomed above you, hand grasping your chin to look up at him.

A devil.

Bending down, he pulled your face towards his to kiss him. His lips, endlessly soft and his hands, grasping your neck with a gentle possessiveness.

An angel.

A loud knock at the door sprang the two of you apart and before you could react, Ren had practically thrown you underneath his desk. He was lucky it didn’t have a gap in the bottom- the only cut out was right where he was sitting. There barely enough room for you to fit inside.

You barely had a chance to adjust yourself into a seated position before the door swung open and Ren was sat down, his knees at either side of your head, thighs stretched out in front of you.

“Zander. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

His boss. You grimaced.

“Ah good, you’re alone.”

Where the hell was your bag? Your things? Ren was fast but he wasn’t that fast and you’d left them in front of his desk-

Zander’s feet paused on the carpet. “Oh, or not- is that..?”

“Oh no, just a students. She went to the restroom and is taking some time to return. Very excited about her exam results, nervous stomach…” Ren explained quickly and the other man chuckled. You glared at his legs.

“Ah, I see. I just wanted to bring you the itinerary for the seminar next weekend. Unfortunately, Dr Pesvinky dropped out last minute.”

A seminar? He hadn’t mentioned this. You shuffled slightly, wincing in discomfort and Ren’s knee jerked towards you, as if to tell you to shut up.  
“That is unfortunate. Is anyone else taking her place?”

Zander sighed. “Nobody else is available, I’m afraid. Everything is booked and paid for, so if you know anyone who would be interested..”

“What about a student?”

You froze.

“A student?”

“There’s one I know that has a particular interest in this area- even considering a post graduate course. Perhaps she’d be interested. Given it’s paid for and all.”

“You wouldn’t mind being there with them? It may be inappropriate…”

You almost snorted and Ren’s knees smacked your head again in warning. Agitated, you pinched his knee and watched him twitch.

“Inappropriate?” Ren parroted him innocently.

His eyes darted to where you were sat, just briefly, before going back to his boss. You smiled.

Your hands moved, drawing very slow circles around the top of his knees before moving upwards, fingers digging into the top of his thighs and down in-between his legs.

“Well, it is a student…a female one…” Zander paused. “I mean, of course it’s strictly professional but I don’t have to tell you that, do I? You’ll take care of her I’m sure.”

From the increase in his breathing, you knew you were winding him up. Your hands momentarily rubbed against his bulge before moving back, massaging his thighs again. He twitched, foot diddling up and down.

“I’ll take good care of her.” Ren answered. “Nothing unprofessional about it at all, I assure you sir. I just know how much she-“ He paused briefly as your hands lingered near his manhood agin. “enjoys writing and she’s shown such improvements this term, it would be a nice reward. Only if you are happy for her to come, of course. We’d be travelling separately, only spending the meal times together..”

“Well, ask the student first. If she’s completely comfortable with it.. I don’t see why not.”

You pulled your hands away, grinning as he jerked his knee.

“Yes, sir.”

“I’ll leave you to it then- let me know what they say so I can give them a briefing packet and whatnot.”

“Of course.”

With that, Zander’s footsteps receded and disappeared back out the door again. Ren waited a few seconds before he shot to his feet and walked off in the same direction. You heard a faint clicking and frowned. Had he left?

Hands reached underneath the desk and dragged you out and onto your knees. Your hands dragged along the carpet and you hissed at the burning sensation.

“That was my boss scholar.” Ren snapped.

“When were you going to tell me about the trip?” You retorted.

He snarled. “Whenever I felt like it.”

“So, was that my invitation? Charming.”

“I can tell him you’re not interested.”

“Maybe you should.” You shot back.

He crouched to your eye level, hand grasping your face as he pushed your cheeks together, thumb digging in.

“You’re bluffing.”

You barely managed to speak over his grip. “Am I?”

“You wouldn’t miss an all expenses paid trip, meeting editors, authors, journalists even if I paid you to.” He smirked. “But you especially wouldn’t miss a chance for me to fuck you all weekend, would you? Stuffing every single one of your holes full of me-“ He paused, leaning forward to whisper into your ear. “filling you all day and night..or would you rather go four days without any of that?”

“Prick.”

He let go of you and stood, unbuckling his belt. Your mouth ran dry as his cock sprung free of his pants, his hand slowly running along the length of it. You moved forward slightly.

“You think you deserve this?” He laughed. You nodded, desperately inching closer to him but he only stood further away from you. “You misbehave in front of my boss, with my job on the line, you think I’d be so baseless to fuck that other loud idiot from class… I don’t think you do deserve this. Not even a little.”

He held out his hand right in front of your face and nodded towards it. You spat into it, the trail of it running off your mouth onto the ground below.

He used it to cover his cock and began to move his hand up and down faster, grunting as he watched you stare up at him.

“Please, sir.“

“No.” He narrowed his eyes. “Why do you have so little trust in me, scholar?”

“I don’t sir.” Mostly true. You had been rash today. Jealous. But deep down you knew he didn’t want anyone else and neither did you. You hadn’t for months.

“Liar.” He spat at you.

“Sir-“ You whined and moved closer to him, but he slapped your hands away.

He growled. “Sit still.”

So you did as he asked and sat, mouth watering as you watched his head tilt back slightly as he grunted, running his hand up and down his cock quickly.

“Talk to me scholar.”  
Your mind went blank for a moment, until his eyes looked down and met yours.

“I want you to fuck me-“ You shuffled on your knees. “I want you to fuck every single hole I have, stuff me full of you, of your cum-“ He moaned, encouraging you, a bead of sweat forming on his head. “Until it’s dripping out of me for _days_.”  
Your own hand had drifted down and underneath your jeans, slipping down into your panties to touch yourself. You spread your legs to get better access and began to rub, moaning quietly at the wetness there.

He noticed you, but didn’t stop you, instead keeping steady eye contact as the two of you touched yourselves. Your hand circled around your clit, steadily increasing pressure until you brought yourself right onto that edge- just not quite.

You let out a sigh and he let out a broken groan, pumping harder.

“Where do you want this scholar?” He grunted again. “Where do you want me to stuff my cum inside of?”

Fuck, you wanted him so badly. More than you ever had before and you knew he wasn’t going to let you have him- not this time.

Pulling your hand away from yourself, you crawled until you were right underneath him and opened your mouth, ready for him.  
He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Please, sir.”

“Better.”

He kept his pace but bent slightly and his fingers grasped at your tongue, yanking it out of your mouth. You choked, falling further onto your knees below him as he gripped it, holding it steady in front of him.

He moaned your name and you waited until the cum dripped onto your tongue, his fingers holding it still despite its wriggling protests. Your mouth was in agony, fighting against him, but he held you still and finished himself in your mouth.

When he was finished, he gripped your jaw and shut your mouth. “Swallow. Then clean the rest of this up.”

You did as you were told, eagerly leaning upwards and wrapping your mouth around his cock, sucking it clean of any remaining cum. He groaned, his hand pulling your hair out of the way and shoved himself deep inside of your mouth, your tongue wiping any remaining liquid up.

Satisfied, he let you go and you gave yourself a moment to breath as he tucked himself back into his pants. You thought of last time, when your heart had been hammering so hard in your throat you felt you might throw up and you had stared at the carpet, almost wishing you could disappear into it.

Except this time, Ren didn’t leave you down there. He reached down, hand clasping yours and pulled you to your feet in front of him. When he leaned down and kissed you, it was hard enough to almost make you fall. Your hands clasped at his jacket, grasping it as you kissed him back.

“I’ve said it before scholar and I won’t again.” He muttered between kisses. “There is only you- nobody else. Understand me?”

You nodded and he let you go, running a hand through your hair before returning to his desk and taking a seat. “Now sit down and get on with the homework I set.”

You scoffed. “You cannot be serious.”

“I’m not leaving for another hour yet. We’ll pick up dinner on the way to the apartment and I don’t feel like watching you do homework at my place.” He motioned to the seat. “Now, sit.”

You sat down and desperately tried to bit down on the smile rising out of you as you grabbed the things out of your bag, with not much success. He noticed you and frowned.

“What?”

“Nothing.” You just chuckled and got on with your work, shooting off a text to Kiana that you wouldn’t be back there tonight as you had seemingly received an invite to be elsewhere.

Kylo Ren truly was something else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for tuning in. Leave any thoughts below!
> 
> X


	17. TRUTH pt 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the retreat. Time for a weekend away- just you and your professor alone in the woods. With a bunch of millionaires.
> 
> What could go wrong?
> 
> (no smut this chapter but it is a double release so enjoy!)

Zander’s office was much more plain than Ren’s- far less personal. It wasn’t that Ren had even put his own touches all over it, decorated it in hundreds of pictures. But he had put in his own desks, his own books, chairs, rug. He’d made it a place he clearly wanted to be.

Professor Zander’s office was just as grey as the hallway, with very little inside except his desk and a few chairs.

You twirled your thumbs around, knee bouncing as you waited for him to finish shuffling around with the papers in his hand.

“And, this is-“ He put down another one in front of you. “The address for the retreat.”

“Thank you, sir.”

He’d given you about a hundred pieces of paper, all with useless little tidbits of information that you didn’t need.

“And you’re completely comfortable with this? Ren mentioned you’d just be meeting him there, you’ll probably see very little of him-“

You fought the smile on your face. “I’m perfectly fine with it sir. It’s a fantastic opportunity and I’m very grateful he recommended me.”

“Yes..” Zander muttered. “Very unlike him- but perhaps he’s finally fitting into this place, hm? He certainly seems less miserable these days.”

You nodded in agreement as he finally handed over the rest of the papers to you.

“The office number is there- if you have any questions or need assistance, you may call us.” Zander stood. “That’s about it, really. You’re free to go.”

You stood and shook his hand, noting the clamminess. “Thank you for allowing me to go, sir. I appreciate it.”

“Oh of course. Anything for the sake of learning!”

Your lip twitched again and you let go of him, collecting your things and shooting him one last goodbye.

Kiana was waiting for you at the end of the hallway, texting on her phone. She looked almost.. sad? You couldn’t quite place it, but something was wrong. As you approached, she quickly shoved it back in her pocket and smiled at you.

“All ready to go?”

“Mhm.” You waved all the papers in your hand at her. “I’m fully prepared.”

“Stars.” She took it out of your hand and shuffled through them as the two of you walked out the exit. “What is all of this even for?”

“Who will be there, talks, events, retreat information, office numbers.. everything I could need.” You smiled. “He obviously doesn’t know I’ll be with Ren all weekend.”

“Well, obviously.” She nudged you and handed it back. “Speaking of, where is our lovely professor?”

“He’s picking me up at my apartment. I need to go and finish packing.” You turned towards her. “Is everything okay with you?”

She blinked. “Uh..no. But yes. I don’t want to tell you right before your big weekend.”

“Kiana-“

“No, no, no. I won’t discuss it right now.” She was kidding around but you could hear the edge in her voice and decided not to push it any further.

“I’ll be back Monday night and we can hang out if you want.” You offered.

“I’d like that- we can talk about it then, alright?” She threw her arms around you and pulled you into a hug. “Have a great time. Have a lot of sex, eat food, schmooze with authors..”

You laughed and squeezed her harder.

Some part of you was a little nervous for these three nights with Ren. You were heading far up north into what was essentially a retreat. Very little signal, cabins, all very rustic apparently. The convention wasn’t very big and highly prestigious.

Someone had owed Zander a favour, hence how they had gotten an invite for two professors. You were surprised given the fact it was such a private, sought after event that more professors weren’t fighting for the other ticket. But Zander had mentioned he hadn’t made a big public deal about having the tickets, luckily for you.

You were pretty much all packed up. All that was left was some evening clothes. You weren’t sure how fancy this was, so you packed a few light, day dresses that you could wear to dinner and some much nicer ones too just in case.

You threw in some of the new underwear you had bought too. Or, to put it correctly, that Kiana had forced you to buy saying it was basically illegal to take a trip like this and not buy any lingerie.

Honestly, you weren’t nervous what Ren would think of it- you were nervous the damn bastard would rip it in two.

A horn honked from outside and you glanced out, seeing his car outside. Swinging the bag over your shoulder, you did a last scan of your room to check for anything else you would need and scurried off.

Ren watched as you threw your bag in the back and climbed in beside him. Clipping in your seatbelt, you turned to face him and were met with his lips, pressing against yours.

“Uh- hi.” You smiled as he broke away and reversed out of his space, arm behind your head.

“Hi scholar.”

“You miss me or something?” You teased. He rolled his eyes, driving off.

You’d barely seen him all week. You’d been busy researching for your dissertations and given that you were going to spend a long weekend with him, you decided to skip the tutoring session on Wednesday. It was hardly like you needed it anyway.

It was supposed to be a four hour drive out to the forest where the retreat was being held. There was a dinner on tonight, but you hadn’t gained access to that so the two of you had decided to leave a little later on and just arrive in time to head to your rooms.

Rooms. Plural.

You turned in your seat to face him more. “This isn’t really like a conference is it?”

“It kind of is. They do give talks on how they do their work and what they look for in candidates for jobs, good things for you to learn, but it’s more peacocking than anything else.” Ren explained. “It’s essentially lots of millionaires and famous writes gathering to show off about their success in a way that looks like ‘teaching’ so their companies pay for them to go.”

“So how in the hell did Zander get invited to something so prestigious? I mean, a _favour_?”

“I think he knows Neil Bow, you know the owner of the Seattle Times?” You nodded. “I don’t know, he did some work for him, covered his ass over something I heard. So he offered him tickets to this event in his place this year, to get an inside scoop into the inner circle.”

“I can’t believe Zander isn’t going..” You glanced over at him. “Why did he give you the tickets?”

“I performed best in the department this year.”

You picked at your nail beds. “I feel kind of guilty.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. The ticket could’ve gone to someone who deserved it.”

“It did.”

“Ren-“ You rolled your eyes.

“Scholar, you went from a D+ to an A- which is a great improvement. I’ve told you a hundred times what’s going on between us has nothing to do with your education- this is genuinely a great opportunity for you.”

“Okay.” You huffed. 

“Besides, who else would keep me company during the night? I certainly don’t think Zander would look as good in lacy nightwear.”

You slapped his shoulder with a snort. Raking through your bag, you found the book you had taken for the journey and opened it on the folded page, beginning to read as you curled your legs beneath you.

Out the corner of your eye, you almost swore Ren smiled.

The retreat was certainly not any kind of hotel.

It was log cabins, spread out in a woodland area. It reminded you of a low budget Coachella- a few massive tents in the middle of the area, obviously for eating and the speaking parts of the trip. Lanterns hung everywhere and someone led the two of you to a cabin, holding one in their own hand as they directed you on your way.

You noticed a few people milling around, in and out the tent in the middle but nobody that particularly caught your eye.

Your cabin was near the back of them all, slightly deeper in the woods. One of the workers led you to the door, offered a polite smile and scuttled back to where he’d come from.

It seems you were to get settled for the night- there’d be no finding the path back to any of the tents in the middle. Not without a twisted ankle.

Inside was just as nice as the outside you discovered as you explored the house, leaving Ren in the hall. A warm, crackling fire was lit to your right with two plush chairs settled on a rug in front of it. The main decoration seemed to be books- shelves, cases. They were everywhere. No TV, nothing but an old radio sat on the mantlepiece.

A small kitchen to the left, but it was basically bare. Likely scarcely used out here considering everything was made for you.

The bathroom was huge. A huge walk in shower and an even bigger bathtub sat beside it, everything coated in marble.

Then, finally, two bedrooms. Diagonally across the hall from each other. Both relatively same in size- except one was a little bigger, with two sets of drawers and a set of sliding doors that led onto a small porch outside, with a little glass table and two chairs. 

You weren’t sure if Ren even wanted to share with you, or if you’d need to keep up the persona of being his student this weekend. The people here have much more exciting things to deal with than the gossip of your lives, but still if something was to get back to Zander…

You stepped inside the smaller room and threw your bag on the bed, glancing around. Just as nice as the other.

Turning around, you almost yelped as you spotted Ren leaning against the doorframe silently.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking around.” You gestured.

“With your bag.” He nodded to it. “Why is it in here?”

Jokingly, you sat down beside it with a smile and blinked up at him innocently. “Where else would it go _professor_?”

Ren pushed himself off the doorframe and came to stand in front of you, his legs pushing against your knees as he leaned down. You shuffled back as his face came right in front of you, hands braced either side of your hips.

“You want to play _that_ game tonight? Really?”

Your mouth ran dry. You did but..you were tired- and he was too. You could see the shadows around his eyes.

The hesitation was answer enough it seemed. He grabbed the back from beside you and slung it over his shoulder, disappearing into the opposite room.

Sighing, you followed him into the main bedroom, quickly turning the lights off in the main hallway. Ren had already put a fireguard up, thankfully. You wouldn’t be able to sleep without one.

“Try and make the other bed at least look slept in by the end of the weekend. Just in case anything gets reported by the maids.” Ren reminded you as he began to strip on the other side of the room, yanking his t-shirt off. You nodded, pretending to listen to whatever he was saying. But your focus was entirely on his broad chest, on the skin there, littered with small scars.

Caused by what, you wondered. Soccer? Childhood injuries? Was Ren into some secret martial art you didn’t know about?

He snorted. “Get ready for bed scholar- you’re drooling.”

You hadn’t realised he’d caught you staring. Glaring at him, you grabbed your bag and pulled out the pj’s you’d packed, beginning to change.

Not too sexy, but not too demure either- a short cami top, covered in daises and matching shorts made of the softest material you’d ever felt. You quickly changed, feeling Ren’s eyes on you- but you ignored him and headed to the bathroom.

As much as being around Ren usually made you unable to think, you’d found lately that not being around him also made it hard to think. You were truly in trouble because with some amount of horror, you realised you had been missing him.

It wasn’t just the sex either, unfortunately. You missed _him_ \- those sharp retorts. Brown eyes glaring deep into yours. Arms bundled around you as you slept.

Luckily for you and the feelings that were beginning to suffocate you, Ren wasn’t even paying attention to you when you arrived, looking at something on his phone.

You snorted, spotting his glasses, and slipped into bed beside him. Your own phone had no signal and the wifi here was pretty terrible too, but you sent Kiana a message to say you’d arrived safely and you’d see her on Monday.

The thought of tomorrow was nerve-racking. Yes, you’d just be watching these people talk for the morning and you got all afternoon off, but later you’d have to socialise with them. Make connections, make the most of this opportunity.

Ren turned the lights off and pulled you towards him, your head tucking into his chest. A light flutter of his lips against your forehead as he pressed a kiss there, his chest already inhaling deeply as he began to fall asleep.

With him by your side..maybe it wouldn’t be so scary.

The first day ended up being very interesting.

Firstly, you had woken up to a delivered breakfast left on your porch. Ren was already up, of course, and had woken you up to eat it. The two of you had enjoyed it out on the back porch, watching the sun climb higher into the sky as the birds sang their morning song.

There was something even more beautiful about Ren in the morning- something about how much less put together he seemed just made your heart stumble over itself, watching him eat his breakfast, sip his coffee, talk about the days lectures.

When you had finally gotten ready, you headed out to watch the mornings talks. Newspapers seemed to be the theme this morning- Jon Hargreaves from Independent Daily, Neil Bow of the Times, Dan Hardinger from Portland Today and Camilla June of Look Back Daily.

All extremely interesting talks- but Ren was right. A lot of peacocking. Many of their stats comparing themselves to the others, their transition to being more online, covering the news, how they pick candidates. You were one of the only people taking notes in the crowd, but you didn’t really care- you were here to learn something this weekend.

A big lunch was served after but Ren had tugged you out of the tent and told you the dinner would be better, snatching a few things off the table before he went.

The two of you just spent the afternoon walking around, exploring the roads and village nearby to the retreat. It was cold, a fair chill hanging in the air so you never stopped for long- but you didn’t mind.

Surprisingly, you weren’t trying for conversation either. It flowed so easily between the two of you, it wasn’t something you had even realised until later on.

Ren fished a few apples he had nicked out of his pocket and handed you one, the two of you eating them as you watched the water move beneath the ice in the river beneath you.

Despite how tired you felt when you got back, you forced yourself to shower and get ready for dinner that evening. You’d heard tonight was still quite a casual night- tomorrow was to be much more upscale.

So you wore a simple, short sleeve yellow dress dusting some light makeup over your face to try and get rid of the bright red on your cheeks. Even the warm shower hadn’t chased it away.

Holding the lantern, Ren had led you over to the tent where you were placed at a table with a few writers, playwrights and an editor.

All of whom had been lovely and interesting, completely enthralled to hear that you were just simply a student, here to observe beneath your professor. You felt said professors hand squeeze your knee under the table and you almost jumped five feet upwards, but he shot you a smile that had your body go soft into his touch.

Even when the editor got a little condescending with you over the parfait, you held your ground and that earned your second smile from Ren of the night.

It was enough to almost bring you to your knees.

Stuffed full of dinner, the two of you had stumbled to the cabin in the dark and barely made it into bed before you were asleep again in each others arms, both of you too exhausted to do anything else.

It was all so normal, so _nice_ , it felt paralysing. As if you never quite considered the two of you could have this kind of fun, this kind of quiet safety within each other. Time together where people didn’t look at you as if you weren’t a problem.

It was certainly something you could get used to.

The next morning, Ren was up before you again and you repeated the same routine as before, heading off to your lectures of the day.

At the end of these ones, they announced a few workshops. Ren warned you that barely anyone else would be there, but you could go if you wished- he would beheading to talk to some other people.

You went, mostly to keep yourself busy and found yourself in a writing session with none other than Dan Hardinger of Portland Today.

The tent was completely empty except for the two of you and you offered him a nervous smile. It seemed stupid not to sit near him considering there was nobody else in here and besides, he’d waved you over.

“Well, I’m glad to see someone else here.” He reached over and shook your hand. “I was scared I was about to get a one to one pep talk.”

You laughed. “I was curious but now I’m wondering if I should make a break for it. Where is everyone?”

“Oh, enjoying the free bar and food I imagine. They’ll do that until around three, head back to their cabins and sleep off a little bit of the booze, wake up, get dressed and come back and do it again until the wee hours of the morning.” Dan rattled it off as if he’d seen it often- he likely had. “I like to do at least one productive thing whilst I’m here.”

You smiled again and watched as the lecturer shuffled in, sighing as he noticed it was just the two of you.

“I saw you taking notes and stuff during my lecture- and other ones.” Dan looked down at your notebook curiously. “Who do you work for?”

“I don’t- not yet. I’m still in college.”

“You’re kidding. You must be on your last year right?” He asked and you nodded. “Good. I’m not calling you old or anything, I just wouldn’t expect a young student here.”

You chuckled. “I didn’t think you were.”

“So how did a student get a ticket to the writing event of the season?”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Is this truly the event of the season?”

“No, that’s the award shows and their after parties. But this is a close second, given our companies essentially pay us to talk about ourselves all weekend.” He smiled. He definitely had that businessman charm about him, where he could pretty much sell you anything he wished. It was likely how he was a CEO.

“Our head of department was owed a favour, nobody else could go.. I got lucky I guess.”

“Lucky indeed.” He nodded, eyes darting to the front. He fumbled into his pocket for something and wrote down on the back of a small card. “I heard you hand Harold’s ass to him at dinner last night.”

“Oh, I hardly-“

“No, it’s a compliment truly. That jerk owns the a small ass paper in Ohio and thinks he’s just the shit. I was impressed and you certainly know your stuff.” Dan slipped the card into your hand. “I’d really like to talk about job prospects, interning and whatnot for when you finish college. How about you give me a call..let’s say next Thursday?”

Your mouth hung open in surprise. “I-wow. Holy shit-“ You covered your mouth. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I’m just- yes. Yes, I will call you on Thursday. Thank you.”

Dan smiled. “Fantastic.”

He turned his attention to the lecturer who welcomed the two of you perhaps a little miserably, opening a dusty old textbook and began to read from it.

You clutched the card in your hand, joy emitting from every inch of your body.

Holy. Shit.

That evening, Kylo certainly looked much more refined than he had in the days before. A much nicer suit than the other night, nearly all black except for the silver cufflinks on his wrist. His hair was tucked back neatly and you almost ran your hands right through it, tugging him by his shirt back to the bedroom.

You hadn’t mentioned the talk with Dan- well, you had, but not the offer to call him. Something about it just felt.. you didn’t know what exactly. But you decided to tell Ren after this weekend was over. Everything was so good and talking about your future and where you’d be going would only bring a downer on it all.

He stood up from where he was perched on the seat, blinking as he took you in.

“Well, you scrub up not too shabby.” You smiled at him.

You had picked a dress of deep, midnight blue. Long, billowing skirts with a slit up the left leg that showed up to your mid thigh and a simple V neck with thin straps, dipping low at your back. You had worn heels, but not too high so you wouldn’t fall and make a total fool of yourself.

He blinked again.

“Speechless? That’s a first.” You brushed past him, running a careful hand down his arm. He reached and gripping your hand, twirling you to face him.

“You look..” He shook his head. “Exquisite.”

You were sure the red of your cheeks was probably showing, despite your makeup. “We’re late. Come on.”

Ren wrapped an arm around your waist as you walked to the tent to support you over the branches beneath your heels, carefully stepping around them.

The atmosphere inside was different to the evening before- more refined, elegant. The tables dotted the side and back of the tent mostly, elating room for a band at the front. You shook your head at the sight of it all in all it’s pompous glory.

“Horrendous, isn’t it?”Ren said softly, as if he’d read your mind.

“Quite.”

After being directed over to your seat, one of the back tables of course, you tucked the napkin in front of you over your lap and watched as the rest of the crowd filtered in slowly, taking their seats.

Tonight it seemed you’d been sat with the same group as the evening before, except the editor, Harold, was replaced by a small, nervous looking boy who seemed to have a slight tick with his right eye, blinking hard every few seconds. He also seemed to have about three pagers and a mobile tucked and tied onto his jacket- probably an assistant who’d been slapped down here last minute.

“So you scared our Harold off, my my.” One of the playwrights, Marcella Brown, grinned at you. “Good. Stuck up old toff.”

“Now now Marce.” Her friend, another writer famous for her sex how-to series, Dr Julia Finch, patted her arm. “You know Harold. Easily scared by any woman who has an opinion.”

You smiled. “I’m sure he’s in better hands this evening. I felt like I was going to give him a heart attack.”

Marcella laughed, before turning her attention to Ren. “I felt like we barely heard from your date over here last night as we were all too enthralled with you.”

You coughed to cover your laugh. “This is my..professor. Kylo Ren.”

“My apologies.” She held out her hand towards him. “Nice to meet you. Have you written any thesis I might have read? I do love a good study.”

Kylo began to rattle off a few he had helped write and co-write. You listened politely, watching Marcella nod at him, her finger tapping against her mouth.

Julia began a conversation with you, trying to include the poor assistant to her right as best she could despite him seemingly utterly terrified of you all. You answered her questions- but kept a continual eye on Marcella, on her giggle and wandering hands.

Yes, Ren had told you it was only you but.. it didn’t mean it wouldn’t bother you when someone was all over him in front of you. He didn’t exactly seem interested- he politely listened to her questions and answered some, joking about his department, not returning her touches.

Even over dinner, Marcella persisted in talking to him one on one. You didn’t interrupt despite your wish to, continuing to talk to the others at the table.

Even when she dusted lint off his jacket.

Even when she gave him the coyest smile you’d ever seen, hand slowly running down her neck to her chest in a way that you guessed was to be seductive.

You made a silent vow never to watch one of her plays.

Music swelled at the front of the tent after dinner was cleared and more drinks were handed out, the band playing some quieter tunes than before. You hummed quietly to the tune, watching various couples get up to dance. Julia caught someones eye from another table and strode over to sit with them.

“Hey.” You flinched in surprise as a hand clapped down on your shoulder. They said your name in question and you turned around.

“Uh..hi.”

“I’m Mike Scheffing. I work with Dan.” He stuck his hand out towards you and you took it, shaking politely. You could feel Ren’s eyes flick towards the two of you, despite Marcella chattering on at him.

“Nice to meet you.”

Mike was his executive assistant, if you remembered correctly from Dan’s talk.

“He was just talking about you and I figured I’d come over and introduce myself and well- do you want to dance or grab a drink?”

Ren twitched slightly. But he was busy and it was hardly like he was the kind of person to dance- he was here as your professor too. It would seem unprofessional.

You wanted to dance. So you nodded, allowed him to help from your seat and shot Ren a quick look before you followed him to the dance floor.

His eyes burned into your back the entire way over.

Mike held you in a friendly way, and you were glad- there was nothing you wanted less right now than to be hit on by someone from where you could have a potential job offer.

“You looked insanely bored.” Mike swirled as the two of you moved between the other couples, swaying effortlessly. “I figured being left with your professor wasn’t that fun.”

“How do you know he’s my professor?”

“Dan mentioned you yesterday evening, saying he overheard some of your conversation. The part where you told Harold off had him choke on his wine.”

You chuckled. “Good to know.”

“But due to being a student who kind of won that ticket, you have been placed at quite an unfortunate table and when he informed me he might be making you a job offer, I felt it was my duty to come work you out for myself away from said terrible table.”

You threw a glance towards it as you turned again- no sign of Ren or Marcella. Your stomach twisted anxiously.

“Oh it isn’t so bad.”

“Julia is nice…but they also placed you with Lola Dive’s assistant who has no idea what they’re doing there, Edgar Green who is a drunk moron-“ That was true. He had been slurring all evening. “and Marcella Brown is very…I want to be polite, I do…”

“But?”

“Slimy.” He shivered. “Gets her claws into any piece of work she can and once she has the rights.. well let’s just say I’ve heard many complains about her work.”

That made you feel a little better. Not that you’d admit it.  
“The way she was eyeing up your professor too.. you two aren’t in the same cabin are you? I’d find your car and sleep it in. Or find earplugs, even being across the hall.” He smiled at you but that horrible pit in your stomach only grew deeper despite the fake smile you threw back.

Mike was an interesting man- very similar to Dan, but also entirely different. He seemed more laid back, more genuine in some ways. You would definitely enjoy working under him if you ever worked at the company and the few anecdotes he came out with had your stomach hurting with laughter. 

As he twirled you around again, a loud cough came to the left of the two of you and there stood Ren, composed as ever.

“Mind if I cut in?”

Mike seemed surprise, but hid it well. “No, of course. She’s all yours.”

He passed you off with a curt goodbye and strode off as the song changed, leading into a much slower waltz. You placed your arms carefully on Ren, trying to keep some air of professionalism- but he didn’t seem to care so much, pulling you close to his chest, head tilted down towards you.

“You’re dancing with me?” You pinched his arm. “I’m shocked. I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“You didn’t ask.” Ren shrugged.

“No Marcella?” You glanced over his shoulder, but the two of you were surrounded by couples- there would be no hope in spotting any tables from here.

“I finally shook her at the bathrooms.” His eyes ran over you. “You were unusually quiet despite her..touching.”

“Did you want me to rescue you from the scary lady?” You cooed.

He rolled his eyes and pressed you tighter against his chest as he moved in an elegant step. You were certainly impressed. Who knew someone as big as Ren could be so light on his feet Everything about it felt so picture perfect, again just so _normal_ that you couldn’t possibly think of Ren as your professor. You hadn’t for a long time but now.. it just felt like such a foreign concept.

His hand around your waist grasped you tightly enough there would be no chance for you to fall and he kept his eyes on yours as the two of you moved. You tried to look away, to try and act a little more like professor and student- but you couldn’t. You felt entranced.

Another song began and Ren paused slightly, raising his eyebrows at you. Shocking, that he would even give you the choice to stay despite that desire burning bright in his eyes, the way he was restraining himself with his hold on you.

“No, let’s go. I’m tired.” You lowered your voice, turning away slightly. “Besides, I want you to rip me out of this dress.”

His replying growl sent a shiver down your spine.

The two of you dodged around the crowds towards the entrance, shooting a few polite smiles to those who raised their glasses in acknowledgement towards you. Ren was just beginning to stretch for your hand, to guide you into the dark when someone called out his name.

Except..not his name.

A name he hated, a person he had killed long ago. A name that had potential to completely dismantle your weekend.

Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see ya on the next one


	18. TRUTH pt 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeehaw

You clamped your lips together and turned, watching a man jog over to the two of you. Kylo had gone completely rigid.

“Oh my god, I knew it was you!” He laughed, embracing him. Ren didn’t really react, just loosely wrapping an arm back in return before stepping back slightly. You caught the sleeve of his jacket, making sure he didn’t stumble.

“George.” He finally managed to spit something out.

“How are you man?”

“I’m-“ Ren collected himself. “Fine. Yeah, fine. What are you doing here?”

“Oh I work for one of those douchebags inside. Bagged an invite this year, _finally_. What about you?”

“Uh, something similar.” Your professor lied.

George’s eyes darted down to you, his smile growing. “Your date?” No reply from either of you as he shook your hand. “Hi, I’m George West. I was at the camp with Ben.”

“The camp?” You echoed, glancing between the two of them.

Kylo’s fists had clenched in some attempt to hold himself together, the look on his face extremely tight.

“A long time ago, we attended Skywalkers camp together. When we were much different people I’m sure.” George’s smile faltered slightly. Perhaps the blank stare from Ren or the confused look on your own face was throwing him off. “Well, uh- I better get back. It was really nice to see you, if you’re ever down in Miami look me up, okay?”

Another pat to the shoulder and he was gone. Ren said nothing, storming off to the cabin and leaving you behind in the dark.

As you always were.

It took you an age to get back to the cabin. After three stumbles you had taken your heels off, wincing every time you stepped right onto a twigs edge or sharp stone. The lights were all off inside.

You weren’t even sure if Ren had come here. He’d certainly stormed off in this direction, but the house looked dead.

“Kylo?” You called out his name to no reply.

Sighing, you padded through to the kitchen and decided to make some coffee, checking in the bedroom and bathrooms whilst the water boiled- no sign of him. Where he’d gone, you weren’t sure. It was’t like you had any signal to call him and find out.

He would come back eventually.

Quickly changing out of your dress, you threw on a robe over your undergarments and headed back to the kitchen, filling up your mug.

George had called him Ben. Had not realised how much it bothered him, how it was like a dead name to him- so when exactly had Ben become Kylo? How long into this camp, whatever it was, did he change? And Skywalkers camp too.. you were almost sure that was his uncles last name.

_When he decided I wasn’t what he wanted to deal with, he sent me away._

Was that where he had sent him?

You sat on the sofa, curling against the arm of the chair and gently sipped your coffee. It couldn’t be any kind of camp if it had sent him into such a spiral away from his old life, had turned him against his parents to such an extent.

Kylo Ren seemed to have a lot of secrets.

The door slammed and you jumped.

You’d fallen asleep- it had only been an hour or so and the mug in your hands was thankfully still in place, it’s cold liquid sloshing around as you almost dropped it.

Ren stood near you, hands balled into fists, chest heaving with pants. He was clearly still angry but before you could even open your mouth to ask if he was okay, he let out a roar and slammed his fist into the wall beside him.

He moved and his hand reconnected with the wall again, over and over. You jumped to your feet, frozen- what the hell were you even supposed to do?

Something smashed and you covered your eyes in protection, watching as the mirror in front of him shattered, spraying his clothes and the floor with glass. He stopped as blood dripped down his hand and onto the floor below, growling in pain.

That was certainly coming out of your budget. At least the floorboards would clean up easily.

Sighing, you walked through to the kitchen and searched the cupboards for something to clean it up with, eventually finding a small dustpan and brush.

When you went back through, Ren had stopped punching things and managed to sit down on the edge of one of the sofas. His eyes were still wild with fury and they focused on you as you re-entered.

“What the fuck are you still doing here?” His voice sent a lick of cold up your spine.

You completely ignored him, picking up the glass. It was one am and you were in no mood for his mood swings- if he didn’t want to be near you, he could go back to his car. Or take the other bedroom.

As you continued to work, he snapped at you. “I’m talking to you.”

“I’m aware.” You replied calmly, sweeping the glass out of the carpet, hissing quietly as it cut at your fingers.

“What are you still doing here scholar? Why haven’t you left?”

“Why would I leave?”

He scoffed. “If that fit didn’t make you run a million miles, you’re more insane than I perhaps realised.”

Bastard. He wanted to lecture _you_ about insanity?

“Whatever.”

He stood, taking big strides over to you and grabbed your wrist, practically throwing you to your feet.

“Get off me.” You hissed at him, trying to pull your arm out his grip. “If you’re angry, _fine_ , I understand, but don’t take it out on me.”

“I’m not angry scholar, I’m _furious_.” He twisted you round, his thumbs pushing into your shoulders. His voice was desperate, raw, shaking you to your core. “I can’t escape it. It doesn’t matter where I go, what I do- it follows me.”

“Maybe you should confront it.” Whatever _it_ was exactly.

“No.” He huffed, shaking his head. “No.”

You reached, touching his wrists as his hands dug tiger into your skin. “If you don’t, this will keep happening- you’ll keep losing control.”

“I am in control.”

“Oh really?” You rolled your eyes and yanked, pulling his hands off you with a heavy throw. “This is controlled? Smashing the cabin up, disappearing for an hour, leaving me at the tent? Your family showing up and having to _beg_ you to see your mother?”

“Scholar-“  
“It’s not controlled. Stop lying to yourself!” You hated that look in his eyes- the pain there, so clear and bright before you. It was cleaving your chest in two.

He stumbled back from you, taking his seat again. His head hung down in defeat, body hunched over. You’d never seen him like this. Had never even imagined someone like him could be like this- so vulnerable. So terrified.

The air between you was thick, palpable as if you could reach out and put a knife through it. His hand was still dropping blood onto the floor and despite the anger swirling inside you at his stupidity, you dropped to your knees in front of him and looked at the cut.

It wasn’t too bad, or deep thankfully. He’d need to bandage it with something. You remembered seeing a first aid kit somewhere in the bathroom and stood, going to get it.

Ren said nothing. Not as you kneeled in front of him again. Not as you cleaned his wounds, wiping carefully down his wrists. Not as you plastered it up and wrapped an extra bandage around it.

His hand clasped around yours as you went to move away. Fingers stroking right along the pulse on your wrist, his breathing seeming a little less jagged.

“Why didn’t you go?”

“Why would I?” You asked again.

“You’ve seen maybe the worst side of me and you.. stayed. Stitched me up again.” He was staring at where the glass had been. His eyes shifted back to your hand, to the blood running down your own finger from where you had nicked it on a shard. Pulling your hand to his mouth, he ran his tongue over it and sucked gently. “George.. he left. My parents. Friends. Everybody leaves.”

You watched, mouth open and waited until he let go of you before speaking again. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“You say that-“

His wavering voice only strengthened your resolve. “I’m not going anywhere.”

There was too much intensity in his eyes, too many feelings you couldn’t place, were too terrified to. You turned your attention back to his hand, tightening the bandage a little. He flinched.

“Are you in pain?” Your voice was almost non-existent, a whisper into the static between you.

“Yes.” You knew he didn’t mean his hand.

“Tell me how to fix it.”

He loomed above you in his dark clothes, face hidden by the shadows. You’d thought of him as the devil once, with his cruel smile and wicked hands.

But he was no such thing- he was a man, trapped by his own wicked past and mind. An angel fallen from great heights. Being open to light means opening yourself to darkness too. It lives equally inside all- so isn’t every angel a demon? And every demon and angel?

Ren had looked at his darkness and tried his best to reject it, to fix himself and who could call him heartless for that? Who could truly say he was a demon for trying to escape his own shadows by closing himself off? The pain his family had brought him felt endless- you knew it did. You had felt that pain your entire life.

His eyes glazed over as he looked down at you. He was still hunched over, hands braced on his knees. So unlike the man you knew.

“Tell me how to fix it.” You repeated, voice cracking. You hated seeing him like this. It felt like a thousand needles to your skin and heart.

“You.” He breathed and stood, holding a hand down to you. You took it, allowing him to pull you upwards. “Just you.”

His lips crashed into yours with such a desperation, it was futile to resist giving into him fully. Your hands clutched his arms as your feet tried to keep up with him pushing you backwards.

He was kissing you as if he might find some kind of answer to his pain. Slowly, tongue skimming over your lips with delicate precision. His hands traveled downwards to your hips and when he reached them, they curled around you and lifted you up.

You wrapped your legs around him, arms winding around his neck as he walked. Neither of you broke from the kiss, your teeth sinking into his lip hard enough to make him groan. You hadn’t touched him all weekend and you were desperate to feel him, to banish any kind of pain from his heart, his soul.

He sat you onto the bed with a kind of gentleness he hadn’t used before, his fingers pulling at your robe to reveal the lacy garments you had picked out earlier.

Never taking his eyes off you, as if terrified you’d disappear, he reached for the top of his shirt. You knew he could manage perfectly well, but you got to your knees on the bed anyway and reached, assisting him with the buttons. You took your time, running a hand over his chest as he pulled the shirt off and threw it to one side.

His belt and pants quickly followed, just leaving his underwear- but he pushed you onto your back, shuffling up the bed.

Kissing you, his hands explored every inch of your body as if he never had touched you before, a soft groan in his throat as he ran a finger over your nipples still covered by the material of your bra.

It snapped open at the front, something he quickly figured out and unclipped it, those massive hands covering your breasts and squeezing, kneading, twisting. You moaned, pressing your thighs together as you wriggled beneath him.

His mouth followed his hands, tugging the skin with his teeth, blooming bruises of purple and red already forming. His tongue followed, swirling over them with a gentle caress before moving over to your nipple and pulling on it.

Your body jerked in response, desperate to be touched, to be fucked. He knew this, could tell by the way you were shifting beneath him, but he was deliberately taking his time with you. As if this was the last time you’d ever have together.

But it wouldn’t be, it couldn’t be- you would sell your soul to the devil himself for any time with Ren, burn in hell for the rest of your life if it meant he could touch you, fill you, feel you.

His tongue licked a straight line down your stomach, dipping lower and lower until it reached your pantie line and you could’ve eaten him alive as you watched his teeth hook around the bottom of your panties and pull them down to your knees, his hands pulling them the rest of the way.

“You’re so beautiful.” He ran a hand down your thigh and you thrashed, desperate to be touched.

With a smile, he pushed your thighs apart and dived right in, no hesitation, no games.

He spat a gob of spit onto your clit, mouth following and spreading it all over your already soaking cunt. His fingers teased your entrance, huffing a laugh as he noticed it clench in anticipation. He circled your clit with his mouth and sucked, your eyes falling to the back of your head as you twitched. He slipped a finger inside of you, following with another quickly.

You slid your hips over his fingers as he mumbled your name in praise, curling them up to hit just the right spot inside of you.

You were so damn close already- but you wanted to do this _with_ him. Not alone.

Wriggling away from him, you ignored his warning growl and crawled up the bed away from him. Sitting on your knees near the top, you motioned to the spot beside you with a smile. He waited a few moments but eventually stood, slipping off his underwear before taking the seat beside you.

You straddled him immediately, his hands eagerly pulling you onto him, mouth already meeting yours as you got there. He pushed the hair out of your face, tugging it as you rubbed your slit over his cock.

He groaned, hand reaching to touch you, to flip you off him and take control but you gripped his wrist.

“Just- let me touch you.” Your own voice was so guttural you barely recognised it. Even Ren blinked, arms loosening. “Please.”

He was always in control. Just once you wanted to be the one in control, to take care of _him_.

“Okay.” He replied quietly, helping you adjust as you grabbed his member and slid it inside you. You called his name loudly, the moan rattling in your chest as you sunk all the way to the bottom of him, feeling endlessly stretched.

You moved, sliding up him slowly and back down just as slowly. Teasing. Ren growled at you, hands gripping your arms tightly enough to bruise before grabbing your neck instead, running a thumb over your pulse.

This wasn’t like the other times- there was no harsh words between the two of you, no smacking or bleeding or resistance. Just the simple pleasure of losing yourselves, healing each other. You rode him until his moans became louder than the pain buzzing in his mind, until you felt nothing but him, until you existed solely for him and his pleasure.

He let out a long exhale, throwing his head back. Only then did you notice the tears on his cheeks, gleaming in the moonlight from outside. You reached, sinking your hips down and wiped his tears away, kissing each of his cheeks over and over.

More rushed out, but you kept kissing them away. Gentle kisses pressed to the arch of his neck, on the sides of his mouth.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You reminded him and shifted up again. Very slowly, right up until the head of his cock was almost slipping out your cunt.

He moaned your name like a curse, softly, quickly. “Again.”

Doing as you were told, you moved up and then down again. “I’m not going anywhere Kylo.”

His name on your lips were his undoing, as well as your own. He shifted himself and moved, slamming inside of you with enough force to banish any other thought from your mind that was’t him.

You cried out, hands bracing against his chest as you moved your own hips in perfect time with his own, feeling his bulging head ramming against your lips, scratching that one sweet spot inside of you. You clenched around him tighter, watching as his mouth fell into an _o_ and leaned down, kissing him again.

His tongue swirled over yours, hands tugging your hair as you felt him throb inside of you, warmer and warmer and you clenched, orgasm barrelling down your spine-

“Fuck- ah!” You cried out. “Kylo!”

You came on his cock, shuddering on top of him as he kissed you, swallowing your moans and his own as he climaxed too, spilling into you. You leant into his chest, his hands stroking your back as he filled you.

His heart hammered beneath your ear, a steady thrum ricocheting through you. It was comforting and you closed your eyes, pressing your cheek against it harder.

The two of you lay there for what felt like a lifetime, Ren’s hands drawing circles on your back.

“Scholar.” His voice was thick. You lifted your head to look at him and he shifted, lifting you off him and into the bed beside him. He tucked the covers over you, moving his arm so it was behind your head, your body tucked in beside him.

You drew shapes on the plane of his stomach, smiling as he jerked slightly at the touch.

“Luke ran the camp.” He was quiet, so quiet you almost didn’t hear him. Your hand froze, settling on his chest. “I.. had some issues.” Another pause. “My parents…it never felt like they particularly liked me never mind…loved me.”

You listened, heart thumping in your ears.

“I was acting out a lot. My father and I were fighting, constantly- so they sent me to this camp, Luke’s camp. For delinquents. He actually took a break shortly after I got there, so he didn’t witness all the bullying and the fighting that went on.”

“You were bullied?”

“The guys who took over from Luke were jackasses. They beat everyone, but they seemed to have it out for me. Perhaps as I wouldn’t bend to them.” He took a shuddering breath. “Eventually I started beating them back. But I hurt someone- more than someone- I hurt multiple other guys and they threw me out of there.” He sighed. “I tried to go home and…my father told me to pack my things. Tossed me out in the snow.”

“Your mom?”

He shook his head. “I ran and never went back. I found Vicrul at a youth centre, he took me in.. then I met the others. But nobody ever came to look for me. They never even tried- and whatever piece of me broke in that camp, where they beat the shit out of me day and night, completely shattered.”

A few tears slid down your cheeks and you blinked them away, catching them in your hand. Just the thought of him so young, so terrified.

“So, I’ve never had a home since. Not truly.”

You leaned up on your elbow to meet his eyes, uncaring about the sheet that slipped down and exposed your chest. “You do have a home. With your friends, in the city-“ You paused, swallowing hard. “With…me.”

He smiled and whatever crack he’d earlier put in your heart, broke open completely. “I know scholar.”

The two of you settled back down into the bed, his arm wound tightly around your back again and pulling you into him. Something burned in your eyes as you settled back onto his chest, listening to his heart- but you pushed it aside, tucked your arm around his stomach.

Your eyes fluttered shut, the soft breaths of his chest lifting your head up and down slowly and rocking you to sleep.

Your last day in the cabins was spent entirely inside. You didn’t have to return until tomorrow, so the two of you skipped all of the workshops and lectures and lunches, lounging about in bed. Ren read to you from one of the books he had brought with him and you listened, hand under your head as you lay in front of him.

Rain poured down outside, hammering against the window and making your bubble seem even cosier.

You filled your day with endless cups of coffee and not a single care in the world. You’d be pretty content to stay with him like this forever, huddled under the sheets, listening to him read Ocean Vuong.

Neither of you spoke of what he’d told you last night- but what was there to speak about? You couldn’t change what had happened to him and whilst you were grateful that he opened up to you, it would be naive to assume it meant you’d be able to change his mind about his mother and going to see her, no matter how much you wished he would.

But it was a start- a huge leap for him considering he threw you out of his office two months ago for daring to speak to his uncle.

Later in the evening when you sunk yourself into the bathtub and leaned back, he eventually found you and sat beside you for a while, hand running through the water, talking about some conversation he’d had the previous day.

When you had stretched your legs out and some of the bubbles shifted, his eyes grew dark and within seconds he was getting into the tub with you.

That evening, he ordered dinner to the cabin citing illness and it was delivered a little after six, the two of you eating it in front of the fire, clothed in your nightwear.

It seemed you were certainly making up for the lack of sex the rest of the weekend- in the bath, in the lounge, over and over that evening in the bed.

The two of you fell asleep once again in each others arms, Ren’s arms tight around you- still, you were so touched he’d opened up to you.

“Thank you.” You whispered to him- but he was already asleep.

Ren pulled up to Kiana’s apartment the next afternoon, your phone already buzzing with a thousand messages from her- you had mentioned the no signal thing, but she didn’t exactly seem to care.

“So..” You looked up at the apartment and back to your professor. “Thank you, for telling Zander to take me. I had a great time.”

“Of course.” He bowed his chin slightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow scholar.”

“See you then.” You smiled as he curled a hand around the back of your head and pulled you forward, briefly kissing you before letting you go.

You climbed out of the car and he called your name. Bending down, you met his stare as you pulled your bag out.

“Thank you.” He sighed. “For this weekend.”

You knew what he meant. You smiled at him again and shut the car door, watching as he sped off home.

Your chest tightened immeasurably as you buzzed up to Kiana’s flat. The climb to her flat was agonising, your heart hammering more with every step.

She flung open the door before you could even knock. Her eyes were puffy with tears, a tissue stuffed in her hand. You stepped back in surprise.

“Kiana, I-“ You reached for her. “What’s wrong?”

“I think..” She let out another cry. “I like Ap’lek. Im screwed! I’m completely screwed!” Your own face scrunched up and she sniffed, wiping her tears. “Wait, why do _you_ look so sad? Did you have a fight with Ren?”

Every feeling and thought that had suffocated you this weekend rushed to your mind, burying you.

“I think I’m falling in love with him.”

You burst into tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii  
> I hope you guys enjoyed! Let me know your thoughts. Coming into the mid range of the story now- less than ten chapters to go!! Exciting. 
> 
> x


	19. FUTURE PLANS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> its your birthday!

Finally, the air outside didn’t feel it was going to burn Kylo’s lungs off as he stepped out and inhaled sharply.

Spring was arriving with haste, pushing winter right out of its way, its harsh cold yielding to the warm winds finally rolling into town. It was still cloudy tonight- but puffier, lighter clouds. Not the horrible grey that had painted the sky for months now.

Checking his watch, Kylo sighed. It was still far too early to go yet. He pulled his bag out from the back of the car, slung it over his shoulder and began the ascent towards his apartment.

No noises coming from the inside- good. It meant his friends had finally left, despite their hanging around waiting for him earlier on. He had told them he’d be at the office late to work but they insisted on waiting for him to go to the club. This only fuelled him to stay later on at work, late enough that they couldn’t wait any longer for him and force him to go.

But he wasn’t in the mood and besides, he had to go pick up scholar in a few hours.

A few, very long hours.

The two of them had settled into some kind of domesticated routine, as if that weekend at the retreat had cemented them together. But it was natural- she stayed weekends and swung by his office on a Wednesday, sometimes with a coffee, to talk. Or more, if the other professors had disappeared off early.

Kylo certainly wasn’t complaining. But he found himself waiting for Friday, when she’d arrive at his apartment, smelling of fresh air and throwing her arms around him and the moment she left on Monday evening for her classes, he found himself counting down until the next meeting. 

It’d only been just over a month and a half since the retreat. What had he done before he’d met her? What had been his life before waiting for those days she was in his class, before the weekends she’d spend? Now it all felt so empty.

He put down the papers in his hand on the coffee table, bag beside them and walked to the kitchen. Grabbing a beer, he took a steady few sips and glanced at the clock with another sigh escaping his lips.

A long few hours indeed.

Car humming, Kylo glanced over at the club entrance across the road and waited, his phone buzzing with another text from scholar saying she’d only be a minute.

She hadn’t wanted to go out tonight- she’d moaned about it in his office for twenty minutes before he gave her something else to moan about. But something was wrong with Kiana and she’d begged her to go out all week. What exactly he hadn’t asked but he probably knew the answer given his own friends moodiness. That of course had lead to scholar asking him to come get her. He would’ve said no, usually- but the way her hands scratched down his back had changed his mind. Besides, it was a longer walk than he realised and he hated the thought of any of these jerks sleazing on her.

Kiana appeared first, stumbling, phone already in hand. Ren sighed, turning the car off. In _three, two…_

She hit the pavement with a crack. He was already out and striding towards them, spotting scholar dart out of the door and towards her friend. Her face lit up when she spotted him, but quickly turned neutral again as she tried to clamp down on her laughter. 

“Kiana, no.” She pulled the phone out of her hand and Ren reached down, offering her a hand up.

She smacked it away, swinging for her phone. “Ah! One of the assholes friends!”

Ren glanced up. “Ap’lek?”

Scholar nodded and grimaced as Kiana wobbled to her feet, eyes squinting as she took in her surroundings. From the wobble and the heave her chest was making, he knew exactly what was coming next.

With a swift yank, he pulled scholar out of her way right as she threw up beside them and onto the pavement.

“I’m so sorry.” Scholar muttered, squeezing his arm before giving her friend a supportive rub on the back.

Kylo sighed. Not exactly how he planned his evening. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see someone approaching the three of them, carefully stalking out the shadows. Turning, he winced upon seeing who it was.

“Hey.”

Kiana froze, turning around with a glare. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“ _You_ texted me. Eight times.” Ap’lek reminded her, folding his arms.

The two of them stood completely silent, glaring at each other. Scholar quietly stepped around her, hand twisting around Ren’s arm and slipping down to squeeze his hand. He gave her a silent squeeze in reply.

“I’m leaving.” She slammed past him, bumping his shoulder as he went. Ap’lek sighed, turning to go after her and offered a wave in goodbye before following her. She seemed to shout something at him and the two ensued in a quick argument before Ap’lek picked her up and threw her over his shoulder, striding towards his car. Scholar giggled as she watched them and finally, they were free to leave.

Unlike her friend, she was much less drunk and chatted about her night during the ride home. How they’d been sent all these free drinks, Kiana taking them all and practically offering herself on a platter as repayment. Kiana jumping into the DJ booth. Kiana throwing up all over the bathroom. It seemed to be an eventful night indeed.

When they finally arrived back the apartment, Kylo tugged on her arm and swung her around to face him.

Leaning down, he pressed his lips to hers and she let out a soft huff of air, her hands grasping his arms as he squeezed her waist.

She broke the kiss, tilting her head up to look at him. “Sorry about Kiana. She’s…in a bit of a mess and I didn’t want to leave her.”

Kylo brushed the hair out of her face, hand lingering on her cheek. God, she was so fucking beautiful. Especially in this dim lighting, her painted lips open slightly below him. All he wanted to do was kiss her over and over.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” He pecked her lips again. “I’m sure you can make it up to me somehow.”

She smiled, wound her hand into his and dragged him towards the bedroom.

Trudgen shuffled uncomfortably in the chair beneath him, huffing as he readjusted it again. As it slid down too far again, he gave up.

“I hate these seats.”

Kuruk grinned. “Joan bought them for me.”

“I bet she did.” Vicrul nudged him, almost knocking the plate of food out his hands. “You scratch her back, she scratches yours hm?”

He rolled his eyes, slamming another tray into the stove behind him. They were all gathered at his apartment to grab dinner- the only one currently missing was Ap’lek and given that scholar hadn’t heard from Kiana, Kylo guessed they were still together.

Scholar was actually invited tonight but he hadn’t passed the message on. It wasn’t that he didn’t want her here as she was more than welcome. In fact she’d be at his apartment waiting for him when he arrived home. But he needed some advice.

That was probably the last time he’d ever think that sentence, especially when it came to his friends.

Kuruk dished up some more food to them all and they began to dug in, throwing around chatter about their jobs, their lives. Vicrul mentioned a new girlfriend, Cardo told them how he’d been fined for speeding, Ushar explained how he was fine and _no_ they did not need to go on another bender tonight, he was over Rey.

The sound of her name sent a little knife into Kylo’s stomach. Why she truly hated him so much, he wasn’t sure. He knew from what Ushar had mentioned, she felt like he was using scholar but.. even now? Five months later? The fact she’d cut her friend off so easily was unsettling and he hated the fact it was hurting her. He hadn’t really spoken to Ushar about their conversation at New Year. He seemed to want to move on from it, acting completely normal.

When it came to Kylo’s turn to speak, he cleared his throat.

“It’s scholar’s birthday next weekend..” He trailed off, rolling his eyes at their grinning faces. “I need…a better idea than my current ones.”  
“ _You_ don’t have an idea?” Ushar seemed surprised, digging his fork into his food. “My, my, my…”

“Dude, throw a party.” Trudgen spat over his mouth of food. Kylo felt his mouth downturn in disgust. “Perfect opportunity!”

“You could throw it at Masie’s- she does owe us one.” Cardo mentioned.

Ren shook his head. “I don’t know..”

Kuruk snorted. “I reckon we tie you up somewhere since we did that to her on your birthday.”

They all laughed, beginning to discuss party themes and ideas. Kylo considered it- it would certainly make her laugh but he’d be damned before he let his friends tie him anywhere. _But_ it was her day and he wanted her to have what she wanted. And more.

“She wouldn’t want a party.” Ushar spoke over their raised voices. The guys stopped speaking, listening in. “I mean come on, you know her best- what do you think she’d want? I think she’d just want to be with you.”

Something like worry twisted in Kylo’s stomach. But there, underneath was a bursting sense of pride.

Kylo chewed slowly, mulling it over. He was probably right- scholar wasn’t opposed to a good party, he knew that. But Kiana could do that for her if she wanted. He wanted to do something for the two of them, especially since she’d put effort into his gift and had gone along with his friends dumb antics. “Any ideas?”

“I actually do have one. Let me make a call and get back to you?” Ushar checked and he nodded again.

“Look at our boy, all grown up with his girlfriend.” Cardo slapped his shoulder and went back to his food.

“Not my girlfriend.” He reminded them.

Kuruk rolled his eyes. “Sure, whatever you say champ.”

“Now it’s just the gift to sort.” He muttered and they all laughed.

“No gift? With a week to go?” Kuruk winced. “Yikes..”

“I’ll help you.” Vicrul piped up.

An olive branch. Things had been tense between them since before New Year and neither of them had spoken since then. Kylo hadn’t particularly been too bothered- it wasn’t like things were too awkward and nobody else had brought it up.

But he would take it. He had an idea but.. Vicrul was his oldest friend. The one he trusted the most, besides Ushar. Not being his friend anymore over something so ridiculous wouldn’t be wise.

So he nodded. Then ate his food in peace.

“You know what you’re getting her?” Vicrul bent down, glancing inside the glass cases.

“I have a good idea.” Kylo confirmed, watching as his eyes scanned over the rows and rows of rings, watches and earrings beneath him.

As if some alarm went off in his head, he straightened and glanced over at him with wide eyes. “Please tell me it’s not-“

“It’s not a ring Vic.” He huffed laugh at that, fingers lightly tapping against the surface.

“Good.” He met his stare. “Not good because of scholar, she’s great- I just- it’s been a short time, I-“

“Relax.” He rolled his eyes.

After a few moments of silence, Vicrul cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about what I said at New Year-“

“It’s-“

“No, just-“ Vic held a hand out to stop him from interrupting. “I am. But you’re my best friend and I’m worried. I’m worried about how deep you’re going with this girl- are you sure about her? Really sure? I like her, but you’re my brother. I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”

Kylo glanced over at the couple in the corner who were all over each other, squealing as they picked out a ring together.

It was something he’d never really seen for himself. To be fair, he’d never really seen a future for himself- after he lost his parents everything felt so..blank. All he could think about was the next day and then the day after that, taking everything slowly.

Of course he’d made plans career wise and those had gone a little sideways but overall, they were plans.

Romantically.. it just wasn’t something he’d considered. He didn’t like getting too close to anyone, letting them see the dark twisted inside of his mind. Mainly for fear that like his parents, they would reject him. It wasn’t something he would deal well with.

But scholar hadn’t run, hadn’t looked away. Not once. If anything, she stepped closer to him. Offered her own pain and experience, intertwined it with his.

But she’d finish school and maybe do her post-grad. Stay another year in the city, maybe even stay with him. He’d come home and she’d be there with a smile and a book in hand, arms greeting him. Then they’d leave- go where ever they felt like going, getting that shitty little apartment together with shitty jobs but it wouldn’t matter because they’d have each other and more importantly, they’d be _happy_.

Kylo blinked- because there it was. A future. Shining right in front of him, despite the fact he’d never expected it, never went searching for it.

“I’m sure.” He replied, refocusing on the jewellery below them. “More sure than anything else- for the first time I just.. I feel like everything is going to be fine. I don’t know what’s going to happen but I know it’ll be fine.”

Vicrul smiled. “Good.” He let out a long sigh and stretched his hand out towards him. “We’re okay?”

Kylo shook it. “We’re fine.”

“Glad to hear it..” He turned back to the glass and pointed to the item Kylo had been hovering over since they’d got here. “So that’s what you’re thinking, is it?”

“Yep.”

“She’ll love it.”

Jazz music played softly over the speakers, floating down and into the lobby. All around, guests milled about in their finery, arms linked, voices low as they discussed their business. The golden elevators at the top of the staircases binged open and shut. Kylo checked his watch for what felt like the tenth time the past few minutes, tugging on his sleeves again.

Tuxes- perhaps one of the most annoying outfits he had to don yet again for the second time this year. Two times too many.

The revolving doors spun again and he glanced up, hands awkwardly settling by his side as he watched someone spin around.

It was her. Finally.

Fuck.

_Fuck fuck fuck._

Scholar beamed at him as she began to walk up the stairs to where he was standing, carefully adjusting her dress to climb. It was floor length and skin tight, with two thin straps holding it up, carefully wound around her back which was almost completely exposed.

She was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, ever had the complete divine pleasure of calling his. He never wanted to stop looking at her.

He met her at the top of the stairs, hand outstretched towards her and she took it. Once at the top, she glanced around in awe, mouth popped open.

“I’ve never been in here.” She confessed.

“Come on.”

The weight of her gift felt like ten tonnes in his pocket. He knew he was being ridiculous. It was a gift, the same she’d gotten for him- but he was nervous all the same.

The elevator ride was quiet, scholar’s hand still linked around his arm, her eyes trailing along the decorative ceiling. She’d outlined them in dark eyeliner, making them seem even bigger than usual.

With a _bing!_ they stepped out into the restaurant at the top of the tower, a waiter already there and waiting.

“It’s beautiful.” She muttered, eyes still glancing around.

He hadn’t really noticed. His eyes had been on her since the moment she’d entered- but it _was_ beautiful. The city was dwarfed beneath them at the top of the tower, the buildings dotted below in a stream of lights. The restaurant itself was covered in fauna and twinkling lights, each table in its own secluded little area.

“Mr Ren.” The waiter nodded towards him and lead them to their table.

Scholar raised her eyebrows at him, following the two of them. It may look like he’d been here before, but this was all organised by Ushar. Kylo had simply visited the day prior to see exactly what it was he had organised.

But it was certainly paying off now- she definitely seemed impressed.

The waiter lead them away from the restaurant and few a through golden trimmed doors, right through to the back- to their own private room.

Their table was placed right in the corner, by the swinging patio doors which lead out to a small balcony above the city. It was probably far too cold to go outside however and they were too high up anyway- but the view was nice.

The rest of the decoration was much like the rest of the restaurant- the only difference was the fact they had complete and utter privacy.

Pulling out their chairs, they were escorted to the table, the bottle of wine already placed down and ready to pour.

“I’ll be back with the menus.” The waiter disappeared off, finally leaving the two of them alone.

Scholar kept glancing around and then outside, her eyes full of surprise, wonder, joy. It was something that pleased him to no end.

“This is..” She let out a long breath of air, watching as he began to pour some of the wine out. “Amazing. Really, amazing.”

“Not disappointed?”

“No!” She shook her head, smiling. “You kidding? God I was bracing myself for some godawful party, this is a million times better.”

Something in his heart began to glow at that.

The waiter returned, slipping the menus onto the table in front of them before disappearing again. The candle in between them burned and it smelled like she did- of sweet perfume and coconuts. It was a smell that he’d never forget.

Scholar smiled at him again and reached, squeezing his hand.

He’d never forget that smile either.

The meal went better than he could’ve hoped. The two of them chatted all evening- of school, of their favourite books, music. Of past birthday, future birthdays. She spoke of the time Finn had took them to a strip club and she’d almost died of embarrassment. He confessed they’d done the same for Kuruk’s birthday and whilst the birthday boy himself had loved it, Kylo had gone home less than an hour later.

Gifts they’d gotten as children and adults, movies, food, wine. Everything and anything.

The food was delicious too- probably better than anything either of them could ever make and the way scholar’s cheeks glowed with glee had his heart doing backflips, a warm feeling coating his body as he listened to her speak.

It was the most open he’d ever been with anybody, the most he’d ever discussed about himself. Conversation wasn’t exactly his strong suit but with her.. it was just different. It flowed so naturally. He’d never had this. Not even with his parents nor his friends.

Once the waiter had taken away the last of their dishes and another bottle of wine, Kylo slipped a few notes into his hand to leave them for the rest of the night in peace. He offered a polite nod, clapped Ren’s shoulder and disappeared.

Scholar got up, hands running over the porch handles as she glanced outside again. “Can we go out?”

“It’ll be freezing-“ He warned as she opened one of the doors. The winds rushed in, but quickly calmed down and she stepped outside to look.

Kylo followed her, slipping his jacket off to hang round her shoulders. She smiled up at him gratefully and went back to surveying the city below, the noises of cars, people, life itself rising up and up.

“I always think this city is so small and yet..” She turned to face him, leaning against the pillar behind her. The wind lifted her hair out of her face, her arms wound around her chest in an an attempt to keep warm.

“Still want to get out of here?”

It was a loaded question, he could admit that. He of course secretly hoped she had applied for the post-graduate course, that she would stay- but they hadn’t discussed it. Not really. Scholar stepped closer to him, running a hand up his jacket.

“Eventually.” She shrugged, straightening his collar up. A non-committal answer.

Perhaps before Kylo would’ve freaked out, demanded she tell him what she was thinking immediately and refused to talk about anything else until she did so. But he clamped down on it. It wasn’t the time and besides, he’d get an answer out of her about it eventually.

She leaned up on her toes and brushed her lips against his, hands pulling his collar down to meet her. He did as she wished, bending down to meet her and his hands wrapped around her body, pulling her close.

“I have something for you.” Kylo muttered into her mouth.

He could feel her smile. “Sounds dirty.”

Shaking his head, he stepped back from her slightly and pulled the little box out of his pocket, holding it out towards her. From the sudden paleness in her face, she was perhaps having the same terrifying thought that Vicrul had- but Kylo just nodded towards it, waiting for her to open it.

It opened with a little creak and her eyes grew wide as she took it in, a trembling finger reaching up to touch it, turning over.

“Wow.”

She carefully pulled it out of it’s box, dangling it in front of them. A small, silver bracelet- pretty plain and simple. He knew she didn’t love over the top jewellery, given that she never seemed to wear it. But dangling from it was a charm, a little book that was engraved with tiny letters on either side.

“R..” She looked up at him. Her voice shook. “For…Ren?”

He nodded, watching as she turned it over.

“S…” She trailed off. “For scholar?”

Everything in him was shouting in agony, waiting for her reaction. It was simple, so simple and not even close to what he’d really wanted to get her- but he didn’t want to scare her off. Having a piece of him on her forever just felt right and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from buying it, from having them engrave the two letters that meant so much to him.

Her eyes glazed with tears and for a moment, he worried he’d gotten it so horribly wrong and she was about to throw the box right back in his face, ask him what the hell he was thinking.

But she stood forward and tucked her arms around his middle, hugging his chest tightly and he felt himself relax, winding his arms around her again.

“Thank you.” She sniffed, burying her face deeper into his jacket. “I love it.”

“You didn’t want something..more? Bigger?” He asked.

She stood back, shaking her head. He noticed a few gleaming tears on her cheek and reached, wiping them away.

“No.” She shook her head. “Not at all- this is perfect.”

Scholar held it out to him with a smile and he helped her clip it around her wrist. It was a little loose but she didn’t seem to mind, letting it slide up her arm as she reached her hands back up and tugged again.

Ren kissed her, feeling her tongue sweep into his mouth almost immediately, her body pressing against his.

He moved at the same time she did, the two of them stumbling backwards towards the balcony and pressing her against it, Ren swallowed her surprised gasp with another kiss, his hands winding into her hair.

Another thing about scholar- she was just so damn easy to lose yourself in. To forget where you were, who you were. Nothing in the world mattered when it was just the two you, wether that was in the classroom, the middle of a party or in the apartment. Everything else faded away, ceasing to exist.

His jacket fell off her shoulders, slipping onto the ground below them and she hitched herself upwards so her ass caught on a piece of the balcony, her legs winding around him.

“Scholar..” He muttered into her mouth. “Any further and I won’t be able to stop.” He knew she might not be thinking clearly, those two bottles of wine going straight to her head as they were rushing to his.

“Is he coming back? The waiter?” She broke the kiss, but wound her legs around him tighter. Kylo felt himself go hard at the sight of her beneath him under the moonlight, the shadows dancing across her skin. His hands trailed down her chests, circling around her breasts and she shivered.

“No. Not.. for a while.”

“Good.” She tugged at the straps of her dress, allowing them to fall just enough to show her chestand met his devouring stare again. “Then, fuck me.”

Surprise coursed through him- she’d never been quite so demanding, so brazen. He could feel his erection grow bigger, his hands pawing at her breasts, tugging gently on her nipple. She buckled her hips towards his, rubbing against him. The soft moan she let out broke his own self control.

His hands skimmed down, pushing her long skirts out the way and straight for her needy little cunt which, stars above, wasn’t covered by any underwear.

She was already soaking, her hand gripping his shoulder as he slipped two fingers inside of her without any hesitation, thumb twisting around to stroke her clit.

Twitching, she let her head fall back, let the moonlight drape itself around her neck. She let out little short pants, her breasts wobbling as she rode his hand.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” He muttered and she clenched around him in response, riding his hand, mouth open.

She let out another moan and he nodded in approval.

“That’s it.. let everyone hear you.” He pushed in further, fingers right to the knuckles and she mewled. “Let everyone see how well I fuck you. How well you take me.”

God knows who could see them- it was pretty secluded round here but the windows straight across the bay were a perfect viewpoint for what they were currently doing.

She twitched around him and as much as he wanted to watch her finish all over the balcony with the city below, he wanted to feel her more. He unbuckled his own pants, letting them just fall slightly and pulled his cock out, already throbbing for her.

Kylo’s hand got a firm grasp on her waist as she adjusted herself on the stone, pushing her cunt out towards him for better access, her eyes darting behind her to all the lit up windows behind them as if she might be having second thoughts.

“Too late now scholar.” Kylo muttered in her ear as he gripped her hips and slid into her. She let out a broken moan, arms winding around his neck. He shuffled around for a few moments before finally finding his rhythm, hands grasping her thighs as he pumped inside of her.

Scholar moaned as his lips found her neck, kissing, biting, nipping. His tongue ran along her pulse line, only stopping when he reached her mouth and shoved it inside of there.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She cried, looking down at where the two of them connected. As if they were made to fit together. “Ky-lo.”

As much as he didn’t mind her calling him Ren, nothing heated his blood more than when she called him Kylo. Something about it felt more intimate, more personal from the days when he’d fucked her in his office and told her to leave immediately after.

Stupid, so stupid to think back then that would be it for them. To think it would be a few times, she’d pass her exam and leave the class, never to be seen again. He should’ve known from the second she walked in how special she was. How intoxicating she could be, like a drug.

Kylo jerked in surprise as her own mouth found the side of his jaw, nipping the skin right beside his ear. He let out a groan, hand travelling down to rub against her cunt which was clenching around him, ready to cum.

Her moans rattled around his brain. _“Fu-u-ck.”_

“Wider, sweetheart.” He could see she was tired from sitting up on the stone at this awkward angle, her legs closing slightly. But he wanted full access to her, to her pussy. She lifted her legs a little higher and he helped her, pushing them apart and trapping them there with his palms. Her mouth hung open, tits bouncing.

“That feel good?” He asked. She nodded, trying to regain some control- but he could feel the heat between her legs, the twitching of her thighs. She was close. “Who’s pussy is this?”

“I-“

Kylo slammed balls deep into her and she cried out. “Who does this belong to?” He growled at her. “Who do _you_ belong to?”

“You, you, _you_.” She panted.

He slid out again and back in, just as hard. Her hands dug into his shoulders as he pressed down harder on her thighs, forcing them to stay open.

“Say my name.” He let go of one of them, hand moving back to her clit and rubbing quickly. She almost folded in half, her head barely holding itself up as she looked at him. So fucking gorgeous and his- all his.

“Ren-“

He released the pressure slightly and she whined.

“ _Kylo_.”

He sped up again, picking up the pace. She groaned, tensing around him and the sight of it was almost undoing him.

 _“Kylo, kylo, kylo_.” She muttered, as if it was the only thing she knew to say, the only word her brain could currently retain. He smiled, fucking her even harder.

Scholar managed pulled herself back up, broken groans escaping her, and dug her hands into his arms as she leaned up to kiss him, the two of them pressed even closer than before.

She came, hard and fast, calling out his name as she shuddered, her chest pressed into his. Her orgasm seemed to last forever, the waves of it rolling on and on as she clenched and loosened around him. Kylo came as he watched her, muttering her own name like a prayer.

They had been still for a while, still pressed together when he eventually shifted away. He lifted her down off the stone and onto the balcony below, supporting her as she wobbled on her heels and the two of them slipped back inside.

Kylo tucked his jacket over her shoulders again, smiling at the lipstick that was now smeared down the side of her mouth, the elegant hair that had been strewn wildly by the wind.

He reached and wiped it away, her own hands combing through her hair, attempting to look a little more normal.

“Thank you, for tonight. For the gift. This was…amazing.” She was looking up at him, those eyes searing his soul. Kylo bowed his head and she reached up again, pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“I mean it. Thank you.” She muttered again for emphasis. Kissed him again. And again. Kylo gripped her, steadying himself- if she didn’t stop, they’d be going for round two much quicker than expected.

“You’re welcome scholar.”

“Definitely in my top three of birthdays. Maybe number two..” She trailed off. “That depends on what happens when we leave here.”

Kylo chuckled. “Come on.” He slipped his hand into hers. “Let’s go home.”

Her answering smile cracked his heart wider than anything ever had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all your support y'all. Much love. 
> 
> X


	20. ANYTHING FOR HIM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hmmmm plot. nice.

“Oh god.” Kiana clenched your arm, stopping you from walking any further. “What if my entire argument is based on that weird dream I had last June?”

You frowned at her outburst. _“What?”_

“No, I’m serious, oh my god.” She started to open the folder in front of her in a panic, almost ripping off the plastic holding it all together as she desperately clawed at it. “What if I got the spacing wrong!”

“Kiana- hey-“ She fought against your hands. “Kiana- come on!” You practically tore it out of her hands. “Okay, please for the love of god calm down.”

She almost looked like she was ready to start crying right there. You knew this wasn’t the only thing stressing her out- she was having a shitty time at the moment and handing in your dissertations weren’t helping that stress.

It was finally here- after months and months of writing, the time to hand in your dissertations had come and you were ready. It kind of felt like the last piece of the puzzle to college. It had consumed most of your time, your thoughts and now.. it was over. Your futures were finally ahead of you.

That certainly made you more miserable than you cared to admit.

“It’s going to be fine.” You reached for her hand and squeezed it gently. “Come on. Shove them in the boxes, meet back here in 10 and we’ll go get a drink. Deal?”

She nodded, hands trembling as she took the fat wads of paper out your arms again and started in the opposite direction, towards her own campus building.

You took a deep breath and walked towards your own. This dissertation had been a constant, solid structure in your life this year- walking away from it felt so distant, so unreal. The only other constant thing.. you didn’t want to think about him right now. Not when handing this in meant ending the part of your life when you met him, leaving behind the thing that brought you together.

Not that it would necessarily end so tragically. You did have a decision to make, and an important one at that. But what to choose.. you just weren’t quite sure.

A small queue was formed outside the office, students carefully popping in their prized possession into the stand in front of them. Each one looked every bit as relieved and terrified as you did- selfishly, it eased the worries in your gut. You weren’t alone in this.

When you reached the front, your fingers dug into the paper, eyes skimming the one right beneath you. A part of you wanted to hold onto it forever, to stay exactly where you were. With your friends, with Ren, with your life.

But it was time to move forward- to move onto bigger, brighter things. It was time to fix things with your friends, to figure out your future and where Ren fitted into that.

All you could do from here on out was move forward.

“What if I forgot the bibliography?”

The two of you had made to Holkins- just. It had taken twenty minutes of dragging Kiana away from the godforsaken building she’d handed her work into and you had practically tied her to her seat to stop her from going back for it. Out of the two of you, she was usually extremely laid back- to see her so worried was almost unsettling.

“You haven’t, we checked each others work the other night.”

“What if I forgot your bibliography?”

“Then I’ll murder you.”

“What if I printed it on yellow paper?”

“How the hell would you do that? You don’t own yellow paper.”

“I panicked bought a lot of paper, you never know.”

“Okay-“

“What if-“

You rubbed against your forehead in circles. “Kiana, talk about literally anything else. Please.”

The girl in front of you sighed in response and put her head down on the table. The drink beside her head rattled. Her braids were freshly laid, tied into a tight bun near the nape of her neck. You had convinced her to get some new ones, to give herself an end of dissertation treat- but it hadn’t helped much and she seemed just as miserable as before.

“How do you feel about it?” She peeked up at you.

“Empty.” You confessed. That made her get up at least, head sitting in her hands. “Lost, confused.. shall I go on?”

“What are your options?”

“Post grad or..Portland.” You swallowed the word as if it was poison. Something you still hadn’t mentioned to Ren- at the time, to avoid dampening the mood. Now.. for fear of hurting him it seemed.

Kiana took a long sip of her drink, wincing at the strength of it. “Do you really want to go to Portland?”

“I don’t know what I want.”

“What’s stopping you?” You gave her a look and she shook her head. “Kylo?”

“Not just him- more experience, a more appropriate degree for these kinds of jobs.” You drew a circle in the table with the condensation that had run off the glass, a little broken heart. “But yes, Ren too.”

“Why?”

“Hm?”  
“Why are you even considering him? He isn’t your boyfriend and it’s not like he’s ever made a move close to that.” She so tactfully reminded you.

You bit down on the harsh words attempting to claw back at her from your mouth. _She’s having a rough time._ “I.. I don’t know. But he’s a consideration I want to take in, okay?”

“Fine by me.” She huffed. “Good to know I won’t have to do that.”

“Things haven’t improved with Ap’lek then?”

“No.”

_Wouldn’t take a genius to work that out…_

Kiana had finally divulged to you the full details of whatever this thing with Ap’lek was. He had showed up at her apartment over Christmas and said he hated her- but he couldn’t stop thinking about her. Thus started their..affair, you guessed? You know for a fact Ren had caught them and hadn’t told you, something you’d nail him for later.

“It’s like you and Ren I guess. He just has sex with me, dumps me off at home, doesn’t call for days… I told him I was sick of it and he told me to stop coming back. But I..can’t. Then he’ll show up, like he’s my…augh!”

You opened your mouth to comfort her but paused. Was it like that with you and Ren? Had it ever truly been? Yes, he hadn’t exactly been the most charming during your early encounters and fucking hell, he was like a clam when you tried to get any kind of information out of him but..

It felt like he knew you better than anyone in the world, just as you felt like you knew him pretty well. He’d talked about his past, eventually. You’d told him of yours. He’d met your parents. You were there almost every weekend, if not most of the week too. Not just sex either- sometimes he’d make dinner or collect it in, you’d both read on the sofa together until late or talk about some ridiculous play you’d both watched.

At night when he slept you’d watch those worry lines disappear right off his face, think about how youthful he looked. How peaceful. You’d wonder if there would ever be a time he’d look like that permanently, if you could give that to him. In the morning, he was nearly always there when you woke up. Not always but you knew he was adjusting to it slowly. He’d still be in the apartment, just in the kitchen or in his little office area, already grading and working. But he wouldn’t leave or disappear without a note or a text.

It wasn’t just sex. You weren’t sure if it ever had been. It was kind of a terrifying realisation how much he’d taken over your life with such ease and you weren’t even angry about it.

“Oh god, I’m sorry- I’m a fucking bitch.” Kiana scooted closer to you and ran a hand over your cheek, which was damp. You hadn’t even realised you’d started crying.

“Fuck, sorry- I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Kiana put an arm around you, squeezing. “Me- it’s me being a horrible person about Ren when you deal with that enough from your other idiot friends. I know it’s not the same with you two, I know it’s…more complicated. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You sniffed, wiping away the tears on your face. “I’m sorry things with Ap’lek aren’t going how you want them too- and he is like Ren. Just..more uptight, if that’s possible.”

She giggled, shaking her head and raised her glass towards yours. “We know how to pick em’ huh?”

“We certainly do.” You sniffed again. “Here’s to finishing college more confused than ever.”

“Here here.”

_Dinner?_

You smiled at the text on your phone.

_Give me an hour. I need to shower._

A few moments and then-

_Shower here. I’ll help you get clean._

A slightly more tempting offer- and not just for the sexual promise that lay in the text. Ren’s shower was far nicer than your own and the pressure was enough to take your skin off but that’s what you liked.

_See you in twenty._

“Oh shit-“

You swore as you bumped into someone, so lost in your own thoughts of Ren and your texts that you didn’t even see whoever was standing outside your front door, hands stretching out to steady the two of you.

“It’s okay.”

You froze, hand clenching the bag over your shoulder as it swung around.

Oh stars.

Han Solo was standing outside your door.

Kylo Ren’s father was standing, hands tucked in his pockets, outside your front door.

What the fuck?

“A surprise, I’m sure.” He muttered gruffly. You had probably said that out loud without meaning too. “Can we talk?”

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

“Look, listen to what I have to say. Then, I’ll go and you’ll never be bothered by me again. I promise.” He sighed. “You don’t even have to tell Ben I was here.”

Something twisted in your gut at that. You didn’t want to lie to him and if you were to invite his father in, you’d have to tell him. Keeping Portland a secret was eating you up as it was…

“Fine.” Whatever drove him to track you down must mean this was serious, especially given your last encounter. “Ten minutes. Then you need to go.”

He nodded and followed you inside. Thankfully it seemed your roommates weren’t in at the moment, likely a blessing. With the way they were acting at the moment they would probably find a way to talk to Ren before you could.

The two of you awkwardly shuffled into the kitchen, Han taking a seat at your kitchen table whilst you leaned against the counter behind you across from him.

His eyebrows furrowed as he opened his mouth a few times, but closed it quickly after. As if he was unsure where to begin.

You could see it then- the slight movements he made that were so similar to Ren’s own demeanour. Whilst the two only seemed to share an eye colour physically, the thoughtful look within them was identical. The way he slouched in the chair but still look refined, the careful way his hands fiddled with the cloth covering the table.

“How did you find me?” You asked, trying to break the tension.

He scoffed. “It doesn’t matter but I know.. look I’ve always kept an eye on Ben, from a distance. I pretend I don’t because he’d get so angry but I always have. So when you started coming around more and more I realised that this finally might be an in.”

“An in?”  
“It’s no secret how reserved my son is and I don’t know how much he’s told you-“

“He’s told me what I need to know.”

Han’s eyebrows raised. “The fact he told you anything at all.. you have to understand how big that is. I’m here because I need your help.”

“I figured as much. But you need to go to Kylo, not me. Be patient, lose the aggression-“

“I lost my temper last time, I’ll admit that and I’m sorry you had to see it. My wife is very sick and I’m scared- I’m terrified to lose her, I’m terrified to watch her suffer this pain. The only ailment she wishes for is to speak to her son and I-“ He shook his head. “I can’t give that to her. He hates me. My son hates me.”

You rubbed your arm awkwardly. “He feels abandoned.”

“And he has every right too- but it was all me. Leia did nothing except listen to her arrogant, idiot husband. By the time she sought Ben out it was too late. He wanted nothing to do with us.”

“But how am I supposed to fix this? It’s not like I’m..” You sighed. “It’s not like I’m his..”

“That doesn’t matter. I really think you could help me. Just talk to him, ask him to come see his mother- I’ll stay out the way. I won’t even have to see him if he so wishes.”

“I-“ You started to protest, but he interrupted.

“If it was him.” He met your stare. “If he was this sick- wouldn’t you do anything you could to help him? To find the one thing he truly wanted and get it to him no matter what? I will do anything to make my wife feel better and I know he hates me, I know we made so many mistakes but.. _please_.”

The two of you stood in awkward silence for a few moments as you stared at your shoes. To go to Ren about this when it had been going so well between you.. it just seemed idiotic. To ruin the good spell between you.

But you couldn’t hide in this fantasy land where everything between you was sweet forever- because that’s exactly what it is. A fantasy. You and Ren had plenty of problems you needed to deal with and had been putting them off for months. Dealing with his past was only one part of everything you needed to fix never mind your own family, Portland, the fact you two were in a strange limbo of not together but together.

Like you said- it was time to move forward. To take action.

Han stood to leave, offering you a quick nod as he scooted towards the kitchen door.

“Wait.” You rubbed your forehead. “I’ll talk to him but.. you need to come too.”

He grimaced. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”  
“You either come and try talk to him again, or I won’t help.” You stood your ground, determined not to let him chicken out.

He considered it for a moment, shifting his weight from foot to foot, sighing gently- something Ren also often did. Strange how similar they were, for two men who had spent most of their lives apart from each other.

“Fine.” He decided.

“Fine.”

Your stomach twisted in endless knots as you climbed the stairs to Ren’s apartment fifteen minutes later, hand gripping the banister the entire way up. You were terrified- of his reaction, of what would happen.

Okay, perhaps Kylo Ren wasn’t the man you met six months ago but.. had he truly changed that much? Would he even listen to you, or throw you out on your ass immediately? And if he did, what did that mean for the two of you?  
“I’ve walked this staircase a hundred times.” Han muttered behind you. “Only made it to the door twice.”

Your stomach twisted in something like sadness, of guilt- but you reminded yourself of the story Ren had told you. Of how he’d been abandoned, left out in the cold when he was a child himself.

Steeling yourself, you knocked twice.

_Please don’t hate me, please don’t hate me, please don’t-_

The door swung open to reveal Ren in his casual clothes, arm leaning on the doorframe as he took you in. No smile, as always, but his eyes gleamed as he took you in- he was in a good mood then. One you were about to completely ruin unfortunately.

“Scholar.” He reached for you, to kiss you perhaps, but you stepped back slightly. His face crumpled and then, completely stilled as his eyes drifted to the body standing beside you.

“Don’t freak out.” You said it so quickly, it surprised you as your brain caught up with your mouth.

His eyes darted between you and his father and you could see the betrayal there, the hurt- it felt worse than any illness in the world, any kind of pain. But this was for his own good.

“What is he doing here.” He gripped the doorframe so hard you wondered if the wood would snap and splinter beneath his fingers.

“Can we talk? Two minutes, then you never have to listen to it again.” You met his deathly glare that was still set on his father. “Please. I wouldn’t ask if.. please Ren.”

He debated for a moment before stiffly standing to one side, leaving just enough room for you to pass him and step inside. You turned at the hallway door, watching as Han shuffled in behind you and promptly stopped right beside the door.

Ren, surprisingly, came to stand beside you. But he didn’t reach for you, or bother throwing you so much as a glance as he did and instead turned his back to listen to his father.

“I tracked her down. Not the other way around- and I had to beg for her help before you convince yourself she’s done some horrible thing.” Han played with the scarf in his hands, wrapping it around them tightly before dropping it and repeating this over and over. He was nervous.

“Doesn’t answer my question.”

Han swallowed. “Your mother. I’m here to ask you one last time, about seeing her-“

“Nope.”

He turned away from him but you reached out, placing a steadying hand on his chest. You half wondered if he might slap it away but he paused. His eyes shut as he let out a loud huff of air- trying to calm himself down.

“Just listen.” You mumbled.

He still didn’t turn around, but he didn’t push past you either. Just took another deep breath. You peered around him to offer Han a nod.

“Come and see her. Before.. she’s gone. I’ll stay out of your way completely, I won’t even be there alright kid? Just you and your mom. Please.” Han looked like he was ready to get on his knees and start begging. His eyes looked watery from this distance. “Please- it’s all she wants. Please.”

No sounds came from your professor. It didn’t even seem like he was breathing as he stood, high above you, eyes shut. You stood in complete silence waiting for his reply, your stomach twisting even more than before.

“You will be nowhere within distance of the hospital.” He said it so quietly, your head jerked up to look at him.

Han’s eyebrows raised, mouth opening in surprise for a moment before he managed to get some words out. “I just need to know when you’re coming to stay out the way.”

“This weekend.” Ren’s eyes finally, _finally_ , opened and he stared straight at you as he spoke. “I’ll stay in a hotel and visit in the afternoon. Understood?”

“Okay.” Han let out a long sigh of relief. “Yes, okay.” He turned to go and paused, hand on the door as he stepped outside. He looked so dejected, as if he hadn’t gotten what he came for- you wondered if perhaps he hadn’t. If there was some small part of him that hoped Ren would forgive them both with open arms. Then- “Thank you kid.”

Ren’s eyes closed again as he closed the door behind him. His fists balled up and you contemplated ducking before he could smack the plaster beside you- but he stayed still and began to breath deeply again.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered. You were- there was no part of you that wanted to drag any of this pain into his life. “It’s nothing to do with me, I know. I just know not seeing her before anything happens.. you can’t live with that weight on yourself Ren. But I’m sorry that he just turned up.”

Still, nothing. Perhaps it was time to leave him alone for a while, as he often preferred. You could maybe dip in before he goes for the weekend, after classes one day-

“I’m only going if you come.”

“What?”

He blinked, towering above you again as he straightened. “You heard me.”

“I can’t just-“

“You want me to go? Fine. But you have to come.” His face hardened, but you could see the pleading in his eyes. “Please, scholar.”

Dangerous- so dangerous to walk even further into this with him when you knew your feelings for him, when there was still he chance he may not return them.

But you didn’t want to leave him to the wolves. You had asked him to go and it was only fair you accompanied him.

“Okay.” You nodded, noting the relieved slump in his shoulders. You poked his arm. “My parents don’t live far from yours. Perhaps I’ll pay them a visit and then we can both be equally miserable.”

He rolled his eyes, but he slung an arm around your waist and lead you into the apartment. You buried your face into his sweater, grateful he wasn’t furious with you. For now, anyway.

Perhaps seeing your parents would actually be a good idea, to let them know how you felt once and for all.

If Kylo Ren was going to face his demons, the least you could do is face yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! Hope u enjoyed- sorry for the lack of smut. It's going to be slightly smut deficit for a few chapters but I'll do my best to make the last few chapters good. Not long to the end now!
> 
> Much love guys.


	21. GRATEFUL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> goodbye family, hello...future?

“You ready to do this?”

The look you received from your professor was enough to tell you two things- he was not ready and he was not happy with you either. But you didn’t care. This was important for him to do and whilst you were happy to go and support him, you weren’t going to put up with a shitty mood from him all weekend.

The two of you were just making your way out of town on route to the airport. You’d left late, Ren’s fault, and he was gunning it up the highway to make the flight. You kept your attention on the cars surrounding the two of you, on the people passing by- spring break was beginning and soon the city would be empty, college kids searching for the sun down in the south.

It seemed to be that this was going to be your spring break trip, unfortunately- Kiana was busy visiting her parents, a needed break away from Ap’lek, and your other friends were still not your friends.

You’d done the spring break thing before anyway and whilst it was fun, you still had two exams to prepare for and the dissertation work had taken the spirit right out of you to do any kind of partying- all you wanted to do was sleep for a few solid weeks.

“When are you going to your parents?” Ren asked gruffly.

“Probably on the Sunday. I’ll get the bus from the hospital.”

“I’ll take you-“

“No.” You shook your head. “I need to do this myself. I’ll be less than a few hours and we can go grab some dinner.”

“Isn’t the bus an hours journey?”

“I plan to be in and out at my parents.”

Ren scowled. “I don’t understand what’s prompted this.”

“My decision to cut them off?” He nodded. “Truthfully.. I’ve considered it for a very, very long time but my friends always told me not to. That it was stupid, that maybe she’d change and even if she didn’t, I’d miss my dad. That’s true but..it’s not a good enough reason anymore.” You sighed. “But Kiana has convinced me otherwise and…considering you’re going up this weekend to deal with your parents, I figured I should deal with mine too.”

“I haven’t-“ He cleared his throat. “I haven’t..influenced this?”

“You think you’re the reason I’m cutting them off?” You shook your head. “Don’t be silly. Not at all- it’s just…time.”

Ren met your glance and nodded, returning his focus back to the road. No more questions about your parents, but it seemed you had eased him- his grip on the steering wheel loosened ever so slightly.

The flight went as smoothly as it could- you had arrived slightly late, but made the final boarding call and Ran had surprisingly fallen asleep for most of the three hour journey. From the bags under his eyes, it seemed he perhaps hadn’t sleep well the night before. You didn’t blame him- you would’ve been tossing and turning too if you were in his shoes.

The hotel was nice too- not too seedy and twenty minutes from the hospital. Given Ren was only supposed to be there tomorrow, you had the entire night to yourselves. But it was hardly the setting for anything romantic and the two of you were a bundle of nerves about the approaching parental visits.

Whilst your professor went for a shower, you flicked through the cable TV and debated in your mind how exactly you’d even begin this conversation with your parents. ‘I’m cutting you off’ didn’t seem exactly the best way to start the conversation, but what the hell would you even say? Where to even begin with your mothers long list of crimes? More importantly, what would your father think or even say? It seemed unlikely he’d follow your lead but you could hope.

You were starting to get worried after about twenty minutes and Ren still hadn’t appeared back out. Tenderly knocking on the bathroom door, you could hear the running water but no reply came. The door was unlocked and when you stepped inside, you were almost blinded by the steam- but Ren was there, standing underneath the running water with his back to you. Your eyes ran down the length of his back, swallowing at the rippling muscles there and you began to pull off your clothes.

The water was scalding- you winced as you stepped in beside him and turned it down slightly. If he noticed you, he didn’t give anything away- his eyes stayed focused on the marble wall in front of him, hands pressed against it.

“Talk to me.” You muttered, running a gentle hand over his arms, stepping further into the water and letting it run down your body. “What’s wrong?”

He shook his head, which was completely soaked. You reached and pushed the hair out of his eyes, grasping his chin to look at you.

“Kylo.”

He turned, just enough to face you, but his eyes still didn’t quite meet yours- he had his guard up again. But you could take a good guess at what was bothering him. You’d seen the haunted look in his eyes this afternoon.

“You don’t have to go tomorrow.” You reminded him. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“But you think it’s a good idea?” Came his gruff reply.

You nodded. “Yes but…it doesn’t mean I’m going to force you, or be disappointed if you don’t see her tomorrow. You make your own choices, your own path. If you want to go home, we’ll go.”

“I don’t want to feel the way I did.”

Stretching onto your toes, you brushed a careful kiss against his mouth. “You won’t- like you said, you aren’t him anymore. You killed him.”

“And if I do? If I find…he survived?”

“Then we deal with that together. But you are anything but weak or cowardly. You’re a _man_ who went through a lot. Okay?”

His hands unwound themselves and started to touch you. You felt your cheeks head as he moved his hands in long strokes- but the movement felt more comforting than passionate. As if he was searching for an anchor.

“I was a horrible kid sometimes.” He muttered. “But I had to have done something. Some redeeming act, though I couldn’t possibly tell you what it might have been.”

You squinted at him over the water, his hands pushing your hair away from your face. “Why’s that?”

“I don’t know how else to explain you.” Was all he said before his lips crashed against yours, hands tugging your body closer to his.

No words came from you, only soft moans as he began to touch you again. But what could you say? How could you tell this man, one you had once despised, had imagined being able to walk away from, how you felt the same? How you weren’t sure who sent him to you, but thank god they did or you would’ve been lost forever in the wilderness.

More importantly, how irreversibly in love with him you were?

Clearwater Hospital was certainly a step up from the one in your own city. Everything about it felt sterile, neat, welcoming. Plants sprouted up in the corner of every room and lobby as if to scream ‘life’ at you, to let you know this was somewhere to be. Even the uniforms were bright shades of blues and pinks.

It had never been in your plans to come inside. You fully intended to get a cab here with Ren and head straight for the bus stop on the other side of the road. But you’d taken a look at him once the two of you exited the cab and when his eyes met yours, you’d already made up your mind to go inside with him. Your parents could wait until tomorrow.

“Can I help?” A nurse greeted the two of you as you lingered helplessly in the main lobby. 

“We’re looking for Leia Organa- or Solo. I don’t know which she’s under.”

Ren had mentioned at one stage or another that whilst his parents had married, his mother wanted to keep her own name as she was involved in politics and wanted to be known as who she’d always been. So while some knew her as Solo, she was mostly known as Organa.

“She’s on the second floor, right hand wing. Do you want me to get someone to guide you there?”

“I think we’ll manage.” You shot her a grateful smile. “Thank you.”

Tugging his arm, Ren followed you to the elevators at the other end of the lobby and the two of you rode up to the second floor. He didn’t make a single movement- not a single nervous tap of his foot or a flex of his fingers. But you knew he was nervous.

There were some plastic chairs seated just outside the right wing and you took a seat, pulling a book out of your bag. No Han in sight it seemed, just as he promised- you could only hope he would keep it. Ren blinked down at you, stopping short in front of you.

“I’m going to be right here.” You reminded him. There was only so much you could do with him and it was important for him to take these final steps himself- besides, it wouldn’t exactly be the most comfortable atmosphere if you went in with him. The two of them needed to talk freely.

He didn’t say anything, just offered you a curt nod and headed down the hallway to the little door at the end.

So you waited.

The bus bumped again and almost threw your book out of your hands. You huffed in annoyance, glancing out the window once more before turning back to the pages in front of you.

The journey was going much slower than you wanted- you’d still be back for dinner of course, but you were already thirty minutes behind when you had expected to be there by and it was still a fifteen minute walk to your parents from the station.

But you were grateful to be on the bus, to have some space. Ren had been in a strange mood since yesterday.

You had waited, two hours, whilst he talked to his mother. When he eventually reappeared he’d said nothing about it. He hadn’t looked nervous or angry or sad- there was nothing on his face except a blank slate. You had tried to gently question him a few times but each time you’d received a clipped ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ and after a while, you’d given up. He clearly didn’t want to talk about it and you weren’t in the mood to push. You’d ordered food to the room and he’d gone to sleep ridiculously early- the only comfort you got was during the night when he wound his arms tightly around you and pressed a gentle kiss behind your ear.

He was still just as silent this morning- but he’d decided to go back to the hospital again to see his mother and you hadn’t gone with him. It would take more than one visit to heal the wounds between them, you knew that. But you hated that he’d shut you out on whatever he was feeling- you felt lost.

Still, it was time to focus on yourself and your own journey. There was still nothing coming to mind about where you’d begin this conversation with your mother, but it was too late to turn back now. It hadn’t quite gotten through to you yet, that this would be it… no more awful christmases, no more guilt tripping birthdays or gifts with loaded intentions. You’d be truly free of them and their chains.

It was truly a thought you savoured.

The front door loomed in front of you, you hand braced just in front of it. You swallowed the agonising breaths in your chest and knocked twice before entering into the hall, glancing around.

A shout came from the direction of the sitting room. “Hello?”

 _Breath_.

“It’s me.”

_Breath breath breath._

“Who is me?” Your mother had on her sweet, polite guests voice and smile as she turned the corner and upon spotting it was just you, her daughter, it dropped immediately. “Oh. What are you doing here?”

“I came to see to you- to talk you actually. Both of you.”

She scowled. “You came all this way to talk to us?”

“Well, I was in the area anyway-“

“So, you were in the area anyway and didn’t even bother to drop a line to let us know you would be dropping in to _talk to us_?” She tutted, turning on her heel. “Your fathers in here.”

You followed, pulling the scarf around your neck off and into your hands, bundling it around them. Perhaps to stop yourself from slapping your mother, or to protect the skin there from her biting cold words.

Your father beamed as you walked into the living room and as you reached down to offer him a hug, your stomach twisted in guilt.

What you were doing? What were you thinking, coming here, cutting them off? He’d never left you and now you were leaving.

Your mother propped herself against the mantle, as if readying for an argument. “She’s here to talk to us.”

Clearing your throat, you played with the thread at the end of your jacket. Your mouth opened a few times, but nothing came out- not a single thing.

But your mother beat you to the punch. “Don’t tell us you’re here to say you’ve been knocked up by that awful man.”

“What? No! Geez mom.” You shook your head. “I’m here..to pick some things up.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Pick some things up? I thought you were here to talk to us?”

“I’m picking up just a few things because.. I’m not intending to come back. Not for a while.”

“Well we knew that kid.” Your father looked between the two of you but you could see the growing nerves in his eyes. “You’ll be over in August, for a week I thought?”

“No, I’m-“ You steadied yourself. “I’m not coming back. Ever.”

Dead silence filled the room, the atmosphere immediately turning tightly as your parents digested what you’d said. You kept your stare down, pulling at the thread beneath your fingers until it came completely out the jacket and fell to the carpet below.

“I’m sorry?” Your mother, of course, was first to break it after a few painful minutes.

“I’m not coming back. I’ve had enough of the way you treat me, of the way you control me- college is ending, I’m getting a job and paying you back what I owe you and then.. we’re done. For good.”

“Kid-“ Your father started and stopped, as if he hadn’t quite decided what he was actually going to say. More painful moments of silence passed.

Before the bomb that was your mother exploded.

“What you _owe us?_ ” She hissed. Her heels clicked towards you. “What you owe us goes beyond money you spiteful little brat-!”

You shot to your feet, your body fired up immediately. “ _This_ is what I mean. How can you treat me like this? It’s like you hate me.”

Your mother didn’t even blink, didn’t even seem bothered. “I don’t hate you. Clearly, I’ve raised you wrong for you to be acting this way towards us.”

“You can’t even hear yourself, can you? The way you talk to me is awful. It’s _awful_ and you’ve done it for so long, I accepted it was just who you are but…not anymore.”

Your heart hammered in your chest until it became painful. It felt like the right decision- it had since the moment the words left your mouth. But you hadn’t expected so much pain at your fathers expression.

“Listen to me-“

You interrupted. “There’s a chance here mom- if you can _really_ hear me, if you know you’re acting wrong…we could fix this. Now before I never come back.”

“The only thing here to fix is that man you’ve shacked up with who has clearly put all these terrible thoughts in your mind-“

Pointless. So pointless with her.

“I’m going to get my stuff.”

She blocked your way immediately. “No you’re not.”

But you were quicker, sidestepping her and heading straight for your room. Your heart thundered in your ears as you raced up the stairs, ignoring her screeches at your father from below. You didn’t have to grab much- a few photos, some shirts. Nothing too important but you knew if you didn’t take it, she’d burn it the second you leave the house. Or give it to some charity shop just to spite you.

They were both waiting for you in the foyer when you arrived back down, bag slung over your shoulder. Your fathers face was twisted in sadness as he watched you, your mother standing beside him with her arms folded.

You sighed, stopping in front of them. “I wish we could’ve fixed this sooner- that I could understand you and why you do this to me…maybe one day I will. But I’m okay with it-“

“What the hell are you saying?”

“I’m saying I forgive you.” You snapped. “I’m saying that I’m done with forcing myself to love you and in return, hope that you’ll love me back. I don’t love you- I love the idea of you. The dream of the mother I could’ve and should’ve had.” You took a deep breath. “I shove everything I am deep inside of me, pretend to be someone I’m not, someone I don’t even like to keep you happy and where has it gotten me? I’m not happy mom, and I don’t think you are either.”

Your mothers nostrils flared, her feet stamping towards you. “This is-“

“Enough.” You stepped out of her grasp. “Nothing will ever be good enough for you. Nothing I do, nothing dad does- so I’m leaving. I’m- I’m not coming back.”

“I-“ Your father looked devastated.

But you wouldn’t wait around anymore. You couldn’t wait for him to make a decision he should’ve made over ten years ago. The time to act, to move forward, was now.

“I suggest you do the same. You-“ Tears threatened to tumble from your eyes, but you clamped onto them. “I love you. Please, _please_ do what you need to do and realise this isn’t a life. It never will be with her.”

“You little bitch.” She hissed at you. “I will cut you off, there will be no forgiveness, no money, no-!”

“That’s fine.” You gave her the best steeled gaze you could and turned back to your father. “I hope you can find peace someday- maybe away from her. There would always be a place for you with me.”

Hand on the door, your mother threw her final piece of poison at you.

And poison it was.

“I know he’s your professor.”

You froze, but didn’t turn back to face her.

“I did some digging, found out exactly who he was and why he seemed to be influencing you so much.” She paused. “I’ll call the school if you walk out of here. I’ll tell them everything.”

You took a deep breath. One thing she’d always been so good at- knowing exactly where to put the knife in and twist it.

“Do it.”

She was shaking with rage as you looked over your shoulder at her.

“Do it- all it will do is prove exactly how right I am about you and you can live with that for the rest of your life.”

The door slammed behind you.

Ren was already at the bus stop waiting for you when you arrived back, his hands shoved in his pockets. He didn’t notice you climbing off the bus, staring at his shoes below but you practically ran for him anyway and wrapped your arms around him.  
“Scholar-“ He paused as you began to cry, body shuddering as you clung to him. His hands immediately went to your shoulders and he pushed you back to look at you. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

You shook your head no and after a second, he just sighed and pulled you back into his arms, holding you there.

“It’s done.” You mumbled into his jacket, closing your eyes and once you’d managed to stop crying as hard- “She knows..that you’re my teacher..she threatened to expose you.”

“Let her. She has no real proof, none the school would bother themselves with anyway and given you’re finishing in in less than a month, they won’t particularly care.” He kissed the top of your head. “I need to ask you something.”

Your heart soared at his blatant refusal to bow to your mother and you stepped back from him, nodding.

“Come inside with me.” He nodded to the hospital.

You frowned. “You aren’t done?”

“I am but.. I promised to take you back with me when you got back.” His thumb ran along your eye. “Unless you don’t want to- then we’ll go back to the hotel.”

“No, no-“ You sniffed. “Let’s go.”

His hand dwarfed yours as the two of you walked towards the hospital, your sleeve still catching some of the tears falling from your eyes. You did not want to meet his mother looking like a blubbering mess.

Meeting his mother.. it hit you slightly as you walked inside. Glancing up at him, he was definitely better than this morning. Lighter, almost. As if whatever weight had been there all this time had been lifted.

You knew all that pain wouldn’t disappear in two days but this certainly seemed like a start. The fact he was even allowing you in here..

Ren knocked on the door twice softly and entered. You stayed behind him, shyly peeking out into the room in front of you and almost jerked backwards at the person sitting in the chair in front of you- not his mother but-

“Nice to see you again.” Luke smiled at you and stood, gently extending a hand towards Ren. He shook it, stiffly, and then moved to the right to allow you to stand beside him. You reached and gently shook his hand too. “You look surprised.”

“I am.” You confessed as your gaze drifted to the woman in the bed beside him.

Whilst with Han, you felt you only saw Kylo in his movements. But you saw every inch of him in his mother’s face. From the gentle downturning slope of her mouth to the warm brown of her eyes, everything reminded you of him. You wondered if she ever looked in the mirror and found the reflection staring back too painful, a constant reminder of the son who ran away and never looked back-not until it was too late and now she was going to lose him again when she just got him back.

“It’s nice to meet you.” You bowed your head in greeting and the woman in the bed smiled at you- that reminded you of him too. It grew slowly and then became something so truly dazzling.

“And you.” Her eyes met her sons. “Can you get me some ice chips?”

He nodded, offering you a quick squeeze to the arm before disappearing back out the doors you came in. You stood awkwardly in front of the two of them, shuffling from foot to foot before Leia gestured to the chair beside her.

“Come sit down.”

You did as she asked, holding your purse on your lap. You were well aware of the puffiness of your face and eyes, as well as the mascara that could possibly be a little smeared under your eyes right now- not the first, neat impression you wanted.

“I want to thank you, before he gets back and starts being…Ben.” She huffed out some air. “But truly, thank you. Luke and Han told me how you talked to him, how you..well, I don’t know what you did. I don’t know how you pulled him out of being Kylo Ren-“

“I didn’t.” You shook your head. “He is Kylo Ren- he doesn’t just revert to him old self because he’s here. A part of him will always be your Ben but.. it’s not who he is anymore.”

“You don’t think he’ll return to himself entirely?”

“No.” Your eyes flicked between her and her brother. “I think that piece of him broke- and now he has to find a way to readjust these new pieces of himself around that broken piece. But it doesn’t make him a terrible person.”

Leia’s eyes glazed slightly. “I never thought he was. I never wanted him to leave home.”

“None of us did- Han just..he never had the temperament for a kid and he loved him so much it was suffocating- he just wanted Ben to be better than he was and that love became something strangled.” Luke’s voice was very soothing, something so wise about it. You wondered when Kylo was a teenager if he’d often sought him out for advice.

You nodded. He sounded exactly like your own mother. “I understand.”

“I guess I just wanted you to know I love him. And I truly am grateful for whatever you’ve done for him, bringing that light back into his heart.” Leia’s hand outstretched towards yours. You leant forward and clasped her hand, watching as she curled her fingers around yours. “I don’t know.. what this thing is between you but I’m glad. I’m glad he has someone that loves him for who he is.”

You jerked back slightly in surprise, eyes darting to the door behind you, terrified he was there and listening- but still no sign of him.

“No, I-“

“You don’t?”

“Well-“

“My son is a complicated man, I understand.” She met your eyes once more. “Don’t let that put you off loving him.”

How you wished to tell her it didn’t- if anything, it only made you love him more. Each and every inch of his twisting mind. But no words would leave your body, for fear he may hear them, for fear that if you said them aloud it would really become true then.

A clearing of a throat behind you. You jumped. “Ice chips.”

Ren strode in, setting them down on the table beside Leia before coming to stand behind you again. His hand slipped onto your shoulder, squeezing gently.

“We should go- you’ll be tired.”

You nodded in agreement and stood, offering another smile and polite goodbye to Leia and her brother. The two of them smiled back, exchanging similar pleasantries with Ren. You watched as his mother ran a hand over his, her eyes growing warm as he mentioned visiting in a few weeks time.

It terrified you. The thought of her dying when for the first time in so long, your professor had such a light in his eyes- such a beautiful, captivating light. If her death was to snuff that out, you’d mourn it forever.

After exchanging a final few goodbyes, the two of you headed for the exit. Kylo still had your things in his hands, a careful arm wrapped around your waist as he guided you out the hospital and towards the rented car in the parking lot.

He’d barely sat in the car and thrown your stuff into the back when you’d reached for his shirt, pulling him close to you and kissing him. He huffed in surprise- but gently returned the kiss back, a hand weaving around the back of your neck. 

“What-“

“Thank you.” You mumbled, pressing another kiss to the side of his mouth before pulling away to meet his stare. “Thank you for letting me meet her- and.. I think you really did the right thing. Going to see her.”

One side of his mouth upturned, enough to make your knees quiver, and he leaned back towards you, kissing you again.

“Thank _you_ , scholar.”

He started the engine and began the drive back to the hotel, telling you about what he’d talked to his mother about- they didn’t get into anything too heavy. She explained her side of the story and he’d been happy to leave it at that. Her illness. When he’d next try and come down.

Some part of you couldn’t believe you were looking at him right now, listening to him. Who was this man in front of you? Some strange hybrid of Kylo Ren and Ben Solo?

You liked this version of him.

In fact, you loved him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for tuning in. Only a few chapters left. The next few will b pretty emotional etc, i'll make sure there's warnings at the beginning so if ur not in the right mindset, ur prepared. 
> 
> love to you all!!


	22. IT'S ALL OVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeah............sorry 
> 
> tw: emotional?? i guess? idk, just a warning so if ur not in a gd place maybe not the time. i don't wanna make you sad <3

“I am trying-“ You sighed. “To study.”

Ren folded his arms, leaning onto the desk in front of you and continued to stare at you as you desperately tried your best to focus on the pages in front of you. Only one exam to go and then you’d be free of college forever.

Sort of.

You’d come to Ren’s office for some peace and quiet, as he usually let you just get on with your studies and Kiana was driving you a little crazy currently with her mood swings- but today he seemed in no mood to just leave you be. He’d gently poked and prodded at the papers in front of you with his pens, pretending at first he hadn’t meant to but gradually had clearly meant to and was just trying to annoy you.

“Do you want me to fail?”

“Yes.”

You met his eyes, letting out another long sigh. He was kidding, you hoped, but even you knew there was a slight truth to his words. You hadn’t been completely open about your plans for after college. Mostly because you weren’t sure what they were.

But now you’d made up your mind, you had an entire plan to tell him the news with a speech in hand and everything.

“You’re a pain in the ass.”

He rolled his eyes. “You think _I’m_ a pain in the ass?”

“Yes.”

“I see.” He narrowed his eyes at you and stood, very slowly. You focused back on the paper in front of you, mouth gnawing on the pen in your hand. For a moment you wondered if Ren was actually going to do as you asked for once and make himself busy.

Two, broad hands slid down your arms and moved back up to your shoulders, thumbs digging into the skin there.

“You seem tense scholar.”

You huffed, biting down on the groan working its way out of you at the way his thumbs were moving in soft circles into your skin.

“Let me-“ He bent down, pressing a kiss right near your ear. “Help.”

Craning your neck, you turned slightly in the chair to glare at him above you. “I have to study.”

“You won’t get anything done like this.” His hands slid down and forward, stopping just above your chest. “Let me-“ Another kiss, lower now. “Fix it.”

Honestly, you were in no mood to argue- or study anymore. The fire in your stomach was growing insatiable with every roaming wander of his hands and there’d be no chance in hell of studying successfully.

Bastard.

You stood out of your chair and turned to face him, but Ren immediately picked you up and slammed you back down onto the desk, his mouth meeting yours as his body pushed you onto the table.

His hands made quick work of your skirt, pushing it up and out of his way, your panties quickly following. He didn’t even need to touch you- you were already soaking. But that seemed to be the plan he had in mind as he slipped a finger across your folds teasingly.

“Don’t play with me.” You moaned as his thumb joined, brushing against your clit.

He tutted at you. “But it’s so fun.”

With that, he slipped a finger inside of you, gently stroking your upper walls. You wriggled on top of it, letting out a quiet pant. His other hand appeared, lightly stroking your clit. It was good- but just not quite what you wanted. Not hard enough. And he knew it. Bastard.

“Kylo.” You moaned, completely aware the effect you had upon him when his name. His eyes darkened and another finger was stuffed inside you quickly, the pace of his hand picking up.

Moaning, your head slumped against the desk as he knelt beneath you, his tongue diving into your hole to lick up your juices. His tongue, soaked with them, dragged upwards and swirled around your clit.

As he sucked, his tongue darting across your nub, you let out another broken moan and shifted your hips deeper into his mouth, brain melting with pleasure.

Right as you met your edge, he stopped and stood upwards. You frowned at him for a second before his hand met your mouth, fingers waiting in question. You opened your mouth immediately and he dove in, making you clean them entirely.

His other hand shuffled around by your cunt and you tensed as you felt him curl a finger in your entrance, collecting some of your wetness and then rubbing it over himself. The sight of it was enough to make you want to devour him, every inch of him.

“You’re so beautiful.” He muttered, pausing for a second to admire you, even offering you a devious smile before slamming his cock into you.

You spluttered, exhaling as his lips met yours, giving you no time to breathe. One hand on your neck, the other cradling your hip, he moved slowly, as if he had all the time in the world- as if he wanted to savour this every moment with you.

Your legs curled around his back, pulling him closer into you until he was right at his hilt, tongue sweeping across yours as he stayed where he was. So strange to think you two were in his office and not completely alone- the entire world could be burning whilst you were with Ren and you’d never realise. Not until it was too late.

He shifted and both hands grabbed your hips as he began to move inside of you. But something about this all felt so…different. Not in a bad way but almost as if Ren wasn’t trying to punish _and_ pleasure you- just the latter. His pace was breathtaking but, not punishable. Your hands reached for him and he bent down, allowing you to kiss him again as he moved inside of you.

You pressed your forehead against his, a rattling moan making its way out of you as he gripped your thigh.

“Look at me.” He demanded and you did, meeting those beautiful brown eyes. He never broke his stare with you, not even as he began to move harder, his fingers gripping your skin as if you were about to disappear from beneath him.

Those three words- those three, terrifying words sprung into your mind as you reached your edge again. But you clamped down hard on them. They would not be allowed to make their debut yet, not until you were sure.

You began to twitch beneath him and Kylo nodded. “Cum.”

That you did, letting out a final broken moan as your hands dug into his forearms and you laid back on the desk in front of him, breathless. His own pace slowed as he slammed into you a few more times, groaning as his seed slipped inside of you.

You waited until he had moved out you and grabbed some tissues from his desk, handing them to you as he buckled himself up. You cleaned yourself up, hopped off the desk and grabbed your panties to slip back on.

When you had them on, you let out a groan at the desk in front of you- in your lustful haze you’d forgotten to move your work and the paper that had been underneath your body was now ripped and folded.

Ren followed your stare and chuckled quietly. He collected them in his hands. “I’ll photocopy you more.”

Pressing a quick kiss to your head, he slipped out the door and towards whatever staff room he’d hope to find a printer in. You let out an exhale and slipped into the chair beneath you.

Two days. All you had to do was get through two more days and then, if all went well.. you’d be free of these godawful chains holding you down and you’d be able to tell Ren exactly how you felt.

Even if the current thought terrified you.

“What time is it?” You yawned. Lifting your cheek off Ren’s chest, you blushed slightly at the drool left there and turned towards the clock on the nightstand, blinking sleepily. Weird, that his alarm hadn’t woken you up as it always had- “Oh fuck!”

You practically dove out of bed and began collecting your clothes from where they’d been strewn all over the floor, putting them on haphazardly. Ren watched you from the bed, frowning as he began to wake up himself.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nine thirty! My exam is in fifteen minutes-“ You almost fell to your ass as you clawed on your socks. “Oh fuck fuck-“

“I’ll drive you.” He muttered, climbing out of bed slowly. You glared at his snail pace, gathering your hair up and tying it out of your face.

“Come on, just drive me like that and drop me like a block away.”

“Scholar-“

“ _Your_ stupid alarm is going to make me late, just drive me in your goddamn pyjamas!” You growled, throwing things into your bag. It was just a writing exam, all you’d need is some pens and maybe a highlighter.

It wasn’t like you wouldn’t graduate if you didn’t pass this, but you wanted to. You’d worked so damn hard for it.

Until last night anyway, when Ren had continually distracted you, saying you’d done enough studying. You hadn’t believed him, but let him annoy you anyway. Stupid, so stupid- why hadn’t you done just one more hour? Another few flashcards?

“Come on.” Ren appeared at the doorway, keys in hand. He’d pulled a jacket over some sweats and from the look on his face, he wasn’t happy about it. But you currently didn’t give a shit about his fashion choices. Running past him, you practically flew down the stairs and into his car.

He drove pretty fast, given the amount of traffic you seemed to hit on the way there- as if everything in the universe was trying to make you miss the exam. You swore, checking through your bag once more for everything you needed.

“Good luck.” He called as he pulled up the curb near the back of the exam hall.

But you were already gone and running.

Deep breath- then another. You reminded yourself to breath, clutching the bag in your hands.

The door in front of you swung open quickly, Ren towering above you.

“I thought you were coming at seven?” He raised an eyebrow at you, eyes darting to the clinking that came from your hands.

“Sorry- I was just..ready earlier.” You shrugged.

He stepped aside to let you in. “Don’t apologise, it’s just not like you to be early.”

You hung your jacket on the hanger and followed him into the sitting room, the smell of dinner wafting into your nose. He was cooking- you’d forgotten he said he’d do that. Every inch of you was shaking with nerves, your brain currently like a sieve.

The table in the sitting room was laid out delicately, all the cutlery in place with a wine glass already filled at your usual seat. You smiled at it all, feeling the nerves dissipate slightly.

Ren took the wine from the bag you’d brought and cracked one of the bottles opening, pouring you both a glass.

“Dinner will be five minutes, if that.” He handed you one glass, then topped his own up. Holding the glasses up together, he met your eyes. “Here’s to you finishing…college.”

You noted every movement he made- every twitch of his eye, the slight hesitation in his words. It made you hope you were making the right decision- that you weren’t being totally insane.

The two of you made idle chat as Ren dished up the food, bringing it over to the table where you idly waited- he’d made some kind of roast and whilst you weren’t entirely sure what it was, it looked delicious and the cherry glaze on top made your stomach grumble in anticipation.

“This is amazing.” You chewed, taking another large gulp of wine. You were waiting for the right moment to bring up your news to him- but every time you tried, you ended up stuffing more vegetables in there instead, too terrified of his reaction.

“Good.” Ren’s eyes darted to the glass beside you. “Nervous, scholar?”

Given the indiscernible shake in his voice, he apparently was too.

“I wanted to talk to you. About..what I’m doing. This summer and after.”

“Ah.” Now it was his turn to swallow his wine.

“I never mentioned this before, because I wasn’t sure what to do but when we were at the retreat I was offered a job. In Portland.”

Ren’s eyebrows furrowed together. “A job?”

“With Dan Hardinger- his newspaper. Its why his colleague wanted to dance…why it wasn’t just a straightforward decision.” You couldn’t quite meet his eyes- something like guilt curled around your stomach and squeezed, viper tight. His face crumpled and you wondered why you hadn’t just mentioned it before. God, you were an idiot.

“I see.” Silence for a moment, then- “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“There just..wasn’t time at the retreat..”

“It’s been over a month, if not more since the retreat. You’ve had the time scholar.” He was getting annoyed- you could hear it.

“I know, I’m sorry okay? I just.. I didn’t know how to tell you and I didn’t even know if it was something you’d want to know, I-“

“Why wouldn’t I want to know?”

“Well it’s hardly like we have a normal relationship Ren. It’s not like you’re my boyfriend who I come home to and tell about my day about- oh _wait_ except you are. You just don’t like the boyfriend part itself. So we’re not really anything but-“

“Are you really using this job to turn it into a conversation about us?” He snapped. 

You could’ve thrown the fork in your hand at him. “The fact you sound so horrified to consider a discussion about us tells me maybe I made the wrong decision.” You felt all that food rise to your throat. “God, what am I doing? What are we doing?”

“You tell me scholar.” Ren shook his head. “So, you’re leaving for Portland. Is that what you’re telling me? You’ve come to say goodbye?”

“No, I-“

“Don’t give me any bullshit about our _relationship_ when you’re leaving scholar. Not after you-“ He stopped.

_Not after you promised not to leave._

You heard the ghost words there. You knew this was just coming from him being upset, but if he would calm down for a second he’d realise-

“I hope Portland wasn’t reliant on that exam.”

The exam you’d missed the first ten minutes on. The one you’d probably failed horribly in given you couldn’t remember a thing and had almost cried upon leaving.

“None of my options were.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “Why didn’t your alarm go off?”

He froze. “What?”

“Your alarm never, ever doesn’t go off. That thing could survive an atom bomb. Why didn’t it go off?” You felt your teeth grind together as some horrible realisation snapped into place. That conniving bastard.

“Scholar-“

“You wouldn’t let me study the day before, or night. You go down Crown junction which is the long way-“ Huffing, you threw your cutlery down. “You dick. You tried to make me miss that exam, didn’t you? Why the hell would you do that to me?”

He slid back in his chair. “You’re insane.”

“Fuck you.”

The two of you sat in deathly silence, staring at each other. None of this had gone even remotely how you’d hoped- and now, you were too angry to even think about telling him what you had meant to.

Your mother had told you it was a mistake. She’d told you. Now you sat in front of this man and you could see him falling through your fingers- but there was nothing to stop him disappearing. Nothing.

“You know what, this is good. We had…our time together. You can go to Portland, meet someone who will give you whatever it is you apparently lack from me and that’s it.” He shrugged.

“What the hell are you saying-?”

“Well, you’re leaving. So we’re over.”

His words felt like gunshots to the stomach. You almost began to laugh until you looked at eyes his- at those sad, devastating eyes. You’d never seen him so.. still. As if he had frozen in the time the moment he decided to say them.

In your mind, you tried to piece together what he had said but nothing was making sense, all of it swirling around and around your mind until you felt dizzy.

No words came out of your mouth. None sprang to mind either.

“We were always going to hurt each other, you know- this way is better. I’m glad you told me tonight and we didn’t.. wait all summer.” Ren stood, grabbing both of your plates and scurried away to the kitchen.

You just sat, slumped against your chair. If you moved, this was real. What he said to you became real. Water ran in the kitchen, drowning out the white noise in your mind.

Some weak part of you wanted to get on your knees and beg him to stop being so stupid- to listen to what you actually came here to say, to ask him to be with you.

But you weren’t that girl anymore. You couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ , beg someone to love you, to listen to you when they clearly didn’t want to. You deserved better. Dealing with your parents had taught you that and frankly, you deserved better than someone who was going to throw a tantrum at the mere mention of a relationship and instead of fighting for you not to leave, leaving you immediately at the first sign of trouble.

Grabbing your things, you quickly threw your coat on, aware of Ren’s towering frame now just a meter from you as he watched you.

“I’ll get one of the boys to drop your things-“

“This isn’t fair.” You couldn’t help it. You just wanted to say it- to make sure he knew how unfair this was.

“It’s for the best, it would’ve never lasted.”  
“No, no-“ You turned away from the door, eyes burning into his. “I stayed. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere, I promised I wasn’t going to leave you and asked for _shit_ in return and this is what I get for it? I lost friends, I stood up to my family potentially losing their support for good, I-“ You flung your arm out. “You gave me every reason to leave and I stayed, like some helpless addict. I _stayed_ -”

His voice sounded like it was cracking as he spoke. “Why?”

“Why?” You laughed, but there was nothing happy about it. “ _Why?_ Are you fucking kidding me? Because I love you, you fucking idiot. Because I am so helplessly in love with you and I have been for so long and you’re leaving me.” Your feet stumbled back. “You’re _leaving_ me.”

“Scholar-“

“Don’t call me that. Don’t talk to me ever again, I swear to god- I will take that offer in Portland and never, ever fucking come back.” Hand on the handle, you paused and glanced down towards your wrist. With a grunt, you practically tore the bracelet off your wrist and threw it to the ground in front of him. “Goodbye, _professor_.”

The door shuddered behind you.

You barely made it down the stairs before the tears dripped down onto your cheeks, flowing harder and faster than they ever had. Making no efforts to catch them, you grabbed your phone and dialled Kiana.

You weren’t sure what was worse- losing Ren, or the fact you didn’t even get to tell him he was completely wrong about it all.

You had declined the job in Portland. You were staying here for an extra year.

But now, you were doing it alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again. SORRY.
> 
> Have faith in me.


	23. TOSKA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sad boi hours

A dark grumble in your ear wrestled you from your sleep and you turned, arm slipping around the waist behind you as you nestled your head deeper into the pillow. Except it wasn’t a pillow- smooth skin tensed underneath your cheek, the faint smell of smoke ingraining itself deeper into your nose.

“Come on scholar.”

Your name on his lips almost had your eyes burning, your heart stumbling over itself as you wished he’d say it again and again. Ren slipped an arm over your shoulder and gently shook you, thumb digging into your skin. You moaned in reply and just wound yourself tighter around him, terrified to let him go.

“No.”

He chuckled. “Scholar, you know you can’t be here.”

“Why?” But you knew. You knew exactly what he was about to say- you’d heard him say it every night for weeks now. The first few dreams you’d physically gotten on your knees and begged him not to leave you again. Now you just lay clinging to him, desperate for him to stay close to you for as long as you could manage.

“You don’t belong here anymore.”

“No, no-“ You felt his hands push you away.

There was nothing you could do to stop him pushing you out of the bed, until he was out of your touch entirely and you fell and fell into the endless darkness, hands outstretched for anything to save you-

“Morning sweetheart.”

Kiana’s voice broke through your dream, hauling you out of the darkness and back into reality.

The reality where Ren was gone and you were here, curled into a ball on her couch.

“Coffee?” She ran a gentle hand over your hooded head, kneeled down in front of you. You nodded and listened to her softly pad off towards the kitchen to make it for you.

She’d been an angel, for weeks on end now and you truly couldn’t complain. She’d picked you up from Ren’s that night, two weeks ago, and looked after you every single day since. Not that she had to do too much- you just slept on the couch most of the day, getting up to grab some water or maybe dinner, if you felt like you’d be able to keep it down. You barely changed your clothes, showered a handful of times. It just felt so pointless. Endless.

The misery you felt consumed you day and night- into everything you did, wether it was trying to work, sleep or eat. Your mind felt blank, drained and around your heart wrapped icy tentacles so tightly you felt like you couldn’t breath

“Here.” Kiana reappeared, holding a steaming mug out in front of you. You hauled yourself up on the couch and wrapped your hands around it, watching as it spilled around the mug as Kiana sat herself down next to you.

The two of you sat in a comfortable silence, sipping as you watched the city below you began to bustle with life.

“What are you doing today?” She nudged your shoulder. You almost laughed- you felt like doing nothing except laying straight back down and falling into a dream world where you could pretend everything was fine.

But you were beginning to feel a little pathetic. You knew it was ridiculous to be in such a state over someone who wasn’t even yours- but it didn’t ease the ache in your heart any less. Every time you thought of him it just burned you more.

“We should get our dissertation results back in a few weeks..” Kiana gently reminded you, trying to entice some conversation out of you. She was right- two more weeks, if that, and they should be back. You tried to find some excitement deep inside of you- but nothing stirred.

Two weeks. Two weeks you’d sat here and done nothing except sleep and sometimes you struggled to do that, just watching as the moon disappeared and the sun rose over the city.

It was time to start moving again, even if it was painful to consider.

“I’m going to start looking for a job.” You decided.

You’d declined the one in Portland and you certainly wouldn’t be sitting around all summer, especially not now you had no support from your parents whatsoever.

Kiana seemed surprise to hear you even speak, never mind make a solid plan, blinking- but slowly, she nodded in agreement.

“Okay. Good, good.” She tilted her head to the paper in front of her. “I’m going to get a start on the apartment hunting.”

A bright light amongst all this darkness- Kiana had decided to do a post graduate course too, so the two of you would be here for another year and she’d asked you to move in with her. You’d said yes, of course, so now the hunt for the flat was on especially given your lease was ending within weeks at your flat and you didn’t feel like sleeping on her couch for the entire summer.

“Keep moving forward, hm?” She smiled at you and went back to her coffee, watching the people run around beneath you.

You didn’t have the heart to tell her you felt completely stuck.

And you weren’t sure how to get moving again.

“Sorry, we aren’t accepting applications at this time.”

“Do you have any more experience?”

“I think you have too much experience for such a workplace.”

“Maybe try again next month?”

“Sorry-“

“Apologies-“

You attempted not to throw your resume in the woman’s face, offering her a polite, understanding smile and left your sixth office that day.

You’d tried everywhere to gain some experience, every damn office in town. You’d applied for internships but they still wouldn’t start for another month and the pay wasn’t as good as a real job- so you were still hoping for something better.

But still nothing. It was getting to the stage of applying to coffee shops and other places you’d never worked before, but it seemed nobody wanted to take you.

Which is how you ended up back at _Alfie’s_.

An old bar, about ten minutes away from Holkins, tucked right onto the corner of Viale Street. It looked kind of rustic on the outside and even more on the inside. Not incredibly popular, but cheap and certainly a good find.

The old wooden door creaked loudly, alerting everybody in the room to your presence as you stepped inside with a heavy sigh.

“Well well well.” The man behind the bar shot you a huge grin, lifting up the side of the bar as he strode for you. It only took seconds, given how massive his legs were, before he’d wrapped his arms around you and spun you around.

“Hi Joe.” You muttered into his shoulder as he squeezed you, letting you go with a careful drop to the ground.

“What are you doing here? Come on, let me get you a drink.” He slung an arm over your shoulder, leading you to the bar. You spotted a few regulars, waving to them and took a seat right in the corner of the bar, where Joe usually stood.

You’d worked at Alfie’s, named after Joe’s father, for two years whilst you were underage. Once you got into your last few years of college, your father had agreed to support you so you could study more since you felt overwhelmed trying to do both and you knew it was a very lucky position to be in, so you took it gratefully.

“Usual?” He placed it down in front of you and you nodded, sipping it gladly. You hadn’t drank, not once for these past two weeks and the first sip of that drink was far too good. “So come on. You either need something, or you’re very sad to have wound up here.”

“Both.”

He leaned on the bar in front of you. “What’s up kid?”

“I need a job. For the summer and beyond- I’ll work as many hours as you like, as often as you like, I just need a job. Please.” You pleaded quickly, hoping if you talked quickly enough he wouldn’t have time to reject you.

“Woah.” Joe scratched the back of his head. “Are you sure? I’d love to have you back but I know you need to focus on school..aren’t your parents-?”

You shook your head no. Joe nodded an ‘ _ah’._ “I’m done with school anyway. Sort of.”

“Oh, of course. You graduated!” He smiled. “So you’re staying here?”

Your heart sunk. “I’m doing a post graduate. I felt I needed more experience before going off to.. wherever I choose.”

“Well-“ He held out a hand in your direction. “Welcome back to the team.”

Shaking it, you felt a slight ease settle over you. Good- you’d managed to do one thing right today, at least, despite the initial setbacks. Perhaps if one of the internships came back you could try and do both. Joe was pretty flexible.

“We can talk shifts Monday. Have a few drinks on me- you looked incredibly stressed.” He slipped another drink towards you and walked off to another customer who was flagging him down.

Just like that, the moment he left you alone, any kind of relief you felt just slipped right down the drain.

All you could feel was sadness- like an everlasting cloud over your heart. Every other emotion had been pushed from your body until there was nothing left except it.

Where that love for Ren you had hidden so long had been just felt hollow now. Useless. You hadn’t realised it’s depth until you plummeted head first into it, only now realising how endless it was.

Would you ever stop loving him so much? Would you ever be able to even consider it? It seemed impossible. Despite this job, despite the fact you still had so many good things coming your way.. it all felt muted. Unimportant.

You took another long sip of your drink, sighing.

How had this even happened? You’d been happy. You’d been in control. Now it had all slipped through your fingers like sand.

Gone forever.

“Fresh.” Kiana commented, smiling at you in the mirror as she tugged gently on your ponytail.

She wasn’t wrong- it was the first time in weeks you’d showered and dressed in something that wasn’t your sweatpants, as well as some light dusting of makeup.

You offered a tight smile in reply and swiped some lip balm on. Time for your first shift at Alfie’s- just six hours, nothing difficult at all. You’d be working five days a week, sometimes six and the shifts would be between six and nine hours, mostly evenings.

Alfie’s was never particularly busy so you weren’t too stressed about how this evening was going to go. Shouting a quick goodbye to Kiana, you headed out her apartment and walked for the bar.

You were glad for the quietness of the streets- it gave you a chance to try and clear your mind before you got there, though you knew it was useless. You just wanted a few hours of peace, to be distracted by anything that wasn’t Ren.

Joe smiled at you as you entered, giving you a quick wave. You headed into the back office, throwing your things down before heading back out. The best thing about Joe’s was that he had very little staff except him- he didn’t really need them. He had a few people to cover him in case of emergencies, but until the summer came he wasn’t that busy. Given this, you were grateful for his soft spot that meant he’d hired you back without much of a second thought.

Pouring drinks was rhythmic, calming. You slipped back into the routine without much of a second thought, chatting to Joe and a few regulars around the bar as you did so.

You were just grateful for the few hours that your mind didn’t feel like it was drowning.

Checking your watch, you realised it was only ten pm as you left Alfie’s. Joe had let you finish a little early, citing that it was completely dead and he wanted you to get some rest before tomorrow’s Saturday shift. You knew he meant well- you did look a little bruised with the marks under your eyes, showing off your lack of sleep.

Rounding the corner at Holkins, you felt every nerve in your stomach sink as you noticed the figure standing outside. Tall, so damn tall with that head tilt you knew all too well. Oh gods-

You pressed yourself against the wall, hidden just out of sight under the cloak of the dark and watched he folded his arms, nodding as the girl pressed against the wall in front of him talked animatedly. You could hear her squeaky voice from here.

Ren glanced around, nodding. You could just make out his features from the shitty lighting outside the bar. He looked just fine, his usual neutral expression plastered on his face- and you hated him for it. Did he feel how you felt? Like you were being ripped apart from the inside?

Did he even _care?_

Nausea swamped your stomach like a tsunami. If she touched him, if _he_ touched her, if he kept looking at her like that- you would just die right on the spot. Or throw up. Perhaps you’d do both simultaneously.

You’d once hoped maybe he’d only ever look at you like that forever, eyes focused lethally on yours as you spoke about something that didn’t even matter.

Just another thing you were wrong about.

With a yelp, the other boys began to pile out of the bar and you recognised each of them instantly. With a pang of your heart, you realised you kind of missed them too- you saw them sometimes just as much as you saw Ren with their continual drop ins to the apartment. But it seemed that maybe now to them, you were just another girl. You’d already been replaced.

The girl followed, trailing at the back with Ren and you were relieved to see a little distance between them but she still chatted away to him, laughing at whatever he replied.

Once they were finally out of sight, you rounded the corner. Anger, so much anger bubbled in your stomach. Storming into Holkins, you sat right at the bar, thankful it was quiet tonight, and ordered a double immediately.

It burned your throat, eyes watering but you choked on the gag coming out of your throat and pretended you enjoyed it.

Then another.

And another.

You just wanted to drink until it all became a blurry memory- until the thought of Ren’s hands disgusted you instead of hurting you, instead of making you yearn painfully for him. Until you couldn’t remember him at all, just a small stain in your memory.

Ren was an easy person to hate, if you truly tried enough. You could hate him for making you so sore inside, you could hate him for refusing to commit, for seeming happy when you felt so goddamn empty.

But the problem was, despite all of those things, you loved him anyway. It was still there, buried beneath all of those hateful feelings.

Would he take that girl home with him? Would they lay in that spot and entwine where the two of you had lay? No, Ren wouldn’t let her in that fast. But would he fuck her on every inch of that bed like he did you? Would he bring someone new to his office and remove every inch of you from it, banishing you with every stroke into some new girl?

The thought almost had you vomiting your drink everywhere and you quickly ordered another one, desperate to drown out the thoughts swirling in your mind about the girl. You knew it could be an overreaction- she could be with any of the boys. But why hang out with him outside and then hang back to talk to him?

But you could hardly blame her. He was…Ren. He was enthralling and mysterious. He kept you on your toes. You would do the same. You had done.

You hated him.

You loved him.

“Scholar?”

You almost slapped the voice coming from beside you, frightened half to death. Peering upwards through bleary eyes, you groaned upon realising who’d joined you at the bar.

“Go away.” You muttered. What time was it? Fumbling for your phone in your purse, you realised how plastered you were- not good.

“You’re wasted.”

You narrowed your eyes. “No shit Ushar. What are you even doing here?”

Why he was here, you weren’t sure. They’d left hours ago, you realised as you finally unlocked your phone. It was almost closing time- 12:30pm. Two and a half hours you’d sat here and drank until even your liver throbbed in complaint.

“I just came back to pick up Victoria’s scarf.”

Victoria. Victoria. Vic. Vicky. It played around your brain like a broken record player.

“Hm.”

He reached out to touch your arm. “Can I give you a ride home?”

“No.” You flinched away from him, grabbing your things. You needed to go home, sober up- anything but continue to sit at this bar and feel sorry for yourself just because you saw Ren looking at someone. You were getting back on track, you were getting better-

“Scholar-“

You whirled on him. “Do not call me that.”

He blinked at the hiss of your voice, watching as you stumbled slightly out of your seat. Your eyes began to burn as you hurriedly pulled your jacket on and attempted to storm off out the bar.

But in your drunken state, you weren’t exactly the fastest. It took Ushar a few strides to catch up with you and step around, blocking your path.

“I won’t even speak. Just.. let me give you a ride home please- so you’re safe.”

“Why do you care?” You snapped.

“We’re friends and Kylo would be upset if-“

“Oh, are we? I wouldn’t know. I haven’t heard from you since.. oh! A few weeks ago when your other friend left me.” You felt every nasty feeling you had over the past few weeks begin to bubble inside of you. “And Ren can go fuck himself. He couldn’t care less about me.”

Ushar stepped in front of you again. “Come on, you know that isn’t true-“

"Who was he with outside of Holkins?” You couldn’t help yourself. It slipped out before you had even meant it to.

He blinked, playing with the keys in his hand. “She’s Kuruk’s cousin.”

“She likes him?”

“Well, maybe but he-“

You held out your hand. “I really don’t want to hear it Ushar. Please.”

“Fine, fine.” He seemed to accept defeat. “Just please let me give you a ride home. Please, scholar.”

You batted off the screeching pain in your heart at that damn nickname, clamping down on the tears fighting their way out of you.

“Fine.” You accepted- but mostly just because you were pretty damn drunk and you didn’t feel like dragging Kiana out of bed to come and get you when she’d already done so much for you.

Climbing inside his car, you winced as you noticed how far back the seat was. Ren had probably sat here last given his height, his body exactly where yours was. Probably the closest you’d ever get to him again.

Ushar kept his promise and stayed quiet most of the way home, instead letting the radio play softly to fill the silence instead. You laid back onto the seat and let your eyes close, just for a moment, almost smelling that familiar smoky smell.

It was enough to let a few tears drip onto your cheeks.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. Is she okay?”

“She’ll be fine, she just had a lot to drink. She saw Ren.. I’m sure she’ll tell you about it tomorrow.”

Your body jostled and you blinked your eyes open slightly, wincing at the light above you. You were being carried, by Ushar no less into what seemed like Kiana’s apartment.

“Just put her in my bed.” She instructed and he did so, looking down at you and shooting you a quick smile as he noticed you were awake.

Her bed was soft, so damn soft and you rolled onto your side immediately as he put you down, already tucking your arms around the pillow there. Ushar sighed and you felt the bed sag slightly as he sat down behind you.

“What Rey and I had..” He spoke so softly, you weren’t sure he was even speaking. “It was intense. When we broke up, I felt like..like a world full of colour just went grey. Like everything that made me happy just disappeared.”

Your eyes burned and you dug your face deeper into the pillow, begging your eyes not to start crying again.

“It feels so isolating and I’m sorry none of us have called you, scholar. I don’t know if this will help or hurt you more but…Ren is a mess. A huge mess and, maybe I shouldn’t tell you this, maybe I’m making him vulnerable- I don’t know but..I just wished someone had told me how much Rey missed me. It would’ve made me feel less alone, just for a second.”

You met his eyes and nodded. Just once.

He took that as your answer and squeezed your shoulder in goodbye, lifting himself off the bed and heading for the door. Kiana lingered in the doorframe, watching the two of you with cautious eyes.

Ushar paused as he reached the door, turning to look at you. “Don’t worry about Victoria, okay? I don’t think…she could never replace you scholar. I don’t think anybody can.”

He slipped out the door, bidding a goodbye to your roommate. She turned off the lights behind him and climbed into bed beside you, her arms winding around your shoulders immediately and tugging you close to her.

“It’s okay.” She whispered.

You quietly cried until the sun came up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for more sadness. it takes its time- be patient with me.
> 
> thanks for all your nice comments as always.


	24. HEALING

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> getting there...

“Now-“ Joe smiled at you from across the bar, the glasses in the tray clinking as he slammed it down. “Did you miss this?”

“No.” You huffed, the hair in your eyes beginning to bug you as you carefully manoeuvred your way around Chris, the other worker in the bar, grabbing a glass from underneath the shelf.

Chris laughed as he paused, pouring from the tap. “Really? You didn’t miss the utter chaos of the first weekend of July as the entire university student body pour in before they go home for the summer?”

You’d worked with Chris when you’d last been employed here. He was a few years older than you and dangerously good looking- you felt your cheeks heat every time he threw a smile in your direction. When you’d last been here, you definitely looked a little different to how you looked now. You knew he noticed. You could tell by the way he looked at you.

“Funnily enough, still no.” You rolled your eyes at the two of them, turning your attention back to the customers in front of you.

Just one more weekend after this and you’d be free of these kinds of crowds. You’d still be working here all summer, all year for that matter, but at least it would just be the regulars and the occasional tourists.

You’d get home at a half decent time too- you needed your sleep given the fact you were working at Danes-brooks Monday to Friday as their intern.

Thank god at least one internship had pulled through- you thought you had completely bombed all of the interviews, but apparently not. The publishing company had called you that evening and asked you to come back, which you did gladly. Since them, you’d been swept off your feet busy every day.

But it was good- life was good. Finally.

It didn’t mean your heart didn’t stop in it’s tracks every time you saw someone obnoxiously tall with dark hair. But it got better with the time that had passed and you found yourself slipping into sleep easier these days instead of being haunted by him.

You couldn’t remember the last time you said his name.

“Hey, pass me that.” Chris yanked you out of your thoughts, pointing to the strainer beside you. You handed it to him and smiled absent-mindedly, milling away from him to the other end of the bar, heart still stammering as you allowed yourself just for a few moments more to think of those deep brown eyes.

One day at a time.

“I’m home!”

Throwing down your keys into the bowl, you frowned at the shoes placed underneath all your coats. Guys shoes- nothing belonging to either of you.

You’d only shouted because all of the lights were on, something Kiana never does unless she’s awake and given the fact it was 2am-

“Hello?” Kiana called, shouting your name after as you heard stumbling coming from the living room. She was definitely awake then. You waited out in the hall, hand frozen above the door handle as you debated if you should go in or not.

If she had a guy round, it was strange they weren’t in her room and even more strange she had left all the lights on.

“Heyyy.” She appeared on the edge of the door frame, blowing her fringe out of her face with a sheepish grin. “You’re home.”

“I am.”

“Early, isn’t it?”

“It’s two am Ki.” You raised an eyebrow at her. “Do we have a visitor?”

“Why would you think that?”

You pointed to the mens shoes residing by the door and she paled slightly.

“They’re..mine. My feet got really swollen and mens shoes are so cheap, did you know that? Some of them anyway and it’s so damn patriarchal-“

“If you’re having sex on the couch just please make sure its habitable tomorrow. I’m going to bed.” You cut her off with a snort, turning on your heel.

“Night.” She called, watching anxiously as you walked to your room.

She had almost done it- you knew she was being strange but you figured she’d just been caught out having sex in an awkward place and lost track of the time. No big deal.

If only her guest hadn’t opened his mouth.

“She gone?”

You froze at your door, eyes darting back towards her. Her own mouth dropped open, stammering slightly as she watched realisation slap you across the face.

“Kiana.”

She covered more of the doorframe with her body, hiding whoever was behind her as you approached slowly. “Mhm?”

“I hope Ap’lek isn’t standing in my sitting room right now.”

“No, I mean, are you kidding? I’m done with him, I’m very, very-“

Pushing past her, you glared as you noticed the wobbling man in front of you who was trying to tug on his sweats. He shot you a smile, tugging his t-shirt on after it.

“Scholar.”

Your heart sunk to your stomach. That fucking nickname.

“Nice to see you. What are you doing here?”  
He raised an eyebrow at you. “What does it look like?”

“I hope it’s not using my friend again and then walking away from her like a prick.”

“In a bitchy mood tonight, are we? Missing your daily fix of professor?”

“Ap’lek.” Kiana hissed from behind you.

“Not at all.”

“That’s good, given he isn’t missing you either. Victoria is making sure of that.” Ap’lek knew exactly where to twist the knife and did so, gutting you completely.

“Asshole.” You muttered, heading straight for your room. You were in no mood to bite back at him, not tonight anyway. Given the way Kiana was hissing at him, it seemed she would do your job for you anyway.

What the hell he was doing here, you weren’t sure. Kiana had cut him off just before things with you and Ren had ended- truly cut him off too. Blocked his cell, wouldn’t let him into the apartment. Or so she told you.

Was it simply a lie to make you feel better when you were low? Or for some reason had she decided to forgive him?

A part of you felt it was ridiculous- he’d used her, worse than Ren had ever used you. Didn’t commit in the same way at all. Fine, neither had Ren. But he was yours and you were his. You belonged to each other. Ap’lek was still seeing other woman.

But that other part of you knew how it happened. You’d watched it happen to you- watched as you accepted very little from someone and fell in love with them anyway. Fell horribly, hopelessly in love.

Who ever said being young and in love was fun?

“So, they’ve filtered out for the most part?” Maggie took another sip of her tea as she surveyed you, pen still in her hand.

Maggie, your therapist- another reason your days had been brighter. You’d decided to start seeing her after your dreams of your parents and Ren only intensified, leaving you exhausted to the point Kiana begged you to get some help for them.

You nodded. “It seems so. It’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“Of course.” She gave you a tight lipped smile and made another note. “Look I’m glad we’ve been able to work through everything to do with your parents. You’ve made great progress and we’ll continue to do so but, what about the guy?”

“What guy?” You felt yourself still slightly, eyes swirling towards that loose thread on your cardigan. Your fingers itched to yank it out.

Maggie said your name, bringing your attention back to her. “In your first week, you told me it wasn’t just dreams of your parents- there was a guy. You’d just broken up with him, you were very upset..” She trailed off.

“I don’t feel like talking about him.”

“I know, but it’s not going to get any better if you don’t.”

You huffed. “I just don’t see the need Maggie. I’m aware he treated me badly, I’m aware I shouldn’t have stuck around. I know what I did wrong.”

“But look at the way you talk about this- how _you_ did something wrong for sticking around. Ok, yes, it sucks you didn’t ask for what you needed from him. But have you ever just let yourself be angry at him? Without also blaming yourself?”

You paused. “No. Well, yes but..”

“But you always go back to ‘why didn’t I leave’ instead of just allowing yourself five minutes of ‘why did he treat me like that?’” She raised an eyebrow at you. You just nodded, fingers wrapping around the thread and snapping it away from your sweater.

“I didn’t want to leave. Not really.”

“Nobody ever does, not until it’s gone too far. Or the love is gone.”

“But I was happy-“

She sat back in her chair. “Were you really? If you say you were, fine. You can love someone and still have not been completely satisfied, or happy. Stop looking at it through rose tinted glasses and just be honest with yourself.”

You sighed. Fine- you had felt happy. For the most part, you had felt appreciated and taken care of. But it didn’t stop the niggle in your mind constantly wondering why nothing was official between the two of you despite what you felt for him. Despite always being there for him and vice versa. You had wondered and truthfully, you had been too scared to ask for fear of scaring him away.

It seems you needn’t have worried- he was gone now anyway.

“Well it’s done.” You cleared your throat. “So how I felt back then doesn’t matter.”

Maggie levelled her stare to yours. “I think it does- but more importantly, just take steps to make sure you never feel like that again because no man, no _person_ , is worth that kind of pain. Understand?”

You nodded.

“Good. Same time next week?”

The East Bar was a nice place. You certainly appreciated the uniqueness of the decor, which kind of looked like a mixture of something out of Cirque du Soleil and the Pinterest board of some girl obsessed with that fluffy, white decor and crushed velvet sofas.

Given the owner, you were hardly surprised with the taste. You could bet a lot of money she probably did have a Pinterest board like that.

Speaking of, Hannah appeared to your left with a broad, magenta pink smile. “Hi!”

“Hey Hannah.” You watched as she topped up your wine glass, winking at you as she did so. “Busy night?”

“Always. It’s just how it is ever since we started doing our specials nights.” She tugged her shirt down slightly, adjusting it. “Joe is gonna have to jump on this kind of thing.”

Hannah’s bar was a good few miles from Alfie’s, basically on the other side of the city- but any bar is a competition to the other you supposed. But where Joe’s was definitely not a classy bar, East Bar was.

“Joe will serve basic snacks, beer and spirits until the grave. I think he’s convinced he’ll poison someone if he tries anything else.”

She giggled. “You enjoying it there?”

“It’s an okay pay, I mean the internship pays much better but it’s getting me through rent and other bills. I love Joe, so I can’t complain.”

“What a shame we hadn’t met earlier. I would’ve definitely given you a job here.” She smiled at you as her eyes drifted to behind you, that smile growing even wider. Likely at the reason the two of you had even met in the first place.

“Evening.” A hand clamped down on your shoulder with a friendly squeeze before the man beside you shuffled into the stool, leaning over the bar to kiss his girlfriend.

“Ushar.” You took a long sip of your drink. “Are you still in your work clothes? Ew.”

“Oh I don’t mind.” Hannah grabbed a beer from the fridge beneath the bar, opening it for him. “I love his work uniform.”

“I bet you do.” Given it was a tight, black workout t-shirt and loose sweats, you knew exactly why she wasn’t complaining.

Hannah waved to someone over in the other corner. “I’ll be right back.”

Totting away, you watched as she carefully adjusted her skirt before going. Ushar had met her on a night out with the boys, they’d hit it off and been seeing each other since- they’d been together over a month now and he seemed happier than before. Much happier. Hannah was so nice, you couldn’t fault her either- you just couldn’t believe how different she was to Rey. He certainly didn’t seem to have a particular type.

“How was work?” You asked.

“Oh, can’t complain. More clients than ever, which is great but some of them have really just been pushing it this week.” He glanced over at you. “Internship?”

“Still smooth sailing. My boss said I made an ‘impressive’ comment at the weekly meeting today, which may be my highlight of this summer so far.”

Ushar smiled. “They might offer you a job.”

“Maybe, but I’d really like to travel after this post-grad and even if I can’t, I’d much rather get out of here. Maybe try over in Portland again.”

He nodded understandingly. “You uh.. know who your professors are for the coming term?”

“No.” You swallowed nervously. “But I don’t think…he teaches post graduate classes.”

“He doesn’t even know you’re staying.”

“Let’s keep it that way.”

“You don’t have to be worried about me telling him.” Ushar took another long sip of his drink, eyes focused on where Hannah was standing across the bar, talking to a table of girls.

Something had happened between Ushar and Ren, but what you weren’t sure. He’d never really disclosed it, just mentioning that they weren’t speaking- but that had been nearly two months ago, after he’d taken you home from the bar that night. For them to still be fighting now, it had to be more serious than he was letting you on.

Flagging down another bartender, you sighed. “You still aren’t talking?”

“No.”

“Is it my fault?”

He frowned. “What?”

“It’s not because we’re hanging out, is it? Because I’d hate-“

“It’s got nothing to do with you, not really. I promise.” He shook his head.

Well, that was slightly reliving. After that night in the bar, Ushar seemed to have really meant it when he said he felt bad- he’d made plans to meet you for a drink not long after and the two of you had met weekly after that, sometimes bi-weekly if you felt like it. He was a good friend and you were glad to have him around- just not if it was getting him into trouble elsewhere.

“Does he know we hang out?”

“I’m sure he does, but I don’t particularity care what he thinks. He gave up that right scholar.” He winced as soon as he said it. “Sorry. Habit.”

“It’s okay.” You snorted. “You want to take a guess who I found in my living room the other night?”

“Your father, on the run from your mother?” He held his hands up as you slapped his arm, laughing. “Alright, come on. Tell me.”

“Ap’lek. Half naked, as was Kiana.”

“She went back to him?” He sighed. “Silly girl.”

“You think he’s just going to do the same thing again?”

“He’s like the more closed off version of Ren, if such a person can exist.” His hazel eyes met yours. “I think he’ll just keep hurting her until she learns to walk away.”

“Your entire group has kind of ruined our lives y’know.”

He smiled, reaching over to rub your hair. “Oh come on, you love us really.”

Laughter died between the two of you slightly as his words sunk in and you returned your stare towards the drink in front of you.

Would there ever be a day where your heart didn’t scream out for him? Or beg you to go to his front door and just ask for another chance, another minute to be with him?

You plastered some form of a smile on your face and held your glass towards his. “Course I do.”

He clinked it gracefully. “It’ll get easier to make jokes about it. I promise.”

“I’m counting on it.”

Watching the soap drift down the drain, you grabbed a paper towel from behind you and dried your hands. Checking your appearance once more, you quickly wiped some mascara out from under your eyes and headed back out into the bar.

Another quiet night, but you weren’t too sad about it. Joe had taken the night off, leaving you with Chris who seemed determined not to get any work done at all as he talked to some girls at the end of the bar. They had definitely only come here to see him.

You smiled at them all as they watched you leave the bathrooms and collected glasses from the washer, slowly putting them away. Only a few more hours left on the shift, thankfully, but it was dragging like hell.

But you’d be staying- rent was due soon and you needed every last penny you could get on shift. It seemed Chris was in the same boat as he was lingering about too and hadn’t asked if he could go home either.

Kiana was here, working quietly in the corner of the room- why, you weren’t sure. She said she needed to get out of the apartment for a while and hated being in the library. Too quiet apparently. She was doing an online summer class, hence the studying and just had a few exams left to take for it.

“Is she single?” Chris appeared at yourself, following your stare over to your roommate.

“Sort of.” You shrugged, turning away from her and leaning against the bar behind you. Chris towered above you, arms folded as he kept a steady eye on her. The girls at the end of the bar seemed disappointed he’d left, pouting in your direction. “Why?”

“Just curious.” His eyes dipped to yours. “Are you?”

You snorted. “Chris, I’m here every night that I’m not at that damn internship. Do you really think I have a boyfriend? Or time for one?”

“Oh come on, I think if you had one you’d make time for him.” He smiled at you. “Speaking of, you wanna get a drink after work tonight? We should be shut by 11.”

“Uh, I mean-“

“We can discuss why you won’t let anybody take you out, since I know a hundred guys have tried to hit on you since you started here.” He paused, eyes roaming across your body. “Including me.”

You froze, no words coming to mind as he stood in front of you, his smile faltering with every moment you just continued to stare at him instead of forming a coherent sentence.

“Ouch.” Chris grinned. “It’s cool.”

“No, listen-“ You reached for his arm, grasping it. “I.. there was a guy. I really cared about him and it’s only been a couple months since we ended. I just..I need a little more time. I’m not ready- but it’s not you, I swear.”

Chris nodded, a little defeated and headed back towards the girls in the corner of the bar who lit up immediately as he did so. At least he’d go home with someone tonight.

There was no denying that the way he was staring at you heated your blood almost immediately, your mind flooding with imaginary scenarios of him pinning you down in the office in the back as soon as you closed shop up.

But right after that came the horrible flood of guilt. That sense of wrongness, as if you were doing something horrible simply by even imagining kissing someone else.

Sighing, you grabbed a cloth and began to clean some of the bar down. Could tonight get any weirder?

You glanced upwards as the doors at the front swung open and closed and froze, hand gripping the cloth as the girl wandered inside, eyes scanning the room before they landed on you.

She walked overly slowly, as if wondering if you may attack- you were wondering the same thing. Kiana had noticed her too by this point, pulling one of her earphones out as she watched her walk over, eyes darting nervously between the two of you.

She sat down in front of you, letting out a heavy sigh as her eyes met yours.

“Can we talk?” Rey asked.

Apparently it could. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 chapters left!! i hope y'all are excited. i still haven't figured out what to do next, but i promise it'll be something good. 
> 
> love to you all, as always. I appreciate your nice comments endlessly.


	25. COMING HOME

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me?
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TIKTOK: @junekwritess

“What?"

“Can we talk?” She repeated and nervously glanced to where Kiana was sitting, glaring at the two of you. You nodded in her direction, motioning for her to stand down.

Whatever angry demeanour she’d had about her all these months had just seemingly faded away. She was just..Rey as she sat in front of you. The friend you’d grown up with. The one you’d cherished, had hid a piece of deep in your heart in the hopes one day she’d return.

You hadn’t seen her once since the spring, since the last fight the two of you had. Not even when you moved out because when you arrived to start packing, she’d already left without leaving a single note behind- as had Finn. Where, you weren’t entirely sure- you knew they’d thought about getting out the city after college and it seemed like they’d finally done it.

You weren’t ashamed to admit you’d cried for a moment about it, lingering in the doorway as you contemplated exactly how you’d managed to lose three of the most important people in your life in the space of just a few months. Had it been your fault? All of it? You weren’t sure. But it was then that you decided to fix yourself. To put in the work to becoming a better person.

“Talk about what, exactly?”

“You, me, us.” She paused. “Kylo Ren.”

“Ren?” God saying his name felt painful. Like sandpaper scraping right across your tongue.

“I just-“ She sighed. “Let me start by saying how sorry I am. More sorry than you know, alright? I know how I treated you wasn’t right-“

“Why?”

“Hm?”

“Why did you treat me like that? As if I was some criminal?”

She swallowed, hard. “I think a part of me has always felt overly protective of you, especially because of your parents and how they treated you. I hated it, I hated how we let them treat you like that..”

“They’re out of my life now.”

“So I heard.” She gave you a half smile. “I’m glad to hear it, I’m glad you felt it was time to do that. But I just..I always felt so protective over you and when you started dating him, he just felt like bad news.”

You frowned. “That doesn’t give you the right-“

“Just let me finish.“ She held up her hand. “I know how I acted was wrong. I just can’t stand being wrong and I think that overprotectiveness and jealously…you had a new friend you were with and you were with him the rest of the time- I missed you and it got twisted into something completely horrid because I didn’t know how to deal with it. I was angry because it didn’t seem like he was going to commit to you, I was angry I never got to see you..”

“So all that was because I wasn’t around as much?” You shook your head.

“I’m sorry it got so out of hand. I guess after the first fight, my own stubbornness just caused the rest. But it was wrong- and it was wrong for Finn to take my side too. He knows that.” She sighed. “Ushar didn’t help either. Every opinion I had, he just fobbed it off, he never took my side over Ren’s or yours. We just weren’t right for each other, but all it did was ruin my friendship with you further. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

You pondered it all for a moment. An apology was so out of the blue but.. you weren’t complaining. You’d missed your friend, more than you cared to admit. You’d missed both of them.

“I know. I’m sorry too.” You sighed. “I really was sorry about Ushar.”

“Ah, don’t be. It wasn’t supposed to be and besides, have you seen his new girlfriend? We couldn’t be more different.” She chuckled and you did too. Good, that she knew he’d moved on and seemed to be taking it well. It saved you and awkward conversation. “I’m sorry about Kylo. I’m sorry things ended.”

“Well, you were right about him I guess.” You shrugged but she reached out, grasping your wrist.

“No, no-“ She kept a hold of your wrist, shaking it gently. “I was wrong. You know why I came? After all this time? I wasn’t going to. I was convinced you’d just turn your back on me immediately and hate me, especially since i’d heard you’d left him.” You shook your head. “He turned up at my apartment. In Milwaukee.”

You froze. “He what?”

She fiddled for something in her bag and when she eventually found it, sliding it out of her purse and onto her hand, you almost threw up onto the bar in front of you.

“He turned up to my apartment and basically begged me to go and make up with you- not exactly like that, in his own way- you know he isn’t exactly the begging type. He said he was out of ideas- I don’t know, he wasn’t making a lot of sense. I asked if he was okay and he just laughed- I think he’s a real mess.” She held out the chain in her hand towards you. “He didn’t know what else to do was all he kept saying.”

Your fingers trembled as you took the golden chain from her, eyes stinging as you looked at those tiny engraved letters

_S_

_R_

Your hand closed around it. “I don’t know what to do with this.”

“I don’t think you have to do anything you don’t want to- but he misses you. I can see it and.. I’m here to tell you I’m sorry. I was wrong about him.” She grasped your hand, looking you directly in the eye. “I was wrong.”

Her arms wrapped around you, pulling you into a hug over the bar and you hugged her in return, tears squeezing their way out of your eyes and gently dripping onto her shoulder as you squeezed the bracelet in your hand hard enough to imprint into it.

You sniffed. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.”

How hard was it to get vomit out of a carpet? Particularly difficult? Or just a quick sponge and bucket kind of job? Even if you got the stain out, did the smell linger for weeks on end?

You weren’t sure- but one thing you did know for sure was your stomach was turning so quickly there was about a ninety percent chance it was going to empty onto the carpet all around you as you waited in the hallway and you’d soon find out how it was cleaned.

What the hell were you doing here? How many promises had you made never to step foot here again, not after everything that had happened.

But here you were, like a goddamn fool.

Maybe it was foolish, you thought, as you knocked on the door- but you had to know. You had to be sure about your decision before you carried on with your life as if nothing was wrong.

It took a few seconds, then the door was swinging open and every inch of breath was immediately stolen from your throat as you looked up at the man above you.

“Sch-“ Ren paused, mouth open and then corrected himself, saying your actual name. He took a moment, trying to formulate a question. “What are you doing here?”

“I got the bracelet back.” You held it out in your hands towards him. His eyes shifted nervously between you and it, wondering if you were giving it back to him. He wouldn’t take it- you’d seen his face after you threw it on the floor the first time. It would probably take a trip to the trash this time.

You’d debated to yourself endlessly the stupidity of running here in that hour you had left at work- running to him.

But you had questions and he needed to answer them, once and for all. No matter what would happen between the two of you next.

Kiana had seemed reluctant but hugged you before you left, saying she’d be at home if you needed anything. She even offered Rey a ride to her hotel- a truce was really being called between you all it seemed.

Your hand closed around it and dropped to your side. His chest let out a loud exhale- sheer relief perhaps that you’d kept it.

“You want to come in?” He gestured and you nodded, stepping inside.

Your eyes darted to the shoe rack, to the coats looking for any sign of the girl Ap’lek had mentioned to you the week before- when you’d been together you had left multiple sweaters and things here, all piling up in the hall outside. But there was none there that you could see, something that delighted you to a shameful end.

That didn’t mean she wasn’t with him. It had taken him months to let you leave stuff around without it bothering him too much and she could just be neat, unlike you.

The two of you stood awkwardly in his sitting room. You winced at the grey print of your body still on his wall, just visible from underneath the bookcase which he’d obviously used to try and cover it. From shame or just to avoid questions from new girls?

“So, you got it.”

“I got it.” You rolled on the ball of your heels. “You went all the way to Milwaukee?”

“I-“ He sighed. “I figured it was time for that fight to end. Before the two of you go and.. live whatever lives you plan to.”

“So you did this so I’d make up with my friend?”

“I-“ Another sigh. “I guess.” He shut his mouth. Stopped himself from saying whatever it was he wanted to say- stopped himself from being vulnerable.

Some part of you still understood why. Some smaller, younger part- but you had to grow, you had to learn from your mistakes and if you stayed with this man who put your feelings second to his own, who couldn’t tell you how he felt despite knowing you felt the same you would only end up unhappy again.

“Well, thank you. I guess that’s all I came to say then, if that’s the only reason you did it.” You met his eyes once more- prayed to yourself that you’d never forget them or their hue and braced yourself to walk out.

But you didn’t get very far before Ren spoke again. “When do you go?”

You folded your arms. “To Portland?” He nodded. “Maybe next spring, I want to visit at some point.”

Eyebrows furrowing, he took a small step towards you. “I don’t- I-“  
“Don’t understand?” Was it wrong to enjoy his discomfort so much? Wrong to just allow yourself to swim in it for a moment? Probably. “Well maybe if you had listened to me that night instead of flying off the handle, you’d know I’m not going to Portland. I didn’t accept the job- I never really thought I would.”

“Why?”

“I don’t have the experience.”

“So it’s not-“

“It has nothing to do with you. With pausing my life for you.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “I know you like to think you’re all mysterious and some kind of enigma.. and sometimes you are. But I know you. I knew exactly what you were thinking that night and if you’d taken just a minute, I would’ve told you everything.”

“Scholar I-“ He seemed dumbfounded. “I panicked.”

“I know.”

You’d had plenty time to think about it. You knew exactly why he did what he did and why he panicked- but it didn’t make it okay and it certainly didn’t mean you forgave him.

Silence lingered in the air between the two of you. Your foot dug into the carpet below, twisting gently as you felt your stomach curl painfully. You just wanted it to be normal again- to walk in here and feel like home again.

Only someone you loved so much could do this to you, to make you feel so alone and alien in a place you had once been so happy. Only someone you loved so deeply could do such a good job of tearing your heart apart, inside out.

You sighed. “I can’t say anymore. I can’t force you to talk about your feelings, I can’t force you to feel anything- but I can’t go back to what we had before.” Ren said nothing as you continued, his hands balled into fists. “Thank you, for talking to Rey. I’ll.. maybe see you on campus.”

Time to go- time to let go, for once and all. Turning on your heel, you started to walk towards the door, heart aching with every single step. But it was the right decision- wasn’t it? Putting yourself first sucked, but you had to do it.

Huge hands wrapped around your arm, pulling you back into the sitting room mid step. You whirled, eyes wide as Ren breathed heavily above you.

“I panicked.” He repeated. “It felt like every single one of those walls were closing in on me and the only way I felt I was going to get out alive was to end it first- to hurt you before you could break me. It had been slowly creeping on me and just hit all at once. It crept on me that you were leaving. That you’d met my mother, that she liked you, that my father felt comfortable coming to you. My friends defending you.”

“We were together for months. You should’ve talked-“

He cut you off. “Then I thought, you have this whole life ahead of you. Who am I to hold you back? Who the fuck am I to make you promise not to leave me?” He sighed. “It wasn’t right. It wasn’t right to have that pressure on you and more so, to have you pause your life for me.”

“I was never going to do that.” You shook your head. “Did you really think I’d be so naive to stay here because of you? I stayed because of me, what I need to do.”

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“Clearly.” You took a deep breath. “You hurt me.”

He levelled his stare to yours. “I know. I never wanted to.”

It still wasn’t enough. “Why did you go to Rey?”

His hand was still grasping your arm tightly, lethal focus pouring onto your body as his mouth twitched. His own damn mind was going to damn you both, was going to end this thing between you again because he couldn’t-

“I didn’t know how else to show you, because I messed up so badly. I hurt you so much, how would words be enough? It wasn’t enough to just show up on your door and ask for another chance. It wasn’t enough to tell you what you already know- what I think you’ve probably known for months, even when I didn’t.”

“Which is?”

“Scholar-“

“I’m not going to wait around anymore Ren.” You felt tears spring to your eyes as his hold loosened slightly. “I want you. I want this but I want you to be able to tell me how you-“

He bent down, lips brushing gently against yours. You felt yourself freeze into place, every muscle going completely rigid as he leaned back slightly, waiting for your reaction.

“Being.. completely open is something I struggle with. But I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you to leave me, not again.” He took a shuddering breath and you waited, hands still braced on his chest. “I love you, scholar. I love you and I don’t want to lose you-“

You didn’t wait to hear the rest of it, your arms winding around his neck as you practically threw yourself upwards at him, lips pressed to his.

He grunted in surprise but caught you, returning the pressure immediately. His hands roamed over every inch of you, as if trying to map your body so he’d never forget it again, your own hands winding into his hair.

You never wanted him to let go of you again.

Ren was still looking at you an hour later as you lay beside him in the bed, his arm underneath your head, hands interlocked. It was blissfully peaceful, but unfortunately for your professor, he still had some questions to answer.

“So, Ushar-“ You began and he rolled onto his side, one of his hands coming to rest on your stomach, tracing lines there with his finger. You had forgotten how merciless distracting he could be when you were trying to wriggle information out of him. “Ren.”

“What?”

“Come on. What happened between the two of you?”

He sighed. “We had a fight. We all did, actually.”

“All of you?” You winced. You hadn’t realised it had been so bad- Ushar had clearly played it down.

“Vicrul and I fell out first, over you. Vicrul said he knew this would happen, he knew you’d be left and-“ He rolled his eyes. “It doesn’t even matter, but I told him it was none of his business and he lost his shit with me. Ushar chimed in and I told them both to get lost and not to bother coming back- so they didn’t. Vicrul said he was sick of watching me self destruct.”

His fingers had paused on your stomach and you felt sick watching that pained look return to his eyes- you’d hoped you’d banished it for at least a few hours earlier.

“You’ll fix it.” You reached down, linking your hand into his. “Call them- fix it before it’s too late. They weren’t exactly wrong, Ren.”

He rolled his eyes again, but nodded in agreement.

Frowning, you inched a little closer to him. “What about the rest of them?”

“Believe it or not, they just said they wanted a break from all the fighting and bullshit which I understood. Not Trudgen though- he actually fell out with Ap’lek over Kiana.”

“Really?” You almost laughed- you didn’t realise he even really knew who she was except for the few times she’d joined the group.

“He said he was just as bad as I was, if not worse and he liked Kiana. She deserved better, blah blah blah. I also think Ap’lek went home with a girl Trudgen was seeing..it just all blew up and given the rest of us are fighting, we couldn't step in and fix it.”

“Well, like I said, just call them. They're your friends.” You smiled at him and he watched you for a few seconds before dipping down, meeting your mouth with his own, hands splaying across your stomach and yanking you closer.

You could feel him get hard again beneath you and you quivered in anticipation, legs trembling with excitement. His lips moved downwards, inching down your jaw, lower and lower until you were tensing. 

“What about-“ You couldn’t help but ask, before that mouth of his got to your head entirely. “What about the girl-“

“What girl?”

“Victoria.”  
He frowned, leaning on his arm as he looked down at you. “What about Victoria?”

“Ap’lek said you were together-“

“He’s an asshole. Look, Victoria is Kuruk’s cousin. She’s..interested, yes. I’m not.”

“But she’s beautiful and I just, if anything had happened I couldn’t be angry and I just want you to be honest-“

“Scholar.” His fingers gripped your chin, forcing you to look at him. “There’s only one you. Nobody else- I love you.” His voice still shook a little, that brutal wall of his still crumbling in small pieces. “Now can you please shut up and let me kiss you?”

You weren’t even embarrassed of the tears that sprang to your eyes as he kissed you again, more gentle this time. Healing.

It wasn’t painful anymore, to love him, to kiss him- it wasn’t a reminder of something you were going to lose or something you were desperately trying to hold onto, unsure when you’d next get it again.

No longer a drug, but a cure.

He loved you. You loved him.

It was like coming home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...........lol
> 
> last chapter is next! but it'll be all fluff (and maybe a smut scene thrown in for good measure, it has been a while...) I'm still unsure what to write next but it will likely be kylo based lol 
> 
> As always, thank you for the kind votes and comments.
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TIKTOK: @junekwritess
> 
> See you next time! x


	26. FOREVER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wrapping it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE read my note at the bottom especially about my NEW FIC.

“I have to leave, you know.”

“I’m aware.”

“The sooner you let me go, the sooner I’ll be back.”

Ren let out a chuckle and you felt his fingers dig even deeper into your skin, kneading out all the knots there. You let out a small groan and felt him tense on top of you.

“Kylo..” You muttered. You knew exactly where this would go if he didn’t let you go and you really were late- or you would be if you didn’t start getting ready in the next fifteen minutes.

“I’ve barely seen you this week and I have to deal with our friends all evening.” He reminded you and you could feel him bending down, his lips gently pressing against your shoulder as he kissed the skin there. You buried your face deeper into the pillow, trying not to look at him- it would be game over if you did. He was too gorgeous in the mornings and the amount of classes he had made you late to wasn’t even funny.

“Well some of us have to work multiple jobs- hey!”

His teeth sank into your shoulder as you teased him, hand slapping whatever body part of his you could reach. He grabbed the hand and pinned it against your back.

“Don’t be rude scholar. You won’t like what happens next.” His smile was radiating, even when you couldn’t see him. “Or you might, actually.”

He shuffled back and off you, leaving a small pit of disappointment in your stomach- but his hands reappeared down by your thighs, pushing them apart, hoisting your waist upwards so he’d have better access.

The moan in your throat barely held itself in for ten seconds before it escaped at the first touch of his tongue to your already naked cunt. He snickered, hands running up and down your shaking legs, nails lightly scratching.

“Desperate.” He mumbled and licked your slit its entire length before dipping his tongue in your folds, lips circling around your clit and sucking.

You moaned, face pushed against the pillow as you shoved your ass further into his face. “Screw you.”

“You really do never learn.” He tutted and in an instant, his fingers slipped inside of you and twisted, his other hand pilling your ass up higher as he continued to stroke your cunt with his mouth.

You never had any worries that it wouldn’t work out-not in the entire year that had passed since you got back together. There wasn’t a single day you didn’t endlessly think of him, nor a day where he didn’t look at you with those eyes and set your cheeks blazing.

He was yours, you were his. No ifs or buts or doubts, not anymore. Just endless paradise, where you were the happiest you’d ever been.

It wasn’t all rainbows- Ren still had days he’d wake up and have that haunted look in his eyes. He still hadn’t completely mended that relationship with his parents and perhaps he never would. But he was doing better- you both were.

You whined, riding his fingers as he picked up the pace- that pit of pleasure was already building in your stomach, gaining traction with every passing second and when he adjusted his fingers slightly to rub right by your g-spot, you shuddered.

Ren moved, pulling away- but only for a few seconds before he slipped inside of you and let out a groan of his own.  
“God, you’re so fucking wet.” He muttered as he began to move, hands clutching your ass. _Fuck_ , he felt so fucking good. He always did. “Shit baby.”

Ass slamming against his pelvis, you rode him harder, faster, his fingers weaving their way into your scalp and pulling you back by the hair.

You’d wondered once, if this would ever end- if this pleasure would just simply kill you one day from being so vast and endless. You still did.

“Fu-u-uck.” You felt Ren’s hands move from your hair to your shoulders and he pushed you down against the bed, as flat as he could get you. It felt like your body was about to break in half as he slammed into you, folded beneath him. Your hands travelled down to your cunt and began to rub. “Ky-lo.”

Ren noticed and moved at a punishable pace, grunting as he did. You could tell he was close too from the way he was gripping your skin, trying to gain some control. Your hands moved faster,circling and circling and quicker than you expected, release barrelled through you, rendering you almost useless as you lay beneath him riding out the orgasm.

Ren swore your name, slamming deep inside of you again as he came and his head leant against your shoulder, teeth digging in again as he found his release.

You truly would never be sick of him. Of this.

You’d be happy to do it forever.

Your foot tapped anxiously against the chair, eyes glued to the shop door as you sat on the plush, green couch. The coffee in front of you had barely been touched as your stomach turned with nerves.

Why you were nervous, you weren’t sure. You’d had this exact meeting a few times now but it still felt weird. Your pocket buzzed and you looked down, pulling your phone out and smiled.

Ren. _How long is this going to take?_

Idiot. He knew exactly how long it would take. _An hour, maybe two. We have to be at the party for six._

_Plenty of time for what I intend to do. Again._

The bell on the door rang again and you glanced back up, still grinning and it faltered slightly as you finally spotted him. Waving, he finally spotted you and headed over towards the small table you’d nabbed in the corner.

“Hi kid.” Your father kissed your cheek as you stood to greet him, hands clasping your shoulders.

“Hey dad.” You settled back into the chair, watching him. He seemed better this time- every few months you’d meet for coffee, he seemed more put together every time.

You’d only recently gotten back into contact with him, just the past four months. He had turned up on your doorstep and said he’d left your mother.

After talking for a few hours, you realised not only had he left your mother but he had obviously done it a while ago- he was in a different city with his own apartment and a woman you suspected to be his girlfriend but you weren’t entirely sure.

He explained he wanted to sort himself out before he came to you- he wanted to make sure he was standing on his own two feet. You respected that and whilst it still felt a little awkward, you were building a relationship with him again- something that made you very happy.

No word from your mother. Wether she cared he’d left or not, you weren’t sure. Maybe one day you’d be able to forgive her and check in- but for now, it was time to focus on yourself and the things closest to you.

“I can’t stay long today.” Your father smiled. “But I wanted to drop something off before I go.”

“Going somewhere nice?”

“Maine, for the weekend- Julia has some property up there and said we should maybe go visit. It’s beautiful at this time of year, all the beaches..” He trailed off, meeting your eyes as he did. “About Julia-“

“Dad, as long as you’re happy.”

“I am. I’d like very much to make her my girlfriend but, now I know you’re a fully grown adult but I don’t want to spring anything on you or-“  
You chuckled, clasping his hand over the table. “I’m happy for you, as long as you are happy. I’m sure she’s lovely.”

Your father smiled tightly, nodding in agreement. So difficult, to be married to someone for so long and have to walk away from that kind of comfort, that stability. To start all over again. But you were proud of him for doing so- proud that he could see he wasn’t being treated well by your mother and he deserved better. That you both did.

“Anyway-“ He dug into his pockets. “This is a little graduation present.” He handed you an envelope.

Graduation, a very surreal moment. You’d of course experienced it the year before, but it had just been Kiana in attendance- you’d still not made up with Ren by that point, nor Rey or Finn. A bittersweet kind of day.

This year had been much different- Ren was there, along with all of the other boys, Kiana, Finn, your father…you’d gone bright red when the latter had cheered when you got on the stage but you were grateful for them all and Rey, who was working, sent a huge bouquet of flowers.

It hadn’t been an easy year to graduation either- the course was hard and the company you interned for offered you a more permanent job, which you took on alongside Alfie’s.

You opened the envelope, frowning as you read the cover.

“I don’t- is this-?” Your mouth hung open.

Your father seemed nervous, hands shaking slightly. “Consider it another apology and a congratulations in one. I’m very proud of you, honey.”

“I-“

It was a cheque. For a lot of money.

_A lot._

“Dad, I can’t take this-“

“Oh you can. The divorce finalised and we sold off the house.. I have a lot of money to spare and I just don’t need it sweetheart. It’s for the trip.”

The whole reason you kept your job at Alfie’s as well as working at the other company. Shortly after you and Ren has gotten back together you made a pact that come the end of your postgraduate, you would go and see everything the two of you wanted to, as much as you could afford to. You’d find somewhere you liked, get jobs you liked and work it all out- no set plan, no set time limit. Just whatever you wanted, as long as it made you both happy.

“Are you sure? I just think-“

He grabbed your hand and pulled your attention to him, stopping your bumbling. “I’m sure. Take it- take an extra detour, book a ridiculously snotty hotel. Something. Anything. Please take it- I can’t..I can’t make back any time we lost together kid. I can’t apologise enough for not doing something sooner, for seeing how you felt, for running from our sins… but this is what I can do. I can give you something that’s going to make you happy, that’s going to make you both happy.”

Your father liked Ren, very much so. They’d only met twice since he’d come back into your life, but each time he sung his praises to the high heaven the second Ren. Something you teased him about mercilessly until he had to force you to stop. You weren’t sure why exactly- he wasn’t the most charming or pleasant guest and was certainly just flat out awkward at times. But maybe he just saw how happy you were- maybe he remembered when he showed up at the hospital. Whatever it was, he liked him. A lot.

“How do I say thank you?”

He grinned. “Send me a postcard.”

“You’re late.”

You couldn’t help the chuckle that came out of you as you arrived outside the bar, Ushar staring a the two of you completely unimpressed.

“Sorry.” You leaned up and kissed his cheek, handing the present in your hand to him. He was in charge of the gift pile apparently. “We were just super busy-“

“Oh save it, I see the smile on your face.” He nudged you gently and turned his attention to Ren, who was right behind you, holding a hand out.

They’d made up, thankfully. You didn’t know the ins and outs of how the entire group made up- Ren had been his usual delightful self in telling you zero details especially since he was the worst gossip in the entire world and gave you a ‘it’s sorted.’

But it was good enough for you. You were just happy to see him more settled once they made up and the group was back to their usual selfs, barging in on your life far more than needed. But you had missed them, all of them.

“Oh, there they are. Good to know you almost missed your best friends surprise birthday for what? A quickie? Did you bring a half decent present at least?”

Well, not all of them.

“Hi Ap’lek.” You took the bottle of wine, another gift, from Ren’s hands and shoved it into his chest. Hard. “Always a pleasure.”

Ren snickered behind you as you shoved past his friend and into the bar, where the lights were dimmed in waiting for the guest of honour. It was Kiana’s birthday and you’d planned this surprise party for over a month now, with Hannah offering a hand too.

She’d become a really good friend and you were going to miss her, and Kiana, when you left for your trip which was within the next few weeks.

Speaking of, she appeared from the crowd as a vision of yellow from her bright blonde hair to the flowing dress fitted around her body as she waved to you. You met her in the middle, arms wrapping around each other as you did.

“She’s going to be here so soon! Good you made it in time!” She smiled as you pulled away from each other and fixed a few of your hairs. “I can’t believe this is probably going to be one of the last times I see you.”

“We’ll definitely be having a leaving party.” Your eyes wandered over to Ren who was now walking in with the boys, his own eyes searching the crowd for you. You smiled at him as he met your stare. “Well, I’ll certainly be forcing him to have one.”

“Where do you start?”

“We’re heading right, so I think we’re in Iceland for a week or so. Then Europe, all over Europe, for god knows how long. However long we feel.” You grabbed a glass of drink off the waiter beside you and another for Hannah. “What are you guys planning for the next while?”

“I’ve got another expansion on the bar and I’m thinking to purchase another one. Not franchise exactly just..spread out a little.” Hannah smiled. “Then we’re taking a long vacation. Maybe come and meet you guys wherever you are.”

“That sounds good.” You glanced over to where Ushar was standing with Vicrul, talking to his date beside him. A blonde, of course. “So, you’re happy?”

Some part of you felt protective over Ushar, compared to the other boys. Probably because the two of you had always been the closest and you felt bad that things with Rey had ended in part to do with you.

Hannah took a long sip of her drink. “I’m so happy, it’s actually getting worrying now.”

You snorted. “You get used to it. There’s a few months where you wonder what’s going to go wrong but nothing does or if it does, you work it out. You realise that you can work anything out, if you just work together. Then you’re just happy- no more fear.”

“It’s good to see you so happy. I mean, you have been for a while but when we first met it was almost, dimmed? But you almost glow now. It would make me sick if I wasn’t so happy myself.”

The two of you laughed and Ap’lek ran in the front door, waving his hands around to signal she was about to arrive.

The lights were switched off and Hannah clutched your arm to steady herself, the two of you giggling as the room plunged into darkness and whispers were shushed.

“Ap, I’m just- I mean- I’m all for the romantic dinner vibe but I’m getting old here. I don’t have many birthdays to get hammered on and have no repercussions-“

You burst out laughing as the lights switched on, everyone shouting happy birthday as Kiana stumbled through the door, Ap’lek beside her.

Her face broke into a huge grin and she turned, mouthing something to him before planting a huge kiss on him- his cheeks tinted a little red and you whistled at them.

It seemed to be going well, between the two of them. You were still a little cautious about Ap’lek but something about Kiana seemed to just soften him completely and she was happy. As long as she was happy, that was what mattered to you.

“Thank you! Thank you!” She waved around to the crowd before catching sight of you and practically running over, squishing the two of you into a hug. “I love you guys, holy shit!”

“Ahh well. We figured you deserved a little treat for putting up with us for the whole year.” Hannah handed her a glass. “Bottoms up bitch!”

You watched as she downed it and threw her arms around you both again. “I really do love you guys.”

“We know.”

Hannah trotted off to put on some different music, leaving the two of you alone. Kiana wrapped her arm around yours. “I kind of wish you hadn’t done this.”

“What?” Your eyes searched the room desperately for whatever could be wrong. “Why?”

“It’s only making me realise how much I’m going to miss you.” Her eyes began to well up. “I don’t want you to go. Who else is going to torture Ap with me? And watch shitty movies and drink until we throw up in the sink?”

You chuckled, wrapping an arm around her. “You’d be surprised how many people do those kind of things.”

She nudged you. “I’m serious.”

“I’ll miss you too. But we’ll call and write and you can take a vacation with Ap’lek, come and visit wherever we are. We’ll come back, eventually you know.” You winked at her. “Maybe.”

“Tease.”

She pinched your side and headed into the crowd, to welcome her throngs of guests who were waiting to greet her.

The night was fun, the most fun you’d had in a while- you’d worked so hard for going away and finishing college, you kind of forgot to set some time aside to actually just relax and be in the moment with your friends. But you had your time now and you would certainly make the most of it.

They all began to dance, Hannah winding herself around Ushar with a grin as he moved awkwardly, Kiana winding her arms around Ap’lek’s neck, Kuruk doing some godawful breakdance in the middle of them all as the rest of the boys cheered him on. Everyone filtered around them, the music blaring.

You watched them all, something hard settling in your chest- a small piece of it turning to concrete. More people you almost felt like you were losing.

“You okay?” Ren appeared, slipping an arm around your waist as you watched your friends dance.

“I want to travel, I wanna get out of here, I just..I’ll miss them.” You confessed, leaning into him. He nodded and held you a little tighter, pulling you close.

You glanced up at him, at every inch of that face you loved so much. It was silly, to feel like you were losing them. Silly when you were going to see everything the world had to offer and you were going to do it with him by your side.

“Are you happy?” The question slipped out before you had even really meant to say it. Ren frowned.

“Seriously?” You slapped his chest as he let out a snort and leaned down, kissing the top of your head. “Nobody makes me happier than you.”

“Not even Vicrul when he does that move there?” You pointed to his friend who was currently doing some kind of shimmy. His date, much to your delight, was actually laughing instead of looking cringed out- a miracle, really.

“He comes a close second I suppose.” He winked at you.   
“Hm, good enough.” You turned your attention back to the crowd. “I love you _professor_.”

He rolled his eyes- then grinned. Something he reserved for just you and so rarely did but every time he’d do that toothy smile, your heart span in a hundred, million circles all over again. Some part of you just couldn’t believe he was yours and he would be forever. The other part of you kept telling you to pinch yourself for this had to be bullshit.

But he was real. He was here- and for the first time, in a very long time, your heart finally felt at peace.

“And I you scholar.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, geeeeeezus that's it I guess. I finished lol.
> 
> It was short and sweet but I had such fun writing this and you've been so supportive, i can't thank all of u enough even just one comment honestly made my entire day!! 
> 
> A little S/O to these frequent commenters.   
> G - whoever you are, your comments were lovely.   
> rensbxtch   
> & plus1dagger 
> 
> thank u guys for the extra love you seemed to leave the most often !!
> 
> I don't have much left to say you guys except...
> 
> the first TWO chapters of Will of the Force are out now!!   
> You should be able to see it on my page. Go check it out, set in the star wars universe instead of a modern one with supreme leader kylo ren lol not professor.  
> Definitely NOT as smut centred i'd say, but there will be smut!!! it'll take a little longer than this fic but i promise it'll be there and just as rough and good as this book. It will be a lot more plot centred and angsty but again- PLENTY OF SMUT as the plot develops.   
> Please give it a go guys, i'm so so excited for it. Jedi's, ben solo, jedi reader, force bonds!!! Plus plenty of ways to use the force inappropriately....
> 
> Again, as always, so much love to you all! Thank you!


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